"You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." —The Fault in Our Stars
"Well, whatever happens, I'm proud of you," I tell Hayden from his bed. I spent the night with him last night, and while I was asleep he went on a run and is now doing sit-ups on the floor. I thought he was working hard before they made it to their big tournament, but he's somehow working even more now.
"Thanks," he says, breathing heavily. He does four more sit-ups, then stops, "I think we have a decent shot. We've been tweaking a few things in practice this week, and I've been working with all the guys individually again."
"I know, I'm surprised you managed to find time for us to get together between class and hockey."
He laughs, "I've been to class maybe twice since the playoffs started Cas. I'm just focused on hockey right now."
I think I make a face somewhere between shocked and surprised because he immediately follows it with, "Don't worry I'm still passing everything. Gotta be passing to be eligible to play."
"That explains it," I reply shaking my head, "If I missed even a quarter as much class as you do I think I'd fail all my classes."
"That's because your classes are hard. I'm pretty sure anyone could pass, whatever my business classes even are."
"The fact that you don't even know the name of your classes is mind-boggling."
He laughs, "The fact that you go to every class is mind-boggling." Then he stands up, and his expression changes, "I'm gonna take a quick shower before heading out if you'd like to join me?"
I raise an eyebrow, "If I'd like to join you, what kind of question is that? I'll join you in a sec, I don't think my nose could take getting that close to you right now."
"Do I really smell that bad," he asks, lifting his arm up and sniffing it. Then shrugging.
"I mean it's not as bad as you smell right after a game," I reply trying to put a positive spin on it. I love dating him, but the less glamorous side of dating an athlete is sweat smells. I see all these cute pictures online of girls celebrating with their boyfriends after a big win, and you can just tell the guy is so sweaty. I don't know how they do it, I really like Hayden, but the post-hockey smell is not it.
I follow him into the bathroom, and after he's been in the shower for a solid minute to wash the initial sweat off, I get in and join him, and he immediately pulls me in for a kiss.
I never thought I was a shower-sex kind of person, with Steven at least I never was. It wasn't the sort of thing he and I ever would've thought to do, but with Hayden, it's something we've started doing semi-regularly. It feels so intimate to shower with someone, and sometimes he lets me shampoo his hair, and there's nothing more satisfying than running my fingers through his hair. Sometimes we don't even have sex, we just shower together, and it's nice. He never fails to somehow do something that just makes me laugh for no reason. It sounds silly, but I like getting to laugh in the shower.
I've always been pretty neutral about showering, it's nice when you're taking it but getting in and getting out is never fun. I'd never really thought much about it, or making it fun, but showering with him is just fun, for more reasons than one...
As we get dressed after one hell of a shower, I ask Hayden the question I always dread asking him, "So will I see you again before your next game?"
He grimaces, "I want to say yes, but we leave in two days, and I have to..."
I don't let him finish, "Hayden, this is just the most important game of your life, or so you've told me. Don't sweat it, but as soon as that championship is yours and you're not doing hockey 24/7 I'd like a little bit of your time."
"Oh trust me, you'll get it," he replies grinning, "I've had some thoughts on how we could celebrate the championship."
"I have too," I reply coyly.
"Really, care to share."
"No. You'll just have to win to find out."
"And if we don't win?"
"You will."
He makes eye contact with me, looking deeply sincere, "Thank you."
"For what? Stating a fact," I reply keeping my tone light. I might not know shit about hockey, but I know that there's no way anyone else is working as hard as my man is to win this game. I don't think he's thought about anything other than hockey and these games in weeks. He's watched more play footage than I knew existed, and spent more time working out than I thought possible. While nothing is for sure, they've got this. I know they do.
He walks me to class, and we say goodbye, knowing we'll probably just be talking through Facetime and text until after the championship games are over. I've been watching as many of the games as I can online, and I know they're having a watch party in the gym here for the next two games. I'll be going, but I'm not great at watching hockey. If Hayden's on the ice I just spend the entire time watching him and have no idea where the puck is otherwise. I wouldn't change a thing about it though, except maybe having the camera follow him the whole time, nobody else would probably like that though.
He texts me when they land in St. Louis, and even though their first game isn't for another day, and I'm in lab I get nervous and excited all at once. I can't imagine how the team must feel if I'm getting intense about it. It's silly, but seeing Hayden work so hard for this makes me feel like I've got some sort of stake in it all, and I guess in a way I do.
"Girl, you look stressed," Reva says to me as she walks into the lab, I think she just got out of class, "Is it MIT? Have they still not released their decisions?"
"Ugh no don't remind me, I've been saying it's any day now for weeks," I respond, "I'm just thinking about Hayden and how big this game is for him."
"Oh right the big hockey thing is this weekend," she replies. Reva knows about as much about hockey as I do, probably less actually since she's not dating a hockey boy.
"Yeah, they just landed in St. Louis for it. I wish the game was here so I could go watch, it's so much more stressful watching it on TV."
"Girl please, you just want to be able to stare at Hayden the whole time, and that's easier in person," she says as she sits down at the computer next to me and starts working.
"Okay true, but can you blame me?"
"Not at all, those boys at your Thanksgiving thing were so fine. It's a crime that more Indian boys don't play hockey."
"That one really good soccer player is Indian right, I feel like I've seen posters of him around campus."
"Oh yeah, Amit. He's gone to a few ISA meetings, but I think he has a boyfriend besides hockey is objectively a hotter sport."
"Agreed, hockey is a really hot sport, but I might just think that because I'm dating a hockey player."
"Oh no, hockey is one of the hottest sports. My roommate and I got high and debated it a few weekends ago and were stuck between hockey and basketball being the hottest sports someone can play."
"Oh yeah basketball guys can be cute, they're almost too tall though. I mean I'm like 5'7 and I feel like I'd still look too short next to them."
"That's what I'm saying, I always cringe when I see couples with too big of a height difference, that's why hockey won, they're on average shorter without being too short."
"Maybe that's the research we should be doing, instead of this," I reply giggling as we get back to work on the data we're analyzing. It's been really nice having Reva on the research team, and when we're not totally distracted objectifying male sports, we can be pretty productive together. She's also planning to apply to grad school eventually, and I have no doubt she's going to end up somewhere good.
As I'm walking back from lab later in the afternoon, my phone buzzes with an email notification from MIT. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk, halfway between school and my apartment and just stand there for a minute.
This email holds my entire future, not to be dramatic or anything. I'm almost sick thinking about the contents of it. I need to prepare myself for the worst, so many people apply to this program, and it's nearly impossible to get into. Even with the in I had after meeting with Professor Fowler, there's no guarantee that was enough to set me apart. Everyone applying probably had near-perfect GPAs, good internships, and research experience. Even if I don't get in, I've still gotten into other really good schools. MIT would be everything, but if I don't get in that's still okay, I'll still be okay.
I don't move. I don't know how long I stand there for, on the edge of the sidewalk staring at the little notification on my phone knowing I should open it. I need to open it, but when I open it, it becomes real. When I check my application status I'll know, and while it'll be freeing to not have the weight of the decision anymore, it'll be heartbreaking if I don't get in.
A part of me wants to wait, open it when Hayden's back so he can comfort me when I don't get in, or celebrate with me on the off chance that I do. I hate that part of me, that part that wants someone to hold my hand through the process. Hayden's not here, he's in St. Louis, and he's not going to be here, for any of it. Wherever I end up going, he won't be a part of that journey. That thought alone is almost enough to get me to start crying.
It's kind of crazy to think about it, the weight of the world is in my hands. Okay, that's definitely too dramatic, but it's still such a big thing and it's just there in the form of an email on my phone, I'll open it and either see "congratulations," or "I regret to inform you." I've seen both before from a number of schools, it's just a school.
I tell myself that as I open my phone to click on the email, which takes me to the admissions portal, it's just a school. Yeah, it's a really good school, but it's just a school, and it doesn't define me as a person. Right? I'm still a kick-ass astrophysicist with or without this program.
I take a deep breath as I finish typing in my password, and hit enter. I'm half tempted to close my eyes, but know I've avoided looking for long enough as it is, I've probably been standing here for fifteen minutes just thinking about opening it.
I whisper the words to myself in disbelief, "Dear Cassie, On behalf of the admissions committee, it is my pleasure to welcome you to," I stop reading and let out a shriek, probably alarming all the houses around me.
I'm completely in disbelief, I got in. I fucking got in. I'm going to MIT. I'm going to graduate school at MIT. I'm going to be doing research with Doctor Fowler I did it. It paid off, all the nights spent studying, and all the hours poured into research and internships, and applications. I just got into one of the best programs in the world.
I scream again in celebration as I all but start skipping home, I just got into MIT. I could cry. I'm honestly surprised I'm not crying. I pull out my phone to call Hayden and share the good news with him, hitting the Facetime button knowing I'll probably burst out crying as I share it with someone. I got into MIT, god I can't believe it.
The phone rings, and rings, and rings. Then it stops. The takes the smile off my face, but just for a second. He's probably doing important hockey things and will call me back later. As expected, my phone buzzes a few minutes later.
Hayden West: Hey, sorry I gotta focus right now. We can talk after the championship game.
I sigh, I knew he'd get into hockey mode while on this trip, and forget about everything else, but this is such a big thing for me. I want to share it with him so badly.
Cassie West: That's okay, good luck I'll be cheering you on and can't wait to see you when you're back.
I might not be able to share the news right away, but it'll be better to tell him in person. He'll come back as a national champion, and I'll tell him about my MIT acceptance, and we'll both have gotten everything we wanted. The ultimate power couple.
As soon as I get back to the apartment, I gather the girls into the living room, "You guys, I would like you to be the first to know that I JUST GOT INTO MIT," I shout.
"OHMYGOD," Alyssa practically screams.
"I knew you could do it," Lyra says, running into her room, then coming back out with a bottle of champagne, "I was prepared.
We all laugh, and Adri grabs us glasses from the kitchen and we fill them to toast.
"So does that mean you'll be in Boston next year," Lyra asks smiling.
I smile, "Probably, I'm going to wait till I've heard back from everywhere, but unless somewhere offers me just amazing financial aid, MIT is the move. If I'm going to be in debt anyways, it might as well be with a degree from a top school."
"Preach," Lyra calls out in response, understanding better than anyone how expensive these schools are. I'm lucky, I've gotten a few scholarships already, and I haven't opened the aide package yet, I should get a decent amount of aid from MIT if I go there, but it still won't be enough to cover everything. I accepted a long time ago that I'd be in debt after finishing school. I'm at Seaport on an academic scholarship, so I at least don't have any undergrad loans to put grad school loans on top of.
"I guess that means we're all for sure not going to be in Washington next year," Alyssa says somewhat glumly, "A few girls' trips to Boston could be fun though!"
"Oh for sure," I reply smiling at the thought of them all visiting me in whatever tiny apartment I'm able to afford for next year, "And you know I'll do my best to come back and visit whenever I can wherever I end up."
"Now it's just me that has to make a decision," Alyssa replies. She's heard back from everywhere she applied to and is stuck between UW because it's close and she'd be near Lyra and Adri, and a school in Texas that's farther away, but offered her really good financial aid. She's one of the more indecisive people I know, so I have a feeling it'll take her a bit to decide.
"Hey MIT isn't for sure yet, I'm still waiting on two more schools, and there's a lot of different factors to consider."
"No way in hell, look at that smile, you're going to MIT," Alyssa replies, grinning.
I shake my head, but can't take the smile off my face. It hasn't left since I opened the email. I'll look into all the factors, and the financial aid package tomorrow, but tonight I'm going to celebrate with my girls. I got into my dream school. It feels so surreal. I actually did it.