Chapter Forty-Three
Whatever I have with him, I don't want to lose it. Ever.
× ANANYA ×
"You should go, it's your best friend's wedding" I wiped my cheeks once again breaking the silence till now by the the end of my saree.
After my breakdown, I asked him to leave after telling him that I was okay now, but he chose to sit with me on the footpath of a road where once in a while the vehicles were moving.
Because of the silent but cold breeze of the night and our comfortable silence till now, the noise of the leaves moving softly and brushing against each other as if having their chemistry amongst them was clearly heard.
"Let's stay here in silence for a little longer" He replied and I could feel his gaze on me.
The way this man has been here for me, sitting beside me on the footpath without any shame or hesitation. He was missing out on his best friend's wedding for me, just to sit here with me in silence. We weren't speaking a word till now, but the silence spoke too much.
He is teaching me to sit, hear, and enjoy the silence with him. Which I could never do, because if not the world then the voices in my head can never go silent. But today, it felt like they vanished for a moment, I wasn't thinking anything for a while.
And now I felt like I was a step ahead in knowing him after I realized that to him, the outer world's noise doesn't matter, like the way he didn't wish to take a stand for himself, or me, it was because he was fighting his own battle inside his head while staying in the silence.
He won't fight with the world because he was fighting with himself the whole time.
The one observation made so much sense to me. He never took a stand for me when someone he knew told me something, yes, but when the other person is someone he doesn't know, he speaks for me. Like that time when Ria said things about me, he spoke. Even the first day we met again, a few months back, he spoke for me to that 'You don't know me' guy.
In Bua's case, right after she said something about me, he didn't speak but his actions did. He was there with me for the whole time after that, trying to lift my mood, cracking silly jokes, or letting it be lame flirting.
He has his way of showing and being there. Which is silent, just like the noise of the leaves right now. We can only hear them in the silence. Just like that, his efforts are also very silent, which can only be seen if you focus and try hard, especially if you want to.
"You don't have any questions?" I thought that he would ask me something regarding my parents, or why I ran away or anything. But he did not bring up the topic ever.
"Regarding what?" He questioned back.
"Regarding everything that happened back there. Or anything, in your mind" I looked at him who was looking at random things and not something fixed.
"Who am I to question you? Everyone has problems, I know you'll tell me when you are comfortable in doing so. I'd rather wait than ask you" I was astonished at this statement of his.
Only someone who wants people to understand them in the same way as them is this understanding.
"My father was always toxic and orthodox was his first meal of the day. For him, the one person important in the world was him. Second was Amar bhai. I don't have much to say about my father because we never spent time together, it was like someone had taught me that this was your father. Single one of his actions could never prove it, he felt like a mere stranger living in the same house as mine." I said recalling the days when I stayed at that place, I couldn't even call it a home because it wasn't one for me.
"I never got to know him, but the day 10-year-old Ananya saw him hitting my mother for a very small thing, she knew he was not a good person. He was bad. That's it. After that day, the bruises on my mother's arms suddenly made sense, her vocal cords getting lost amongst the raised voice of my father started to make sense. Amar bhai was used to this, but he was a coward so he wouldn't interrupt, and when he did, he was directly sent to Canada." On reminiscing that day, goosebumps aroused all over my arms and I felt cold all of a sudden.
It might be very small to what others face but as a kid seeing your mother hiding the scars your father gave her was traumatizing.
What if I ended up just like her?
Layering a coat of makeup on my scars, and bruises which you get after making a silly mistake and still not speaking a word for yourself. Your face has constant emotion and your body getting used to the 'love' your husband was giving you. And having kids at the age of 19 would be trouble for you and trauma for them.
"He was so toxic. Why would you do t-that to your wife? " After the words left his mouth, his mouth hung open. He had every reason to be so shocked because the relationship his parents share is one of the purest things I've witnessed.
His childhood would be so good at least in terms of parents and family.
"You didn't even hear what the wife did to protect her toxic husband yet" I replied to his statement and then continued, "After a year of handling this bullshit of my father, one day when I saw a vase in his hand raised in the air and my mother sitting on the floor trying to protect her head from her hands, my patience and tolerance was over. I stepped in between the fight and tried to stop my father and said some things to them, bad things. That day I tried to threaten my father that I'll call the police and my mother slapped me only because I tried to protect her."
I laughed remembering the day and wiped a tear which came for the first time after I started narrating the story and turned my head in the direction where Sahil was sitting to catch his reaction. It was the ultimate shock with a gist of acceptance.
"I don't know what to say. I don't know. How did you handle this, especially when you were just a child?" He asked and his face had that one pity emotion for me which I disliked.
"Time is the best teacher" I quoted and lifted my shoulders lightly, shrugging.
"Also from that day, I stopped talking with my mom, only important talks. Despite having a family, I had none. Despite having people around me, I was alone. I had set it in my mind that I was not going to be like my mother, I had decided that I'll leave. I started preparing for my scholarships because I was well aware of the fact that one day, suddenly my dad was going to announce with whom and when am I getting married. And it happened." And I closed the chapter of my story which I'm never looking back at again.
"Why did you not leave earlier?" He asked me and I chuckled at his question.
"You'll find it silly" I replied.
"Try me"
"I want to crush his ego. I wanted to disrespect him in front of everyone. I wanted him to feel ashamed and keep his head down. And I was so happy it happened because of me. I pretended that I was happily getting married to the oldie he selected for me, meanwhile, I kept planning on what jobs I was going to do after I left. Even my father would have this question why does her rebellious daughter agree to something he had said, but he let it go? The day of marriage came, and I left right after the baarat came. The groom waited for a bride who was never gonna show up" I answered his question.
I'm sharing this with someone after a very long time, the last time I shared this with Kirti, I was in tears by the end of it and now, it doesn't affect me that much. That makes me proud.
"You are really strong, Ananya!" He exclaimed and licked his dry lips. I knew he needed some time to digest the information I gave him.
"I wasn't. I made myself." I replied with a small smile which instantly was replaced by my lips alloting in a straight line. Sometimes I think what did I do by being strong? Because anyway I lost everyone.
Once again the silence was overtaking our words, he was thinking something regarding what I had said, I could figure it out by his expression.
"What if you didn't leave on the day of your marriage?" He asked, his voice sounding a bit scared, don't know what for.
"Um, then I would be attending this wedding with my husband and a three-year-old child and another one inside my stomach already, instead of sitting here with you," I said imagining the consequences and thanked myself for not choosing to be dumb.
"Thank God, you left!" He muttered and left a sigh, shaking his head while dusting off his thoughts. I let out an inaudible chuckle while my gaze fixed on him.
"But sometimes I wonder if what I did was incorrect. I mean at least I would have a namesake family. Right now, in the name of family, I have Kirti and I'm thankful, but at the end of the day no one can replace parents, if you understand." I brought my knees closer to my body and wrapped my hands around them.
"You have us, Amar?" He said and I laughed after hearing my brother's name.
Eventually, he left too.
"Amar bhai just gave me false hope and left. Or more like it was me who expected something from him, which was wrong. Obviously," I took a deep breath and left it out slowly at the loss of my words.
I had no explanation regarding Amar bhai, he never said that he'll stay I just thought that he would.
"Never mind, it's okay. I'm used to this now, rather thankful for having Kirti, You, Vivian, and everyone." I nervously played with the end of my pallu while trying to distract myself and putting my whole concentration there.
"Can I ask you a question?" He asked and I passed him a quick nod to let him continue further. "How did you manage everything alone in a new place?"
That question was the most asked one to me, every time I hear it, my eyes get glossy, and tears brimming out of them in an instant. I won't say it was easy, because it was not.
Staying alone in a house, in a very new place was at the cost of losing your sleep. Most of the time I was Paranoid at the start.
"It was hard at the start. The chores and work were manageable for once because the scholarship paid for my studies now I just had to make money for a living. You know, at a point I used to have five jobs in total. One ends, the other starts, then my college, then after going to the place I used to live in, I used to teach the kids, then I guess, something was online so I had to give two hours to that and then at night there was this last job at a cafe, I still remember it was so hard to get that but yes I did it anyway. I did not have one promising job so I kept switching."
"Don't look at me like that, it wasn't that bad" I said with a smile on my face to control myself from crying again. The look which he was giving me at this moment was unexplainable.
"The bad thing was the emotions, I always had a fear in my mind, what if someone was there? And when I overcame that by staying in a girl's hostel, the days which were very painful to me were the vacations. Each one of your friends returning to their home when you had none, that was bad, I agree..." I trailed off and my brows furrowed automatically when I spared a glance towards him.
"Oh my my, why are you crying?" I held his face with both of my hands softly and asked with a gasp. He wiped his right eye before the tear came out and hugged me instantly.
It took me some time to reciprocate but I put my hands around his neck bringing him closer. I felt a drop, which I guessed was his tear on my collarbone but I didn't say a word about it but just closed my eyes to feel the hug better.
When I say, this man is sensitive I mean it. I don't call him Mr softie without a reason.
I smiled in between the hug for no particular reason. Whatever I have with him, I don't want to lose it. Ever.
The hug was so comforting for me, it was like his actions reassuring me that he was there. He will be there. Always and forever.
"I'm not exaggerating when I say you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. With a heart very rare and soft. I'll not let anyone break it, again." He said and inhaled deeply before breaking the hug.
Hearing this from someone felt like a dream coming true. All I've always wished for is some reassurance because a person like me who overthinks a lot, I need it. And honestly, it felt so good when I got it.
It felt as if the racing thoughts which were running on a loop reached their full stop, a pause for a second.
We sat there for another five minutes, looking at the sky filled with clouds, trees filled with leaves, and our minds filled with emotions. In between, we didn't miss stealing a glance at each other and getting caught turning our heads again.
Even a silence with this man speaks more than conversations with others. Even a forever with others feels like just a moment with this man. A single eye contact with him makes me want to lose my sanity. For eternity.
"Let's go, now?" I asked him because I knew he would not. And I don't want him to miss Abhinav's wedding because of him.
"Okay," he replied and we both stood up dusting the dust from our clothes.
Sitting on the footpath and talking to someone special was far better than sitting in expensive restaurants with others.
And these small acts and gestures of his, are making me fall for him. Ever harder, stronger, and for forever.
"Thank you for today," he shook his head lightly at my words.
"No need. I just hope it made you feel better?" He was hesitant but he asked.
"It did." I smiled.
"Ananya, I'm always there for you. I might not take a 'stand' for you because I know you are capable enough to do that for yourself, but I'll be always standing beside you. That is my way to show my love to my people" I nodded at his words with a soft smile, my eyes fixed on his who had a strange emotion. We were taking slow steps, while walking and in our friendship too.
He added further, " And this might be the first and last time I had to tell you this, because the next time, I won't have to speak, but my actions will. And I'm not leaving you, not today, not tomorrow, never."
"What do you think, I'll leave your back this soon. I'm irritating you forever by calling you Mr Softie and Panda." I winked at him teasingly only to get his heartwarming smile in return.
Our bodies might be walking at a distance from each other but our eyes were stuck to each other's, not ready to blink, not ready to look somewhere else. Our hands were lightly brushing as if wanting to hold each other but scared to do the same. Because if they found their embrace once, they would not want to leave it again.
🦋
"Haye, you are looking so beautiful, Gaytri" I heard Sahil's mom saying. I turned around hearing her voice, only to find her standing alone and complimenting herself. It was the Abhinav-Aditi's reception today.
I laughed at her cute behavior and went towards her, side-hugging her, she kept a hand on my cheek lovingly in response. "Indeed. You look very pretty, Aunty"
"Finally someone noticed me, or else both of my sons were busy staring at their girls" I chuckled at her answer and her sons immediately turned their gaze to her.
"You always look so beautiful, how can I compliment you only today? That would be unfair" Sahil said and hugged her from the other side. I made a face and mouthed him, 'Copycat' to which he just rolled his eyes.
"Then do it every day" Aunty shrugged and I removed my arms from around her only to find Uncle walking towards us.
"No, No one except me can appreciate my wife's beauty every day. Only I have that right, mind that." He said and winked at Aunty narrowing her eyes.
"Then why did you not do it today?" She asked with her hands folded.
"Because she looked so beautiful that I was at a loss of words. Words refused to come out from my mouth, they were like 'Oh my god, Gayatri ji, ki beauty ke aage koi bol sakta hai kya?' so I didn't." Uncle said dramatically and I looked at them adoringly.
[Can anyone speak in front of Gayatri's beauty?]
"Haan Haan, karlo cover up. Aaye bade" She waved her hand dismissively and turned her head sideways indicating that she was angry.
[Yes, yes, cover it up now.]
"I'm with you, Aunty," I said with a lot of enthusiasm.
"Aunty kya hota hai? Sasu maa bolo" She said intentionally in a dominating voice with a look of arrogance on her face.
[What is this Aunty? Call me Mother-in-Law.]
You'll blame me for no reason, She is the real drama queen.
I noticed Vivian silently lost in his thoughts. It was very strange that Vivian didn't speak a word till now.
"Oye, Vivian. What happened?" I asked him slapping his arm lightly. He shook his head in a deep thought.
"What will happen to me? I, I just zoned out." He said and a smile was back on his face but it seemed fake.
"By the way, SahAnya," Vivian started and it took me some minutes to understand the meaning. I cringed at the ship's name.
" SahAnya? Seriously? That's all you could think of?" The disappointment in my voice was visible.
"Y'all have bad names, what is my fault? And you ungrateful people, at least thank me that I made a ship name," he huffed.
"I like SahAnya" Sahil confessed and I looked at him strangely.
"Your choice is bad" I replied to his statement.
That word sounded so weird. Who would like it?
"Calling yourself bad, aren't you?" He asked with a smirk on his face and as soon as I registered his words, my cheeks turned crimson.
"Shut up." I smacked his arm.
"You both enjoy your last day together, from tomorrow both of you will die to see each other" Vivian interrupted and I looked at him with confusion-filled eyes.
"Why? What is happening tomorrow?" I asked.
"You are leaving tomorrow and Sahil bhai usually stays here for the new year and comes back to Mumbai in April, handling here's branch. So you love birds are separated." The smile on my face dropped and I looked at Sahil to confirm if Vivian ain't joking, and one nod from him gave me my answer.
"Oh shit, I forgot to inform you about this" He looked at me while speaking this and I just nodded.
"Obviously" I muttered and started walking away. A sudden wave of anger hit me after hearing Vivian.
I don't know if I was angry at him for not telling me, or just angry because he wouldn't be around.
"I'm sorry," Sahil quickly walked beside me while I increased my speed.
"It's okay" Finding nothing to say, I said this.
"Are you angry?" He asked and I shook my head.
"Why would I be angry? Anyway, today is the last day of us fake-dating. One and half months already passed, if you remember." I said and his mouth hung open for a while.
"Oh damn. Is it over already?" He questioned, I don't know whether to me or himself.
"Yes, Sir. These are the last few hours, after this, we are back to just friends." Because my speed constantly increasing, he held my hand and stopped me in my tracks in a corner.
"Are you happy?" He asked me looking at me directly while I avoided his gaze.
"About what?" I questioned looking at the pillar behind.
I did not want to look at him, call me silly but that was it.
"About this ending?" He asked and pressed my hands so that I look at him. When I didn't, he left my one hand only to find it making me look at him.
"What kind of question is that?" I asked back.
"Answer me. Are you happy?" I licked my lips, not knowing how to respond.
I was not happy. And I wished to tell him that.
But I'm not meeting him for months now. So I responded with something else.
"Yes, I'm very happy. Finally no more teasings from everyone, no more flirting and acting like what we are, friends." By the end of my statement, I found an expression a bit sad and hurt.
But even I was sad, he hadn't told me that we'd directly meet after months.
🦋
Am I going too slow??? I think I am but okay.
Anyways, reviews on the chapter?
The part/thing in the chapter which was best for you?
I was grinning like an idiot in between the chapters just cinematographically imagining the first half of the chapter in my mind.
The next chapter is going to have the part that I shared long back as an introduction to a new story. A small paragraph on my message board. I'm so excited.
Overall, something you don't like? Any criticism? Changes? Bad reviews? Negative things? Comment out your honest views today, please.
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Cya 🤝🏻