Hey again y'all, this isn't as much of a deep and emotional post as the previous ones. I've been hitting those rough stories quite a bit for the last couple of weeks and I didn't realize the amount of energy it was taking out of me. So this is a bit lighter, and it's exactly what the title says. There's a couple names that I'm not going to share, but I will share the explanation of each, enjoy.
I was raised in one of those families that believed in you got a tattoo in a visible spot on your body, you wouldn't be able to get certain jobs because of how "unprofessional" you'd look. A pretty common view in the 2000's, but when I was 18, I was a pretty dumb kid. I thought I was in love, and in all truth, I probably was. That was the first girl l had ever dated, my longest relationship to date, actually. I feel the judgement coming already haha, we were together for 9 months straight, broke up for a couple of weeks, then got back together for 2 months. I call it 11 months, even if it was a technicality. I knew I wanted a tattoo, but I didn't know what to get.. I bet you can guess where I'm going with this..
I had carved our initials in a tree, not with a knife, with a chisel. This carving was big, and it was right in the middle of a fork in a road. I don't know that I want to talk much about the relationship here, it could honestly be an entire post in itself. But this girl had some medical issues throughout our time in high school. She was in and out of the hospital a lot, and it was me showing her that I'd always be there for her. And I was, but after I graduated, we drifted. I wanted to go be an 'adult' and go to clubs, and go out partying, and experience all of the things I had to wait for. She was still in school though, it wasn't hard to see that resentment coming through. It was a tough break up, so tough that we got back together just to do it all over again. Haha, but really.. that sucked, and she dated a close friend of mine afterward, another reason I felt I needed to get out of my hometown.
You've seen the ghillie suit on my ribs, but before that, there was a heart carved into tree bark there. I was one of the dumb ones that got a tattoo for a girl at 18. I don't regret it, but I don't think I'd do it again. That girl does still mean something to me, our families are still friends and she's been through a lot, but we'd be there for each other if one of us needed it, I believe that.
Tattoo number 2, and I'm just going to go in chronological order, it on my left arm, the cross. This and the next one were meant to be reminders. I thought I was religious then, but those weren't the views I had established for myself, they were the ones I had carried from growing up. The cross has a sash wrapped around it with the words, "In God We Trust & Believe," they're words out of a Brantley Gilbert song, not verbatim, my tattoo artist said the grammar was incorrect if we used the actual quote, so we altered it a little bit. This is probably my least meaningful tattoo now, but we'll come back to summarize things at the end.
Tattoo number 3 is underneath the cowboy hat and skull on my chest. Yes, two of my early tattoos were covered, not mistakes, I've just changed over time. Right before I went to basic training, I got the word "FEARLESS" tattooed on my chest. Basic tattoo, yes I know. It was a reminder, not a statement. A reminder to me that I didn't need to be scared of what was ahead of my because of what was already behind me. And I tried to changed everything about myself when I graduated high school, I didn't want to be that kid. I wanted to be a confident, badass soldier, the persona I thought people would want me to be.
Tattoo number 4, and all the rest, are the ones you see. This one was not the smartest timing, but I've never felt more at home with a unit in the military. I graduated airborne school after basic training, it sounds cool, but I promise that only the last week was fun.. the time we actually got to jump out of the planes. It's not like skydiving, instead you jump out the side of the plane while it's passing over a drop zone. If you don't get enough clearance, you hit your head on the way out, if you don't tuck your chin to your chest, the metal pieces on your risers will hit you on the way out, if your static line doesn't come out, you're going for a ride on the side of the plane until the jumpmaster cuts your cord. And then there's always the chance of your chute not opening at all, but at least we had reserves. We don't even do combat jumps anymore, they're unrealistic, but I wanted the school badge on my uniform. And after I got my orders to Italy, I was that Private that had their unit insignia tattooed on their back.. without even making it to the unit yet. Fortunately, I did eventually make it to that unit, otherwise, that would've been pretty embarrassing.
Tattoo 5 was when I came back from Afghanistan and Ky had been killed. This tattoo is also numbers: 1, 5, and 6. It was the cover for my tattoo for my ex, they used the heart to build inside of the ghillie suit and things blended together alright. This is probably one of the few tattoos my mom loves, the mixture of the two and the meaning of both is a good combination. There was a tattoo artist in Italy that made the ghillie suit, and then I got the words added a few months later when I got home. A ghillie suit, by the way, is a suit made up of yarn, grass, leaves, mud, anything from the environment to make you blend in. It's a universal sign of a sniper, even most video games make use of it. I figured it would be fitting for the memory of Ky. I never intended to get a tattoo with color on my body, I don't know why, but for something like this, I was willing to break it. That's the only color tattoo I have, everything else is on the greyscale somewhere.
Number 6, and the words next to the ghillie suit memorial reads: "Greater love hath no man, than to lay down his life for his brother. John 15:13" At this point, I knew I wasn't religious, but there is no better quote to sum up something like this. If I found a relevant quote in a video game, on a billboard, or some place else.. I would've tattooed it instead, but it didn't matter if it came from a religious script or anywhere else, that quote was perfect for what I wanted to convey.
My 7th tattoo, and when I started being involved in my tattoo designs - I never drew any of my own, my tattoo artist is amazing, but I came up with the ideas and would tell him stories so he could understand the feeling I wanted to convey.. He built the entire battle scene on my upper arm. There's three soldiers, one is providing covering fire, one is crumpled on the ground, and the last is taking a knee next to him, calling for a medic. It's the scene I wanted him to make, but at this point, I was still seeking answers for deeper meaning.. I refused to believe that we just rot in a hole in the ground when we die, if not for my sake, then at least for Ky's.
Behind the soldiers there are building that have been destroyed, smoke billowing up towards my shoulder.. where a figure, in a cloak with wings on his back, is reaching for the fallen soldier. You can translate it however you want, but I hope something like this is true for Ky. I wouldn't want anyone to just close their eyes and have darkness forever, I believe that there is something after death. Another post though.
The most recent tattoo I got, and the one I get asked about the most (at least on the internet) is the skeleton cowboy with his smoking eyes on my chest. My idea, not my art though, this artist is insanely detailed on this one and my half sleeve. The meaning behind it though, was another Brantley Gilbert song. I found this country artist at a pretty important time in my life, his songs, especially the earlier stuff before he became popular, was so full of emotion. When he sang about sadness, you could feel it, when he would sing about things you could relate to.. I just felt comfortable when I was listening to his music. I still do, and after a breakup, he has one song that just gives me the feels. If you're interested, it's called, "You Promised," I always thought I could feel his pain behind the song, maybe if you give it a listen, you'll feel what I'm talking about.
But the quote "Read Me My Rights" is a song of his, it's about standing up for what you think is right, regardless of whether it's against the law. As in, 'read me my rights and take me to jail, but I won't apologize or regret what I've done.' This is accurate to who I am, and even though this replaced my "FEARLESS" tattoo, it still holds a fairly similar meaning.
When I started getting tattoos, my goal was to only stay on one side of my body, the left side would be the "untouched side," and the right side may not be covered, but that's where I'd keep everything. I got the cross on my left arm and decided to keep everything on that side within religious belief, but as you can tell.. at some point, that stopped haha. My right side has become a map though.. my timeline in the military, or at least the impactful points. It breaks down like this: the unit I was in, the firefight where it happened, the resulting memorial, and the view that held true throughout.
I decided I wouldn't get anything else on my body unless it held true meaning to me. At this point, the most important thing to me is my dog, so maybe she will appear on my canvas next. It's not as exciting as my other journals, but for those following along, I'll give you some updates. I've been pretty stressed the last few days, in addition to posts I've written, I had to have some pretty difficult conversations with family, but I'm transparent with people that are close to me. Either way, it definitely had been weighing on me. I fell when I was climbing yesterday, and though it wasn't a bad fall, I jacked up my ankle pretty good and walking isn't easy anymore. That being said, I'm pretty sure it's a bad sprain, maybe a torn ligament or a small fracture or something, but nothing my ankles haven't seen before from rucking.
Bare with me while I gather my thoughts again, that climbing incident reminded me of all the other stupid shit I've done without thinking. I've had somewhere around 6 concussions, I believe, and three of them came from bull riding. Now, I'm no bull rider, but I wouldn't turn away from a challenge like that either.
Next time, I'll write about my very-short-lived bull riding career. I only rode a couple of times, but let me tell you, there is nothing like the feeling of a living, breathing, angry, 1500lb creature between your legs that wants nothing more than for you to get the fuck off of them..
..but I had to know what it was like, stupidity and curiosity go together.
'Til next time,
Cowboy