"I think that living with your brother helped you a lot but you might need some intimacy." Says dr.Jensen.
I bite the inside of my mouth as I nod my head in agreement with her statement. She's not wrong; it's been a year since my ex-boyfriend and I parted ways. Perhaps it's time for me to move on and reclaim my independence. I've been relying on my brother lately, and it's becoming a lot for him as well.
Every day, I remember the day when he took me to a field full of flowers. My friend Nadia insisted on doing my nails that morning, and we went shopping to find a fancy white dress for the evening. It all seemed so obvious, and everything happened so fast in my head. I was anxious because deep down, I knew I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to get engaged.
I met Hunter in California, in Los Angeles, at an excellence awards gala. Back then, I was working as an interior designer and had the opportunity to work on the decor of a short film. The director invited me to the gala to help me make contacts in the industry, but unexpectedly, I ended up finding myself a boyfriend.
He was a baseball player for the Dodgers, and it wasn't the complexity of his schedule that was the issue, as I was already aware of its demanding nature, thanks to my brother. The main issue we faced was the significant age difference between us. He was 30, and I was 23. Our relationship felt rushed because he was ready for things that I wasn't. Despite being deeply in love with each other, we found ourselves fighting every day. Arguments erupted over almost everything.
The day he proposed, I accepted. We made a public announcement, but within a month, I decided to end the relationship. We sold our house, and from that point onward, we never spoked again. The situation felt awkward, and I couldn't envision myself as his wife. I realized I wasn't prepared for the responsibilities that come with adult life.
As soon as my brother heard the news, he insisted that I move with him to New York. He's an NHL hockey player for the NY Rangers, now in his seventh season since he was drafted in New York.
Since a young age, everyone knew he would be a prospect for the NHL. Our parents invested all of their money in his future career. We grew up in Michigan, where he played for the the USA hockey NTDP.
Being the sister of a famous hockey player and the fiancée of a well-known baseball player put my name on the map. I attracted considerable attention on the internet, which in turn opened doors for me. Moving to New York proved to be a rather beneficial idea after all.
I've had a few small job contracts, but nothing significant at the moment. I love my job, and I love feeling valued for my progress and success. I have always been an artistic and creative person.
"Okay, well, that's all for our monthly appointment. I'm glad to see that you're feeling a lot better; you've made a lot of progress," she congratulates me as I get up to leave the room.
I thank her kindly and head to the receptionist to schedule my next appointment. I book on the 14th of December.
Outside, it's pitch black dark. Since we're in mid-November, it's getting colder in New York. My nose is so cold that I can't even feel the tip of it. I walk quickly to the restaurant near my therapist's office, and my boots make a lot of noise on the floor as I rush toward the door.
Coincidentally, my neighbor Olivia works at this restaurant, which happens to be close to my therapist's office. When I first arrived in New York, I used to have an appointment every week, and after each session, I would come here, sip on a drink, and engage in conversations with other customers.
"Gosh, it's so cold outside today," I say as I put my coat on the available seat at the bar. Olivia winks at me and offers a glass of wine. "They're wild tonight, 3 - 2," she says while smirking at the TV above us. Many clients in the restaurant are screaming and booing. I look and say, "The Devils vs. the Rangers, you know how it's going to end."
"Cedric scored two times tonight, he's great," says Robert, a regular sitting next to me. "Well he could've done at least a hat trick" I add will laughing. "There's still one period though!"
"Would you like another one, Rob?" asks Olivia, taking his empty cup from the counter. "You know me well, but I'll limit myself to two beers tonight. My wife is waiting for me at home," he adds with a slight smile. "Okay then my friend, I"ll bring your bill."
"It's thirty dollars for tonight, Rob!" he hands her cash and a ten-dollar tip. "Thanks for the tip. Will I see you again this week?" she asks him. "Probably Thursday, The Rangers are playing. Oh, and by the way, good game for your brother Morgan," he points at me. "I'll tell him! Take care," I exclaim.
With six minutes left in the game, it's now tied at 3-3. The rivalry between these two teams is well-known. I may not be a fan of the Devils, but I'll admit they can be impressive. It's been quite a while since the Rangers have managed to beat the Devils.
I share with Olivia everything that has been going on in my life, which isn't much, but still noteworthy. She asks about my trip to Michigan last week, and I tell her that everything went well. It felt great to revisit my roots, even though this place holds some bad memories for me.
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. It's my boss from the bar. Despite it being my scheduled day off, I anticipate his request: he wants me to clock in.
During the evenings, I work at a popular bar called Daphne. It's known for being difficult to get into, especially on nights when there's a hockey game in town. The place gets really crowded. My brother and his teammates often come to party after their games, which my boss appreciates because those nights tend to be busy for us.
"Ol, I have to clock in at Daphne's," I say with a sigh, prompting her to hand me my check. "Really, why are you still working there? If I were making money like you already do, I wouldn't even think about getting a fucking part-time job," she remarks as she cleans the bar. She's correct; I could sustain myself with the income from my social media and occasional contracts. However, Dr. Jensen recommended that I participate in group meetings to ensure regular social interactions, especially considering I'm often alone.
There was no way for me to sign up for book club or whatever you want to call it. Instead, I chose to make the most out of the situation by finding a job that not only keeps me active but also allows me to meet new people. However, Olivia views this job as degrading for me.
"We've already talked about this," I roll my eyes as I hand her fifteen dollars. "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow," she reminds me of the brunch we planned at a little cafe downtown. I wink at her as I put on my coat and hurriedly make my way to wherever I parked my car earlier.
...
Arriving at Daphne's, I head to my locker and change into the outfit I left in my car from my last shift – a bit gross, I admit.
Before putting it on, I give it a sniff to make sure it doesn't stink. Although I can still detect the perfume from the previous night, it seems fine, so I go ahead and wear it. I slip into sheer tights, a super-mini skirt, a low-cut black top, and knee-high boots. A little pouch with essential items, like pencils and lipstick, is strapped on, and I apply a generous amount of perfume.
I'm a 5"5 girl with long blonde hair. I have blue eyes and a fair skin. While my face bears some resemblance to my brother, my younger sister is practically a copy-paste of him. He stands tall at 6'4" with brown eyes, flowing brown hair, and fair skin.
I see a text from my brother on my phone, that says. "We lost, but we're still coming...GETTING WASTED".
We're opening at 11:00 PM. There are still 5 minutes to go, and as I glance down the stairs, I notice a huge line forming to get in. "Thanks for coming, Morgan," says Clark, my rich boss. "It's fine; my brother was coming anyway."
Earlier, the girls and I had our traditional two shots of tequila before opening to get into the mood. "Mo, come here, your brother is there!" screams the bouncer at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey boys, come on in!" I say while opening the door. Only half of the team is present. Each guy gives me a brief hug. "It's the fifth loss in a row, Ced," he looks at me with a grumpy expression. "It sucks, Mo. I don't want to talk about it."
As they enter the bar, I feel a hand grabbing my ass. I turn to look over and see Braden. "Schneider, you scared the hell out of me," I say, giving him a hug. "Hard night, but way better since I see you," he says. "So cringe, go ahead," I gesture towards the stairs.
Braden and I, it's a bit complicated to explain. I've encountered him a few times because he's my brother's teammate. I always sensed some tension between us, but it was confirmed two months ago when we slept together for the first time. We've evolved into something like fuck buddies, and when I tried to discuss it with Dr. Jensen, her first thought was "rebound." While he might be my rebound, I can't see a scenario where Braden and I end up in a relationship.
I bring them to their table, where there's already a couples of bottles.
The party is at its peak, and I'm in the employee's bathroom, busy applying lipstick. Overheard in conversation, Emma assures Livy, my other colleague, saying, "I swear he's here. I spotted him while smoking downstairs, and everyone was going crazy." "Who's here?" I inquire curiously. "You know, that guy from the Devils. Ugh, I forgot his name," Emma mentions. "She's talking about Jack Hughes" Livy chimes in, rolling her eyes. I froze for a sec and suddently I get all nervous. "Anyway, I heard that a couple of guys from the devils were here tonight" says Emma while adjusting her boobs.
As I storm out of the bathroom, Braden takes me aside. He's quite touchy, but I try to maintain some distance since I'm working. "Is it true that your rivals are here?" I ask. He smell like alcool and look a bit disoriented. "Yes it is, why?", "I mean don't you think it's weird? Why would they come here if you're here?". he smile and nods his head "Your brother invited them! they asked us where was the place to go out in NY". I smile gently "I see, got to go back to work. Be kind with them and no fights". "Yeah, see you later pretty girl", he says while kissing my forehead.
I head behind the bar, taking orders and crafting drinks. The music blares, lights flash everywhere, and the room is insanely hot. Amidst this sensory overload, I catch sight of a hand waving in an attempt to grab my attention
"What would you like?" I shout to the three guys in front of me. The blinding lights make it challenging to see their faces clearly. The blinding lights play tricks on my eyes. "I'll do a vodka Red Bull, and two rum and cokes. Right, boys?"
I pull the Tapp machine as I begin crafting the drinks. "48 dollars, please," I call out. The guy pays, and as I hand him his drink, I finally get a glimpse of his face. It's Jack Hughes. "Actually can we also do 3 shoots of Ciroc?" he adds.
His brother Luke is looking at me with no smile and an embarrassed look in his eyes. His gaze feels somewhat intense, cutting through the energetic ambiance of the bar, leaving an intriguing air of curiosity in the moment. " Oh yes! Are you in? Do you want to take one with us?" says their other friend. I accept and take the shot with them. The vibrant energy of the bar amplifies as we clink glasses and down the shots together.
"By the way I'm Nico, Nico Hischier". We handshake, "I'm Morgan nice to meet you". I can feel the oppressent look that Jack is giving me. My heart is racing and honestly if it wasn't so dark, my cheeks would probably looks so red. A palpable tension lingers in the air.
I thank them kindly and they go back to their booth. The night continues, I take many shots with other costumers. Fatigue starts to settle in, but the end of the night is almost there.
As I'm walking towards the Devil's table, I light up two flyers and follow Adrianna who's dancing with a bottle of vodka. Behind me there's Emma handling the big board that says "Devil's win".
Everyone is cheering, and as a fan of the Rangers I feel like an impostor. My brother's team is laughing at me from a distance as I sway my hips from side to side. The Devils are capturing the moment on their phone, and they seem a bit cocky, but that's all part of the job.
Jack is looking right into my soul, and I can sense that he's thoroughly enjoying the scene. I don't mind; I lock eyes with him, maintaining a confident gaze. Girls are beside him trying to get his attention, opening their mouth to get free shots. "We need one of your credit cards to pay for the bottle," I say into Jack's ear. He pulls his wallet out of his pocket. "Take mine, but bring it back to me, please." "Thanks, no worries," I assure him. He grabs my arm, and I turn back to face him. "Oh, and make sure to add yourself a generous tip," he adds with an arrogant tone.
Craving a breath of fresh air, I slip out through the discreet back door. The night air, slightly cool against my skin, provides a big contrast to the heat and vibrancy inside the bar.
There's drunk people everywhere, and I feel such like a looser being here. Tonight is reminding me why I made the decision to distance myself from my brother and, more broadly, from Michigan. I left in California to be on my own and escape my past. but it feels like I carry my issues with me wherever I go. The attempt to break free hasn't proven as successful as I hoped.
"Yo, we're heading home, M," says my brother as he walks toward me. "Alright, hope you had a fun night." He hugs me, "Yeah, it was fun, like always. Be safe; I'll see you tomorrow."
I see Braden getting out of the bar with the three cooky friends I met earlier. "Well, boys, next time we'll beat you guys," says Schneider. "Bro, you haven't beaten the Devils in like years," Luke adds, giving him a gentle push.
"Oh, look who's here," says Braden while hugging me tightly. I try to distance myself from him. "Guys, that's Morgan Carter," he says. "Yeah, we met her earlier," Jack says, chewing hard on the gum in his mouth. He looks directly into my eyes, and I feel my legs growing weak. "And did you know that she's Carter's sister?" "She's also the ex-fiancée of this guy from the Dodgers. You know, the blond guy Hunter," he adds nonchalantly. My eyes widen, taken aback by how out of context this sounds. "Argh, stop it, Braden!" I shout.
Nico looks at me and says, "Oh, that's why she looked so familiar to me." "Yeah, she does look familiar, doesn't she?" Jack says while readjusting his hat. "Sorry, boys, but she's my girl, too late," says Braden while laughing. Jack chuckles a little and lifts his hands in the air. "Okay, come on, guys, let's go; we have practice tomorrow," Luke pleads.
I suggest to Braden that he should go home.
...
We've just finished cleaning the room, and the night has come to an end, with everyone cleared out of the bar.
After changing into my everyday clothes, I head to my car and find my phone flooded with texts from Braden, all full of apologies. I don't even pay much attention because he has a habit of being clumsy, although this time he clearly lacked tact. The drive to my apartment is quiet, and it passes quickly through the city's nocturnal stillness.
Upon entering my apartment, I notice Braden's shoes beside the little bench in the entrance. To my surprise, I find him fast asleep in my room. Deciding to deal with it later, I empty my bag and toss my clothes into the washing machine for a quick clean tomorrow. After a brisk shower, I crawl into bed, feeling refreshed and clean.
"Are you mad about what I said?" Brad mumbles as he gently opens his eyes. I take a moment before responding, as I'm not entirely sure if I'm mad or not. "No, you spoke the truth. It's just that I believe we can move on from this." I sigh, give him a kiss, and close my eyes.
Jack's face keeps replaying in my mind, just like it did several years ago. Is it odd that today, at the age of 24, I feel like I'm 18 again? Isn't it strange that today, after scheduling my second-to-last appointment with Dr. Jensens to finally fly on my own after all the progress I've made, I would want to go back to my very first appointment?
Isn't it strange?
...
Hey everyone!
I've been working on this book since October, and it's a bit different from my previous ones.
It's got explicit stuff, mentions of alcohol, and maybe some violence. Let me know if you want a trigger warning before diving in.
I've got 20 chapters ready, but I won't drop them all at once.
It's a fiction and non of this really happened!
Hope you like it! xx