⟡ Ember ⟡
⟡
19 years later
I never understood the meaning of life, nor death. Life wasn't exciting to me, it was dark and lonely. It was the same daily routines stained into my brain, a never ending cycle of trying but never succeeding. Yet death didn't seem to make sense to me either, because you never cease to exist even after death. Your spirit and energy stay alive, floating around somewhere, trying to find a purpose. Which is exactly what I do now, while alive. It was a perpetual, everlasting life. I didn't know if I liked it or hated it. Some days I think I enjoy being alive, but then the days I can't seem to roll out of bed and I don't have as big of an appetite as I had the day before - those days make me rethink if I ever did enjoy surviving.
That's all this was, surviving. I wasn't living, I was trying to survive. Sometimes I wonder if the world above us had it easier, the SunSide. If the people who were blessed to live among the life, the sun and the stars, I wonder if they were happier than me. The UnderSide was as dark as it sounded. No life, no matter how hard we try. Several people belonging to my coven were Growers, sorcerers whose magic can only be used to create and nurture life. Yet they could only keep very few things alive, and only in very specific areas of the UnderSide. There were spots that we couldn't survive if we stepped, and we found that out the hard way. It's as if all life were rejected from parts of the land, nothing grew there, no oxygen, no light. We lost many people, those who like to take risks and those who don't want to live anymore. It was always a quick death.
We were sent here centuries ago, at least that's how the stories go. After a group of necromancers attempted to raise hell, all sorcerers were sent to an area under a mountain. It was as if the gods carved out a vast cave on the side of a cliff, for whatever reason - I don't know. It was 10 miles long, only 5 miles in width. It was a small area, for an entire species of people to be forced to live. Sometimes I wished I hadn't chickened out of setting foot in one of the lifeless nooks hidden along the mountain.
"Are you going to eat your potato or are you going keep staring at the rocks?" Renzo asked me. I blinked, dropping my foggy gaze to the hardly cooked potato on my slate slab. It didn't look ripe, it was still green in some areas. Was it ever ripe? I frowned, pushing it towards Renzo who took it with gratitude. His dirty blonde hair was short and shaggy, not cleaned or put together but truthfully it never was. Men were only allowed so many showers, children and women showered first. Our showers consisted of standing in a far corner of the cave in a small group with a bucket of water that we collected from a leak in the stones. I've never lived differently, but i've heard stories of endless water, endless blankets and warmth.
Every once in awhile, one of the realms from the SunSide would supply a few baskets of goods. Mainly pillows, blankets, knives. It was never a sufficient amount, nor was it ever worth the judgmental glares and whispers. They were the ones who banished us here and yet have the audacity to talk down on our lifestyles, as if we chose this. It was sickening and unfair. I think most people don't know about us, they think sorcerers don't exist. That's what I convince myself, because if people did know about our existence - why didn't anyone rescue us? Denial only works for so long.
A nudge in my shoulder. I hum in response, not finding the motivation to look at him. "Do you know what today is?" Renzo asks eagerly, nudging me again. His voice was always so cheerful and gentle, I didn't know how he did it. After a moment of me not answering, he grabs my chin between his thumb and index. He pulls my head to the side, his face was soft and concerned. I knew he wanted to ask me if I were okay, but he already knew the answer. Maybe that's why he didn't ask. "Do you not remember? Or were you not listening when your Mother told you."
"Both." It was most likely me not listening, but I do have a tendency to forget most things.
He drops my chin, taking the last bite of the unripe and undercooked potato. He swallows. "Tonight is the first night of-"
"Bleed me dry...The Findings." I curse, standing abruptly. "How did I forget?" The Findings was almost like a meeting, a very large, disturbing meeting where unmated Kings and Lord's gathered in hopes to find their soul-bonds. Our coven is invited every year, with conditions. We weren't allowed to publicize that we we're sorcerers, we were only allowed to send five of our females every meet, and lastly - we were obligated to hide our birthmarks. We couldn't risk anyone seeing or knowing what we are or where we come from. Doing so resulted in death.
"You are one of the chosen, Ember. You're expected to be ready at sunset to go through the portal." He reminds. "The portal only works when SunSide allows it to, so you only have so much time to get ready and get across. I don't know how they'd react if only four women step through instead of five. They may never let us participate again."
"Maybe we shouldn't." I counter, walking away knowing he'd follow. "They threw us down here like trash, why should we go to an annual meeting because they want us to? Why do we do anything they ask us to?" I was so overwhelmed with the sudden reminder, I hadn't realized I was raising my voice at Renzo. I whisper an apology, finally finding my mom besides a healer sorcerer. They seemed to be working on a new flower paste. Renzo falls into step beside me, draping an arm over my shoulder.
"Because they also keep us alive, Em. Don't forget that we would've died out forever ago if they didn't supply the necessities when we needed them." He hits the tip of my nose.
"Why do they keep us alive, Ren? We're hidden away, forced to live like rodents yet they keep us barely alive. Why not let us die out if they hate us?" He didn't have time to answer before we were standing next to my mom. She looks up startled, putting a shaky hand to her chest. The healer, who I now recognize as Delilah, giggles at her. The thick paste was yellow with hints of pink, maybe an ointment of sorts?
"Why you scared me!" My mother slaps my arm playfully. Her eyes rake up and down my body, her smile never leaving her cracked lips. My dark brown hair was an opposite to her blonde, and my gray eyes were nothing like her green ones. She was soft, gentle with everyone and constantly trying to give back to others. "You have a busy day ahead of you, baby. Why aren't you preparing?"
"I will." I sigh. "Eventually."
She smiles but this time it doesn't reach her eyes. She taps the spot next to her which I gladly accept, my leg brushing hers. Renzo stands behind me, his knees against my back - I lean into him. "There's a lot of people on SunSide, you know this?" She begins, brushing my cheek with her fingers. She looked at me as if she knew she'd never see me again after tonight. My stomach flipped. "You need to be careful with who you trust and who you surround yourself with. The only person to believe is your soul-bond, they'd never lie to you."
I roll my eyes. "Mom, I most likely won't meet my soul-bond..ever. We send five people every year and every year, those five come back. It's become less and less likely to find your mate."
She nods. "Because soul-bonds have gotten weaker, you used to be able to find your mate just by looking at them, but Lillith has made many many mistakes, which weakens the power it holds. She's gotten older, some think she's finally knocking on death's front door." Lillith was a different kind of sorcerer, the oldest one to live. Several people of our coven believe she's a fallen god. She is well over five-hundred years old. She can see people's lives, their abilities, their soul. She can see what it lacks and what it doesn't, and she can intertwine those two souls together, two that fit just right - and make them soul-bonds, mates. It's supposed to balance the two people, to offer change and happiness. I guess the last hundred years, she has failed a dozen times at making rightful couples. Many of her soul-bonds have killed each other.
No one on SunSide knows that soul-bonds are made from a Sorcerer. They believe a god of sorts has bestowed the honor upon them, hell would freeze over if they knew the truth. Lillith can bind souls from the UnderSide, without ever meeting the baby. Most of the time you'll see her far away, writing weird symbols in the air, humming.
"So how am I supposed to find my mate?" I ask out of curiosity.
"By touch, once you touch, everything else will fall into place." She says warmly, smiling, reminiscing. I knew whenever anyone talked of soul-bonds, she thinks of my father. They were one of the few soul-bonds that were both sorcerers, it made their life easier though. Guilt ripped my lungs apart, gnawing on my ribcage. I look away, unable to find my breath. Tears stung my eyes, I knew I couldn't let them fall. "Your mate will be kind to you, don't ever be afraid."
"Why are you saying this?" Anger boils deep within me, and I knew it wasn't because of her but because of grief, of guilt and self-hatred.
"There's so many different species that live on the SunSide, baby. There's Fae, there's Demons, Elves, Seers. Not to mention the types of animals that exist..I just want you to be careful, listen to your mate." She looks at me differently now, like she knew i'd cause trouble. Like she knew somehow, i'd end up in a dangerous situation. She's warning me. I opened my mouth to ask, to find out what she knows - but she starts again. "And do not worry about me, Renzo will take care of me. Won't you?"
Renzo clears his throat. "Of course, ma'm."
Renzo was my best friend and has been since as long as I remember. My mother loved him like her own, and had become friends with Renzo's parents. We were all a tight-knit family, blood relation or not. All my life, Renzo's mom would joke about how she wished we were mates, that maybe the bond just hasn't set into place yet. I never could ignore Lillith's stare every time it happened. No matter where she was, it's like she felt the conversation coming and she'd appear several feet away. She always looked worried, anticipating something that would surely taint her mind. I always pretended I hadn't noticed.
"Go get ready." My mom taps my thigh, comforting me. "You want to be ready, the portal is only active for twenty seconds." It takes everything in me to move, to pull away from Renzo's legs and stand. Finding my soul-bond was scary, but being surrounded by the very people that hate my kind? That was another fear that felt like flames licking my skin. Burning, unrelenting anxiety. My lungs hurt. I forced one foot in front of the other, swallowing the moisture in my mouth. There was nothing I could do, doing this gave us an opportunity. It gave me an opportunity.
If I did find my mate, that could be an end to my people's banishment. I might be able to do something to get us out of the UnderSide. So despite the sweat on my palms and the heart that didn't feel like my own as it pounding against my ribs, I got prepared for the worst night of my life.