LONGTAE
Around a little after 4am, I finally succumbed to sleep after hours of silently crying, taking care not to alert my father.
Thinking, rethinking and rewinding the things that happened the last 5 months. Coming home broken hearted, befriending Sand, healing from the pain and without noticing falling in love again.
Sand is a caretaker by nature. He is warm to everyone around. He's like a ray of sunshine to everyone in the village. Always ready to help heal what he could, always ready to soothe aches, bumps and bruises. Yet he had remained alone, on his own. Except for when he is with me.
To me, Sand had listened to all my nonsensical mumblings, fondly gave in every time I wanted something and had taken pleasure in spoiling me. But were those actions really meant for me?
Recalling that first time we met, he had called me Ray and the guitar he had in his grip slipped. He saw in my face his dead lover. How much of it all was meant for him? How much of it was truly mine?
Startled awake when a gentle hand touched my head and I sat up to find Sand sitting on my bed.
Still fighting the urge to close my sleep deprived, swollen from crying eyes, I mumbled "Sand? What are you doing here?"
"Good morning. I came to find you but Chief said you were still asleep and asked me to check if you were okay as he is not used to you not being up at this time" Sand responded.
"What time is it?" I asked him.
"A quarter after 10am" he replies after checking his watch.
"What about your friends?" I queried.
"Nick and Ton left after we had an early breakfast. Ton has a schedule early tomorrow so they have to make sure to get to Bangkok tonight" Sand answers gently.
"Are you alright Tae?" Maybe finally noticing my swollen eyes and puffy face. Oh... remembering now that Sand doesn't know that I know about Ray.
"Just having a headache. Couldn't sleep properly" I answered.
"How about taking a walk with me? Fresh air and exercise might help and you can try to sleep again after? I prepared some food" Pointing at his backpack.
Nodding, I got up and told him to wait outside while I washed my face and changed.
Following Sand absent-mindedly I had not noticed that he had taken me back to the lake. The memories of that wonderful kiss swirled in my head and my eyes watered unbidden because was that kiss meant for me or Ray?
Sand called me over to sit down, much like the last time we were here. Only this time, the food was simpler, just sandwiches, a few chips and a thermos of tea he said
"You haven't had your breakfast. Eat this," Sand in his usual no nonsense but caring manner, handing me some packed sandwiches.
Not really having an appetite but I accepted it nevertheless and obligingly took a few bites as Sand hummed in satisfaction and looked over the sparkling waters.
"Tae... there's something I wanted to talk to you about," he begins gently.
Between the big bite I had taken regardless of the sandwich tasting like dust in my mouth I muttered a noncommittal, "hmmmmm?"
"Do you remember the name Boston called you?" He asked me.
"He called me Ray, like you did that night we met in Pha Pun Dao Cliff," answering him as normally as I could make it sound despite the thorn I felt in my throat at finally giving voice to the name that is striking so much apprehension in my heart.
"Do you want to hear my story? Didn't you ask me once why I was here?" Sand briefly looked at me and then back to crystal waters as if those waters could make it easier for him.
"I always want to know everything about you Sand" Sincerely I looked at him because it's true. No matter how much pain it will cost me, if it helps Sand heal I will take this painful truth gladly.
Smiling fondly, briefly I thought, is it for me or the memory of Ray as he tries to revisit them now?
"Ray, I met him officially when we were in our 3rd year in the university. Unofficially though I saw him the first day we started. Ray is very beautiful and everywhere he goes, people just notice him. Might be the way he looks, maybe it was the way he carries himself with so much confidence or maybe it's because everyone knows just how loaded he is.
As for me, he was the prettiest thing I saw as he walked into the orientation hall flanked by his best friends Mew, Cheum and Boston. He never noticed me though, Ray never seemed to notice everyone except the 3 I mentioned. Not long after, Ray had been dubbed the Campus Heartless King. Ray had gone on to break countless hearts, although mine was safe as I kept off his radar and I had put the instant attraction I had for him when I met my first boyfriend Boeing.
Things were going well with Boe and every now and then I'd see Ray on campus and at the club where I started working as a band vocalist. He was still blessedly unaware of my existence. Things started changing when Boe had left me for someone else and I was heartbroken.
As I was recovering from that and finally got to a good place, I started coming out of my shell and everyone noticed just how much I changed, like a whole new person. I was happier and more confident. I didn't know that to keep Boe happy I had made myself so small and irrelevant.
Perhaps, that change made me at least attractive enough because 6 months after the break up, Ray had finally noticed me. I was both ecstatic and worried. I've always had that unrequited crush on him and his reputation doesn't bode well for a future between us. So that night when he approached me, I gave in thinking if this one night was all I could get, I should take it and make sure I can look back in the future with no regrets.
But the one night, turned into countless nights thereafter, until it was no longer just nights and Ray had whistled his way into my existence like he belonged there, like he really meant to stay. I found myself falling deeper in love, only to be confronted with a hard truth one day when Boston had frankly told me there was no way Ray was going to love me because he was and always will be in love with Mew, his other best friend.
The world crashed around me. It hurt more than finally breaking things off with Boe who I had been with for almost 3 years. Ray told me subtly and in his own non conventional way that I meant more to him than just a friend but that Mew is also important for him. But I wasn't going to settle. I... I told him I don't want to be a second option. What was I going to be some glorified mistress while he dates the love of his life eventually? I had resolved to stay away.
But before that, Top- whom Mew was dating, was the one Boe had left me for. I was already very angry at him and got even angrier when he told me to my face that he always gets whoever he wants unlike me who would never be chosen. It hurt more than a punch would because I was already nursing a very bruised ego and to hear it from the guy who made the first wounds was dilapidating. I got mad and in some ways, I think I lost my self control for the first time from all the pain. I knew how to get back at Top and how to ruin his relationship with Mew and his reputation. Nick had a record of him having car sex with Boston while he was already dating Mew. My judgment was very stupid, I was just too focused on getting Top to fall down from his smugness. I stole the record from Nick and gave it to Ray.
I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to give to someone mentally unstable. I just thought I'd feel a little better if I got back at him just a little for not loving me. I thought would Mew appreciate Ray who was basically the bearer of bad news? I could get back at Top and at least maybe delay a little bit Ray's happy ending with Mew. I even told him nonchalantly that I don't mind finding out about Mew, we were never really committed in the first place and I told him I understood why he loved Mew. Intelligent, from a well to do family and gentle. Mew was perfect, unlike me. I told him I can't go on with our arrangements anymore and I wished him good luck with Mew.
I didn't know how things got so out of hand, Ray was suddenly spiraling, drinking more that night. He suddenly came on stage as we were preparing for our gig and grabbed the mic. He was attacking all his friends, revealing his true feelings behind that passive face he had sported for far too long everyone thought that was just Ray. No one except me knew how emotional and vulnerable he could be, especially if he liked someone and he liked his friends despite them ignoring him most of the time and he loved Mew to a point of destruction, I realized that night.
When he walked out after beating everyone with his words, I tried to stop him. It was dangerous because he was drunk and I offered to drive for him instead. He lashed out at me and called me a whore, asked me if he had to pay me to leave him alone. I broke down as he pushed me away. I got scraped and bruised but I came back to my senses right away and followed him on my motorcycle. He was speeding and the next thing I saw was his car losing control and flipping. I was frozen with horror and jolted out of it when I saw the smoke coming out of the vehicle. I ran as fast as I could and tried to get Ray out. The door was stuck so it took me a while but I finally did, maybe with adrenaline. I had cuts and was also bleeding but not as much as Ray. I was shouting for someone to call an ambulance and laid him down on the street safely away from his car which had exploded. I... I saw his broken, mangled body.
Blood dripped from everywhere. I was losing Ray but I couldn't do anything. I didn't know how to help him. The last bit of consciousness he had, for a few seconds he looked at me with clear eyes and he said "I'm sorry Sand and I love you" and he lost his consciousness. That moment I realized that Ray, in his own broken psyche, had loved me. Maybe not in the way I wanted him to, but he did and I wailed in despair and regret. He died in my arms Tae, I held him so close as he breathed his last and the paramedics had to pry me off his body when they arrived"
Sand went from silently crying as he told the story, to full on sobbing now. Love and guilt feelings seem to be too improbable to ever coexist. One is wondrous and magical while the other is dark and soul draining. But these exact two feelings had co-existed, so stubbornly in Sand's heart for the last few years.
I held him in my arms as he cried. For how long I had no idea. I let him pour out all the remaining thorns that his story with Ray had left in his heart. We were just halfway through unraveling the rest of the story, which includes me and the part I played in Sand's life but that could wait for now as I held him close and tried to soothe him.
He sat up, tear stained face but still so handsome, my Sand. He is being so brave now. "Let me continue because I might never get to do it again Tae," he hiccuped and I nodded my assent.
"I was depressed for half a year but my friends specially Nick had been patient and helped me to get out of it. Finally, realizing that I could only do so much being a burden to everyone, I got out again and thrown myself into seeking my redemption. I trained to be an EMT and then Paramedic, because I thought If I had known what to do, Ray would not have died. If I couldn't save Ray, there's countless people out there who needed saving. After learning how, I worked tirelessly at the hospital for the the next 2 years or more. Taking as much shift as my body can take. Saving as many people as I could. But I was still feeling empty and the pain is not going away. That's when I met Tian again. Ray and I knew Tian separately, we weren't dating when Tian came here the first time. But he heard the stories when he came back and he felt bad for me. He told me about this village and how much it had healed him. Tian and Ray had been very similar in some ways back then. But Tian is healed and happy now. It was amazing to see and I got curious and thought maybe this is where I was meant to go. Your villagers needed medical volunteers and I needed to get away from Bangkok. The 2 months before you came home, I adjusted so well to life here. I helped as many people as I could. Doing things I never did before but I was doing them gladly, reading Doc Nam's books to try to learn more. In the afternoons, evenings and days off, I had the freedom to walk around, explore and allowed myself the space to breathe freely again trying to slowly let go of everything. Here, there are no memories of Ray and somehow the memories that I carried with me were less sharp when they strike. More than 4 years had passed but it was the first time I looked like my old self again. I began to play the guitar again, sing and write songs. That was how you found me on the cliff when you arrived. I... was startled when I saw you. I thought Ray's ghost had come to remind me not to move on too much because I might forget him. But he wasn't you, Tae and I am glad," Sand says, still crying but more composed now.
Finally, I get to ask the burning question in my heart, "why did you think I was Ray, Sand?"
Hesitant and almost apologetic he said "You looked like Ray. You could be his twin actually. The face, the eyes, everything. Except the smile. Yours are so bright it almost blinds any person lucky enough to receive them Tae, Ray's are rare and tainted with all the horrors of his traumatic past. Maybe because you were raised with so much love and compassion while he grew up with a father who basically ignored his existence. He was raised like a pet, well provided for but his father was never there and when I see you with the Chief, I just know he had raised you with all the goodness in his heart that he had managed to pass on to you. Ironically, you both grew up motherless but still turned out so differently."
"Did you befriend me because I remind you of Ray?" I asked and he immediately looked me in the eyes, searching for something I hope he finds.
"After that night at the cliff I couldn't forget you. The smile you had on your face when you looked at the stars, the laugh you had when I sang to you that funny song and the little bunny hop and skipping you did when we said goodnight. I dreamt of Ray that night but in the end, he was gone and you were there instead. I was confused and unsettled. Half of me wished you'd burst through the clearing again every night after that when I was there but another half feared what that meant. I see you from the medical clinic happily sharing your brightness with everyone in this village except me. I wondered why you stayed away but thought maybe it was for the better. I won't deny it because I never want to lie to you. I did sometimes see Ray in you and seeing you living your life so positively, I sometimes wished Ray could have had a chance to live his life like yours. Would he have smiled like you did? But those are short passing thoughts. They fade away in the face of your exuberance and your inane sweet nature. You are so different from him and that made it easier to separate you two. My self control was waning as I kept watching you everyday. I felt jealous that you would freely slung an arm or laugh with Rang. I wondered why Chief Phupha was not alarmed when Tian is obviously besotted with you. Even Chief Phupha who is usually stoic sometimes can't help being affectionate towards you. I wanted to do that with you but I tried to stop myself because I don't want to start something I was not ready for. But then I found you in the waterfalls one day, wailing and breaking and it was the first time I saw you without your usual bright smile. I thought you tried to kill yourself when you did not surface immediately and got shaken to my core. Not another person I liked trying to end his life carelessly. I finally saw you as the person you truly are behind that bright smiling face mask you had put on. You are also grappling with something that I could relate to. Trying to move on. So my defenses have all come crumbling down and I finally gave in to my desire to get to know you more. I wanted to know about YOU Tae. Not as Ray's mirror image, not as the sunshine boy everyone in this village adores. I just wanted to find the real you and I did and I think you are amazing as you are," he smiles at me with adoration and sincerity.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you about Ray. Aside from the pain of revisiting the past, I was afraid of how you will feel when you find out you looked like my dead lover. I don't want you wondering if I liked you for that reason, yes a part of me did but then I like you as the person I got to know these last few months. I liked how innocently you'd listen to everyone and the way you express your real emotions behind the camera lenses. I figured out why you almost couldn't live without a camera, because you put your heart behind the shutters instead of speaking about them. When you fell asleep one time curating your new photos, I scrolled through some of the folders in your laptop and came across your album labeled guitar man. It was full of my pictures. I was unaware of you taking them but they were beautiful. I saw the growth of your feelings through all the pictures you took. The progression and the shift. It was amazing to see Tae and I liked you even more." Sand held my face as he wiped away the tears I did not know had fallen.
He put his forehead against mine, maybe willing me to believe him, to trust him.
"I'm sorry you had to go through all that Sand. You are a good person who made a terrible mistake but you never intended for it to cause so much damage. You shouldn't have to live with guilt for the rest of your life. You said Ray had told you he loved you before he died? Then if you believed that, believe that he wouldn't want you to punish yourself forever. He would want you to be happy. I think saving lives and helping people is wonderful and Ray would be glad his death had given you a better purpose in life but stop thinking of it as redeeming yourself or punishing yourself. You already paid the worst price, with the life of the person you loved. Isn't that punishment enough? You have to learn to accept and move forward" I softly told him, holding his face too, like he is doing.
We stayed like that for a while, sharing comfort. Basking in the presence of each other. Communicating without words our affections.
We eventually went back to eating and I was debating with myself whether now is the time to share my own story. Maybe it would be too much to deal with? Sand appears calmer now and he looks so much better, less burdened.
"Tae? I know we never talked about us. But I like you a lot... Do you want to date me? Sand was holding on my hand to draw my attention.
(Part 2 next chap 😉)