The day's events had left me emotionally exhausted and I opted out of dinner altogether much to Padme's dismay. Instead, I had hidden away within the recesses of my bedchamber before eventually retiring to the solitude of the living room. It was quiet and no one would disturb me here. A sigh escaped my mouth for the fifth time in the hour I had been sitting here on the sofa, my eyes glued to the fire crackling in the grate. What had I been thinking? Almost letting him kiss me like that? I'd gotten in way over my head here with Anakin.
It was never meant to be like this, it was supposed to be a simple mission. I was never supposed to develop an attachment...and certainly not to a fellow Jedi, my very own best friend.
Obi-Wan's self-righteous voice rang in my head like a bell.
"You've made a commitment to the Jedi Order, a commitment not easily broken..."
Although the words then had been meant for Anakin, they now applied to the both of us in a far different manner than I had ever thought possible. Yet...how did Anakin truly feel about me? He desired me, I knew that much. But desire only went so far. Many a human and alien alike had desired me but none had ever taken a true interest in me, truly knew me as Anakin did. Rolling my eyes at my own stupid chain of thoughts, I scoffed at myself. What was I even thinking? No matter if he did feel something deeper for me, neither of us could pursue it.
As always, I sensed him before I heard him. But unlike all the other times, I refused to acknowledge his presence. He lingered in the doorway, unmoving, as he waited for me to speak. Minutes passed before finally, he was the one to break the silence.
"Jet...why have you been avoiding me?" he asked the question bluntly, his tone low despite the fact that Padme had retired for the night long ago.
Still staring into the dancing amber flames, I replied quietly, "You know why..."
"You've walked away from me twice," he stated.
"You've tried to kiss me twice." I shot back, keeping my voice as emotionless as possible.
Anakin let out a nearly inaudible sigh before slowly walking over to the crimson sofa, sinking down into the velvet cushions beside me. I thanked my lucky stars I was wearing my usual Jedi tunic once again and hadn't accepted Padme's earlier offer of yet another of her gorgeous gowns. Otherwise, my skin might be touching Anakin's right now due to his nearness - I couldn't handle that. As it was, I could feel the heat from his body and it was...intoxicating.
"From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you, Jetta," his voice was soft in the stillness as he took a breath before continuing, "...and now that I'm with you again, I'm in agony... The closer I get to you, the worse it gets..."
Slowly, I shifted in my seat to create a few inches of distance from him. It didn't help, however, that I was feeling the exact same way as he was... A sigh escaped his mouth as he shook his head, anxiety clear in his expression.
"...but everything has changed. At least it has for me. For so long, I thought I was in love with Padme...but the whole time...I've been in love with you, Jetta,"
A sharp gasp ripped from my throat and my chest heaved with the impact of this emotional revelation. Turning my wide brown eyes on him, shock coursed through me. How could this be?
"I...I don't, um...I don't know what to say... How long have you known this?" I stumbled over my words, settling on a question.
He bit his lip in thought, causing a tsunami of butterflies to erupt in my stomach at the simple action. His cerulean eyes flicked to mine in the dark of the night.
"I began to notice it after that bounty hunter tried to attack you in the nightclub on Coruscant. The idea of you being killed, I..." he shook his head then, unable to finish that thought, "I tried to forget it, move past it and just focus on Padme but...the more I'm around you, the more I feel. And I can't stop it, Jet. The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kisses we almost shared. My heart is beating, hoping these moments we've spent together will not become a scar... You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What can I do, Jet? I will do anything that you ask... If you are suffering as much as I am, Jetta, please tell me."
The logs on the fire flamed brightly in the darkened room, highlighting his features - deep ocean eyes, full pink lips, and the light flush of determination on his cheeks - in such a way that made me want him all the more. And as Anakin's declarations of love sank in, that he felt as deeply for me as I did him, I couldn't hold back any longer. Just like the logs in the hearth, my heart caught fire. Suddenly, my lips crashed into his in a force of passion. He didn't hesitate in responding, his lips as soft as the inside of a millaflower and as warm as the sun on my skin.
Breathing heavily, we broke away for just a moment and gazed into each others' eyes, almost as if asking permission to do it again. But Anakin was the one to take the initiative and once more, I found my lips attached to his in the most pleasing way. My arms locked around his neck this time, his hands roughly pulling me flush against him while I ran my fingers through the soft strands of his short blond hair. The warmth and solidity of him sent shivers racing up my spine at the contact, my hands roaming the contours of his body as he kissed with a fervency unparalleled.
I had been kissed many times before but never like this, never with such unbridled passion. The way his mouth felt on mine, the touch of his hands, the heat of his body - it was like electricity, it felt so right. Gently, he pushed me back onto the sofa as he left a trail of butterfly kisses from my jawline and down my neck that left me gasping. When his mouth finally made it back to my own, his lips were parted and his tongue begged for entry that I willingly gave. He tasted like honey and chocolate and I couldn't help but want more, more, more. With our tongues dancing, our hearts beating as one, in that one infinitesimal moment, it was like all the puzzle pieces fell into place.
Anakin was the one I had always wanted, I knew that now. And he would always be the one I wanted most in this galaxy. No one could compare. His fingers slid through my dark locks in a gentle caress then.
"Oh, Anakin..." I moaned softly between kisses, my voice just above a whisper.
My hands slid down his back and over his utility belt before the cool metal of his lightsaber pressed against my skin. I flinched slightly at the contact and suddenly, the realization of what we were doing hit me all at once. Ripping myself away from the kiss, I pushed him back roughly before stumbling across the room as far as I could get.
I gasped, shaking my head as I repeated over and over, "Oh, no. No, no, no, no... I should never have done that..."
"Jetta, please..." Anakin began and I spun on my heel to face him.
I was met with the sight of his blond hair disheveled, cheeks flushed, and perfect pink lips kiss-swollen.
I sighed, eyes fluttering shut briefly before shaking my head once again, "Ani, we can't. It's not possible and you know that. We're both studying to become Jedi Knights. We'd be breaking an oath we both swore long ago. We'd lose everything we've worked so hard for. And when the Jedi would find out about us, they wouldn't care about how we feel. We would be cast out as exiles and ostracized all because we couldn't control our own hormones,"
My words were harsh and uncompromising, I knew, but they were the truth. Looking at the crestfallen expression on his face, I softened slightly, "We were destined to be Jedi. I will not let you give up your future for me, Ani. And I know you wouldn't ask it of me either,"
Just the thought itself made me recoil internally. I couldn't let Anakin break that one sacred Jedi oath for me. He had already given up everything he knew - both his home planet as well as his mother - for this opportunity. And as for myself, the Jedi life was all I knew apart from a handful of vague memories of parents I had not been fated to know.
Slowly, Anakin stood up from his seat on the sofa, "But you are asking me to be rational. That is something I know I cannot do. Believe me, I wish that I could just wish away my feelings... but I can't,"
I was silent a moment before finally, I sighed, "I'm sorry, Anakin. But I will not give into you, not this time. This is taboo and you know it."
Nodding slightly, he began to walk away before hesitating at the threshold of parted crimson curtains, "Well, you know, it...wouldn't have to be that way...we could keep it a secret,"
His words were tempting, like a drugdealer soliciting deathsticks at a nightclub. But as inviting as the offer was, I knew we couldn't keep that secret forever. If I had been another girl in another life, perhaps it would have worked out. But we were both Force-sensitive, someone would notice eventually.
"We'd be living a lie - one we couldn't keep even if we wanted to," I spread my hands in a helpless gesture before letting them fall to my sides, "You know I couldn't do that. Could you, Anakin? Tell me, could you really live like that?"
Anakin was silent as he watched me and for a moment, I thought he wouldn't dignify the question with an answer but he replied seconds later, "...No, you're right. It would destroy us."
But I could see from the look on his face that he was heartbroken and angry at my rejection. I remained standing beside the fire as he turned to leave, the tap of his boots on the tile eventually receding into the distance. And when I was finally alone, it was like a dam broke. All the tears pent up inside me at the agony of telling the love of my life that I didn't want this, didn't want him, came rushing out in a tidal wave. I fell to my knees sobbing, my chest heaving as hot tears made tracks down my cheeks.
I wish now that I had never accepted this mission, that I had fought the Council on this assignment. Because if I had, I would still be in Coruscant right now. If I had, I would never have experienced the anguish and intensity of loving Anakin Skywalker.