Kira has been acting strangely since Simon mentioned the festival. I cannot even begin to imagine why. She loves the festival. At least, she used to. She acted weird about it when we were sitting outside the bank, and she mentioned it the first time too.
Does she not like the idea of being my girlfriend during the festival? Why not?! We always play games together and hang out with our friends. We'll do the same this year, but just together more... won't we?
Is it the dance?
For the first time, I'm actually looking forward to the dance because of the whole it's-a-dance-part of the thing. Usually, I just look forward to it because I get to hang out with my friends, jeering at Jet while he does dirty dancing with multiple girls. The music usually sucks, and Barn and I don't like the dancing part much, but there's always good food. We eventually end up making a bonfire on the beach and doing fun things there.
We're young, we're free; there's sand and sea... what more could a bunch of spirited kids want?
This year, I want to dance with my girlfriend at that dance and not get dragged onto the dancefloor by some girl I don't even like. This year, I'll do whatever Kira wants to do. The only thing I'm not compromising on is the boat race. I have to do the boat race, and I doubt Kira would want me to sit it out anyway. She and Deli love helping us decorate the boats and watching the race. They're a huge part of it all.
This year's festival is going to be different and special, so why does she look ill each time someone says something about the weekend? When my sister talked about how happy she was that she'd have a boy she loves with her at the dance for a change, Kira looked ready to run away.
We've danced together before. Yeah, sure, it's usually against her will and involves her shrieking at me to stop being a moron and to put her down, or she's going to turn me into a Soprano.
Seriously! She's always saying that, thinking it's a legitimate threat. How is she going to turn me into a member of a mafia family? I've asked her that once, and she just stared at me, blinking her eyes, and then she wanted to know if my brain hurts when I sneeze.
Yeah, she's a weirdo!
I honestly don't know what to make of the way she's acting about the weekend or how to feel about it. It is making me really uneasy.
"Hey, talk to me, Kicks. What's up?" I say, trapping her against the counter between their refrigerator and the crockery cabinets. She'll have to go through me if she wants to run away.
Kira and I are in the Croft's kitchen after we got a ride home with Simon when we declined his cocky offer to let us stalk them home. Seriously, I think the guy spends too much time with me and the guys. He is not as polite and well-mannered as he used to be. I even occasionally see Deli glare at him, and she might have pinched him once or twice.
Still, I enjoy it. He can be great fun when he wants to be. He is usually on board to do stuff with us as long as we're not doing anything too physical and injury-inducing.
I am not threatening Kira at all; I merely have my hands on the counter on either side of her hips, stopping her from dodging me or running away, but she looks completely freaked out, staring into my eyes like a frightened bunny. Is she even breathing?!
I don't get it. I've never hurt Kira, and I never will... not on purpose.
"You've been acting odd since Sy mentioned this weekend. What is it about the weekend that is freaking you out so much? I won't ask you to join us on the boat for the race; don't worry."
She doesn't answer; she just puts her hands on my chest, trying to push me away, but I'm not going to budge. She's going to have to try a lot harder. Well, I think she was pushing. It definitely started out as a push, but I'm not entirely sure what she's doing now. Is she feeling my pecs? Her hands are moving around over my chest, her eyes growing wider and wider. Does that mean she likes what she's feeling, or she hates it?
"Nothing," she croaks, and now she is undoubtedly pushing and looks a little panicked, so I let go of the counter to fold my arms over my chest. I'm giving her some space so she can feel less intimidated, but I'm not going to let her run away without talking to me.
"Kicks, come on," I say gently, smiling at her, though she's freaking me out. She blinks her eyes a few times, sucking in a deep breath.
"It's a long weekend," she finally says as if that explains anything.
"Yes, and?"
"Amber," she croaks, her eyes shying away from mine, and I just stare at her, trying to make sense of what she means. Amber... long weekend... What the hell has the one got to do with the other? Unless she wants the weekend off from our deal... Does she not want to spend the festival with me? Does she want Amber to take over and stand in for her this weekend?
No?! Really?! No!
"I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying," I groan, and I have to clear my throat a few times to make my voice work. It's like being punched in the gut.
"Which is?" Kira is looking confused now.
"That you want to hand me over to her to continue the tutoring."
"Huh?"
"Really, Kicks?" I'm genuinely upset now, and Kira is gaping at me as though I'm supposed to be okay with the fact that she's desperate to get out of being my girlfriend this weekend. "You find all of this so bad, you'd have a girl, I know you cannot stand, take over for you?"
"What?!" Kira squeaks, frowning at me.
It would've hurt less if she really did just punch me. I wish she were a guy; then she could just beat me up and get whatever is bugging her out of her system rather than be this cruel and crush my heart. The last time I felt this hurt was back when we were chosen to be the bride and groom in the school concert. When we got home, Kira spent the afternoon in Delia's room, making it very clear that she wanted to marry Robert Kingsley and not me. My bedroom was still next to Deli's back then, and I couldn't miss a word of her rant even though I wanted to.
I eventually ran away to Burlap's house and would've been in trouble if Deli hadn't done all my chores for me. She did make me do hers for the rest of the week to make up for it... and she told Kira that she'd never speak to her again if she married Robert and not me. Delia took the whole wedding thing almost as seriously as I did.
Until right now, it was just a cute childhood memory that often made us laugh, but now the residual emotions and pain still hanging around are coming crashing down in full force, and I know it is because I never understood what made Robert so special and me so unwanted.
I guess I really need to know.
"I know that you didn't want to marry me, okay," I growl, hating the stupid memory. Why can I not just forget it? It was fourth grade! "I know you wanted Robert Kingsley; hell knows why! The guy was such a baby! He cried every time I just looked at him for too long. Apparently, that is your type because all the guys you develop crushes on are like that. Do you want me to hand you over to him too, so that he can teach you all about dating?"
What the hell am I saying?!
I'm being an arsehole, and it's just making the hole in my heart grow bigger and leak black puss. It's true, though; all the guys Kira shows interest in turn tail and run when I just glare at them a little. She needs a man who can stand up for himself. One who is willing to fight for her, not some weakling who runs at my first growl. I want her to have a Simon!
Except, I want her Simon's name to be Ethan. I am that guy; I will fight for her. I won't run if someone growls at me...
I'll even let her go if she really needs me to let her go, but it is friggin' killing me!
"Huh?" Kira says, and I think she's been saying that a lot during this conversation. Can't she rather say something to make sense of this? Maybe I'm not making sense to her, either. I need to clarify it a bit better.
"I know he has a girlfriend these days, but hey, she wouldn't stand a chance against you. Want me to go put in a good word for you with Robert? I promise I won't make him cry again." Okay, that was not what I was going to say. My brain is malfunctioning; it's stuttering and thinking crap, causing garbage to ooze from my mouth.
"Have you lost your mind?" Kira splutters, and that sums it up pretty well. She gets it, after all!
"Yes, I have!" I exclaim. "The second you said you want to hand me over to Amber."
"First of all, I don't want Robert," Kira snaps, making me a little happy. "I never wanted him. He always had M&Ms of all kinds with him, and you know how I love M&Ms! I was hoping that if he were my groom, he'd share them with me. You, on the other hand, just liked pulling my hair and stealing my sweets! I didn't want to marry you because... oh, hell knows why! I was eight!"
I don't get it! She would trade me for M&Ms? She doesn't want me because I don't have any? Does Robert still have M&Ms? Should I be jealous of M&Ms and not of Robert? I'm starting to taste blood and realise that I'm biting my bottom lip too hard, trying to concentrate and make sense of this stupid conversation that is going from bad to worse. The more I try to get a handle on it and drag it back to safety, the more I muck it up.
Desperate to fix this rubbish situation and give Kira what she wants, I yank open the cabinet near her head and pluck the big bucket of M&Ms she stores in there out of it, shoving it into her hands.
"There are your precious M&Ms! Do you want me now?"
Somebody, please shoot me with a tranquiliser gun! I am completely out of control, and my stupid temper is running away from me! At this rate, I'm going to end up breaking up with her, and that is the last thing I want to do.
"These were mine even before you gave them to me!" Kira grunts, glaring at me and cheekily pops the lid off the plastic container, grabs a handful of the balls and holds the bucket out to me. I couldn't eat anything right now, even if I tried, though I am flattered that she's offering to share them with me. Unless she just expects me to hold the bucket so her hands are free to pig out. I watch her close the lid, plop the bucket on the counter and shove the pebbles into her mouth with deliberately exaggerated movements, crunching them loudly and violently between her teeth.
Her M&Ms? I thought it was ours. Yeah, sure, the bucket is in her cabinet, and she keeps it stocked, but I often refill it too, and she always buys loads of the peanut butter ones I love so much, while I know she prefers the plain chocolate ones. Why would she do that if these are her M&Ms and not mine too?
Is she taking them away from me now? Does that mean I cannot have some whenever I want? It always makes me so happy that she keeps a whole tub of it over here for when I visit. If she really has such a huge thing for them, why does the level only drop after my visits and not in between? She barely touches them.
"What's your problem?!" she snaps when she's done chewing like she's waging a war in her mouth, and I'm still staring at her, trying to make sense of what is happening here. Why are we fighting? I don't want to fight with Kira! I want to hold her and kiss her... but...
"My problem?" I growl since my heart, my brain and my mouth are having communication issues. "My girlfriend is trying to pass me off on another girl. A girl she doesn't even like!"
Kicks really doesn't like Amber, and not in a pretend way, like she doesn't like Jet, but then always makes sure to include liquorice in the snacks she buys for outings, even though he is the only one who eats it. Kira cannot stand liquorice. She doesn't like Jet, and then she cries her eyes out when he falls with his bike and breaks his arm... and he didn't even fall on her, he just fell near her.
Maybe Kira is secretly in love with Jet!
She's definitely not secretly in love with Amber. She's told me many times that she hates the way the girl looks down on me and says humiliating things to me, trying to belittle me, telling me I'm stupid and should leave the thinking to her. One day, I pointed out to Kira that she also thinks I'm stupid, and she got really mad at me.
"No, I don't; I think you're an idiot. There's a vast difference, Ethan! I don't think you're stupid!"
I thought it meant the same thing, but she told me that an idiot plays paintball with his friends, wearing only goggles and underpants, and then they have brawls to determine who has the most bruises. She said that being an idiot is a voluntary thing that has nothing to do with intelligence... the same thing as being a moron.
She's right, she does call me and the guy idiots and morons very often, but she's never called us stupid.
"Don't the two of you get all tangled up every time she visits her grandmother?" Kira asks, raising her eyebrows and giving me a look... making me feel a bit stupid now. She genuinely dislikes Amber, so why is she trying to push me to her?
"I don't usually have a girlfriend when that happens," I mutter, feeling as though a massive hole just opened where I'm standing, and I'm not even crashing down into it fast and mercifully painless; I'm sliding in through a cheese grater, one painful millimetre at a time.
"Well... that's why I want to know if you want to put our... thing... on hold for the weekend or... end it so you can-"
That's it, I cannot do this!
"Wow! Aren't you just the most accommodating girlfriend ever?!" I shout, finally falling down that hole, losing most of my skin in the process.
I cannot stay here. The more we talk, the worse it gets. Doesn't Kira know about everything that happened between Amber and me? I never really talked to her and Deli about it much or about all the crushing things Amber used to say to me, making me feel like a snot worm. She used to mock me for loving a girl she said I didn't stand a chance with.
It seems she was right after all.
With numb legs, I turn away from Kira's glittering eyes and slam my way out of their kitchen before I say more stupid things and do more damage. It is hot outside, but I'm shaking as if my organs are all frozen.
For once, I welcome the cloying heat. I don't feel the mosquitoes coming in for a feast, and I barely notice the sweat trickling from my hair. I walk, and I walk, squinting when cars pass me in the dark, their headlights blinding me. I don't stop walking until a cool hand suddenly curls around my wrist, snapping my attention back to where I am.
"Ethe, what's wrong?!" Wendy gasps when I yank my arm free and try to continue my walk. I blink at her, slowly returning to the present, surprised by how far I've walked.
"Hey," I mutter, gaping at her. "Where did you come from."
"Over there," she says, pointing at her favourite smoking spot on the low wall behind the garbage cans beside the convenience store. I don't get why she always sits there. It's smelly. I guess it's because she's hard to spot over there, especially when it's dark. Wendy likes hiding. "I called out to you."
"Sorry," I sigh, rubbing a hand through my hair, upset to realise that I'm still shaking. "I didn't hear you."
"What happened?"
"Nothing," I grunt, trying to avoid her perceptive eyes, but in the light of the street lamps, I can see that she is glaring at me now, and I'm in serious danger of receiving a lot of pain if I don't just spit it out.
"Kira wants to call off our... thing... for the weekend so I can hang out with Amber."
Wendy's glare turns into a frown, and after staring at me for a while, she slowly shakes her head, the breeze picking up her blond hair and blowing it into my face, making it look like she's underwater. An angry sea-witch... a pretty one...
"No," she says after a minute and now I'm the one who is frowning.
"No?"
"No, I'm sure you're just being an idiot."
"What?"
"Think about it, Fletcher!" she snaps. "It makes no sense! Why would she want to do that?"
"She doesn't love me," I shrug, hating hearing the words out loud. They'd been echoing in my mind during my entire walk here, knocking around in there and giving me a headache, and now they're out here, reverberating in my ears. "I think she's sick of this arrangement."
"No," Wendy says again, really annoying me now.
"I need more than bloody 'no', Wendy!"
"Don't you yell at me!" she shouts, punching my arm, and for once, I don't just take it; I sidestep her and start walking again, dragging her along with me a few steps when she wraps her arms around me. "Yes, you need more than 'no', Ethe. You need a nice flowery speech with good, clear words, so go speak to Burlap, okay? He'll explain it better."
"Hey," I call out when she lets me go and starts heading back the way we came, aiming for her house, three doors up from the store. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine," she grins, turning to look at me while she walks backwards. "My mom's husband will be passed out by now. Go speak to Burlap!" I wonder if I've ever heard her call her stepfather anything other than 'my mom's husband'. I suppose that is all he is to her.
I watch her spin around and jog away, not liking this at all.
"Come with me?!" I shout after her, but she just waves a hand over her shoulder and vaults into their yard over the low wall, keeping their mongrel out of the street. Wendy might be the most stubborn person I know.
I'm feeling a bit calmer now, though, and I'm walking less like a zombie, which means I'm swatting at the irritating mosquitoes and regretting being out in the heat. Is Wendy right? Am I misunderstanding things?
I think she messaged Burlap because he meets me at their gate when I arrive at his house and hooks an arm around my head, pulling me into a scrum-hug-tussle when I reach him.
I'm feeling better already.
"Let's get in the pool," he suggests when I free myself from his suffocating grasp. Liking that idea, I lead the way through their leafy garden to their backyard.
The Hessian's garden is a jungle of selloums, banana trees and strelitzias. It is lush and beautiful and the perfect home for snakes. Arriving in the backyard, unmurdered by snakes, I waste no time kicking off my shoes and stepping into the pool, splashing down on the last step so only my head and shoulders are above the water after I dunk them too and sit up straight.
This is such a relief!
"You and Kira had a fight?" Burlap asks, joining me in the pool. We often hang out in a pool fully clothed when it's hot and humid, like tonight. It was so much more tolerable in town today. The heat crawled in with the sunset, and after angry-walking this far, I'm about to combust.
"Yeah."
"Over Amber?"
"Yeah."
"That makes no sense."
Sighing, I lean forward, resting my forearms on my knees and dropping my face into the water. My mind always feels so much clearer when my ears are filling with cool water, drowning out all sound so I can think for a change. I stay like this for as long as I can, lifting my head when my lungs start to scream for air. The warmer the water, the easier it is to stay under it without needing air. Burlap is patiently waiting for me when I pull my face out of the water, brush the worst of it out of my eyes, and turn to look at him, ready for some of his wisdom.
"I think Kira might be in love with Jet," I tell him.
"What?!" Burlap is looking at me with huge eyes now, his skin appearing a bit jaundiced in the greenish glow of the underwater pool lights. "Where does this come from?"
"She always buys liquorice."
To his credit, Burlap knows what I'm talking about because after finishing that sentence, I realised that he might need context. Apparently, he doesn't.
"That is because she's kind. She's not in love with Jet. She doesn't look at him the way she looks at you; besides, she always buys Toxic Waste Candies because I like them."
"Yeah, you're right; she always hides behind me when Jet looks her way. She's definitely in love with you."
"What? That's not what I said!"
"I know, but think about it. You have a lot in common, and she's comfortable with you and-."
"Ethe! Come on, give me some credit! I would never do that to you!"
"Oh, I know! It's not you I'm worried about," I assure him. "I didn't say you were in love with her... Are you?"
"No! You know I'm not!" Burlap growls, giving me a hard shove, catching me unawares, and I slip off the step and slide under the water. He seems to be glaring at me when I surface and get back onto the step. It's hard to tell because there are too many shadows on his face, which is probably a good thing because he is pretty scary when he glares at people.
"Ethan, you're already upset because you somehow pissed off your girlfriend. Don't pick a fight with me now too, and make yourself feel even worse. It's not going to work because I know you're just glitching out."
"I'm sorry..."
"I know," he sighs, putting his hand on my back, and it says a lot about his self-control that he doesn't shove me again. "You know she's not in love with me. She doesn't look at me the way she looks at you, either."
"With fiery sparks in her eyes," I sigh, feeling miserable. "Like she wants to set me on fire?"
"Yeah, Dude," Burlap grunts. "I'm kinda looking at you the same way right now, but I still love you, so..."
"Thank you," I say with a smirk. "I'm really flattered."
"You know me," he shrugs, grinning. "I'm nothing if not charming and romantic."
"You're right," I laugh. "We should give up on girls and just date each other. It would be way less complicated."
"Hell no!" he snorts, taking his hand from my back as if there's a possibility that I might be serious. "If I'm going to date a guy, it will be Barn, not you."
"What the hell?!" It really hurts when your best mate doesn't want to date you... and not just because he's not into guys.
"You're too blooming high maintenance," Burlap shrugs and now I kind of want to shove him into the water. "Barn at least listens to reason now and then and doesn't get hurt half as often as you do."
"That's just because he's a mountain and often lands on top of me!" I growl, scooping a handful of water and splashing my former best friend with it. This, of course, leads to a full-on war, starting off as playful splashing and ending with us wrestling at the deep end, trying to dunk each other. It's a fun activity, made a bit harder by our water-logged clothing.
Ah, Burlap! He always knows how to calm me down.
"What exactly did she say?" he asks when we finally make it back to the shallows so we can lie side-by-side on the broad top step with the back of our heads on the side of the pool, gazing at the stars glittering in the black sky.
"That it's a long weekend," I shrug, trying to remember her exact words. "And I usually 'get tangled up' with Amber on long weekends, and she was wondering if I wanted to put our THING on hold... or end it so I can... dunno... something..."
"Ethe," Burlap says after a while, sitting up and looking down at me. "This is Kira; she's very insecure when it comes to guys. Remember what Cole did to her? Amber is always mean to her and breaks her down... there's no way she would encourage you to be with her. How much does she even know about your messy relationship with the girl?"
"I don't know..." I mutter, thinking about it. How much does she know? "Does it matter? Besides, I'm not Cole or some guy. I'm Ethan. I love her."
"She doesn't know that. From the outside, you and Amber always seemed to be really into each other," Burlap tells me with a grimace, and I sit up too, turning to look at him. "The only reason I knew you weren't was because I know you, and you tell me stuff."
That's true. Burlap is the one I talk with about anything and everything, even things I don't tell Delia.
"Then there was that whole blow-up between you and Jet about Amber. It could be misunderstood. Maybe Kira thinks you're really into Amber and that she's the real reason you want to learn to be a good boyfriend..."
"What?!"
There's no way that is what Kicks is thinking. Is there?
I run my mind over the conversation we had in their kitchen, and I cannot remember what I said to her. I know there was a whole stupid tirade over Robert and M&Ms. Did we actually break up, though? I'm not sure. What did we say about Amber?
I should go home and fix this, but I know that right now, my head is all over the place, and I need to stay here in this pool and get my brain working properly again, or I'll just keep on saying the wrong things, pushing Kira away further and further. I might've already done more damage than I can fix.
"Burlap," I finally ask the only question that will form clearly in my mind. "Are you saying my girlfriend is stupid, or are you saying she's an idiot?"
"Neither," he chuckles, putting an arm across my shoulders. "I'm saying your girlfriend is scared of being hurt.... just like you."
♂♀