iv.
He was not in a deep sleep yet, he was still floating in the gray area between staying conscious and unconscious, with his eyes simply closed and he was thankful for that.
It meant that there were no more reminders of his ex with her being a playback singer for some Barbie parody that Ishan and him were starring in, no cute shark beanie-wearing NPC Ishan to mess up his feelings or turn into a shark and eat his tits.
He was also sleeping many inches away from Ishan now. To avoid certain accidents of course.
'Abhi na jao chhod kar ke dil abhi bhara nahi'
'Abhi abhi to aayi ho, abhi abhi to'
'Abhi abhi to aayi ho,
bahar banke chhayi ho'
With every passing second of the song, he thinks of Ishan. He thinks of the time they met for the first time, the time they became friends, the time Ishan got into the Indian Cricket Team, their first match and with every lyric of the song, each memory replayed in his head.
With each reminder of their past to present, he realised how the lyrics were literally his feelings for Ishan. He didn't want Ishan to leave him, ever. He didn't care about anyone else.
He didn't care that he thought the same about Sara a few years ago, but now he was able to get over her and they were truly over. Thoughts of her still swirled across his mind at times because he had loved her. He still did. But he wasn't sure that the reason he missed her wasnt because he lost his lover but rather a close friend. A friend who understood him. Someone almost equally important to him Ishan.
But things had ended with her, because she understood that Shubman could never give her what she wanted and that his will to be her forever, which she sensed that he didn't have.
He didn't understand her at first. He hated her for ending things so abruptly. When he thought they were happy, but only it was months after they broke up had he realised while spending more time with Ishan how much he meant to him, almost more than her.
How much time he spent with Ishan even before they broke up. And after the breakup, Ishan was pretty much his entire world. His heart swelled with happiness whenever he was with ishan than it ever did with Sara.
Now, the thought of things ending with Ishan like how they did with Sara was terrifying.
They were the two most important people in his life and he had lost one of them, as a lover and a friend. He couldn't afford to lose the only other best friend he had.
This was the problem with shubman and alcohol. Drinking was fun but it always ended with thoughts of Sara and then Ishan leaving.
Fuck, he was supposed to listen to the song to avoid awkward dreams but this had ended with even worse thoughts.
Fuck this, he would never drink vodka again in his life.
He pulls out the iPods harshly and tosses them onto the bedside table not caring less about where they land. He turns to his side to look at Ishan still sleeping peacefully beside him.
The distance between them remains and short puffs of breath escape ishan's slightly agape mouth.
Shubman just listens.
Sometimes he thinks he could spend a good chunk of eternity listening to Ishan's breathing. As creepy as it sounded, it was simply comforting to listen to Ishan's soft snores sometimes.
Oddly calming, like laying in the beach at night, rhythmic waves of water gently swishing against the sand. Like the pitter-patter of raindrops gently landing on your window,
pat
pat
pat.
He's listening to Ishan's breathing right now, his ears more than familiar with the sound.
It's like a radio he's permanently tuned into in some way or the other, because it's just so easy for him to slip into listening.
The calming in and out, predictable and reliable unlike some of this other thoughts at rough nights.
It's too easy to distract himself and simply try to fall asleep again, trying to match their breathing. To unite their breaths, until anything screaming at the front of his mind slips just off to the side.
For now, at least.
He lifts his hand in an attempt to touch Ishan's face, but lets it hang in the air for a second, an inch away from cupping Ishan's jaw and lets it fall back onto the bed.
He didn't deserve Ishan.
He has taken advantage of ishan while he was drunk. He was more sober than Ishan, he should have controlled himself. What if their friendship would crumble just because of that?
Would Ishan even look at his face if he remembered what happened between them at the bar?
Ishan liked girls for fuck's sake and he did too.
He swallowed, realizing that he was crying. Hell with the vodka turning him into a hormonal teenager again.
This felt like he was sixteen all over again feeling heartbroken when he found out his crush had a boyfriend.
Maybe Ishan would find someone better than him, maybe a real girlfriend who can give him true happiness.
Maybe- Suddenly, he feels a sharp pain on his cheek at the speed and force of a bulldozer, cause ouch.
That hurt like a bitch.
"What the actual fuck-" He snaps his eyes open, and sees Ishan's hand innocently resting on his face.
Shubman blinked, pushing Ishan's hand away harshly and rubbing at his cheek, trying to process what had just happened.
Ishan, had slapped him and of course, all while he was still sleeping, completely unaware of his second attempt at killing Shubman that night.
He felt a mix of anger, confusion, and amusement. So much for putting a distance between them to avoid 'accidents', he ended up getting slapped by his crus– friend.
He gently took hold of Ishan's hand again and looked at his face. He had a slight smile on his lips, as if he was dreaming of something pleasant.
He felt envious of Ishan for getting to dream of pleasant things while knocked out cold while he had to deal with strange dreams, weird feelings and being woken up every twenty minutes after trying to sleep.
Yet, he also felt a surge of affection swell inside his heart, and forgot about all his emo thoughts from earlier.
He couldn't help but laugh softly, he wondered if this was Ishan's way of cheering him up.
He shifted again, now closing the gap between them with his face mere inches away from Ishan's and their bodies almost touching.
He whispers, "You're such a jerk in your sleep, you know that? But you're too cute." He then throws a lazy arm around Ishan and closes his eyes.
His heart thunders in his chest as he decides whether he should say the next words.
He takes a deep breath and gently brushes a strand of hair away from Ishan's forehead. "And maybe—" He pauses, was he really going to do this?
This would be the moment where he would finally know and accept the feelings which he knew had always lingered in his heart somewhere since a very long time.
"Maybe that's why I'm in love with you." He whispers weakly. He had done it. He had admitted to his feelings.
He was in love with Ishan.
He loved Ishan.
Fucking hell, so the thing all his friends, sister and the entire world joked about was real. Simply, truly, utterly real.
He feels Ishan stir slightly and snuggle closer to him. His heart skips a beat and he wonders if Ishan is awake, if he has heard what Shubman said just now.
He nudges Ishan slightly, searching for a reaction. In return, there is no response, only a soft snore. Ishan is still asleep and oblivious. He feels a complex mix of relief and disappointment.
He wonders what Ishan would say if he knew. He wonders if Ishan feels the same way. He wonders if he should wake him up and tell him again.
He wonders if he should pretend that nothing happened and act normal in the morning.
Nevermind, it was better for Ishan to be sleeping. He couldn't begin to imagine how much more complex things would've been if Ishan was awake. He decides to let Ishan sleep and deal with the consequences later.
Shubman smiles and runs his fingers through Ishan's hair. He shuffles and feels Ishan's steady pulse and his warm breath on his neck.
He closes his eyes and sighs, fingers occasionally curling in Ishan's hair to gently scratch the scalp to which Ishan reacts with a pleased hum.
Staying under the duvet felt too hot with all the gooey feeling which returned to him again.
He hopes that in whatever dream Ishan is in, they're together. He hopes that they are happily and senselessly in love where things are so much more easier.
Shubman doesn't pray often, but this time he prayed that he wouldn't wake up until a few more hours because he was so tired, he could just pass away right there on the bed.
He takes Ishan's hand into his own before bringing it to his lips to press a soft kiss on his knuckles. He'd worked hard today.
He glances at Ishan one last time before he closes his eyes, hoping to fall into a deeper sleep
v.
This time Shubman feels more at peace. He has Ishan close to him, warmth from his body radiating against his own skin.
Ishan wasn't doing anything risky anymore like physically bullying him. Simply sleeping and stirring occasionally, snuggling closer to Shubman.
He doubted there could be anything else Ishan could do to wake him up and simply hoped Ishan wouldn't start singing Kala Chashma out of the middle of nowhere.
Ishan had been blasting it for a suspiciously large number of times in the pub earlier.
Shubman drifts in and out of sleep, feeling Ishan's breath on his neck.
He really wishes he could enter his mind and read his thoughts to simply find out what exactly was happening in that head of his, specially after their little moment. But even if it was possible, he doesn't think he would find pleasant memories.
Maybe their kiss was a horrific memory for Ishan, since he wasn't even in his right mind.
So, Shubman just settles for holding him tighter, wishing Ishan would forget everything the next morning.
He shifts slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position. His back aches from the from the match and dancing in the pub then carrying ishan all the way to the room, and his arm is also numb from Ishan's head resting on it since a long time.
He gently pulls his arm away from his side to let Ishan rest on the pillow instead of his arm and then turns around, facing away from Ishan to stretch a bit, and find a comfortable position to sleep again before pulling the duvet over both of them.
He hopes Ishan wouldn't notice the lack of his favourite pillow that is Shubman's hand.
He is content and happily sleeping before he is roughly awakened again by a sudden jolt, as he feels something kick him hard in the back.
He falls off the bed right onto his face, hitting the floor with a thud. He groans, feeling a sharp pain in his spine.
Oh god,
his nose was broken.
It was gone, over.
Everything has finished.
His fans wouldn't like his face anymore, he would need to get work done. Ouch, ouch, ouch, it hurt. He turns onto his back to touch his nose and winces when he gets simply returned with pain.
He looks up, and sees Ishan still asleep, oblivious to what he has done. He sighs, wondering if he can ever get a good night's rest with Ishan.
Sure, he loves him and he makes him feel all gooey with one look, but he had enough. He gets up, rubbing his back, and strides to the mirror to take a look at his nose. It didn't look broken, but hurt way too much.
Walking over to the mini-fridge, he grabs a cold beer and helps himself with the nose. He has had enough, no more cuddles for Ishan. He would sleep on Ishan's bed.
Ishan wouldn't be pleased to find his best friend's absence beside him, but Shubman needs some peace.
He drops on to the bed to watch a few reels, letting the cold of the beer help his nose.
He stumbles across a few reels about Sara at the match and the crowd cheering their names and rolls his eyes at them.
They were fun to watch when him and Sara were together, but now they were over since a long time. People should know when to let things go.
Then he finds a meme of the viral picture of theirs where Ishan helps him drink water captioned with 'Couple Karvachauth pics on insta:' with a romantic Lata Mangeshkar song in the background.
He smiles at it, taps a quick like on it and drops the phone and the now not-so-cold beer can onto the bedside table and turns to look at Ishan.
He was a hassle to sleep beside when drunk, but Shubman's stupid brain always sought reasons to find him cute. He still found him cute.
What an absolute simp he has turned into.
He looks at ishan's tattooed hand peeking out from the duvet, the same tattoos he always traced with his finger when Ishan comforted him during his hard times.
His vision slowly starts to blur and the pain in his nose fades, still there but faint. He sprawls entirely on the bed, enjoying the space before drifting off to sleep.
vi.
This time, Shubman was able to sleep more peacefully. No disturbances from a 5'6 man aside from his soft breathing sound which Shubman didn't actually mind.
But he felt rather cold and empty, aching from the absence of another body beside him. He opened his eyes and saw that the other side of the bed was vacant, the sheets neatly folded.
Shubman closed his eyes again, trying to ignore the weird guilty feeling in his chest.
He didn't know if it was because he had moved away from Ishan who was seeking warmth from him, or because he had always been trying to do that for a long time, trying to push ishan away.
He had been pushing aside his feelings for Ishan all along, telling himself that they were just best friends, nothing more.
That everytime he looked at Ishan smiling and the warmth that spread through his chest at the sight was nothing more than something out of friendship.
He had dated Sara, and was happy with her but it didn't work.
She had broken up with him and only was it Ishan who had comforted him everyday when he cried and weeped about her.
And it only took her loss for him to slowly find feelings for Ishan to start slipping in.
He then found himself spending less and lesser time with Ishan, hooking up with random girls he found on Tinder or any girl who he'd find at the bar.
While getting on with them, he always imagined how Ishan's lips would taste instead. Every distraction he tried to make for himself to avoid Ishan only made him miss him more and more.
Even at the bar, when Ishan had dared him to kiss, everything has went off in his mind and he realised just how long he had been waiting for that moment. But he denied it, denied it all.
He let himself slip in to the feeling of pure bliss in that moment, taking advantage of Ishan who wasn't in his right state of mind simply because he couldn't hold his feelings.
He knew Ishan was a good person, a loyal friend, and a caring partner. He knew Ishan loved him, maybe not in the same way, but still.
He knew Ishan would never hurt him, never judge him, never leave him. He knew Ishan was the best thing that ever happened to him, the one who made him happy, the one who understood him, the one who completed him.
He knew all that, yet he still denied it. He still tried to run away from it. Why had it taken so long for Shubman to accept his feelings for the other man?
Why did he have to avoid Ishan so many times simply because he had to control his feelings? Ishan didn't deserve any of that.
Shubman didn't deserve Ishan at all.
He twisted and turned in his sleep, feeling restless. He wished he could go back to the moment before, when he had kissed Ishan, when he had felt Ishan's lips on his, when he had held Ishan in his arms, when he had felt Ishan's heartbeat against his, when he had felt alive, when everything was so damn simple.
They didn't care less about the world around them in that moment. Right then, he wished he could tell Ishan how he felt, how he had always felt, how he would always feel.
He wished he could hear Ishan say the same thing, that he loved him, that he wanted him, that he needed him. He wished he could make Ishan his, and be his in return.
So, he had done the logical thing in that moment and had broken away from the kiss to stop himself before they went too far and before he let his ignorance ruin everything between them.
He clenched his fists, feeling frustrated and angry. He hated himself for being such a coward, for being such a loser. He hated himself for wasting so much time and hurting Ishan in the process.
He always saw the look in Ishan's eyes when he made up excuses to meet up together.
He hated himself for letting alcohol be the only thing to finally allow himself to be closer to Ishan, for letting it be the only thing that made him brave enough to act on his feelings, for letting it be the only thing that made him happy.
He felt a tear roll down his eyes and run across his temple before disappearing into his hair. He turned onto his stomach, and winced when he felt a surge of pain return to his nose again when it touched the pillow.
He smiled, feeling a flicker of warmth in his heart, he had been angry at Ishan earlier for being so active in his sleep, but maybe he deserved that for all those times he hurt Ishan.
He remembered how Ishan had snuggled closer to him, how he had breathed on his neck, how he had made him feel.
He loved him more than anything. He loved him more than himself. He loved him more than life.
He loved him more than anything for being Ishan.