ANNTONIA's POV
I'm in love with you. Said Michelle's voice inside her head. It's been on replay like a broken record and she's about to get a headache because it gone louder and louder as time goes by.
"The nerve of that idiot to say that and walk away before I even get the chance to say it back?! Ughhh! She's so fucking annoying!!!" She screamed in a muffled voice against the pillow on her face.
But could you ever say it back? A part of her mind asked and that made her get up from lying.
She fell in deep thought, thinking.
She knew she was in love with Michelle. She often thought she'd been in love with her for longer than she realized and she accepted that fact as easy as one would accept the air into their lungs. But she was just so damn bad at this whole thing. She think she wasn't ready. She didn't know how to love, to trust, to believe if real love still exist and not just a game for people with reputation like Michelle. And mostly, she didn't know how to allow herself to love again.
She's damn scared.
She sat on the edge of her bed for hours, just thinking about it all. Technically, loving is easy. That wasn't the hardest part at all. The hardest part was trusting. Can she still trust her especially after what happened on her birthday? Though she realized that wasn't been entirely the girl's fault, but there was just a part of her that wanted Michelle so badly to wear the blame like a crown so that she'd have somewhere to point her finger at. It would've been easier to blame her for being hard to love than to blame herself for not knowing how to love her.
She feared that between her trust issues and Michelle's commitment issues, they'd never be able to find a balance. But like her, whatever it is that's between them, she wanted it too. She wanted them to find their balance, to find a way and meet each other in the middle. She knew deeply how much she wanted it to work. She didn't want to lose her, at least not without a fight. So maybe assigning blame wasn't the issue at hand, not right now. She's been sad over it, been mad over it, they'd argued over and made things clear, and now it was clear to be over it for good.
So for what must've been the hundredth time, she found herself taking that hundreds of steps to rushed to her. It was a recurring scene to them; like a deja vu. One of them did something dumb and then they said things they didn't mean, so they rushed to each other. It had been like that since they'd been picking things up and it hadn't changed. Because relationship or not, Michelle is still the one she wanted to see at every end of the path she walked on.
Before entering the building where the girl's apartment is, she took a deep breath and asked herself over and over if she was ready to face everything head on. And there's only one answer from her heart and mind that screamed in unison; YES.
When she reached her doorstep, she couldn't stop fidgeting. What if she wouldn't want to see her? What if she wouldn't open the door just like what she did to her? Her hand was trembling when she press the doorbell but to her surprise, Michelle opened it so quick as if she's been waiting for her.
Yes. She preferred to think she had.
"I'm in love with you." she blurted out as soon as the door was open, not even giving the girl a second to process her presence there.
She watched Michelle blinked, her face turned red immediately as her eyes widen in surprise though she stayed silent for about 10 seconds. Which 10 seconds longer than she would've liked. Eventually, she saw her sigh.
"Yeah, that's what I said earlier." The girl answered with sarcasm and she couldn't help but throw her a sharp glare.
"Now's not the time to be smart about it, Michelle."
The girl shot her a smile, a sad and tired one, but it's a smile nonetheless, so she took it as a good sign.
"There's always time to be smart about it—"
"Mich," she cut her and her expression lost the last bit of humor and grew serious. "I'm fucking in love with you too. You hear me?!" She added in an impatient way that she didn't intend to. It's just that, all she could see was disbelief in Michelle's expression. As if she's thinking that she gone out of her mind.
"I heard it, Anntonia. And believe me, I'm happy to hear it. Really. But I'm just not sure it's enough."
She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, realizing that the girl had voiced out her greatest fear. That as much as they loved each other, in the end that wouldn't be enough to save their relationship. After all the fuck ups and messes, it doesn't always work on love alone. It took more things, like commitment, like trust, like so many others that she wasn't sure they had down just yet.
"I know. I know saying it wasn't enough at all. I should work on my trust too. I should've trust you more. And I'm sorry that I didn't put much attention on things you worked for in order for me to trust you. I know there's lines that you crossed for me and I should've seen that. But I swear, I want us to work too. I still have a long way to overcome and work on my issues but I know I want no one but you, Michelle. Even if it scares me sometimes, I still want you. Because I love you." She expressed and realized how much weight had gone as soon as those words came out. Her voice cracked a bit and started tearing up. The tears she couldn't stop from falling down no matter how she hated crying so much.
She saw Michelle sigh as she cupped her face, immediately wiping her tears with her thumbs before she put her arms around her and held her tight, kissing her in the forehead and rubbing her back like she was trying to fix this messy relationship molecule by molecule.
"We're really a mess, aren't we?" Michelle mused and despite herself, she couldn't help but agree.
"So bad at it."
Michelle pulled away just a bit, enough to rest her forehead against hers and to kiss the top of her nose. That gesture was so soft and full of love that it made her heart clench in the middle of her ribcage. She wished there were a best way to proclaim their love and make their relationship work through sheer power of will but maybe she was right; they're a mess. But nevertheless, this is the mess she couldn't shake, the mess she wanted and probably the most beautiful mess she ever made.
"So what do we do about it?" The girl asked and she shrugged, so helpless it left her out of breath.
"We just hope that love is enough for now?"
She saw the girl clench her jaw and she knew she'd said the wrong thing. For now. Those words she hated so much, the ones that put an expiration date on their relationship, the ones that made the future into a terrifying black hole, the ones that filled her with anxiety and uncertainty.
"For now," she repeated bitterly and she could only bury her face in her chest.
"I'm sorry, Love." she mumbled. "That's the most I can offer. I can't promise you that can immediately trust you blindly from now on because I know how I am. I know I won't be able to because it's always a step forward and two steps back for me. I know I will tend to do that along the way because it became my default. And you'll get mad at me because of it and I'll get mad at you because you love your freedom more than anything and that will give me reasons to doubt you. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I will try very best from now so please be patient with me."
She tried to pull away and face the girl but found herself unable to. She feared to see the possible expression on Michelle face and what's it gonna tell her if this was it. That she couldn't take it anymore. That she wasn't fine with her absurd terms and that she was tired of fighting a battle that took so much effort. And she couldn't have said she doesn't understand because was tired too. Not tired enough to give up on Michelle, but tired enough to wonder what's the point even was. If they were doomed from the start, was this whole charade even worth it?
And because she wasn't one afraid to face things head-on and to look the truth in the eyes, she finally raised her gaze to meet Michelle's. But what she found there wasn't defeat and surrender, but defiance and stubbornness. And right there, she knew now. It was definitely worth it. If this ended in pain and tragedy, she would still never live to regret a single second of a year she spent with her, or a year before that denying her feelings for her. She'd only regret not coming to terms with those feelings earlier and denying herself happiness she could've had so much longer ago.
"So you're saying we're awfully dysfunctional?" She asked, softly smiling down at her and for what it's worth, she found herself returning that smile with a teary one of her own.
"Mostly, yeah," she replied and watch her sigh, the sigh of a person who made up her mind and slowly coming to terms with it.
"Well. You're such a lucky girl, Anntonia. Because I'm willing to take my chances." Michelle said in her most soulful voice and that made her shiver.
Maybe it didn't get past the girl's attention and noticed how her body reacted. When she looked at her, the girl was staring at her with her smoky eyes that showed how much she needs her right now. That she craved for her, and after what happened, this is the price she had to pay.
Michelle gently took her face between her hands and she immediately leaned in that gentleness, forgetting her fear, her worries and doubts.
This is us, for now. And it is enough. Her mind said as she closed her eyes, waiting for something she obviously knew was coming.
And it didn't take long until she felt the warmest and softest lips that ever touched her. She welcomed them fully at the first contact.
They kissed countless of times. There's the gentle one, the rough and the hungry. There's the lazy morning kisses and the playful after making love. There's the quick peck and the warm and relax one that's like a lullaby before she fell asleep. But this kiss, it felt different. It felt like the first time where you can feel your heart pounding none stop and your breath hitched in the middle of your chest as your knees tremble like your nervous but your not. The kiss suddenly felt like healing, and hope and a promise and Michelle really were delivering it with so much love.
Maybe that's the reason why it felt different? Because she felt her love rather than need. They now knew that they truly love each other. No more second guessing, no more walking on the eggshells.
They love each other.
"I love you, Anntonia." She heard her said between their kisses and for the first time, she believed that. She truly believed that.
As much as she wanted to say it back, she couldn't help but deepened their kisses. She slowly became aggressive as she began taking control over the battle of their tongues. She suck her lips good as her hands started moving from her waist into searching for the hem of her shirt. But maybe dominance is not her forte because as soon as she felt Michelle lift her in her arms without breaking away their lips, all she could do was jump into her, circling her legs around her waist, her arms came back resting on her shoulders and curling them around her neck, letting her to carry her wherever their destination is.
She couldn't help but let out couple of moans between their kisses until she felt the soft and cold bed against her back. That's the only time their lips parted, when she laid her slowly in her bed but their position didn't change. She's looking at Michelle from top of her and the girl was looking back at her with a look of adoration and she felt like she's melting under her gaze.
"I love you too, Michelle." she whispered out of nowhere as she remembered that she hasn't responded to her earlier.
A wide smile appeared on her face for a moment but her eyes were staring at her like she's the only thing that mattered. She never felt so loved before. If ever this is a dream, she didn't want to wake up from it.
"I feared I never hear that again." Michelle said in such a sexy way that she suddenly swallowed hard as her body started wanting her touch.
Michelle leaned it to claim her lips gain and she immediately gave her an open invitation to claim her spot between her legs and she did. She kissed her a little bit rough this time but she like it like that.
The girl's hand started moving until they were crawling inside her hoodie and that's when she realized, she hasn't wore anything underneath because she was in a hurry earlier. Michelle was quick to find her destination in her breast and cup it while she felt her smirking against her kiss.
"I didn't know you came here this ready, Love." The girl said in a teasing voice and she immediately glared at her.
"Just shut up and kiss me, Michelle Dee!" She groaned before pulling her and crushing her lips again.
The gentleness and tenderness of each touches were gone and immediately replaced with hunger and roughness. Moments later, Michelle managed to undress her, hoodie and pants down the floor and were only left with her black laced underwear. She struggled to stabilize her breathing as the girl's lips traveled slowly from her neck down to her bare chest while her hands were tracing the shape of her waist and hips, teasing her and probably waiting for her to beg her for more.
She knows she wanted her to beg that's why she's taking her sweet time teasing her.
"Love..." she called the girl, almost in a whisper but Michelle didn't respond, rather than taking advantage of her position as her mouth found one of her breast and sucked it before playing her nipple with her touch while her hand caressing the other.
Fucccckkkk! She cried internally at the nerve wracking pleasure she's feeling.
Moan after moan, all she could do was arch her back while crumble her hand on the bedsheet while the other was slightly pulling Michelle's hair.
"Ahhhhhhh, shit!!!" The words escaped her mouth when the girl sucked her breast a little harder.
She want her now. So bad. Inside her.
"I need you inside me, Love." She told her, sounding like a pleading.
Michelle took a moment to look at her, she had the mischievous smile in her lips, the very same lips that's been giving her pleasure for quite a while now but she wanted more.
"Beg. Beg for it, Love." The girl said in a teasing voice as her finger tips softly and slowly running, making a straight line from her cleavage to her belly button.
"No." She tried to keep a strong grip on her body no matter how much she wanted to beg. But she will not give her the satisfaction of her being a loser. Well, at least for a little while because she knew she will end up being one.
"Really? Don't you want me here?" Michelle asked her while her fingertips run a little more down until she lowered her underwear.
"Fuck..." she groaned between her controlled breathing.
"Come on, Anntonia. I know how much you want it." She challenged her and maybe on a regular days, she would be able to hold on her stubbornness but right now, she couldn't. She had no strength to do that.
So instead of answering, she pulled Michelle close to her until her ear was near her mouth.
"I need you inside me, Love... so bad. Now fuck me, PLEASE." she whispered but made sure she emphasized the last word.
And so, the long night begins.