It took a pause in her playlist as it transitioned to the next song for Louise to hear the knocking.
She recognized the knuckles hitting against her apartment door the same way one recognized the pattern of footsteps on stairs, and she pulled down her clunky headphones to greet Tina.
"Hey Tin-" No sooner had she opened the door than a rag was thrown over her face. Louise pulled the cloth down to her shoulder, bewildered.
Tina stood in a plum dress and cardigan with her two children, Ava in one of those things that snaps onto a car seat and Griffin on her hip. If not for the barely concealed bags under her eyes, Louise might have thought Tina looked suspiciously put together for a new-ish mom.
While they stood there staring at each other, Louise's headphones let out a string of profanity from a child-unfriendly song. The Mom Eyes were coming in nicely, as Tina's disapproving stare forced Louise to remove the headphones from her neck and set them aside.
Coming back to the doorway, Louise cleared her throat to ask if she missed a text, but Tina beat her to the punch.
"Hey, can you hold this for me?" Tina asked, leaning Griffin over to Louise.
"Your... son?" Confusion evident, Louise still took hold of the one-year-old. Or was it something teen months? Louise tended to tune out the month garbage.
"Great, and how about this one too," Tina continued as though Louise hadn't spoken. She put the handle of the baby carrier in Louise's hand, squeezing to make sure the grip was secure.
"T, what's-"
"Perfect. Everything you need is in this bag," Tina kicked the diaper bag at their feet, "and read the note. Okay, that should be it, gottagothanksbye."
"Wait, Tina, no," Louise juggled the child on her hip, watching with panicked eyes as Tina kept moving, not looking back. "I can't- where are you going? Ti- no, Tina, come back! My apartment isn't baby-proofed, Tina! This is very irresponsible! And that's coming from ME! Tina!!"
Louise's cries for help fell on deaf ears, as her sister fled the building like it was on fire.
Well, not entirely deaf ears.
The door to the apartment across the hall opened and an annoying blond head poked out.
"Heyyy, so I know you're unfamiliar with the concept, but do you think we could try using our inside voices today? I'm trying to relax over here," Logan said, as he waved a chicken wing at her then disappeared back into his own apartment.
She gaped at him, gaped at the empty hall Tina went down, gaped at the children in her arms.
Too flabbergasted by Tina's manipulation, Louise didn't even challenge her rival and neighbor. Instead, she brought the kids into her apartment, setting Ava's seat on the couch and keeping a hold of Griffin. When she dragged the diaper bag across the threshold, she spotted a white envelope taped to the top.
Opening it, she read:
Louise, by the time you read this, I will already be gone.
"Yeah, no shit," Louise said then cringed as she remembered Tina's no cursing rule.
You might be a little confused during this time. I was too when I snapped to awareness about an hour ago and realized I haven't been out on a nice date since Ava was born.
I'm sorry I didn't prepare you more, but I knew you would say no. This was my only option. Mom and Dad are still in Florida, and Gene is ... Gene. No hard feelings though, right? I love you.
There would be many hard feelings, Louise thought. The rest of Tina's letter contained instructions on how to watch the children for the next two to three hours. She fished the bottle out of the diaper bag and placed it in her fridge, all the while talking to Griffin.
"I'd murder your parents," she cooed sweetly to her godson, "but that would mean you would come to live with me permanently, and we can't have that."
Griffin babbled his response, not really understanding the meaning of her words.
"Right. So, um, most of the outlets are still covered from your last visit," even as she spoke, Louise spotted a frequently used and uncovered outlet. "Or... not. Okay, your sister is asleep, so let's leave her be and go on a trip to the junk drawer."
"Juhdra!"
"That's right, junk drawer." Louise patted his head. "Look at you, already smarter than your dad."
After locating the drawer in her kitchen filled with the most treasured of necessities like ketchup packets and Ikea wrenches, Louise found one and a half outlet covers and sighed.
"You think if I push furniture in front of it that counts as baby-proofing?" Louise asked Griffin.
"Nononono."
"What, you a cop?"
Entering the living room, Louise set Griffin down and pointed at him sternly.
"Don't go anywhere. I'm just making this place safe. Stay there and uh... be a baby."
Griffin looked at her for a second, then immediately made to stand and go.
"What did we just talk about?!" Louise asked, scooping him right back into her arms. She might have been too loud, as she heard Ava start to stir. No cries yet, so Louise considered it a victory.
She held onto Griffin during her journey to plug every outlet and cover all of the sharp corners, only setting him down when a job required two hands. As he tried to crawl to freedom, Louise grabbed his ankle and pulled him right back much to Griffin's giggling delight.
While Louise wasn't a stranger to her niece and nephew, she never got stuck babysitting alone and definitely never in the form of an ambush. Tina thrived as a mom, nurturing, patient, openly affectionate. All things Louise was not. She ruffled Griffin's dark hair while he tried to pry her other hand from his little foot. Still, she counted herself lucky enough to have agreeable kids to watch.
Which of course was when Ava started to cry.
Focus darting from Griffin to Ava, Louise sighed and hauled herself and the boy off the floor. He giggled again when she tossed him gently onto the other side of the couch.
"No funny business, alright? That's my job, and I won't have you muscling in on my territory."
He answered her in nonsense but stayed put.
Louise nodded and focused on Ava. She winced as the baby hit a note her ears weren't equipped to handle.
"Yes, we know you have very powerful lungs, okay?" Louise said as she sat and unbuckled Ava from her seat. She sniffed her, but everything smelled clean. The note from Tina mentioned hunger cues, but Ava didn't seem to be doing any of them.
The second Ava settled into her arms, the crying quieted until it ceased completely.
"What?" Louise asked.
Ava blinked up at her but obviously offered no answer besides an open mouth almost-smile.
Assuming the little one only wanted to be held, Louise huffed.
"A softie like your brother, huh? He used to want to be held all the time too. Now he doesn't want to stay still. Isn't that right, Griff?"
Louise glanced at the empty end of the couch over her shoulder.
Wait. Empty?
Louise did a double-take and saw no rambunctious youngling sharing a spot on her thrifted furniture.
Her head swiveled around the room, looking for any sign of him. Her heart started to beat a little faster. She stood and almost ran to the next room before remembering the baby in her arms.
"Right, uh, I just have to set you down for a second, okay," she said to Ava. Of course, the young girl didn't understand her and screeched the second she felt the back of the car seat again.
Louise jolted Ava back into her arms, and the screams stopped.
"Okay, okay, not a big deal. It's fine. I'll just take you along for the ride."
She traveled to each room and listened closely. No sign of him.
Louise started to sweat.
"Where could he- it's not like he can open..." Even as she uttered the words, she checked the door out of nervous worry and went cold.
It was open.
Only a crack, the strap of the diaper bag kept it from closing all the way. She could hear her heart in her ears, and Ava sensed the rising panic in Louise's chest, crying in response to the rapid movement of Louise's shallow breaths.
Not knowing what to do, who to call, or what was happening. Louise shot into the hall towards the only person she knew within her vicinity.
The entire time she pounded on Logan's door, she checked down each direction of the hall and back at her own still open apartment door.
"I know you can hear me!" Another round of knocking was met with silence. "Logan, open up!"
"No thanks!" he said, his cheery disposition leaking through the door. "I can see you're holding a baby, and the last time this happened you tried to convince me I accidentally bought one off Craigslist."
He confirmed what she already knew, that he was standing there watching her freak out. She didn't have time to be angry or witty or cool.
"I need," she swallowed her pride, "help. P- ... please."
The door was yanked open, and Logan stared down at her in shock.
"Did you just use the P word?" He asked, almost spluttering.
"Don't make me say it again. Can y-"
Logan interrupted her with crossed arms and narrowed eyes. "What did my mom steal from a William Sonoma?"
"A- I'm not a shapeshifter, idiot."
"Answer the question."
"A muffin thing now seriously I'm freaking out!"
He dropped his arms and blinked in surprise, but asked, "What happened?"
Louise took a deep breath then gestured to the baby in her arms while checking the halls again.
"So Tina was here and she dropped off her kids and I get why she wouldn't give them to Gene but my place isn't kid friendly but then she just left and the baby cries when I put her down and I turned my back for one second, ONE SECOND, and now he's gone and the door was open and he's probably dead I can't find him."
"Wow, uhh okay, do you want me to look or take this one?"
"Hold her please! I can't run with her or listen for Griffin if she cries."
"O- okay, here." He took Ava, both of whom wore matching faces of confusion. She didn't have time for snarky remarks, so she took off towards the dead end of the hallway. There was a nook at the end that Griffin could technically be hiding in.
Empty.
Relieved and not at the same time, she ran back and noticed Logan's door was closed but hers was wide open. She found him in her living room.
"What are-"
"Shh." Logan held a finger to his lips. "The other way had a shut fire door. Is he old enough to open a fire door?"
"... no."
"Okay, so he probably didn't go that way. I'd bet he's hiding in here somewhere."
Stilling their movements, both Louise and Logan craned their ears and listened for Griffin. She worried that she wouldn't be able to hear anything over her own heartbeat, but after several moments-that lasted too long for her liking-they heard something like a shuffle from her bedroom.
"The crawl..." Logan started. "Is coming from inside the house."
"That was god awful," Louise groaned. "But... did kind of... make me feel better."
Logan didn't follow her to the bedroom, likely closing the last exit route.
While she entered her room quietly, she grimaced. Of all the rooms, this one was definitely the most dangerous, eyeing the sword hanging on her wall in particular.
She held her breath and heard a thud from the closet. Forcing herself to remain calm, she threw open the door as softly as she could manage and found Griffin chewing on one of her belts.
"Why- okay, no, spit it out."
"Ow?"
"Yes, out."
Griffin continued to gnaw on the leather belt, thankfully nowhere near anything too sharp.
"This whole place is a death trap, god," Louise said, grabbing the belt from him even as he whined. "Let's play with your other toys, huh? I'm pretty sure your mom packed... something."
Scooping him again, Louise heard her back pop from the continuous stress of the up and down motion and groaned. Her anxiety had yet to return to normal levels of mostly nonexistent, and she wanted nighttime to come yesterday. She would never answer the door to Tina again.
Before leaving the bedroom, Louise grabbed a laundry basket and brought it with her back to the living room. Logan was still there, rocking Ava slightly. He let out a sigh of relief, gesturing with his chin to Griffin.
"So this is the troublemaker?"
"Yep," she said, setting Griffin on the ground and putting the laundry basket over him. He giggled and tried to break free of baby jail, but she placed a nearby book on top. "This one's Griffin, and you're holding Ava. Don't ask me how old they are, I have no idea. Less than two, and this one's older."
She kicked slightly at the laundry basket, and another round of giggles exploded from Griffin as he was jostled.
Crawling, Griffin used his head to push the laundry basket around the room. He didn't seem to have the strength to knock it over, so it appeared as though the basket moved on its own, bumping into furniture and walls.
"So." Logan pointed at the basket. "That seems bordering on cruelty."
"It's not permanent!" Louise defended her own actions. "I'm just gonna build a barricade in the living room so he has to stay in here. And maybe inflate the kiddie pool for Ava. It's fine."
"I bet that's what they said in Les Mis. And what happened to them? Dead."
"You're one of a kind, Bush."
She went to work, blocking everything off by moving dining room chairs on their sides and placing spare pillows and blankets around any sharp corners. She ignored Logan's snide remarks while she constructed walls, especially since she agreed with him that the entire thing was insane.
While she retrieved the kiddie pool from her storage closet, she heard Ava cry out. She sighed, pushed herself to her feet, and closed the door behind her.
"Louise! We have another situation."
When she returned, she saw Griffin had managed to flip the basket over. He was still in it, but only because every time he tried to climb out Logan would pull the basket with his foot in another direction. Ava continued to cry.
"Can you take her? I can't- I don't know what she wants."
"Well, are you pinching her?" Louise ignored Logan's affronted noise and took the baby from his arms, but Ava still cried. Curious, she found Tina's note again. "Might be time to eat. Can you keep Griffin occupied while I fix her a bottle? If you get bored, you can help me blow up this kiddie pool. Since you're so opposed to baby jail."
Logan acquiesced and sat on the ground. He busied the two of them by pretending the laundry basket was a spaceship, which Griffin loved.
While Griffin was the happiest baby she ever met, he usually warmed up to strangers at a slower rate, so Logan connecting to the younger boy was... unusual to say the least.
Ava's tiny hand whacked her in the face.
"I knew you took after me," Louise whispered in response to the slap.
She moved to the kitchen to warm up the bottle. While she waited, Louise considered her arch-enemy sitting with her nephew.
She could barely believe she let him inside her apartment. Ever since she moved in, Logan had been nothing but trouble. For the first few weeks, he stole all of her packages and only gave them back if she caught him in the act.
At the microwave's beep, Louise removed the bottle, tested the temperature against her skin, and found it adequate. She fed Ava, whose cries immediately ceased. With the quiet taking over, Louise let her thoughts return to her situation.
She never figured out why he stopped taking boxes from her front door, but that wasn't the last of his antics. More than once, Louise came home to her door vandalized or notices from the landlord balled up on the ground. Once, she even chased away a Jehovah's Witness after Logan assured him that she was a wayward soul ready for redemption.
She paid him back for that one big time.
Louise moved Ava to a burping position, finally understanding why Tina had tossed the rag over her shoulder. Or head really, but Louise thought she meant the shoulder.
Not hearing noises from the living room, Louise made her way back, stepping carefully over the barricade. Ava whined, so Louise put the bottle back into her mouth.
Logan, red-faced, was still on the ground and had the pool mostly blown up, while Griffin sat quietly. Stopping for a breath that wasn't immediately pushed into the inflatable, Logan half-heartedly gestured over to Griffin.
"He... stopped trying to... escape," he said between breaths, then with one final inhale filled the pool up. He plugged it quickly. "Gah! Why... do you even have this?"
"College. We used to fill it up with... never mind," Louise cut herself off at Logan's curious eyebrow. She directed her attention down to Ava. The girl didn't finish her bottle but refused to take it back into her mouth.
After he regained his composure, Logan followed up on the story.
"Now hold on, you can't leave me on a cliffhanger like that."
"Silly me, probably just lying again to sound interesting. Oh well! Hey, just so you know, that face," Louise pointed at Griffin, "means he's pooping."
Logan shuddered, then looked at her expectantly.
"What?" Louise questioned. She hated diaper duty and tried to pawn off the task. "You do it. You're closer."
Using his foot, Logan pushed the laundry basket, and therefore Griffin, closer to her then retracted his leg.
"I need a break from all of the lung labor I just put in," Logan said, avoiding eye contact. "Besides, I'm the guest here, not your butt monkey."
"You don't know how, huh?"
"I'm an only child and a man." Logan held up his hand to make a goose egg. "I have been asked exactly zero times to change a diaper."
With a groan, Louise retrieved the diaper bag and a towel to put on her floor. She addressed Logan.
"Alright, well, Ava needs to be burped, so I guess you can continue to live in ignorance for a while longer." She gave him a disappointed look before continuing. "I'm texting you an instructional video later though."
"I'd appreciate it."
Louise cocked her head at the unexpected gratitude as he stood and took hold of Ava.
"Look, I recognize it's a life skill," he said. "And maybe I don't like the idea of you being better than me at literally anything."
She laughed, then shut her mouth quickly to hide her amusement. Louise busied herself changing Griffin with minimal noises of disgust, while Logan patted Ava softly on the back.
"I didn't expect your place to look... like this," Logan said suddenly.
"What are you trying to get at now?" Louise asked, glancing around the modest living area.
Most of her furniture was thrifted or gifted to her when she moved in, but it lent itself to an eclectic style Louise treasured. Maybe one day she would have the luxury penthouse of her dreams, but until then she was happy with what she had. It meant she spent her money on things she wanted.
"I mean, I thought it'd be more like a torture chamber or something." He shrugged. "Definitely at least one sword."
Louise snorted. "That's in the bedroom."
"That checks out. I'd like to see it sometime." He paused. "The sword. Not the bedroom. Keep your kinky dungeon secrets."
Louise rolled her eyes as she finished taping up Griffin's diaper. As she took everything to throw away and wash her hands, Louise didn't worry about another escape attempt from her favorite, and only, nephew.
Just when she thought she might be at a point to dismiss the forced help, a very unfortunate, very wet sound rang out as she reentered the living room.
Louise realized a little too late she forgot to relinquish the spit rag Tina had thrown on her. She caught the tail end of Logan's disgust as Ava spit up on his back.
"Why do they keep... expelling around me?!"
"Are you cursed?" Louise asked genuinely. "Should I not let you near small children if you're cursed?"
He ignored her, and Louise took the opportunity to place Griffin in the inflatable pool with a few toys and a pillow.
Logan continued to whine. "Ugh this is so much worse than the poop..."
"Pull yourself together, wuss. Baby spit up doesn't even smell."
Though mocking him delighted her, Louise saw him squirm again and felt a shred of pity. She opened her arms for the transfer, and Logan immediately relieved himself of holding duties with no regrets.
"It's not the smell. It's knowing what it is and the feeling of it like seeping into my clo-yuech," Logan gagged. "If I don't get this off of me in the next two seconds, I'm gonna hurl."
"Bathroom's that way." Louise pointed.
He took off, leaping over the barricade.
Louise cleaned up Ava, who shot to the top of her favorite relative list by blessedly aiming most of her mess at Logan. Griffin seemed none the wiser to Ava overtaking him in the ranks, occupied by one of the soft toys Louise threw at him.
Again, she couldn't imagine being on her own, drowning in panic and bodily fluids. Logan's help put her in a terrible, unthinkable position though.
She was going to have to, ugh, thank him.
"I can't believe they dumped two kids on you like this," the devil himself said, reentering the living room. Louise answered while she turned to face him.
"Tina had to have been at the end of her ro-" Louise cut herself off and threw a hand over her eyes. "Where is your shirt?!"
Realizing Logan might use her embarrassment at seeing him shirtless against her, Louise tried to play off the eye covering as a nose scratch.
"I told you, I don't like the fe-eugh," he gagged again, and his back rolled as though a phantom sensation rocked through him. "Gives me the heebie jeebies."
"Alright alright, fair enough." Louise avoided looking in his general direction. "I bet I have a partner that left a shirt behind somewhere."
Brushing her off, Logan scoffed.
"First, I live across the hall. If I need a shirt, I'll go get one. Second, really don't want to wear your ex-boyfriend's shirt."
Popping her hip out, Louise risked making eye contact to condescend to him. A mistake, she determined after a half-second. Tina's voice echoed in the back of her mind, something about hot rowdy boys. Louise shuddered and went back to her original point.
"Ex-boyfriend? That's awfully presumptuous of you," Louise said, schooling her features.
"What..." Logan trailed off until it hit. "Oh! I didn't know you were gay."
"You do know there's more than two options, right?"
Logan rubbed the back of his neck. "... there's no way to come out of this conversation a winner, is there?"
"Not at all."
"Then I'll use a distraction and call it a draw," he said and held up his arms with grabby hands. "Gimme the baby."
"No, go put on a shirt." Louise pointed at the door and his own home. "Your nipples are all... out. What if she tries to latch or something?"
"She just ate."
"Still..."
"What's the big deal? Shirtless people hold babies." Logan fixed her with a stare. "Unless, of course... it's not the baby that has the problem."
Louise spluttered. "What?! Why would I have a problem?"
"I don't know. You tell me."
"You're nuts. There is no problem." She held up Ava to block her face. "Here, take her."
Grabbing Ava, Logan moved her into his arms just to examine Louise's expression. His eyes went wide.
"Are you... blushing?"
"No!"
"Ha! You totally are." He went to sit on the couch, still smirking.
"Its nerves left over from thinking I lost a kid! That's all."
Distracting herself with Griffin, Louise sat on the ground next to him, tossing a brightly colored ball around while he retrieved it and brought it back to her. Tina couldn't yell at her about playing fetch with her kids if she wasn't here, right?
"Sure sure," Logan called from behind her. "At least this way we're even."
"What do you mean?" Louise asked, facing him again.
"I've seen you on laundry day."
"So?"
Logan's face scrunching, he waved one hand around and kept hold of Ava with the other. He struggled to form a sentence. "You walk around in those... shorts and... It's... okay."
"Oh my god," Louise said. "Are you trying to say something kind about me?"
"It's- you look... nice." He shut his eyes like he was queasy again. "Ugh, my body physically doesn't want to compliment you."
Louise whistled. "Wow. So are the dramatics always turned up to eleven or am I special?"
"Coming from you? That's hilarious."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
He pitched his voice higher to imitate her. "'Logan, stop leaving your apartment at the same time as me, or I'll literally shove a dead squirrel in your mailbox.'"
She remembered that, even had Nat on standby for dead squirrels.
"That wasn't dramatic, that was honesty." She shrugged. "And it worked. We don't run into each other all the time anymore."
"Sure whatever you say," he placated. "And you know, I bet you couldn't do it either."
"Do what?"
"Compliment me."
"I could so," Louise scoffed.
"Oh yeah? Go ahead."
"You... are... good with children." Logan's eyebrows raised as Louise's face got tighter and tighter. She broke with "probablybecauseyouhavethesamematuritylevel."
"And whoomp there it is."
Louise tossed the ball at Griffin's head, and it bounced right off while he only laughed.
"I'll give it to you," she said over her shoulder. "Feels like I swallowed a brick. No more complimenting each other."
She checked to make sure Logan was in agreement and saw him nod.
"Thank you," Logan said and laid Ava down to where her head was near his knees and moved her legs out like a bicycle. Louise's protégé used the new position to kick him right in the stomach, and pride consumed her. "Oof. And I'm not that good with kids. I know how to play, but that's it. I can only handle them for about an hour."
"Actually... same. And when you tell people that's one of the reasons you're childfree it's always-"
They said in unison "it's different when it's YOUR kids."
"Ugh, it's so annoying," Logan groaned. "Like, maybe they have a point. But just because I'm not a monster, doesn't mean I'm not a dick."
"Dic!"
Both of the adults snapped over to Griffin, who sat innocently staring back up at them.
"Did he just..?"
"Dicdicdic!" Griffin repeated over and over again.
"Nice going." Louise shook her head in exasperation. "If you were gonna insult yourself, you could have at least gone with something harder to say... like prick."
"Pwi?" Griffin said, as though to mock her idiocy.
Tina was going to kill her.
"Well... we've come this far," Logan offered. "Might as well teach him the B word. Maybe the C word if we want to make things interesting."
Louise rubbed her hands down her face, stretching the skin. "We're... not good at this."
"Whaaat? Nooo.." Logan replied sarcastically. He waited a moment. "So... want to set up the pool like a wrestling ring and make the babies fight?"
The pool would make the perfect fight circle.
"Logan, these are children, and more importantly they're my family. That you would even suggEST that-"
"You can get the bigger one."
"Alright deal."
After moving the toys out of the ring, Logan and Louise set their challengers on opposite ends. Logan kept Ava seated, moving her arms around in slow motion while making noises like she was doing karate.
"Ladies and gentleman," Louise announced. "Welcome to Baby Fight Club. The first rule of Baby Fight Club is don't tell your Mommy about Baby Fight Club. Capeesh?"
When Griffin didn't respond, Louise leaned down and blew a raspberry on his cheek.
"I saaaid capeesh?!"
"Apeas!" Griffin squealed.
Logan made a dinging noise, and they both grabbed their respective fighter around the waist and circled each other.
Miming the movements, they swung the babies-mostly carefully-in dodges and pretend blows.
Louise had a distinct advantage with Griffin's ability to stand up on his own but worrying about Ava's tiny form could prove their downfall.
Case in point, Logan blocked one of Griffin's stray hands from actually hitting Ava's face. Logan gently poked at Griffin, so the one-year-old fell back.
Louise smacked Logan's hand.
"Keep your mitts away from Griffin. You give him a bro-five and his hand'll pop off or something."
"I'm not gonna high-five him unless he does something cool." Logan shrugged. "So as long as you're in charge, I guess we don't have to worry about that."
"Oh, clever Logan," Louise said sarcastically. She held out Griffin's hands in chopping movements. "Time for Kung fu fighting, hiya!"
"Your karate chops are no match for my c-c-combooo kick!"
Griffin let out the loudest peal of laughter yet, and Logan halted Ava's flurry of kicks. When Griffin calmed down, he looked up at Logan expectantly. Logan cocked his head, and he repeated himself.
"No match for the c-c-c-"
Again, Griffin cackled in delight. Louise snickered.
"He likes the C sound apparently."
Logan, grinning, raised his eyebrows and pointed his chin at Louise. "You do it."
Louise let go of Griffin to get in the boy's line of sight. He sat there, letting slip a half-laugh every time Louise inhaled. She teased him, pretended like she was about to say it then backed off, and Griffin fell for it every time.
Finally, she took a deep breath and said "C-C-C-C!"
Griffin couldn't handle it anymore and fell down in a heap of loud giggles.
"Ah ha! We win!" Logan held up Ava's arms and wiggled them. "Weee are the chaaaampions!"
Lamenting her loss, Louise went to pat Griffin on the back in solidarity when she noticed something. Both of the kids sported pairs of bleary eyes.
"Wait, hold up, shush shh shh," Louise said and motioned for Logan to set Ava down. He did, and they both froze as she let out a big yawn.
The adults held up their hands and refused to make a sound-not even an aww at the cute yawn-then backed away slowly.
Play fighting tuckered the kids out and neither moved even as Louise and Logan started talking from a safe distance away.
"Do you want a drink?" Louise asked, her own throat dry.
"I... are you allowed to have beer around a baby?" He questioned.
"I was going to get water bottles, but now I'm wondering." Louise paused and leaned against a wall, arms crossed. "Can you have a drink around babies? You obviously can't get drunk."
"Yeah, that's way too far."
"But like... is one drink allowed?" Louise tapped her chin. "Sure, I remember my mom always having wine, but what about before I can remember?"
"I'm going to say you should stay as sober as possible around infants and toddlers, but one drink... is a morally grey area. Which is where you do some of your best work, so..."
"Shut up," Louise said, leaving to grab water.
It wasn't a lie. Calling in fake tips, scamming people through child labor, setting up a basement casino, all things some considered morally reprehensible were her crowning achievements of youth.
After retrieving the refreshments, Louise wandered back to the living room. Louise threw the water bottle at Logan's head, but he, unfortunately, caught it. She joined him on the couch, only partially disturbed by the ease with which they drifted into a conversation.
"Did you see that flyer Annie put up?" Logan asked her as he unscrewed his water. Louise hummed through her drink.
"The one where she's trying to organize a spirit drive or the lost parking pass?"
"Spirit drive," he responded. "What does that even mean?"
"Ugh, you know Annie. She wants us all to be one big found family instead of accepting that her neighbors all hate each other."
"Disgusten," Logan said in a fake Scottish accent. "Do you think she's targeting us? I had like five of those flyers crammed under my door, and I saw more than a couple taped to yours."
Louise shrugged. "It's a possibility, but we hate each other about at the same level as Victor and Winnie so..."
"Hell no," he scoffed. "Victor and Winnie wish they had our level of animosity."
"Mmm, good point," Louise said with a straight face somehow.
All was well, right until Griffin kicked Ava in her butt.
Forcibly woken from her nap, Ava cried again at a decibel that was certainly used to torture people, which woke Griffin in turn. He didn't cry-never really did-but he clasped his hands over his ears, face souring.
Louise and Logan both sprang up, Logan grabbing Ava and Louise trying to distract Griffin with soft toys again. Neither plan seemed to work, and Louise held out her arms in desperation.
"What are we supposed to do?!" She asked through the wailing.
"Okay look uhh," Logan stopped and hedged his words before shaking his head. "Don't judge me, but me and my buddies used to get stoned and watch these baby sensory videos."
"You had to know that even if you say 'don't judge' I was still going to judge."
"Shut your trap, short stack."
Louise turned the TV on and passed the remote to Logan who pulled up a video of smiling, dancing fruit. Pushing the pool in front of the TV, Louise sat back and crossed her fingers.
Someone above loved her because the bright colors and fun music had both of the children transfixed in seconds.
"Warning, Tina does want to minimize screen time, so we take hypnotizing her children to the grave," Louise said, dead serious.
"Agreed. She raged out on me once, and I have no desire to repeat that experience."
"She did? When?" She asked, tilting her head at the new information.
"A little after you had moved in," Logan replied. "I was still taking your packages because you tripped me your first day here."
"That's why you stopped??" Louise laughed. "Oh my god, my big sister came and gave you a talking to."
"Talking to is... a way to describe it." Logan whispered something she couldn't hear to Ava and set her down on the pillow in the pool. "More like held me against a wall and said if I ever did it again she'd put my hands through the garbage disposal. Getting you riled up is fun and all, but... dear god."
Blinking in astonishment, Louise opened and closed her mouth a few times.
"... was she pregnant?" She asked finally.
"That's what made it scarier."
Louise snickered at how he still seemed frightened of her older sister but decided to throw him a bone.
"Tina was a NIGHTMARE when she was carrying them. One time she came over just to demand mashed potatoes. She didn't even eat them. Just kept like... picking them up with a spoon and dropping them back down."
Logan laughed, then coughed to hide his amusement.
"Speaking of, you got any snacks?"
"None for you," Louise said, sticking her tongue out.
Logan's eyebrow quirked. "This is the thanks I get for helping you out?"
"... fine. Chips?"
"Sounds good."
When she reappeared, she found Logan on the ground, similarly hypnotized by the baby video. This time, he missed her throw, and the bag of hot Cheetos slapped the side of his face. He didn't look away from the screen.
"Are you-"
"Shhh. The beat is about to drop at the pineapple's birthday."
Mockery on the tip of her tongue, Louise suddenly stopped, a much better idea striking. She pulled out her phone to snap a picture of him looking like a third baby.
"Oh man," Louise laughed. "I'm taking this straight to the cute girl upstairs you keep flirting with."
"Do it," Logan said, not looking away from the screen. "Chicks dig that kinda stuff."
He had a point, and Louise hated potential backfire.
She searched her memory bank, finally recalling how he tried to get cozy with their landlord, a macho man type.
"... what about Taylor?"
Logan's head snapped over.
"But I'm so close to getting invited to play in his fantasy league, d- you know what," Logan took a deep breath. "No, that's fine. Go ahead. Send it to Taylor."
"You're bluffing," she said with finality.
It was quiet. Then:
"Gimme it!" Logan shot off the ground to grab the phone.
"No!"
They wrestled for the phone, but Louise pulled a winning move and shoved it down her bra.
"Ha!"
"You think I won't go in there?"
"I dunno. Let's see," she challenged.
Logan's body was tense with potential energy, and for a moment Louise actually worried he had the balls to reach into her shirt. Thankfully, he relaxed and gave up the chase.
"Fine, keep it," he relented. "But tell me, you pick out your aunt name yet?"
The swift change in conversation startled her. While she considered getting them to call her Empress Louise the Powerful, she ditched the idea for having too many syllables.
"I... no?"
"Then try this on for size: auntie Lulu."
Louise threw her hand over his mouth while shushing him.
"You wouldn't dare!" She glanced over at the kids to ensure they hadn't heard.
"Wanna bet?" He said, muffled through her hand. He flicked her, and she reluctantly released him. "I'll show up for every visit, I'll go to the restaurant, I'll babysit for free. All to get them to call you Aunt Lulu for the rest of their lives."
Louise considered her options but ultimately knew the possibility of Lulu was something she needed to kill immediately.
"Fine. If you don't ever say that name around them again, I won't take this picture to Taylor."
She would, however, hold onto the photo until the kids were old enough to say Louise.
Slowly, the two retook their seats, both eyeing each other with trepidation. The music on the TV transitioned, and they checked on the babies, who had not moved an inch.
"By the way," Louise said finally. "We're at a truce right now, but it's back to making your life a living h-e-double hockey sticks tomorrow."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
They watched along with the children until a knock at the door interrupted them.
"Shitake mushrooms, that's Tina." Louise pointed at the remote closer to Logan. "Quick, shut it off!"
Logan lunged for the remote and hit buttons at the TV randomly, but it remained on.
"It's not working! Why is your crappy TV not picking up the signal?!"
"It needs an expert's touch." She smacked his arm. "Give it!"
"No, I'm gonna get it."
"We don't have time for a competition," Louise said, yanking the remote away from him.
"I almost had it!" Logan reached to take the remote back, but Louise dodged. He tried in vain to reclaim it while they spoke over each other in increasing volumes.
"Stop it!" "No, you stop it." "YOU stop it!" "You-OW!"
"Um, the door's unlocked, so I'm just going to come in," Tina's voice called.
They both froze as Tina entered the room. She also stilled, spotting shirtless Logan tangled around Louise, who was biting his arm.
Tina's mouth fell open in shock.
Louise took advantage of the confusion and hit the off button for the TV. Tina didn't notice, still staring at the two of them. Louise released Logan's arm from her teeth.
"This is-and I can't stress this enough-NOT what it looks like."
Louise elbowed Logan, and he shook himself back, stepping away.
"Right, uh... she puked on my shirt," he said as he pointed at Ava.
Tina blinked, then looked down at her kids, both of whom were happy and smiling at their mom. She must have determined that was all that mattered
"Logan, I'm sorry she threw up. I'll wash the shirt."
"Thanks, it's in the bathtub," Logan said while Louise shot him a questioning look.
"And Louise, I'm really sorry for everything, but to make up for it we got you some tiramisu." Tina glanced at Logan. "But we only... got one, so..."
"Oh, it's okay because," Logan started then grabbed the to-go bag and darted out the door. He called behind him. "See ya!"
"Logaaan!"
His door slammed shut. Louise sighed but otherwise didn't move, which confused Tina. Her older sister looked back and forth between the two.
"Aren't you going to chase after him?"
Louise shook her head.
"No. Don't tell him I said this, but... he was a lot of help today. He, unfortunately, earned it," Louise said as she crossed her arms at Tina. "YOU, on the other hand, are still very much on the hook for this bullshit."
"Buwshi!"
Tina groaned.