Shubman is dreaming again. The dream was about Ishan and him on the beach, sitting by waves as they held hands, as he held Ishan's hand.
It felt so real and so warm.
No words were passed between them. It was simply them together and happy, away from the prying eyes of the world.
Then to his disappointment, the dream suddenly shifts into something else and the orange shade of the sky turns into something more gray and dark.
He and Ishan are on a cliff with Ishan standing dangerously close to the edge. He feels a painful knot twist in his guts.
He opens his mouth to warn Ishan to move back immediately and come back to him, but nothing comes out of his throat.
Ishan's eyes just stare into his blankly, something cold and terrifying in them.
"Shubman." He starts in a flat tone. "Why did you kiss me back there?" He asks him pointedly, and Shubman tries to reply but only a strangled noise comes out of his mouth.
"Do you have any idea how disgusting it felt? I was just kidding." He continues. "Did you think I would be with you out of everyone simply because I cracked that stupid joke? You love Sara. And I don't love you. You forced me."
Every single word that comes out of Ishan's mouth pierces right through his heart like a knife. But he knows it's all true.
Maybe the real Ishan wouldn't say it out loud, ever. But Shubman knew that's what he probably felt.
He feels like crying and just running away from everything, but his legs don't move. He remains frozen in place.
"You make me want to kill myself. You think I didn't notice how you ignored me all those days? You don't think I could see right through your disgusting lies?" Ishan spits.
No, this was a dream.
He had to wake up.
"Ishan, I wasn't–" His voice cracks and a sob escapes his lips.
"You don't love me, Shubman. I'd rather choose death over you." Ishan falls right off the cliff, as if accepting death.
Before Shubman can scream no- Ishan is falling into the water below him. And this time, Shubman runs, he runs to the edge and jumps off, trying to do anything to get to Ishan.
To save him.
Everything is then blue and cold. He looks down to see Ishan sinking deeper and deeper into the void darkness, his eyes holding no emotion other than hurt and disgust.
Shubman feels like he could puke. Wake up, wake up, wake up damnit! He tells himself. He had to get away. He couldn't do this.
He opens his eyes with a gasp and immediately looks over to the other bed trying to find Ishan.
He almost panics when he finds the bed empty but realizes there's another body's warmth beside him and his shirt is wet, again. But there was no pain accompanied with it this time.
Which meant Ishan was either drooling over him or crying and judging by the way he could feel the other trembling slightly, it most definitely meant he was crying.
Panicked, he looks over to Ishan who had managed to climb into this bed sensing his absence somewhere in the night. Shubman was thankful for it.
He looked down to where Ishan was crying softly into his chest. He runs his fingers through Ishan's hair, so that was possibly what triggered the nightmare, and why he felt so cold.
Sensing his touch, Ishan, who was now surprisingly awake, looked up at him through his wet lashes. Meeting his eyes, Ishan sobbed.
There was something inside his eyes that was so utterly hurt and longing.
Shubman wished he could kiss away whatever was causing all that pain in him.
"Ishan, what's wrong?" He asks slowly, his voice laced with concern. Ishan simply exclaims, "You jerk!" poking a finger into his chest pointedly before looking down and sobbing softly again.
Shubman brings the hand in Ishan's hair to his face and gently holds Ishan while pushing his face up to meet his eyes.
"Ishu, look at me. What happened? Is it a bad dream?"
Ishan simply ignores him, and continues blabbering a few more incoherent curses at him and asks, "Why did you kiss me?"
Everything turns cold inside Shubman again. Was this another dream? No, it wasn't.
It was worse.
It was reality.
Would Ishan continue to say those same words to him that he did in the dream?
It wouldn't be surprising because Ishan doesn't have a filter on his mouth when he's drunk and maybe all his real feelings of disgust about Shubman would just spill out. He wasn't ready for that.
"Why did you do it?" He asks again and Shubman has nothing but absolute dread and fear inside him. He couldn't speak.
"You left," Ishan whispers, his voice sounding pained. "Just– left without a word."
That pulled Shubman out of his self-loathing thoughts. "What? When?" He asks Ishan because he's sure he had stayed with the older man the entire night.
He even helped Ishan wash his mouth after he puked all over the washbowls in the washroom before leaving and apologized to the staff on behalf of Ishan.
They had given him forced smiles which indirectly said "Teri maa ki-" but quickly changed into "Thank you so much bro lysm!" After the heavy tip he had given them as another apology.
In the end, he had babysat ishan the entire time after almost sucking his soul out through his mouth like one of those creatures in Harry Potter.
It was no different, really. Just that he was more handsome compared to them. So, he was confused.
Ishan just gives him a cute annoyed look with his best look of angry eyes which he is also terribly failing at because it makes Shubman feels nothing but more sappy on the inside and wants to do nothing but kiss him again.
"T-That day," Ishan's voice slurs. "When we had plans, but you cancelled them in the last minute saying you were feeling sick. I heard it, Shub. I heard her— whoever girl you were playing around with in the background. I heard the way she said your name. And it-" He chokes on his words, and continues.
"It hurt me. It hurt me a lot. Have I become so bad for you that you have to lie to me about being sick to escape our plans? What do you think- It doesn't hurt me? It hurts me, Shubi. It hurts me, a lot. It- fucking hurts." Ishan gulps, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.
Every word breaks Shubman's heart into million little pieces, as if his heart just wanted to disintegrate cell by cell.
Guilt spreads through his entire body, swallowing him. "Ishan, listen to me. I'm so sorry-" "No- no, it's okay." Ishan says, his voice small. He shakes his head, smiling bitterly.
"It's not your fault, Shubi. Don't apologize. Nah, it's alright- " He blows a raspberry and hics.
Listen, Shubman knows this is supposed to be an emotional moment. Ishan just had an episode and Shubman was feeling guilty about ditching him for some faceless girl whom he doesn't even remember properly and all, but that thing he had just done- the "brrpfff" with the little pout was- it was doing wonders to Shubman's heart.
He found himself closely observing every single gesture of Ishan that night and the slightest movement in Ishan's body made his heart beat faster.
Moments pass and Shubman continues to stare at the other man, not sure for how long before Ishan jabs a pointed finger onto his chest again, whining.
"It has always been Sara hasn't it? You love her. She's very- veryy pretty." He hums sadly.
"She's so nice, I can't even hate her. The world loves you. You love Sara. I love you, but Sara doesn't love you." He then bursts into a fit of giggles as if it's the funniest thing he's ever heard, but Shubman's brain still malfunctions over Ishan's previous sentence.
'I love you.'
Ishan loves him?
He doesn't even have time to think about anything before Ishan pulls him down to look into his eyes. It takes the entirety of Shubman's self-control to not stare at Ishan's lips.
God seriously wasn't on his side that night because how could someone not look at that adorable pout?
When Shubman's eyes try to wander back down to Ishan's lips, he meets with a small slap on his face and an angry, but still cute expression on Ishan's face.
"Look at me." He says, eyebrows furrowed angrily.
"Why- just why did you ever kiss me? I'm not pretty like Sara or the other girls you hook up with. Why did you agree to that dare? It was stupid of me to ask. It gives me hope. Hope that maybe someday we can be-" He pauses, as if afraid to say the next word.
Together.
Shubman's heart ached. Had he driven Ishan so far away that he couldn't use the word together for them. Why was he so stupid? Why was he such a coward in front his own feelings?
They could've had it all, if only he had manned up.
Shubman took in how truly hurt Ishan looked despite being drunk, lips in a thin line, hair messy and his eyes so glassy. Wet. Full of tears that streaked down his cheeks.
Ishan found himself sobbing, unrestrained gasping that bubbled up from somewhere deep and hurt inside of him.
He shoved his face against Shubman's shoulder, and he could feel a hand moving carefully against his lower back in an attempt to soothe him.
Ishan wipes his tears with the back of hand and looks down. He takes a deep breath in, then exhales slowly. And he does something that Shubman doesn't expect in the slightest.
"I'm sorry." He apologizes.
"I'm so sorry, Shubi. I fucking hate you. I hate you so much. I hate that I love you so much. Fuck— I love you and-" And Shubman doesn't really care about what happens next.
All he wants to do is tell Ishan that he loves him. But he doesn't.
He would only do that when they're both sober.
So, instead he brings his hand up to pull Ishan away from shoulder, he cups his face, wipes his remaining tears away and when he feels Ishan's gaze back on him, he takes Ishan's hand into his own and brings it to his chest.
Even if he can't say it in words, he wants Ishan to know and feel his heart beneath his palm.
Ishan looks at him. He really looks at him - eyes clear and sharp, a bit puffy but his expression is confused yet soft.
He makes a beautiful picture, almost like a statue in the dim light of the bedside lamp. Shubman wants to kiss him. And he hopes that Ishan wants to kiss him too.
Their lips don't meet immediately. Ishan is the one who leans in first, tilting his head up ever-so-slightly and stops right where his breath hovers over Shubman's, their lips brushing, parting slightly as his fingers curl on Shubman's shoulders.
He seems to lose confidence after a moment, pulling back just as their lips are about to seal together.
Shubman senses the contemplation in his movements, so he moves forward and leans in slightly, closing the gap between their mouths.
They don't start moving their lips until a few seconds, but the second Ishan starts doing that, Shubman feels his chest fill up with warmth again.
It's gentle and curious - not rough, but simply chaste and gentle.
Ishan shivers at the almost teasing brushes of their lips. Shubman doesn't mean to tease really, he also doesn't have the will or confidence to deepen it– at first.
Ishan's mouth is so warm against his and one of his hands lazily drifts up to Shubman's shoulders, palm resting against his neck and the fingers traveling further up to tangle in his hair.
Shubman reaches out and tries to grab Ishan's collar to pull him closer, but there's no shirt or collar to grab, so he just lets his hand rest against the tanned and warm skin of the other man's chest. It's almost like sparks of light fly under his fingertips at the contact.
Shubman opens his mouth and traces the bow of Ishan's lips with his tongue, soft motions making Ishan's cheeks turn warm under his touch.
This kiss was different from the one at the bar. This was not a joke. This was all real.
Completely real.
He loved Ishan.
And Ishan loved him back.
He tilts his head so that he can really kiss Ishan- a little wetter, but still soft and so full of just love. Ishan sighs against his lips with a small noise that can only be described as contentment, and Shubman's smiles for all he's worth when he hears it.
He's also surprised when Ishan mimics the expression, lips pinker than usual and just a bit slick.
He looks happy, like a kid who'd been given candy, and Shubman feels happy too.
Shubman liked kissing.
He always has, even before Ishan, even before Sara, it's something he has always loved.
Kissing some random girl or- on extremely rare occasions, a boy, in the corner of a party or in a public bathroom, breathing heavily and hungrily moving his mouth against theirs.
He enjoyed it, he saw kissing as a way to escape from everything. His eyes closed, and his mind solely fixed on kissing them until they are left breathless.
But Ishan- kissing him was different. He loves kissing Ishan, he doesn't know anything else he'd rather be doing than kissing the handsome messy haired man.
He doesn't feel eager to rush the kiss. Or, maybe, it's just because Ishan is the one who Shubman is kissing.
They break away from the kiss, foreheads resting against each other's. He looks at Ishan again, who seemed to have slipped into sleep again. He looked peaceful again.
The hurt on his face is long gone, and no longer visible in his face. He promised himself that he would talk to Ishan tomorrow, maybe a grand confession in the airport or a short talk in the morning which would end up with them making out in the shower–
Okay, that's enough.
He inhales softly, moving closer to Ishan.
He presses a soft peck to Ishan's lips again, then his nose, then his forehead and finally the top of his head. He pulls him closer again and tightly hugs him.
Maybe, getting drunk once in a while wasn't so bad.