"I love you." "I know."—The Empire Strikes Back
I love you. Three little words that changed everything. He didn't mean it, he couldn't possibly mean it. He was just so hyped about winning that game that he said it, he probably wouldn't even remember. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to say it back, but that would make things too real.
We only had a few months left before we both left Seaport to live out our dreams. After winning the championship, I had no doubt he'd have his pick of NHL teams if the Leafs didn't sign him, and I'd be most likely in Boston. I wasn't making any official decisions yet but come on MIT. You don't just turn down MIT.
I was overthinking absolutely everything while waiting for Hayden and the team to get back. There was absolutely no part of me that wanted to have a serious conversation about us right now, I hadn't even told him about MIT yet. I wanted to just celebrate and be happy and not discuss love and inevitably the what comes next conversation, so when Maddie, who was dating one of the guys on the team texted a group of us about having a celebratory party waiting at the hockey house when the guys got back, I jumped at the opportunity.
If we were at a party celebrating their win, it'd be so loud and hectic that we couldn't have a serious conversation, and it'd be fun. Was it awful of me to avoid talking about it, yes. However, I knew there wouldn't be anything good coming out of it. So what if we did maybe potentially actually love each other? Neither of us could or really wanted to prioritize each other. School had to come first for me, the work I'd be doing next year would be everything I'd ever dreamed of, and I couldn't afford to be distracted by a long-distance relationship with a hockey player. As much as a part of me wanted to be. I'd almost thrown away everything for a guy before, I wouldn't let myself do it again. Even if Hayden and Steven were two completely different people and relationships, it wasn't that different of a situation.
So when Hayden and the rest of the guys pulled up to the Hockey House after getting back from the airport, I knew they'd have to stop by because they always carpooled, and an awesome party was waiting for them. We'd gathered a large chunk of the school and had lined up on the block, and as cheesy as it was, we cheered as they drove back.
Hayden and the rest of the guys had gotten out of their cars, and he'd looked around till he spotted me standing on the porch next to Maddie and a few of the other girlfriends of the team, he immediately walked over and picked me up in a bear hug, spinning me around and off the steps of the porch.
"You have no idea how much I've missed you," he says pressing his head against mine as he sets me down.
I smile up at him, "I know we had plans, but when Maddie texted about the celebration party I couldn't refuse, and I figured you wouldn't mind."
"No are you kidding, this is amazing. God I have everything I could've ever wanted, I mean at this rate even if the Leafs don't sign me, I'll probably have my pick of teams."
"They're going to sign you," I say defiantly looking him straight in the eye.
"Still, if they didn't maybe I'd be able to sign with a team close to where you'll be. Wherever that is."
My heartbeat stops for a moment. That would be everything, if Hayden was able to sign with Boston, we could be together. We wouldn't have to break up, I mean it was definitely a long shot, but then this whole mess of a thing wouldn't have to be temporary.
"Don't get my hopes up," is all I say laughing in response, "Come on let's go get something to drink."
He grabs my hand and leads me into the house, we get stopped by at least five people on our way to grab drinks congratulating him on such a great season. He looks happier than I've ever seen him. It's like the weight that he had on his chest all season has finally been lifted and he can relax at least a little bit now, I know he won't fully relax until he knows where he'll be playing next year.
We drink a little bit, and then make our way to the makeshift dance floor and start jumping up and down to the music with some of our friends, and some people I've never seen in my life. It's lighthearted and fun, and exactly what I needed. I almost completely forgot about the L bomb and the future for a little bit. Almost.
Later, after both Hayden and I are over the party, we start walking back to his apartment. It's only about a fifteen-minute walk, and it's been surprisingly warm for this time of year so the walk isn't too bad.
"So, how does it feel to have it all," I ask him as we walk, the alcohol I consumed at the party's mostly worn off.
"I don't even know how to describe it. I feel. Unstoppable," He responds grinning ear to ear.
"I mean you kind of are," I reply beaming right back at him.
We continue walking, in silence for a few moments, when he stops entirely about halfway to his apartment near a bus stop in front of a park. "Cassie, I meant what I said. The other night."
"What," I ask, feeling guilty for playing dumb.
"No, don't do that. You know what I said, and I know I was drunk on the adrenaline of just winning the championship, but I've thought about it and I meant it."
"Hayden, I."
"I know, okay I know we weren't supposed to fall in love, but it happened we did. Don't even try to tell me you don't feel the same way because I know you do. If I'm feeling this there's no way you can't be too." I'm silent for a second, and with a slight edge to his voice he adds, "Right?"
"It's complicated," I say turning away from him, "We only have a few months left of college, and then..."
"I know, but a few months is a lot of time. Let's be in love for a few months, let's enjoy it. The feelings are there, and ignoring them doesn't change anything. Let's have a crazy wild in love spring romance and then we'll see what happens next."
"We both know what happens next," I respond turning back to face him, looking up at his face for a split second before glancing down towards my shoes.
"No, we don't. You still don't know where you're going to grad school, and I still don't know for sure where I'll be playing. Maybe it'll end up working out and we'll be in the same city."
"We can't rely on that though. There's no way for us to know it that'll happen."
"Then let's just enjoy these next few months. Please, Cassie. You don't have to say it back yet, I'm pretty sure you're feeling it too, but you don't have to say it, but I promise you I will make these next few months the best we've ever had together."
I finally let myself look up at him, and I see the emotion in his eyes, "Okay. I'm still scared of what's to come, but okay."
"Don't be," He replies, putting an arm around me, "We have months, and that's basically all the time in the world to spend together."
I smile, "Then let's not waste a second." We continue walking back to his apartment, and once we get there I make him wait outside of his room for a few minutes, and when I finally let him in I'm sitting there in nothing but his spare hockey jersey, just like I told him I would be, and everything feels like it's going to be okay.
And for the most part, things are. I still haven't told him about MIT, the time hasn't felt right, and I haven't even decided if that's where I'm going yet. I know I should tell him, but for whatever reason I just can't. In every other way though, the next few days are perfect. Now that hockey's over, he's just doing off-season conditioning, which he starts immediately because he's Hayden and of course he does. That leaves us with a lot more time, and I think I've actually seen him every day this week.
The school has a big ceremony to celebrate the team winning the championship, and I have a proud girlfriend moment as Hayden gives a speech about it. Since he was the captain, they decided to make him speak, and he was incredibly nervous about it. It was actually really cute helping him practice his speech.
Then we've either had dinner together or lunch between classes every day this week. Tonight, we're planning to make chili together, and I'm bringing the ingredients over to his place.
One of his roommates lets me in, and I take off my shoes and then knock on his door before entering. He's standing there with a suitcase open, packing a bag.
"Hayden," I ask closing the door behind me and peering into the bag which is primarily full of his hockey gear.
"Cassie, oh God sorry I meant to text you. It's been a hectic day," He says quickly shutting the bag as if he's hoping I don't see what's in it. I already saw it though. I think I already know.
"Hectic how," I ask concerned.
"This isn't how I wanted to tell you. God I have no idea how to tell you. I got a call from Toronto today. They have a contract for me."
"What do you mean," I ask excitedly, "That's great news, it's everything you've ever wanted. Are they having you fly out to sign the contract?"
"Kind of," he replies shuffling his feet around, giving me the feeling I don't have the full picture.
"What do you mean kind of," I ask.
"I'm flying out to sign the contract, and they want me to start playing immediately."
"That's crazy, what about school," I ask, "You have just a few months left, plus aren't they in the middle of their season right now?"
"It happens sometimes, they'll have guys join right after the NCAA season ends. And you know it's never been about school for me, I've always just been here to play hockey."
"So. So you're leaving then," I ask looking up at him, hoping I'm somehow reading the situation wrong, "Like you're not going to graduate, you're just going to move to Toronto right away?"
He looks away from me. This whole time he's been looking everywhere but directly at me, and now he won't even try to face me.
"Well, when the hell were you planning to tell me," I ask my voice Horace between tears and anger, "On the way to the airport or after you landed?"
"Cassie," he says, "No I was going to tell you I just wasn't sure how, I forgot we had plans tonight."
"Plans tonight," I say. "Plans tonight. You forgot we had plans tonight. Well what about the next few months, what about all our plans for then? You promised Hayden, you promised me."
"I'm. I'm so sorry," he says and I look up and notice the tears in his eyes too, "This isn't how I wanted this to happen, but this is my dream."
"Well, can't it wait," I ask, "Can't you ask them to wait till you finish college?"
He doesn't say anything and looks to the ground.
"You don't want it, do you? Did you even ask if you could wait till after school ended, or were you too excited about getting this contract that you didn't think for a second about us?"
"It's my dream," he says, and I'm almost shocked by the harshness in his tone, "What was I supposed to do? There's nothing else tying me here now that our season is over."
"What about love? I thought you loved me, and you didn't even try to stay, to get us at least a few more months."
"Don't do that," he says, tone still harsh, "Don't weaponize the fact that I love you. Nothing about that is changing, but you have to understand. This is all I've ever wanted, and I wanted it before I knew you, and it's all I'll have when those precious few months end Besides, you couldn't even say it back."
I'm silent for a moment, and I look at him, and my voice trembles, "Because I knew this would happen. I knew we wouldn't end up in the same city, and I knew saying it would make things so much worse. And look, you said it and now they are so much worse."
I completely break down crying, and as if forgetting that he's the reason. As if he's forgotten that we're in the middle of breaking up he reaches over and holds me, and I let myself collapse into him crying, and I hear him do the same.
"I guess we both knew this would happen eventually," he says after a while when I've gone down from completely falling apart to just lightly sniffling.
"I thought we had more time. You said..."
"I know," he says, "I thought we would. I never thought that they'd want me this soon," and the pride and excitement in his voice is undeniable which makes everything completely worse. For every sad and awful emotion that we're both feeling, he's getting his life dream fulfilled, and there's nothing sad about that for him.
I pull myself away from him, "I should go."
"Cassie, wait."
"What for," I ask, "We're done, Hayden. We both knew this was how it would happen, just not when. It's better this way. You can go start your life in Toronto, and then I'll have mine in Boston or something."
"Boston," he asks, "Did you hear back from MIT?"
I nod, and sniffle slightly "I haven't decided yet, but yeah."
"That's amazing, Congratulations Cassie!" He sounds genuinely so happy and excited for me.
"At least this way we both got what we wanted," I say, reaching for the door.
"Wait, please maybe we could find a way to," he starts to say but I cut him off.
"No. You need to go play hockey, the best hockey of your life, and that's not going to happen if you're constantly thinking about me back here in Seaport, or eventually probably Boston. And I need to, once I'm there be fully focused on grad school and my research. There is no way for us to really have it all, something has to give."
He sighs, and I know he understands, "I just wish it didn't have to be us."
"I know," I say, sniffling again, "Me too."
"You were a really good girlfriend, Cassie Bennet."
I stifle a smile, "You were the best boyfriend Hayden West. I think it's best if we don't talk though, at least for a little while, unless it's important."
"Okay," he says, looking too exhausted to argue. I almost wish he would. I wish he would argue and fight for me, and for us. But he won't because he knows everything I'm saying is right. We'd both be miserable trying to navigate a long-distance relationship on top of everything else, we'd struggle to make friends because we'd always be trying to Facetime or text someone thousands of miles away with a different life, and we'd grow to resent each other. At least this way, we can never resent one another.
"Hayden," I say quickly before closing his door, and he looks up, ever so slightly hopeful, "Good luck in Toronto, I'm really proud of you."
With that, I slip on my shoes and take one last glance at this apartment I once dreaded coming to, one that I'm now sad to say I'll probably never go in again. I manage to make it all the way to my car, and then all the way to my apartment without crying, but the second I walk into our apartment, carrying the ingredients for a meal we'll never share together I break down and cry.