❝ here's to silence that cuts me to the core
where is this going? thought i knew
for a minute, but i don't anymore ❞
— forever & always, taylor swift
INSTAGRAM | KANGCELINE MADE A NEW POST !
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LIKED BY HANJIHO, YEYEJUN1999, K.TAEYANG, _MARIAHWASA AND OTHERS
KANGCELINE exciting things to come! can't wait to share with you 🦢🩷
HANJIHO Beautiful
♥︎ LIKED BY KANGCELINE
K.TAEYANG i'm very honored people think we're related
KANGCELINE are we not?
K.TAEYANG sorry twin love u my mistake
USER celine you kill us with your beauty!
♥︎ LIKED BY KANGCELINE
YEYEJUN1999 tell me.
KANGCELINE you already knoww
YEYEJUN1999 okAY then
CELINEUPDATES Ma'am have some mercy please. Or take the modeling deals we know you're rejecting. -🐻
KANGCELINE what deals? 🤔
CELINEUPDATES bro u rly think we dont know -🦊
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Serin was resting in her dressing room while waiting for the producers to call her and announce it was time to start filming. Well, if she was going to be honest, she was hiding — and not really bothering to pretend she wasn't. They had already come to set up her microphone and the rest of the devices to allow them to get a better capture of her voice during the recording and she figured she still had a few minutes before they called her to enter the place where she knew every dance crew was already at.
She wasn't ready to face her ex-girlfriend again and it made her feel deeply annoyed. Serin spent the last days trying to convince herself it would be okay, and last night she did in fact have a moment of confidence in which she reassured herself it would be fine. Although she slept feeling ready, as soon as she woke up she felt the anxiety creeping up again, and it only made her mood sour.
A part of her just couldn't believe she was feeling such bad feelings because of the person who used to be her safe place, and it was upsetting. Serin hated the way it all ended and how forgiving wasn't enough to bring her peace — she just hoped facing her again would finally get her the closure she deserved.
Her mind kept repeating the same pattern of everything she had to do in order to leave as soon as she could. Greet, compliment, smile, nod. Anything to make Mnet as satisfied as she could so there would be no reason for them to want to shot extra takes.
"Serin-ah", the sweet voice made her look at the door and she once again noticed how her mind slipped away. "We'll start filming, they asked me to get you. You ready?", Hwasa's smile, although welcoming, didn't do much to ease her nerves.
As far as her partner knew, Serin was anxious because of the cameras. It was a well known fact in the industry that most songwriters and producers felt more comfortable in their studios, where they could have some privacy and an environment that resembled their safe haven, and Serin was indeed one of them. She loved her studio as much as she loved her own home, especially because she spent most of her time there instead of at her own place.
But, again, that had little to do with her feelings in that moment. Working with big artists like Taylor Swift meant having cameras around you, though paparazzis didn't seem nearly as interested in her as they were in idols, they were aware of how popular Celine was — she was a Grammy winner and K-pop's new sensation. So, Serin was used to having eyes around her.
"Yeah", she breathed deeply before raising from her seat in an energetic move. She knew if she hesitated a single second she'd leave. "Let's go."
Serin and Hwasa spent the small path talking to each other about what they wanted to see. Although Hwasa was the one performing the dance, she wanted Serin's input in what she thought would fit the song better and what she didn't want to see. They agreed they'd choose the crew who created a dance that could both fit Hwasa's style and look good without camera work, but the rest was still up for debate.
As soon as Serin stepped on the filming location, she felt her hands starting to tremble. Most of the dancers abruptly stopped talking and she knew she should greet them, otherwise she'd come off as rude, so she took a small breath, not allowing herself to feel it any deeper as she didn't want them to see her in a vulnerable moment — or at least be aware of it —, and followed Hwasa's lead.
"Hello", Celine put on her best camera smile as she looked at the dancers, glad at herself for being able to connect face and name — she wanted to be able to refer to them individually, as she knew her job as a judge was to also give them her own critics.
Serin felt some of her feelings easing as she saw their reactions to her presence, some women looking at her with wide eyes and others giving her respectful nods. Redlic personally gave her a wave and Serin smiled back at the woman before moving her eyes to the next team. They first met when Redlic choreographed for Black Mamba, Serin's only work with Aespa — one she was very proud of.
Serin's heart started racing when she met the girls in white clothes, clearly contrasting with the women around them, and she again bowed respectfully, but this time more mechanically as she tried to keep the smile on her face. The blonde girl, who she recognized as Tatter, sitting below another girl Serin knew was named Lusher made a show of patting her friend's calves and Serin distinctively heard her saying something along the lines of "I can't believe Celine's here", but she unconsciously blocked it out as she met eyes with her ex-girlfriend.
Bada was just as pretty as she remembered, and just as breathtaking as she had always been. Although Serin had seen countless pictures and videos of her, seeing her in person was different. Bada was the type of person who had a distinguish aura around them, which made looking at her more appealing and very hard to stop doing, but Serin ignored the want and looked away as quickly as she could, not registering the look in the woman's face. She could barely register her own feelings, there was no way she was going to try and decipher what were her ex's.
Hwasa led Serin to a chair just in time for the producers to announce they were already recording and that the mission had started.
"Before we start evaluating", Hwasa took her microphone as she looked at the crews, and Serin chose the safe option and stared at her friend while she spoke. "I want to thank all of you for taking your time and creating what I'm sure will be an amazing dance. It's an honor to have so many talented women working on a song of mine, and I wish you the best luck", they all clapped and Serin followed the lead. "Celine, would you like to explain our song?"
Serin thought it was very cute how she referred to it as their song, seeing as she was very familiar with artists that didn't recognize the producers and songwriters of their own songs, and as she looked at the singer, she gave her a smile when she felt a comforting hand on her knee.
"Chilli, as I'm sure most of you noticed, is a song meant to celebrate one's individuality and confidence", she started with no hesitation in her voice, as talking about her works was her favorite thing in the world. Serin kept eye contact with some dancers as she spoke, but actively avoided her ex-girlfriend, even though she could feel her gaze. "Our goal was to portray a strong and fiery individual, a woman who can be seen as unconventional and has proudly accepted her title, who's speaking directly to her love interest. It's up to them whether they're ready to have her in their life or not, but she's also saying she won't change to fit their taste. So, we hope you do the same thing and show us why you are unique on your own, while still having Hwasa's fiery performance."
Serin smiled politely at the claps that came afterwards, bowing her head slightly in gratitude. She looked down at her lap, where she was holding the microphone between tight fingers, and felt the annoyance creeping in as she realized she was still just as sensible as her younger self was to her ex-girlfriend's gaze. Serin wanted to tell herself it was just her mind playing tricks, but she knew if she looked, she would see the woman looking straight at her.
Her ex-girlfriend was never one to shy away from eye contact, and Serin scoffed lightly at the thought that not even their break-up was enough to make her have some restraint when it comes to looking at her. As soon as the anger came up, Serin locked it with a lot of strength and will, knowing it was not the time, even though it surprised her a lot — maybe she was not as forgiving as she thought, and maybe that was more annoying than the anger itself.
"Mannequeen will go first", someone announced, but Serin couldn't register the voice as she looked straight ahead in an attempt to clear her head. She was being recorded and she couldn't give them a glimpse of vulnerability.
She heard some people commenting about queens, and distinctively heard her ex-girlfriend making a smart comment about being a queen, but ignored it as she smiled at the women heading towards the center of the dance floor.
"We are", their leader, who Serin knew was called Funky Y, started. "Mannequeen!", the queen crown greeting was unexpected and it made Serin smile and copy the movement, laughing when she saw Hwasa doing the same. "In our crew, Heasa will be played by Redlic."
Both Hwasa and Serin clapped at the announcement, Serin herself feeling the expectation build up as she knew how talented the blonde woman was. Her stage presence was also amazing and noticeable, even though she never trained to be an idol, she could easily take over the stage.
"I have high expectations", Serin joked directly to the woman in the center, who met her eyes and laughed in what Serin knew was affection. Although they were not close friends, they did keep in contact every once in a while and working together was a nice experience.
"You know each other, right?", Hwasa commented in the microphone, touching Serin's arm lightly to get her attention, and Serin hummed while nodding in response. "How so?"
"We worked together for Black Mamba", Redlic answered just as Serin opened her mouth to do so, and instead the pink haired woman chose to nod again. "She's a very... present producer", Redlic's hand gestures and facial expression made both Serin and Hwasa laugh.
"I know", Hwasa agreed while making a show of raising her eyebrow, lowering her head slightly and looking at Redlic with a knowing look that made Serin scoff automatically, forgetting about her surroundings and for the first time in hours feeling lighter. "It's a good thing", Hwasa laughed at Serin's indignation. "Well, you can start. Good luck!"
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"Next to go is BEBE!"
As soon as the production announced it, Serin felt her heart racing one more time. It was very distinct from what used to happen when she knew she was going to see her ex-girlfriend when they were together. Back then it was out of anticipation and the want of being with her as much as she could, but in that moment Serin felt like she was ready to bolt out of the room and she just couldn't wait for it to end, even though it hadn't even started.
She kept her face professional as she watched her ex-girlfriend's crew going towards the center of the stage, but smiled when she caught eyes with Lusher, who was the first in the row they were forming.
"I'll give you a quick explanation of our theme."
Serin then looked at her ex-girlfriend as she went running towards her crew's seat, but quickly looked away. It made her notice how the girls were practicing, though not showing much of what they had planned, and it was good. It made her notice how hard they were still working to win the mission.
"They look busy, so I'll speak", her small chuckle made Serin's heart clench in nostalgia, but she couldn't show it, so instead she pressed her lips tightly against each other and released them after, keeping her expression professional. She couldn't smile, but she tried to make her face look more relaxed. "Our theme is Street Woman Fighter."
Serin knew, of course she knew, but she wasn't nearly as ready to meet ex-girlfriend's eyes the time she did. She felt the woman looking at her the entire time she spent evaluating the other crews, and it was just about time Bada used her opportunity to not let Serin avoid her anymore. It made the younger woman feel... upset, she guessed, but there was just a lot to unfold about it and she didn't have the time, the privacy and the strength to do it while on camera. Where was that effort when they were together?
"Like you said, it says "Street Woman Fighter" right in the song", even though she was speaking directly to Hwasa, her eyes barely left Serin's. "We really loved that and wanted to make the dance about it. So we tried to depict the show with our dance."
Serin nodded in understanding as she held back the breath she wanted to let out and this time it was because she didn't want her ex-girlfriend to see how affected Serin still was by her presence. As soon as she finished talking, Serin looked away, not bothering to see if she had done the same, and instead stared at her members while waiting for the song to start.
And as soon as she did, she knew it was over.
Every single feeling she had been avoiding for the last years came back like an uncontrollable wave of emotions, and although she knew it would be hard to pretend she had no connection with the girl dancing in front of her, she never imagined it would be like that. Serin hated it with every single part of her body and soul, but there was nothing she could do besides watch and give Mnet the reactions they wanted as she prayed in her head for it to be over soon.
Serin felt overwhelmed by the memories coming back, and the way her ex-girlfriend danced made her think back to all those afternoons she spent in a dance studio mindlessly writing on her notebook as she pretended to do something when in reality she was too busy watching the girl she loved. Loved, she reminded herself like a mantra. There was nothing left for her to love, and there would never be again.
Yet, it didn't matter how hard her mind was being on herself for that minute her ex-girlfriend spent dancing, trying to convince herself she had no feelings left. Serin was an artist, and for a long, long time that woman in front of her was her muse, the one person who Serin tried to capture in her songs and was always left thinking about how there was not a single word in the world good enough to describe the things she made her feel, or how beautiful she was.
And even after all that time, after all the pain she went through and after every single night Serin spent crying wishing she could go back in time and fix something she never broke, she still felt the same sparks in her mind and eagerness in her fingers to start writing, and writing, and writing until she was left with nothing else in her head.
Hwasa's scream made Serin realize she had been acting in pure automatic mode for the last seconds, clapping her hands and smiling even though she didn't even remember starting it.
The feeling of her ex-girlfriend's eyes on her made Serin keep her eyes on the other dancers standing in the center of the floor as she tried to ignore the mess inside her, pretending to be nothing but an artist impressed with someone else's work.
"Gosh", Hwasa started, one more time making Serin feel glad as she didn't have to do the hard job yet. "I have nothing to say to you", Serin nearly congratulated her friend right there as she gave her the perfect excuse to remain silent. "I want to say as less as possible right now. Your dance... It was close to perfection. Congratulations", she clapped and looked at Serin in what she knew was her cue to speak.
"I feel the same, honestly."
Although it was true, it didn't make it any easier. As Serin looked at the BEBE members and saw how they were looking at her with bright shiny eyes, she felt upset at herself. There was no reason for her to not compliment them when they were actually amazing just because she was having trouble dealing with her own emotions. She was an artist and she knew how getting recognized for her work felt like, so Serin once again locked every feeling she had behind bars and smiled at the girls.
"I believe this is my favorite one so far and I can see why you get so much attention. You managed to translate the lyrics and the message behind the song to movements that clearly express how we expected the performance to be, while still being unexpected. I'm looking forward to seeing your final piece. Congratulations."
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
so............... they see each other again. i honestly have no idea how i'm supposed to do the angst because i'm a sucker for fluff and writing heartbreak is SO hard. but i hope you're enjoying it, and i'm more than open to any critics and suggestions! see you next monday (hopefully) <3
i haven't checked the grammar yet!!!
also serin purposefully refers to bada as "ex-girlfriend" so... i know is repetitive but it's how she's trying to deal with it :]