By the time you've grown four children inside your body and given birth to all four of them, very nearly nothing fazes you at a certain point.
Except anxiety, sometimes crippling anxiety, about your family.
If I had to pinpoint when it started, my husband being nearly killed in an attack by the Enclave only a few months after our wedding could be it. But, even if it started there, it began to escalate after the birth of our eldest, or, if I'm being truthful, the day we found out I was pregnant with our eldest, then the first time I felt her kick, and then the moment when I finally got to hold her for the first time. Three more babies later, and I'm still constantly worried about all of them. If I could, I'd never let them out of my sight. Even with our eldest now a teenager, and our second eldest nearly twelve, I haven't been able to let go of my anxiety. I suppose, for the time being, it's likely because their father is deployed again, and, despite my frustration, Elder Lyons won't even tell me if he's alright, let alone where he is.
He may be just another Knight Seargent to you, Lyons, but Derek is my husband and the father of our four children.
"Mom?" I startle only to lightly laugh as my eldest pokes at my arms. "Don't space out again. I might need you for directions, you know. This city – well, ship, I guess – is fucking massive."
"Lana Marie!" I chide, gently cupping my hands over my youngest's ears. "Don't say things like that in front of Ada! She's six and doesn't need to start learning how to swear yet!"
Lana shrugs. "Emmett does it and he's eight."
"And who taught him that?" I reply with a pointed look. "You and Lissy, I'm assuming."
"Well..." Lana awkwardly shifts back and forth from her heels to her toes. "In our defence, we weren't trying to. He just overheard us and some of our friends."
"Your hands are tickling, mommy!" Ada squeals, laughing. "What'd May say?"
"Something you're too young to hear," I say, scooping her up and holding her against my right hip. "Don't worry about it, Ada."
She nods. "Okie."
"You owe me a Nuka Cola," Lana says, winking at me. "Preferably a Nuka Orange."
"Maybe later," I say, ruffling her hair. "That fine with you?"
"Sure," Lana says. "Can I have one of the house keys? I'm tired...and have too much schoolwork to get done by the end of the week."
"Get your things and then go work in the study rooms off the laboratories," I sigh, fumbling with my purse with my free arm while Ada leans her head on my shoulder and tightly wraps her arms and legs around my torso. "I'd like to know for sure where you are. If you get lost trying to get home, just go to the labs and work with whatever you've got in your bag already there."
"Thanks mom!" She chirps, all but snatching the spare key from me the second I find and get it out. "See you later!"
Ada giggles when Lana waves at her before skipping off, her hair flying out behind her. Almost too soon, she's disappeared across the way and up a flight of stairs. At least, I suppose, there will only be two places she could be; the first at home with her younger sister and the second in the laboratory study rooms, near where her brother is. Still, I almost wish Ada still needed her mid afternoon naps, just so I could go with Lana. Everyone says I need to step back and let them grow up, and I'm trying. But every time I see Lana go off somewhere on her own, even if it's not far, I don't want her to go without me or her father. And here? Where everything is still –
"Mommy?" Ada tugs at my sleeve and then stares up at me and grins when I look down at her, adjusting her in my arms. "Why does Em get to mess with the shiny things? Dr. Li said I'm not allowed to touch them, but he can."
"Because your brother is there for his science lessons with Dr. Kaplinsky or Dr. Holt," I remind her, lightly tapping her nose. "And, remember, he's been in school for over two years now."
Ada stares at me with wide eyes. "School is weird," She says simply. "There's so many kids here, too! Not just with their mommy or daddy in the Brotherhood, just other kids!"
"Can't say I'm not glad for you guys to be able to go to school with kids who aren't entirely from military families," I reply. Military families. I can't even remember when the Brotherhood started changing the way they talk about themselves. It must have been during my father's service; I was at least Lana's age when I first started hearing us – then kids – referred to as part of 'military families.' And even before then, grandfather always said we – the Brotherhood – were the continuation of what the US military had been meant to be. Protecting citizens and civilians. Serving the people and aiding them. And yet it's always felt as though it kept us from... "The Brotherhood might have a good and thorough education system, but I don't want you guys isolated from everyone else."
"Kids here are funny," Ada says, and just the happiness in her voice alone is enough to ease my worries for her and her siblings a little. "I like it. People are way less scrunchy faced and pointy."
"Do you mean they're less strict or they're simply more cheerful?" I laugh a bit when she shrugs. "I'll let you in on a secret, Ada – I was never great at keeping my face even at school because of how to the point and in and out the Brotherhood does things. But you know who was worse at it? Your uncle Jake."
"And he's a soldier like daddy!" Ada says, reaching up to play with my earrings. "When's daddy coming home? I want to show him how I've put my side of me and Emmett's room together!"
"He should...come home in a few months," I hope to God that's true. "I know you're excited about...living here now, but I don't know everything...I'll let you know when I know, okay?"
Ada pouts. "I want to see him now, though! Why can't we?"
"Because he's on a combat mission right now," I gently remind her. She's my baby girl. I'll be gentle when discussing this with her, but, Lyons, if you think you can keep me from knowing where my husband is and if he's safe, you're going to find me much more difficult to deal with than you ever have before. "He and the Brotherhood have to make sure everyone's safe from the Enclave, remember?"
"What's this Enclave's point anyways?" Ada says, furiously shaking her head. "Grandpa said they've been around since the big, big War but they only hurt people! Why would they do that?"
"Some people aren't good people, sweetie," I sigh when she tightens her arms around me. "You don't have to worry about them, not back at...not back at my parents' home, and not here. Everything's going to be okay, Ada."
"Listen to her, kid. You have nothing to worry about in Rivet City."
Harkness. Much to my surprise, the chief of Rivet City Security comes up from behind me and waves at Ada, who starts laughing again. The less questions she has, or, at least, the more distracted from any questions she has, the better. I don't even want to think about some of them let alone try and explain them to her. Trying to explain to her why her older sisters were allowed to learn how to use guns this summer but she wasn't was hard enough, made worse by my dad letting Emmett fire a few shots even though I expressly told him not to. I thought Derek and I had made it clear to my parents that, until they were at least ten, none of our kids were going to get to learn to use weapons, much less guns. They're not toys, no matter what my dad seems to think, and Emmett and Ada are simply too young. He knows that, and he still let Emmett fire one in front of Ada, who had been begging to already because her sisters were allowed to. Trying to get her to understand she's too young for less abstract things was hard enough. How the hell am I supposed to know how to explain why her father and uncles are out fighting for the Brotherhood, why all of the men in my family have been a part of the Brotherhood since nearly forever? It certainly feels like forever.
I refuse to lie to my kids. I just don't want them to have to grow up too fast because they know everything that's going on either.
"Anything interesting from the city council I should know about?" I say when Harkness stops making faces at Ada to keep making her laugh. "Or that I'll get an earful about later? Pinkerton hasn't made a scene again, has he?"
"He's mostly stayed in his little hidey hole on the other end of the boat," Harkness says with a faint smirk. "Last I heard from him, he was making fireworks to sell to people...he wasn't thrilled when I told him he has to check to make sure the people he's selling them to have a permit."
I raise an eyebrow. "Why did he start making fireworks?"
"Some nonsense about restarting fourth of July celebrations," Harkness says, rolling his eyes. "He didn't realise all of his 'customers' ended up being members of security or moles for us. I sent Lana Danvers to get them alongside Seagrave and Garza, and he didn't bat an eye. Lana was pretty mad about being proven wrong about Pinkerton not being real, though. She'd seemed pretty content to pretend he really was some sort of dumb, urban legend a bunch of teenagers made up about a ghost living on part of the ship."
"Considering Pinkerton is the grouchiest human being I've ever met, I can't say I blame her," I note, smiling when Ada starts staring at me with her adorable, wide eyed look again. "You remembering your gramps' attempts at fireworks two years ago?"
Ada excitedly nods. "They didn't go very high but they were super bright and sparkly!"
"Well, hate to break it to you kid, but we can't risk a bunch of teenagers getting their hands on some around here," Harkness tells her, although the way he says it isn't quite so serious. "If anyone who can safely handle them gets permission from the city council to use them in a celebration, I'll make sure you're one of the first to know."
"She's going to hold you to that," I half heartedly warn him. "She held me and Derek to letting her get her ears pierced back in May after her birthday because we told her two years ago she wouldn't be allowed to until she was at least six."
Ada innocently smiles. "I wanted pretty earrings like mommy!" She babbles pushing her hair back. "They aren't as big, but they're sparkly! See?"
"Very sparkly," Harkness says, playing along. "You've got quite a good memory, Miss Addison."
"Something she absolutely won't let you forget," I say, raising an eyebrow at the man entering much farther down and stepping into the city. "Harkness," I lower my voice. "Did you know –"
"Did I know what?" He says, turning around and quickly losing all confusion. "Shoot. Good thing Lana remembers things I don't sometimes. Lyons has been here a lot more, recently, not entirely sure why."
"Good a time as any to see if I can wrangle any information out of him," I tell him under my breath. "See you around, Harkness. Don't let the mirelurks get you down."
He snickers. "Only thing mirelurks are bringing down is the lead going through their heads after they're nothing more than carcasses."
Whistling and flipping his rifle in his hands as he walks away, Harkness, single minded as always, returns to duty. Her usual, bubbly self, Ada begins chattering away at me again, and I can't help but smile when she begins trying to tug my hair out of its long braid down my back. To this day, I still find it hilarious my mom told me I would cut my hair after having kids, when I was never going to, never have, and never will. I was always going to be a mother, always going to be a wife, but I was never going to change things about myself for simple convenience. Why mom seemed to think I wouldn't want a family as soon as possible is beyond me. I'd always wanted a family. Meeting Derek was the best thing to ever happen to me, after having gone through relationship after relationship with men who didn't want the same things, men who didn't want anything more than me, or men who thought having children would be an inconvenience. They're anything but, and Derek was one of the few men I ever saw who understood it. When our babies were born, every time he was the most attentive, caring, and loving husband to me and father to our children. And he's never once wavered from that role, that man.
Maybe that's why I find it so aggravating to hear Lyons say I have no right to know if he's alright. It's not just our babies who need him. I need him.
"Afternoon, Missus Branson," Lyons smiles and, I'll admit, he is sincere when he waves at Ada. "And, of course, your youngest. I hope your...older daughters aren't causing any trouble."
"Not today," I reply. "What are you doing here? Last time you were in Rivet City, you were trying to convince members of Rivet City Security to join the Brotherhood."
"I was," He says, shaking his head. "It didn't go as I had hoped. Their security chief is such a dedicated and honest man. I truly believe he could be a great soldier, and an incredible asset to the Brotherhood."
"He could," I say mildly. "But I don't think he's interested. He has his mind set on what he values, and that's admirable."
"It is, don't get me wrong, I have no hard feelings towards him for rejecting the offer to join us," Lyons turns and waves the boy he brought with him over. "For today, I'm here to give Arthur a chance to see what the world outside of the Citadel is like. I do worry I keep him too isolated but, then again, keeping him safe and training him rigorously yet in a well rounded manner is of the utmost priority. He's quite the brilliant child, and I'm glad, though it wasn't in the best of circumstances, I was able to accompany him back out west to see his mother speak before she passed. Truly, he has been through a great deal, and I'm quite proud of him."
"I'm sure you are," I say with a tight smile. "I heard Sarah is still the one training him?"
"She is," Lyons proudly replies. "She's been training him for the last five years, and he's done quite well. Frankly, he has quite the aptitude for small arms."
"Small arms?" Ada stares between me and Lyons, scrunching her face up in confusion. "Are those like when you're a baby and your arms are tiny?"
"No, Ada," I say, affectionately ruffling her hair. "Small arms are shorter length guns, like the kind your older sisters know how to use."
"Oh!" Ada giggles, drawing out the word. "That makes more sense."
"You needn't worry about such things yet," Lyons assures her, smiling when Arthur comes over to and stands at attention beside him. "Arthur, I believe you have met Knight Seargent Branson's wife before, have you not?"
"I have, sir," Arthur says, looking up at me with his slight gap toothed smile. With how he acts, it's hard to remember he's a normal ten year old. "It is good to see you're doing well."
"You too, kid," I say, looking back to Lyons. "What's the status with things in the Brotherhood? Is Derek going to be back soon?"
"Our operations are going according to plan, if slower than we would like," He says. "But I can't tell you more than that. As for your husband, he and the squadron he is a part of are performing well in the field, per the last report I received from the Paladin commanding their unit."
I frown. "When is he coming home?"
"You know as well as I do I can't give you that information," Lyons says and, as always, I don't appreciate the condescension. "You ask every opportunity you get, and, I'm sorry, but my answer will always be the same. The Codex is clear, Hadley, and you are still an outsider as you are not one of us yourself. I understand your concern, and I respect the years your family have given to the Brotherhood, but you are not permitted to have such information."
"About my husband's well being? Really, I'm not allowed to have that information?" I frown, shifting to keep Ada held snug against my right hip. "Owyn, please –"
"The Codex is the final authority in the Brotherhood, Hadley," He says with an infuriatingly calm tone. "I would keep things hushed for security reasons, of course, but the Codex takes precedence even above traditional security reasons."
"Well, then," I sigh. "So, Arthur," I say, trying to keep my voice light and even. "What have you been learning, recently? Outside of school, that is."
"Quite a bit!" He says eagerly. "Yesterday, Sarah taught me how to kill a man by stabbing him in his kidneys! I think I'm in love!"
Ada squeaks, curling up against me and covering her ears. Lyons, of course, has no reaction to this, because this is apparently absolutely normal and acceptable. Reassuringly stroking her hair, I begin to calm her down and send Lyons a dark look. I quit smoking for the sake of my kids before they were even born but he can't even try to keep Arthur somewhat away from hands on violence? Can he honestly believe this is normal? What kind of child needs to –
"He learns remarkably quick, especially under Sarah's tutelage," Lyons says, clapping a fatherly hand to Arthur's shoulders. "I'm proud of not only him but of Sarah's dedication."
"I'm sure you are, but have you lost your mind?" I exclaim, dumbfounded. "Good Lord, Owyn, what an appropriate and wholesome way to raise a child!"
God help this boy. Being raised in a family which is part of the Brotherhood is one thing, but being raised by the Brotherhood and its leaders alone? God help him if this is the way his life is going to be, never having a chance to be a normal child. Maybe it's disturbing. Maybe it's wrong.
But, then again, maybe things are what they are.
It is what it is.