"Sarah?"
"Hm?"
"Tulog ka na."
"Ayoko pa."
"How come?"
"I don't want this night to end, Matt," Sarah whispered as she tightened her hug on his arm.
"I'd freeze time for you if I could, Sarah," Matteo said softly while slowly rubbing her arm.
They were seated on an outdoor couch on their hotel balcony and it was already four in the morning, but Sarah had no intentions of going to sleep. She wanted to stretch the night for as long as possible because she didn't want it to end; she didn't want her time with Matteo to end.
He took the top of the comforter and brought it up to cover her body all the way to her chin to keep her warm even with the morning mist from the ocean. They started on opposite ends of the couch but as hours went by, they inched closer and closer to each other. Sarah was currently leaning on his shoulder, her arms circling his right arm while he put his left hand on top of hers under the comforter. For the two of them, they could stay like that for days on end, just enjoying each other's company and warmth.
"Do you, at least, want to go inside? You might get sick," Matteo asked quietly, his head leaning on hers.
Sarah shook her head and they stayed out on the balcony with just each other and the sound of the waves from the ocean. Neither of them said a word but it was a comfortable silence until Matteo noted tear stains on the comforter just below her chin.
Slowly lifting his head up to look at her, he saw tears running down her cheeks.
"Hey," Matteo softly called her attention and pulled his right arm out of hers to wrap it around her shoulders, his left hand reaching for her face to wipe the tears. "Why are you crying?"
Sarah looked up at him and smiled as tears kept falling from her eyes. "Halo halong dahilan. I've been thinking a lot about the past two weeks we spent together. Ang dami nating nagawa, ang dami nating nakita. Hindi ko in-expect ma-eexperience ko lahat ng toh at a time like this. Words aren't enough to describe how grateful and happy I am to have all our memories to keep, Matt. Yung happiness ko sobra sobra, abot langit."
"Tears of joy?" Matteo asked while carefully wiping her tears dry.
"Mhm," Sarah replied as she looked out into the darkness, taking a deep breath as she snuggled closer to him.
"What else, Sarah?" Matteo asked, knowing that there was something else bothering her. Call it crazy, but the past two weeks with her felt like years to him that he now knew her well enough to notice when something was bothering her.
"Contentment, Matt. Yung feeling na, sobrang kontento ako kasi tulad ng sabi ko, I didn't think that I'd be able to experience all of this sa panahon na napaka-sensitive, napaka-importante. But here I am with you, punong puno ng happy memories yung puso ko. Pero Matt," Sarah said softly as she looked up at him, her eyes now filled with sadness. "Sa sobrang memorable ng trip natin, it left me wanting more."
Matteo understood her, and her last few words made his tears fall from his eyes.
"It left me wanting for more and I don't want it to end here. I want more, Matt, more of this, more of us. Natatakot akong umuwi and start the process, start the fight na hindi buo ang loob ko because I'm yearning for this; yung tayo na nag-eenjoy, yung tayo creating memories together."
"Sarah," Matteo held her chin in his hand and looked in her eyes. "This doesn't end here. It doesn't have to end here."
Sarah reached for his face and wiped the tears that ran down his cheeks. "Matt, I'll forever be grateful for everything I experienced because of you. Lahat ng yun, lahat ng toh, I'll treasure them for eternity. Ganun ka-special. Ganun ka ka-special."
"Sarah, if you will let me, we can experience so much more together and create more memories. Marami pa, maraming marami pa," he answered with a smile but his face was still wet from tears.
She closed her eyes and snuggled her face between his arm and his body. Matteo wrapped his arms around her tightly and both turned quiet again. He swallowed lump after lump in his throat as he watched the comforter get soaked with her tears.
"Natatakot ako, Matt," Sarah said so quietly that he barely heard it. "Takot na takot ako."
Matteo felt like someone just stabbed him in his chest as Sarah repeated the words to him. It was so painful to hear it from her because he knew exactly what she was afraid of. Something that he, himself, was also afraid of.
He closed his eyes, wrapped his arms around her tighter and gave her a soft kiss on her temple as his tears fell. With every bit of energy he had left to keep his voice steady, he spoke to her softly. "I'm here, Sarah. You won't have to go through anything by yourself. I'm here and I promise to bring you back here, away from everything."
Matteo's words felt so comforting, yet painful to hear. Sarah knew how sincere he was. She knew how much he wanted to stay true to his words. She knew he would fulfill his promise. She also knew something he didn't know because she hasn't told him. Not yet, anyway. She decided to wait until the very last minute of their trip.
Out of the blue, Sarah heard his singing voice for the first time. With only the subtle sound of swaying palm leaves, the sound of waves crashing into the lagoon, and the sound of each other's breathing, the sound of Matteo's soothing voice complimented the relaxing vibe of dawn.
Lift your head, baby don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way.
You'll get by with a smile
You can't win at everything but you can try.
Sarah closed her eyes and quietly cried as she listened to every word he sang to her. Matteo continued to sing through the song and right at the chorus, he held her jaw, rubbing it with his thumb, and made her look at him. With his eyes meeting hers, he sang the chorus in the most sincere and genuine way possible.
Girl I'll stay, through the bad times
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
We'll get by, with a smile
You can never be too happy in this life.
Sarah cried quietly until the song was finished, until Matteo kissed her forehead so tenderly, and until the sun was up. She cried quietly, but each tear came with a loud plea to the Lord. Each tear represented gratitude, hopes, dreams and prayers.
They stayed out on the balcony until sunrise with Sarah comfortably snuggled against Matteo's body.
Their last breakfast in Hawaii was spent on the balcony with a feast and they ended their vacation with a stroll on the beach just before packing.
Throughout their six-hour flight back to Vancouver, Matteo's fingers were laced with Sarah's. The armrest between them was tucked away so she could lean her head on his shoulder to rest. She slept throughout the whole flight while he was wide awake, thoughts running through his mind.
Another night spent with each other in Vancouver was just as memorable as they stargazed on the roof deck of the hotel before going to sleep.
"Matt?" Sarah called his name before closing her hotel room door. She paused and bit her lip, a mannerism Matteo found out to be a sign of her contemplating on something. "Pwede bang dun na lang tayo pareho sa suite mo tonight?"
Matteo gave her a sweet smile and held his hand out to her. "Of course, Sarah." He helped her bring all her belongings to his suite where they spent the night before starting on another long drive. This time, a long drive home.
They were now where Sarah had left her car before driving to Vancouver, now only four hours away from home. They have not talked about how they will drive both cars home because they've been focusing on just living in the moment and enjoying the present, but Matteo knew they needed to arrange something.
"Sarah, should we just have your car towed back to your house or gusto mo mag rent ng hitch so I can haul it while you ride with me?"
Matteo looked at Sarah whose face was glistening from the reflection of light off the water from the swimming pool. "Sarah?" He reached for her hand when she didn't say a word.
Swallowing the lump in her throat and mustering all the courage she had to keep her voice steady, she turned to him, knowing it was her chance to tell him.
"Matt," Sarah began while she slowly shook her head. "Hindi na natin kailangan gawin yun. There's no need for us to tow my car or haul it dahil bukas, I'm gonna drive myself home."
"Ha? Why don't you just ride in my car para hindi ka na mapagod mag-drive? It's okay, I'll just have the hitch removed when we get to your house."
"Hindi mo ako naiintindihan, Matt," Sarah replied as she looked away.
Confused, Matteo reached for her face to make her look at him. "Sarah, what are you talking about?"
There was silence between them before Sarah explained herself. With all the courage she had, she turned to him and finally spoke. "Because we're not going to keep in touch after tonight," she finally said quietly.
"What? What the hell are you saying, Sarah? What do you mean?" To say that he was surprised to hear those words was an understatement. Not once did Matteo ever consider that Sarah wasn't going to keep an open communication with him when their trip came to an end. Not once did he ever consider that his world would come crashing down again.
"Yun na mismo yun, Matt. It means exactly that," she replied calmly while looking at the pool to avoid his stare.
"You're not serious, are you?"
"Mukha ba akong nagbibiro?" Sarah looked at him briefly for a second before avoiding his gaze again.
"Sarah, where is this coming from? Whatever happened to being happy about all the memories we made together, to wanting more, to having a special connection? Sarah, you can't do this to me," Matteo said, his voice reflecting his disbelief and fear of possibly losing what limited time they had left. "Come on, please don't do this to me."
"And why not, Matt?"
Sarah refused to look at him but Matteo was persistent. He stepped in front of her and looked her in the eyes.
"Because I love you, Sarah. I know it seems like it's way too fast, but that's how I feel. I love you. I just do and call me crazy but I know it's not one-sided."
Sarah swallowed the big lump in her throat as she turned her head to the side to avoid his stare. She shut her eyes to stop herself from caving in and to gather strength before she opened them to look at him.
"I'm sorry, Matt," Sarah softly said as she turned around to walk away.
Matteo got a hold of her arm and held it gently to stop her from leaving. "Sarah, come on. Please, don't do this. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to us."
"Matt, please don't make it any harder than it already is. Ang hirap hirap na nga eh," Sarah replied firmly, her voice expressing what she won't say in words; that she was also hurting because she, too, has fallen for him.
"Nahihirapan ka? Nahihirapan ka, Sarah? If this is hard for you, then let's drop this conversation. Just let me drive you home, take you home, be with you and spend more time with you," Matteo pleaded as he stood in front of her again, though she kept looking away.
"Matt, please, give it up. Tama na." Sarah was adamant on standing by her decision but her tone of voice was revealing the pain it was causing her.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked while tears filled his eyes, his voice softening as he began feeling defeated by the situation. "Sabi mo nahihirapan ka, so why are you doing this? Why are you choosing to hurt yourself this way?"
Sarah looked at him and it broke her heart to see him in tears and in pain, and it broke her heart even more that she was the reason for it; hence her decision to shut him out to protect him from hurting more.
"Because I'm gonna end up hurting you, Matt, alam mo yun at ayokong mangyari yun. So, please, don't make this any harder than it already is. Please lang, Matt," she begged him as tears finally fell from her eyes.
"Sarah, what about now? Kung hindi pa obvious, I'm hurting a lot right now. I can take whatever pain it is that you're talking about, I can handle that. But this, this I can't take, Sarah. Don't do this, please," Matteo also begged as he held her hand tightly, tears streaming down his face.
Taking a deep breath, she brought her hand up to his face and wiped his tears before wiping her own.
"I meant everything I said on that balcony, Matt. The past two weeks have been the happiest I've ever been because of you and they were the greatest two weeks of my life. Ang dami dami nating nagawa, ang saya saya natin. I want to keep the memory of you and of us that way. Ayaw mo ba nun?"
"Of course I do, but those amazing memories don't have to end here. We can create more, diba I promised you? Just don't shut me out of your life after tonight, Sarah."
Sarah smiled painfully as tears filled her eyes and flowed down her cheeks like a river. "We both know that's not going to be the case, Matt," she said softly as a reminder.
Matteo's breathing increased as his frustration and the pain was getting more intense; the pain of their situation and the pain of her choice.
"Why, Sarah? Because you're sick? Because you have brain cancer? Because they said you only have a fifty percent chance of having a five-year survival rate? Is it because of that, Sarah? Is it because of that that's why you're shutting me out?"
Saying those two words himself was more painful than he ever anticipated. Brain cancer. The two words that have been echoing in his mind since the day at the winery. Those two words have been haunting him for a week, and he was now feeling its greater impact as Sarah chose to shut him out.
"Oo!" Sarah answered, the rate of her breathing increasing as she cried. "And God knows how happy you make me and how much I want to just be with you. Pero hindi pwede eh, kasi may naghihintay na treatment plan sakin paguwi ko and I don't want to put you through that process, Matt. So, please, i-treasure na lang natin yung mga positive memories natin together and leave it like that. Wag na natin dagdagan ng hirap at sakit."
Matteo locked his eyes with hers while he shook his head and reached for her hand, refusing to let her go. "Sarah, I can handle the process."
Sarah took a deep breath and also shook her head, standing by her decision. She stared into his eyes while tears continuously ran down her cheeks and spoke calmly but firmly. "Matt, ako hindi. Kaya ko yung treatment pero hindi ko kayang isipin that you're going to be stuck in that process with me when you should be out there living your life. You didn't survive the aneurysm for you to be held back by someone like me. I want you to go home and live your best life, Matt. And be careful, pangalawang buhay mo na yan."
"Ang daya mo, Sarah," Matteo said as she turned her back on him. "Ang daya daya mo."
Sarah could hear how much he was hurting through his words and his cries, and as much as she was hurting too, she was fighting the urge to turn and run into his arms. Without turning back, she continued to walk away from him until he spoke again.
"You're selfish, Sarah," she heard him say with such firmness.
Sarah turned around and he saw how wet her face was from her tears. He could see the pain, the frustration and the disbelief she felt from his words through her eyes. "Selfish? Ako pa ang selfish for wanting to spare you from going through that with me? Yun ba ang selfish, Matt? Kayo na nga iniisip ko eh. Ikaw ang iniisip ko!"
"That's bullshit, Sarah! If you were thinking of me, you would know how much I want to be with you, you wouldn't shut me out of your life. Five years, Sarah, five years na nga lang, you still want to take that away from me?"
Matteo's words cut through her heart so deeply and she saw how his shoulders fell from being so tensed to being defeated.
"I know it's not going to be an easy process, and I know how hard and painful it will be to see you fight cancer not only for you but also for the people around you including me, but I would rather be by your side through those times kesa hindi. You know why, Sarah? Because magkasama man tayo oh hindi, I'll always be thinking about you, worrying about you. Call me crazy if you want, but in those two weeks we spent together, I know that I've already fallen in love with you. So, please, let me be with you kahit gano pa kahirap."
It was late at night already and they were the only two left at the poolside. That very same town used to be a part of happy memories of how they met and began their adventures together, but with how the situation was going, it seemed like it was going to be part of a bittersweet memory.
The moon was big and bright and its reflection hit the water, creating light that shone on Matteo's face. Sarah looked at him and through her tears, she saw his head bowed down as his shoulders moved up and down.
With all her might, Sarah turned her back on him once more and walked away. Taking another risk, he ran after her and wrapped his arms around her body. As he did, Sarah melted in his arms.
The sensation of having his skin against her skin, of feeling his breaths on her neck, and the sound of his cries made her melt and give in to what she has been trying to push aside; that she wanted to be with him, that she loved him, too.
Sarah broke down as she finally acknowledged what her heart had been telling her: that she was afraid of tomorrow; that she was afraid of being disappointed; that she was afraid of losing time; that she was even more afraid of dying now because she finally found the person she wants to live for.
He, who has also broken down with her as he held her tightly in his arms.