You asked for a double update? Here's a double-length chapter :)
Love,
K. xx
"I've been looking into having a baby," Jackie said quietly. "That's why I was going to the clinic. I started the process two years ago, back in Bristol. I had a stable job, and– Well, I've always wanted a child." She gave him a gingerly glance. As always, his face was utterly impassive. "I sort of put it on hold when I got invited to Fleckney," she continued. "But I decided that I'd give myself a year to settle in, and then I'd try. I'm over forty, the risk factors are already high. Although, I'm healthy and apparently still very much fertile. So, yeah..." Jackie pulled at the corners of the duvet, wrapping in it more tightly. "And then I realised that I didn't want to wait a year. And that even if I'm forced to move again, I still want to have a child."
He wasn't saying anything. Her previously drilled-in inability to withstand a silent treatment almost made her blabber on; but then she remembered whom she was dealing with.
"When you say 'having a baby,' you mean an artificial insemination, right?" he finally asked, frowning.
"Yes, of course." Jackie couldn't hold back a chuckle. "I wasn't going to hook up with some random bloke in a pub and hope for the best. I had an IVF treatment plan. I was divorced and– I definitely didn't expect to end up in a committed relationship! But of course then you and I got together. Although, it's not like we're–"
She bit her tongue. The furrow between his eyebrows deepened.
"It's not like we're– what?"
"Well, we aren't exactly a typical couple, are we?" she retorted in a defensive tone.
"I don't understand this," he deadpanned. He put down his bowl and shifted on the futon, offering her more of the duvet, and at the same time getting a better vantage point. "What is a 'typical couple?' And what does it have to do with you having a baby?"
"I suppose it really isn't related." She didn't sound convincing. "It's just some people meet, and move in together, and then get married, and then have a baby. Not that I want any of it! Getting married or buying a house or–" She jerked the duvet up, uncomfortably reminded that she was starkers. "But couples like that make this decision together, and we– I decided on it when I was single. And I still want to go through with it! And I suppose when people are going to bring up a child together, that's when it's a shared decision, innit?"
His gaze grew unfocused. Jackie picked up one of his stylish borosilicate glass mugs and took a sip of tea, mostly to keep her mouth occupied.
"I'm processing," he said. "This is new information."
"Right, yeah, of course," Jackie muttered. "I've been meaning to bring it up many times, but it's been one drama after another. And– And I honestly wasn't sure how to go about discussing it with you."
He nodded, his eyes still on the opposite wall. Despite the warm drink, Jackie felt a small shiver run through her. Her mood was plummeting.
She was searching for a different topic for a conversation, when he stated, "I never thought of having children."
Jackie's breathing hitched. He blinked purposefully a couple of times and met her eyes.
"I don't want to pass my ASD to a child," he added darkly. "Or my father's genes."
Jackie pressed her lips, swallowing her next line. No matter what she thought of his neurodiversity or about the fact that everyone had some skeletons in their genetic closet; arguing with him would be insensitive. After all, 'my body, my rules' applied to both sexes.
"Right," she mumbled. "And yes, of course, take your time. We don't have to talk about it immediately." She stopped herself from saying 'or ever.' An urge to put some distance between their bodies made her rise and take a small step back. "I'm going to hop in the shower, OK?"
He nodded again, without looking at her.
***
While she rubbed herself with a washcloth, Jackie was trying to understand what it was that was bothering her so much.
Had she been hoping that he'd offer to whisk up a baby with her right away? That he'd propose and offer her to form a picture perfect, nuclear, conjugal, cereal-packet family? Or that he wouldn't want her to 'carry someone else's child;' which was obviously an absurd notion in itself, but also had just gained an additional layer of meaning with his admission?
Jackie reminded herself that if that was how much internalised chauvinism governed her thoughts; she was clearly with the wrong man. She should've stayed with Gabe who'd been blathering about 'healthy sons being a woman's best gift to a man' for years, while gaslighting her into postponing having a baby at the pretence of giving her a chance to build her career.
Jackie leaned her back against the wall and sniffled.
A knock to the door made her jolt.
"Come in!" she called and quickly stuck her head under the running water, hoping to hide the tear streaks on her face.
She could see his silhouette through the fogged shower cubicle's glass.
"May I?"
"Yeah, sure."
Once he stepped in, she moved closer and pressed her face into his chest.
"Jackie, is everything alright?"
She exhaled a shuddered breath. "I'm– I don't know why I'm upset. Ignore me, I'm just being a crybaby," she mumbled apologetically.
He gently embraced her.
"I can't tell that you're upset. Thank you for telling me." She'd learnt by now that this flat, robotic politeness of his meant he was internally panicking. "What are you upset about?" he asked. "What can I do differently?"
"I'm not upset with you!" Jackie squeezed him around his middle. "I guess it's just an emotional matter, and– I swear, you don't have to do anything!"
They stood for a few moments, and then he rumbled something low and distressed under his breath.
"What?"
"Sodding Bassey properly got into my head," Alexander growled. "This is one of the 'concessions' he was talking about, innit?"
"No, no, it's not! There's nothing you–" Jackie groaned and thumped her forehead to his solar plexus. "There's nothing wrong with your thinking! And with how you approach this question. It's... me. I'm the one who needs to fix my noggin."
"What–" He gritted a swearing through his teeth. "What does this mean?"
Jackie shook her head without lifting her head. He shifted away, cupped her face, and lifted it, making her look at him.
She'd expected an aloof expression. Instead, an anxious grimace twisted his features.
"Jackie?"
If he was willing to open up, it was time to woman up and pull her weight. She clenched her fists and gathered lungfuls of the warm humid air.
"I'm confused, Alexander," she pushed the words out, her throat constricted. "I still want it for myself. But being with you– It's different now. And maybe it's that complicated for other couples as well, I don't know. And there's still a chance that Gabe will try to arse up my career. What if I get sacked? Then I will have to move again. And if there's a baby– And– And–"
"If you got sacked and found a position elsewhere, would you ask me to go with you?" he asked.
Jackie whipped her head and gawked at him. She hadn't even thought of this option... but to think of it, wasn't it the best option? Her mind worked frantically, and then her shoulders dropped, relaxing.
"Yes," she said simply. "I would. I wouldn't be able to stay here, and I want to be with you. And when you were in California, you said that you didn't have to come back to Fleckney to continue running your businesses, right?"
He studied her face. Jackie was still digesting her own unexpected realisation that if push came to shove, she'd work her arse off to stay with him. His straight arms heavily lay on her shoulders, and he locked his hands behind her back.
"I've got a hypothesis, but we should wash first," he said.
"Alright. Let's face it, I am getting pretty pruny."
He placed a quick tender kiss on her lips.
"Were you going to wash your hair?"
Jackie caught the eagerness hiding in his nonchalant voice and laughed. "Knock yourself out."
***
They sat down in the kitchen, and Jackie watched him start the kettle.
"What's the hypothesis?" she asked.
He turned to her and leaned his back against the counter.
"I think I understand what you meant by a 'typical couple.' Please let me finish," he said before she ventured into reassuring him. Jackie closed her mouth and nodded, encouraging him to continue. "Our relationship is undefined," he postulated. "Like a primitive notion."
"Oh my god, yes!" Jackie flailed her hands in the air. "Exactly! It's not defined by preexisting concepts! So, when there's a new issue or we try to figure out some fundamentals–"
"We struggle because of the possibility of infinite regress," he finished her thought.
"Yes!"
"It is a real-value function, though," he said. "I'm not worried. We just need to establish the axioms, and then we can solve the rest."
He crossed his arms on his chest. Jackie wondered if she should ask him to get dressed, since the only item on him was a pair of soft bottoms, and he was probably going commando as usual. He'd just said 'real-value' and that he wasn't worried; which, in Alexander talk, probably meant she was one and only, and he'd love her till the end of times, or something of the sort. The conversation was clearly heading in a positive, intimacy-building, connection-strengthening direction. His physical form once again became distracting.
"You say the most romantic things," Jackie snorted.
He poured the water over the teabags and sat on a chair across from her.
"Are you being sarcastic?" He calmly lifted the mug to his lips.
"No, I'm not. I'm teasing you, but I honestly think that it's romantic. Clearly, maths is our shared love language. It's brilliant!"
She covered his warm hand on the table and stroked it with her thumb. He flipped their hands, lifted hers, and pressed his lips to her knuckles.
"Alright, so what are the axioms in our relationship? I love you, and you love me," she said with a slight questioning intonation.
"And we can cohabitate successfully. We've tested it. So, we can make it permanent," he stated, almost as if in passing; and apparently promptly moved onto the next topic. "You want to have a child."
"Wait, wait, circle back, please." Jackie wasn't sure whether she found his approach adorable or too-abrupt-for-her-sanity. "What do you mean by 'make it permanent?'"
"Move in together," he said with a shrug. "To the Old School. I'm comfortable with it. I have little stuff, so it won't disrupt your lifestyle. We can work out the practical details later, if you agree."
"But– Are you–" Jackie halted and rubbed her temples. "OK, let's table this for now. Like you said, it would require some working out."
"We'll leave it on the agenda. Regarding a child–" He gave her a pointed look, encouraging her to speak.
Jackie had to take a few short, deep breaths to ground herself - but shockingly, she seemed to be keeping up.
"Right, yes, a baby." She cleared her throat. "I do. I do want to go through with it. But we're together now, you're part of my life." Jackie dangled the teabag in her mug. "If we live together, you will have to be involved in bringing that child up. Is it something you want?"
"Yes," he answered right away. "It was never part of my plans; but I can adjust."
A nervous laugh burst out of her. "Darling, I don't doubt your giant intellect, but you said that it's new information less than an hour ago. And it's a big decision. Being a co-parent. Or moving in together, for that matter. Do you want to take a bit more time to mull it over? "
"No, I don't."
She waited a tad, but he didn't appear inclined to elaborate.
Jackie poured more caffeine and tannins into her body, and asked, "So what now? Do we just hire a van and move your things to the cottage?"
"Yes, and we will need to rework the letting contract," he said and glanced around.
"What are you looking for?"
"My phone." He patted his hips with his hands. "For notes."
She was pretty sure that his mobile was still in the pocket of his jeans, which she'd dragged off him when they'd come in; but she wasn't going to enlighten him. She wasn't going to share his attention with a gizmo.
"Alexander, I need you to talk to me a bit more."
She could see the exact moment when he 'recalibrated' and zeroed in on her.
"Sorry. What am I missing?" he asked in a business-like tone.
Jackie's hand flew up to her neck, but there was no collar to tug. His robe loosely hung on her shoulders, and she hadn't even tied the belt.
"I need a... lemma," Jackie said. "Maybe several lemmas. Emotional lemmas to process this major shift. You know, the helping theorems?" He gave her a blank stare. "Alright, let me explain. Compared to, say, yesterday, or even two hours ago; I'm suddenly in a civil partnership, and we're planning to have a child together. From a non-progressive point of view, you've just proposed and volunteered to be my non-biological baby-daddy." Jackie intentionally went for the most annoying term she could come up with. "I agree, we are a real-value function, but I need you to determine the domain of this function. How does it work in your understanding? Define it for me."
He drew his eyebrows together; his lips moved silently. When he spoke, his voice was gravelly.
"It never changed for me. Since Year 10," he said. "What I want. I always want you. Anything you can give me. Living together was the Q.E.D. point in my estimation. I didn't expect a child to be a variable; but like I said, I can adjust. I'll co-parent to the best of my abilities."
"Living with me was your end-of-proof point? Your ultimate goal?" she asked.
He nodded. Jackie noticed the light blush on his cheekbones.
"You know that symbol you put instead of Q.E.D.? The square one?" she drew out. "It's called 'a tombstone.' Are you saying you want to be with me till death do us part?"
The exasperated glare he threw her made her giggle.
"That is bloody romantic," Jackie said.
"Good," he grumbled. "Do you need another lemma?"
"No, I'm good," Jackie dismissed - and deftly relocated her backside from her chair onto his lap.
They only stopped kissing, because the table was painfully digging into her side, and then she almost tumbled down, because she kept grabbing, and kissing, and biting anything she could reach.
He threw her on his bed; and she opened her knees, accommodating his delicious weight, crushing her into the sheets.
"One last thing," he said, looming over her on his elbows.
"Yes?" Jackie slid her hands over his gluteus medius muscles in a rolling movement, pushing the trousers off, savouring the firmness.
"Jackie."
She stilled at the soft warning in his voice.
"Sorry, I couldn't help it. Your bottom is my weakness." She rose and pecked his lips. "I'm fully present now. What is it?"
"Have you researched the risk factors for your pregnancy in case I were the biological father?"
Jackie took her previous question back: his wonderful, practical, to-the-point, considerate way of making an effort in their relationship was definitely giving her a whiplash. She ended up squeezing her eyes closed for a second in order to switch gears.
"What do you mean?" she asked, scrutinising his face. "In terms of potentially inheriting your ASD?"
"Yes."
Jackie sighed. "I did. Not that I expected you to... participate. Also, both my parents are alcoholics, so you know. So I can relate to your concerns about your father. Both my sisters have children, and one of them is married to a neurodivergent man. All my nieces and nephews are neurotypical. Currently the scientific opinion is that it's the mother's genetics that mostly determine whether the child might be autistic. Also, my age is the main risk factor here, darling," she said and stroked his cheek. "And the younger the biological father is, the lower the possibility of any neonatal complications is."
He was still pondering it, and Jackie added, "Alexander, you're welcome to do your own research. And then let me know what you think. If you change your mind, or simply want to discuss it."
His eyebrows jumped up. "Do you want me to change my mind?"
"No... and yes? I want you to decide for yourself. We can find a compromise. We've been communicating pretty well, haven't we?" She gave him a loving smile.
"But theoretically, would you consider having my child naturally?"
Only Alexander Fergusson could ask that with a straight face, as if talking about refreshing a paint job in her cottage.
"Having your baby naturally as opposed to going with a dollop of sperm based on a donor's bare-bone profile, followed up with a whole bunch of unpleasant medical procedures?" Jackie was unreasonably entertained by the turn this conversation had taken. "Well, yes. Whether it's possible, that's another question. But would I rather just shag for days and hopefully have a baby who might look like you? Definitely yes."
Alexander made a low gurgling noise in his throat and froze. The wide-eyed, flabbergasted look on his face was almost alarming. He once had announced to her that he had no imagination. Apparently he'd just discovered that he'd been wrong. Jackie wondered what mental images were flashing before his unseeing eyes at the moment.
Jackie was feeling increasingly happier with each passing second.
"Alright, let it sink in," she said and patted the aforementioned shapely bottom. "Can we have some safe sex meanwhile?"
Alexander pushed off the sheets, rocked back, and knelt on the bed. Jackie, of course, swooned; the man's physique was criminally sexy; but she didn't appreciate being abandoned on the bed, spread like a sea-star, the robe on her opened.
"Just a moment," Alexander rasped out and vigorously rubbed his face with his palms.
He lowered his hands, and his gaze roamed her body. Jackie decided to use her assets: for some reason, the man enjoyed her anatomy; she might as well remind him what he was missing. She stretched her arms above her head and murmured, "Are you coming?"
The assets paid off. One corner of his lips curled up.
"You first."