Fool
When I heard that my twin proceeded on the wedding, I badly wanted to go home. That's not the plan she told me, that's not what supposed to happen.
She told me that she will run away on that wedding, but why the hell did she proceed with that!? I don't get it! The only reason why she convinced me to really go somewhere far, is the promise that she won't sacrifice her freedom for me.
But she did. She broke her own promise.
And if only she didn't make me realize why I am here, I will seriously resched my flight back home. But she told me she will be okay, she told me not to worry and she will handle everything. She told me that I have to stay here and be away from the places that will just remind me of him.
But I think that I won't easily forget him and what he did. I will always remember him because he is a part of my system.
He is just... anywhere.
Going to another country doesn't give me the assurance that I will be distracted from everything that happened to us.
Japan is a nice country, it really is.
There's a lot of distraction, yet some of them still reminds me of him. I remembered that this is one of the countries where I want to visit with him.
Guessed what? I visited it alone...
Fucking fate played with me unexpectedly! I didn't expect it to happen at all, because he's been there for more than a decade. Never thought I will still lose him.
"I can't understand it" I whispered and drank another shot. I don't remember what is the name of the bar I went to and I also don't know how long am I here already. But what I know is, the noise and alcohol somehow comforts me.
I can't understand most of the noises, but because it distract me from having a quiet time, it made me feel at peace at some point of time, because I don't have time to think about him alone.
This time I am with so many people. I am even fucking talking to a guy right now, he's a foreigner but not japanese, because I won't talk to him if I can't understand him.
"You can't understand what?" he asked with his bored tone and sipped on his glass.
Ano nga ulit ang pangalan niya? Ah, doesn't matter! Ang mahalaga, hindi ako malasing ngayong gabi, kahit pakiramdam ko konting inom ay lasing na ako. Pero bawal malasing ng sobra, gumagawa ako ng gulo kapag lasing at ayaw ko nun.
"I can't understand why this happened to us? We've been a part of each other's life for almost a decade, but why does fate have to play this cruel game to our relationship?" I whispered while staring at my glass and smiled sadly. "He is the third man I trusted the most, yet he cheated on me"
"Cheating is normal" he casually replied and I immediately looked at him, glaring because of what he stated.
That isn't fucking normal!
"No!" his lips parted when I shouted at him. "It's not normal. Why is it normal to you? You know what, this is why most men are cheaters because you're normalizing cheating on someone. Is it normal to fucked someone when you are in a relationship!?"
"Why are you mad? I'm just stating facts. It's already what? 21st century. And cheating guys and even girls are already normalized these days"
I rolled my eyes and just sipped on my glass.
"I won't even be surprise if you cheat on your girlfriend or wife" I stated and he chuckled.
"Who told you I have a girlfriend or wife? Wait, is this your way to ask me if I am single?" he cockily replied and I am trying not to punch him because of what he stated.
Fate kalmahan mo, hindi mo kakilala 'yan baka mamaya anak pa 'yan ng kung sinong presidente ng ano mang bansa dito sa mundo.
Even if you're a crazy troublemaker when drunk, stop it now. Stop drinking now! I mentally reminded to myself.
"Mas mahangin ka pa kaysa sa kakambal ko" bulong ko at nagtaka siya dahil hindi niya ako naintindihan o hindi niya ako narinig.
"Stop normalizing cheating, it's not a good thing to be normalized in the first place. You'll just hurt the person you supposed to love in the purest way" I just stated and put my head on the table.
I should stop drinking now or I might really punch him if he talk again. Men normalizing cheating, tsk. Kaya ang daming mangloloko sa mundo e, lalo na sa mga lalaki.
Deserve ba ng mga babaeng maloko dahil normal lang 'yun sa kanila, when in the first place nagmahal lang naman kami?
Gosh I am being dramatic, this is not me! I hate you, Carlo! I hate you!
"Miss, you have to go home now before you completely fall asleep or get drunk even more" I heard the guy beside me spoke.
Hindi ba niya alam na bawal akong pigilan sa pagtulog!? Ang stupid naman niya!
"Don't you dare try to stop me from taking a nap!" I threatened him and he sighed. "Sleep is one of the things I love in my life, don't you just dare. Give me peace, I want to sleep without having a hard time now" I added and closed my eyes. "Instead of normalizing cheating, you should normalize seeing a person sleeping in a bar"
Sleep. I love sleeping, but ever since that night I started having nightmares or insomnia because I can't sleep without thinking of that scene.
Now, I want to sleep peacefully and the alcohol helps me to do that even if there's a loud noise around me. As long as I don't have that nightmare.
And when I opened my eyes, I didn't see the people that were partying last night. No party lights and loud music.
"Umaga na" sabi ko matapos tingnan ang oras at nagulat ako ng may nakita akong coat sa balikat ko ng bumangon ako. Then I saw a man sleeping on the couch, just few inches beside me.
I frowned and inspected his face, but my eyes widen when I remembered that I have an appointment to a hairsalon this morning.
"Gago, di ko naiwan sa kanya" sabi ko habang nasa loob na ng taxi at napansin na nasa balikat ko pa rin ang coat. Hanggang hita ko ang haba nito kanina at dahil malamig sa Japan, hindi ko na rin naisip tanggalin kanina, ngayon ko lang naisip na hindi nga pala sa akin ang coat. "Hayaan na nga, as if naman ninakaw ko siya. Siya naman ang kusang nagbigay sa'kin nito"
When I went to the salon, I specifally told them that I can't speak Japanese and good thing they have a staff that can speak in English which she is the one that assisted me.
"What haircut do you like miss?" she asked while looking at my reflection on the mirror in front of us.
I looked at myself and touched my hair, I used to have short hair and it's a long one now. Carlo said that it's better if I have a long hair, so my hair won't fall on my face when I am working and it won't distract me because I can tie it properly. Kasi kapag short hair, nakakatamad itali at alam niyang ganon ako kapag maiksi ang buhok ko.
Now I want it short again and with a different color this time.
"I want something different, from the length to its color. I want it to change me" I answered and she smiled gently at me before she nodded.
"How short do you want it to be?"
"Shoulder length and brown color with blond highlights" I answered all the things I wanted for my hair. This is just my first week in Japan and I already want to do everything that will change me and distract me.
It took them hours before they finished my hair because I told them to do a Korean perm for my hair.
And looking at myself right now, I feel like I am a bit new. A changed from the usual look I always saw in the mirror.
I felt happy because of this change but when I got home to the hotel, I felt like I am back again. I felt lonely again and sad. And fucking broken.
So, I went out and just go to the 7/11 beside the hotel, I don't want to be far from the hotel. I still have tendencies of getting lost and I doubt that it will ever change.
Just ordered some noodles to eat inside the store. I don't want to go back in the hotel, I will feel more lonely when I am in there. I don't have time to be lonely, I want to sleep once I went back.
A group of teenagers went inside the store and talking in Japanese language, I shouldn't mind them but because they are noisy I decided to watch them. They are happy and lively, and seems like one of them is celebrating his birthday because they made him wear a party hat. Then they went out after buying some snacks.
What a happy scene to see.
Then a family of three went inside after a few minutes that I am just the only customer inside. Their son looks cute, he looked like the Japanese boy from Mr. Bean, on that one episode. He looks freaking cute and he waved his hand to me when he saw me looking at him. I waved my hand back and he laughed before he smiled and run to his parents.
My smile faded when I remembered the dream I have for my future.
A family with him and our children.
"That seems impossible now" I whispered and smiled sadly as I watched them walk away from the store. The kid looked back to me and waved again, which made me chuckled and did the same.
"If only he didn't cheat" I stated while staring at my noodles as if it will give me some advises. I sighed and decided to message Esme, please lang sumagot naman siya.
Sa susunod pupuntahan ko na siya sa Amsterdam, hindi man lang ako ma-replyan ng madalas.
And luckily she finally answered when I called her in viber.
"Finally" I commented and I saw her eyes widen when she finally looked at her screen.
"Fate?" she asked and I rolled my eyes at her. "Is that you? Wow, I almost didn't recognize you"
"It's you who I can't recognize. Parang sobrang busy mo dyan, e ikaw naman ang boss niyang kompanya na tinayo mo. Why are you just answering my calls now? Just literally now and I called you for so many fucking times already"
Then she proceeds on telling me all the years long update that she never tell me yet. Since ngayon lang siya nakasagot ng tawag at minsan lang sumagot sa chat, kaya inabot ng ilang oras ang pag-uusap namin.
Hanggang sa makabalik ako ng hotel room, nagku-kwento pa rin siya tungkol sa mga update about sa kanya. May nanliligaw daw sa kanya ngayon, maganda ang feedback ng company na binuo niya, hindi na daw strict ang parents niya at plano din daw niyang bumisita ng pilipinas soon, so I have to get home when she's already going home. Hindi pwedeng hindi ko pa siya makita sa pag-uwi niya.
"Ah I really miss you so much, I just realized it now" she pouted and I yawned when she stated that.
"And it's your fault, I tried calling you for so many times and you didn't even answer, just now" I replied and hugged my pillow as I looked at my best friend who I haven't talk to for so many years. Almost five years of no calls and just few chats from each other.
"Yeah, I am just really super ultra pro max version yung pagiging busy ko, I don't even have so much time to date my suitor so he's adjusting his schedule for me. And you know what" I frowned when she moved closer to her screen. "It's like something or maybe my guardian angel pushed me to answer your call and just told my secretary to postpone my meeting when you called me. Like something poke me that 'Hey, it's been years answer her now. Enough working!', like that"
I chuckled and she laughed.
"I miss you too, a lot"
"What happened? You changed, even your eyes don't shine anymore" she stated sadly and I sighed before I began telling her what happened.
"And that's what happened to my life. The love I thought is pure turns out, it's not pure at all. Well maybe it was, but not anymore" I sadly smiled when I heard her sobbed.
"He's a freak cold snowman again. I hate him!" she commented angrily and I chuckled. I miss that side of her. "How dare him to do that!"
"Anyways, enough about him. He doesn't deserve to be our topic. So, you're in Japan now?" I nodded at her question. "Good, I will be there next week. I will be meeting some investors, but aside from that, I will stay with you. ou need a big distraction and that will be me!"
"Alright. Alright. Thank you for volunteering to be my distraction" I stated and she winked at me.
"I will make it up to you, it's been years since we saw each other. Now, I will visit you in advance. Akala ko kasi I will see you in Philippines na, pero since you're in Japan, then I will go there too"
After that call, I immediately fell asleep without having a time to think about anything anymore.
Tomorrow morning, I checked my phone. I don't have Facebook or Instagram installed right now because I don't want to be tempted to check on him. I even archived our conversation in messenger because I don't want to see any glimpse of him. But I still have some apps to connect to ay people I wanted to talk to online.
My tour guide will be here later, she will be with me to tour at Disneyland. I don't want to be alone as I go there because I don't know how to even go there. Second, I don't want to think of him, so I need someone who will talk and distract me from thinking about him.
For the whole time I am at Disneyland, I admitted that I am really distracted with so many attraction and so many cute kids around me. It completely distracted me and I had fun for a few hours in Disneyland. After that, i treated my tour guide in a restaurant for our lunch and waited until nighttime for some other show.
And same situation when I went home to the hotel. Same fucking loneliness and sadness. Esme is busy and my twin is dealing with so many complications in her life right now, I don't want to add another complication.
The only time that made me extremely happy is when Esme arrived and completely did everything to distract me and made me realize that I shouldn't just be lonely when the reason why I am here is to be happy... without him.
I mean, I really think I can be happy without him. I just need to adjust my life without his presence this time.
"I'm sorry for visiting you so late" she pouted while we are drinking in my hotel room. We are just talking about what happened to me recently. "If only I answered one of your calls before, then I would be here earlier than what I planned"
"It's okay. You're already here and it's enough for me. I miss you. I sighed and smiled sadly while looking at the wine bottle in front of me. "And no one will really expect that their partner will cheat on them after having long years of relationship with each other"
"Do you really see them having sex and he didn't even explain why he did it?" she asked and I sipped on my drink while remembering our talk that morning.
"He explained on why did they end up having sex, pero napakababaw ng dahilan niya. He got drunk and he got tempted, saying he didn't mean it. That's an unacceptable reason for me, because for fuck's sake I am his girlfriend for more than five years and yet he still got tempted to taste another woman. And how the hell na hindi niya sinasadya at ginusto, kung ilang beses naulit sa loob ng ilang oras? Tang ina niya!"
"Men" she stated after sighing so heavily, obviously disappointed about what he did to me. "I was there when he started having feelings for you, you know? I saw how it developed between the two of you, so I am so disappointed to him and sad for the both of you. You are perfect for each other, I knew it. I felt it before I even leave the country"
"Yeah, I felt it too. I knew his love is pure and our relationship is too perfect that it scared me before. And now, this happened. I realized that, I prefer to have an imperfect relationship, rather than having a perfect one, but he still end up cheating on me" I answered and she hugged me while I am drinking my wine.
"He doesn't deserve your love now. He doesn't deserve you now, because he's a jerk and a cheater and I hate him to the bones because of what he did to you!" she angrily replied while hugging me and I chuckled.
"Yeah, I knew that. He doesn't deserve me anymore" I stated the right words, yet it felt so wrong to say it.
Losing him made me felt so empty, I just really can't adjust properly.
Even if everyone will cheer me and advised me to moved on, I can't. He's already a part of my life ever since I met him and it's not easy to erase him to my system.
I even doubt that if he beg again, I will surely let myself fall ffrom that trap.
"Don't be a fool, okay?" she asked and I looked at her. "I knew how much you love him. I knew that he is already part of your life, but don't be a fool. He cheated and that should be the end of discussion"
Hindi ako tanga para magpa-uto sa kanya.
Pero hindi ka rin masaya... huminga ako ng malalim at tumango sa kanya.
They said that if you fool me once, that's on you. Fool me twice, that's on me.
And I guessed I am just a complete fool when I gave him the second chance after I came home from that vacation that didn't even help me move on.
When he begged in front of me for weeks, I lost the lock I put on my heart. When he didn't go to his duty, just to stay outside my unit and even outside our house, I realized that I can't see him like that anymore. When he even cried in front of my mother, I decided to give him that chance.
I gave him that chance because I thought that I can be happy again. Because it's him that I lost, that's why I felt empty even if I am at Japan. I thought, I will be happy again because I have him... again.
But I never thought that after giving him that chance, he is the one who will cut that ties now.
For months we tried getting back to our old self, we tried to give a spark to our perfect relationship. We tried to remember that we love each other for more than five years. We tried to bring everything back.
"I'm sorry, I tried. But everytime I will see you, I will hug you or even hear your voice, I will remember what happened that night and the morning where you broke our relationship. I remembered how I broke your love and trust that you gave to me. I remembered that I doesn't deserve you after what I did"
"Then make yourself deserving of me. Fuck! After months of trying, it's you who will break us up this time!? Sana hindi ka na huminga pa ng chance at umiyak sa harapan ko, kung hindi mo rin kayang patunayan ang sarili mo!" sigaw ko sa kanya at niyakap niya ako.
"You'll find someone who will be deserving of you and it's not me" he stated and slowly let go of me. "I don't want to stay anymore, because I knew my presence will just bring back the memories that will hurt you. I can't hurt you anymore, I'm sorry"
I watched him left my unit. "No, I won't let you be happy on your own or with someone else. I will chase you and make sure that you won't be happy after hurting me"
So, I did. I chase him and do everything to make sure that he won't be happy after what he did to me.
Kung hindi ako masaya, hindi ko rin hahayaan na maging masaya ka.
***