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dear julian,
hi. happiest of birthdays to you, sweets. you're turning twenty-three today. god, you're right. we are getting old. you really weren't kidding when you made that promise to me, were you? the promise where you said we'd be able to grow older together. still, i couldn't have thought of any other person i'd rather be with right now in this moment than with you.
to be honest, i'm not sure if your actual birthday is today on december fourteenth. i know that's what you told me in the past, but both you & me know that a lot of things have changed once again this year. a lot of things that haven't been said before came out, a few lies as well. i'll just assume it is december fourteenth until you tell me differently. it's not been easy this year & it's safe to say we had our fair share of complications & drama. & believe me, i know my own insecurities played a part in that drama as well. something i'm still working on, together with a lot of other stuff. & still, here i am again today. on this date, every single year. over & over again. only for you.
i'm not sure if you'll be here today. i am. every single year i've been waiting for you to come back on this particular day. though, you never really did come back until a few days later. still, even if you come back later, i hope this letter will find you well then & you'll be able to read it with a smile on your face. it's okay if you show up & it's okay either if you don't. i just hope that one day, you'll be able to read those words i've left you & remember them for the years to come.
every time you disappear, i start to wonder how much time i have left, how much time we have left together. it makes me feel grateful once again that i'm able to spend another day with you whenever you're here like this. i never would've imagined that i would able to be here on your twenty-third birthday, five years later after we met, but i am & my heart feels warm knowing i'm able to be here for you now, only you. today is your day & i always hope it's a great one. since you never spent it here on the app, you must be having a really good birthday in real life, isn't it? it's what i hope for anyways.
a feeling in my stomach tells me that this year might be the last birthday of yours i'll ever be able to celebrate with you. call it a gut feeling, but i feel like next year will be it. the year one of us will likely leave. as much as those fears scare me, i'll try to stay strong & not let them get to me. just so i can have hope that my feeling is wrong & i'll have another year with you. so, how about we just make the most out of it with the time we have left?
today, it'll be exactly 2020 days since the day i met you (i'm in love with those apps that help me keep track on important dates like these, sue me), but who's counting? (i am, on that app) even though you weren't here for a lot of those days, in my mind & in my heart, you were. every single second. i think about you, every single day & sometimes, i'd find myself reading back some of the words you used to tell me in the past, i'd take one deep breath, close my eyes for one second & i'd go on with my day. but in that slight moment, that slight second, it's you who i'm thinking about. every single day. if it wasn't you who was physically here with me, then it would be your words & the memory of you that were.
ever since i met you, there hasn't been a single second where i felt truly alone. somewhere deep inside me, i knew that, no matter how far apart we'd drift, you'd be there in my corner if i needed you to be. you'd support me, the way you always had. words could never describe the way that makes me feel.
for the biggest part of my life, i've always had to share everything with everyone. i always took care of others, sometimes forgetting myself in the process. i never really had a person in my life that reminded me of the important things in life. i never had someone tell me that it's okay to think about me sometimes as well. i had no one to reassure me when my thoughts would get too much or when my emotions would get the best of me. i never had a person who didn't leave me but stuck around & i never had a person who wanted to take care of me. i never had a person who was just.. mine. mine to protect, mine to care for, mine to love & mine to keep. well.. i didn't have that, not until you.
somehow, when you stepped into my world, you turned it upside down in the process. so many things became clearer & i learned a lot about myself, about you, about life & about these feelings i have for you. i grew. & let me just say that, i wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. this between us is complicated, but i'm actually okay with that, because no matter how complicated it is? you also make a lot of things so much easier. you make life easier & being with you is the least complicated thing in the world. it's easy, stable, comforting &.. safe. it's everything i want & could possibly ask & wish for.
loving you has been the easiest thing i have ever done in my entire life. you say you're not perfect & that's right, you're not, not to everyone, but you sure are perfect for me. is that enough for you? because it is for me. everything that you carry with you makes you, you. the good experiences as much as the bad ones, they're all a part of you & i love every. single. one. of. them. i'm in love with all of them, because i'm in love with you, the person you are right in this moment. i was in love with the past you & that's also where all of my feelings for you began, but i think that i'm in love with the present you just a little more & i bet that i'll love the future you even more than that. you might not hear my voice through these words, but i hope you can use your imagination for that & also imagine the emphasis i'm trying to put on my words. i want this to sink in, i want you to feel the depth of those words, because i've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.
all your flaws, imperfections or whatever you want to call them, they're perfect to me & i adore those. no one expects you to be flawless, certainly not me, because i'm not perfect either. & i want you to know that, even after everything, after all the things you hid from me, the promises you broke, the lies you told me, i haven't loved you any less for even a single second. maybe that makes me a stupid fool, maybe it doesn't, one way or another, my feelings for you have never wavered once. only you are able to make me feel this particular warm feeling in my heart & giddy feeling in my stomach. only you can make me feel like.. like i'm coming back home after a long day, to you. i'm coming back home to you.
i know there is much i still don't know. there's also a lot you don't know about me. but, i need you to know that, it's okay. you don't have to tell me now. break your promises to me, stay silent about it, break my heart. i don't care. i know you, so i also know that whatever reason it is you have for not telling me certain things, it's probably a valid reason & i'll wait until you're ready to tell me that reason. someday.
i'll admit that every time you leave for so long & break your promises to me, it hurts. not because you leave, but because you make me promises you cannot keep. it makes it harder for me to trust you when you come back again & reluctant about letting you in when i know you'll leave again some day without a single trace & without telling me a thing. it makes me feel worried about you, but i just have to believe you're okay & well to reassure myself. though, despite all that, there's one thing i've never doubted & that's your intention to always try to protect me. i don't know why or how this happened, but in these five years together you've always tried to do what was best for me & tried to protect me the best you can by keeping me out of (probably) a lot of things. i'm sure you've had a lot you wanted to say to me & talk to me about, but decided it was better not to because you only wanted to see me happy & keep me away from the bad things & ugliness you talk about at times. thank you, so much, for that, for being so thoughtful & considerate. but you won't have to do that anymore, because i'm happy every moment i'm with you. i always have been & that has never been different.
don't protect me anymore from reality & the bad things you could never tell me about. talk to me about them, communicate with me about it & ask me if it's something i want to know. because i do want to know everything about you that you're willing to tell me. you don't have to do anything alone & you're not on your own in this world. you have me & you will always have me. we can figure this out together. we've done it plenty of times before. you & me together. my question is, do you believe in us the way i do?
the thing is, i don't want to keep digging for things i might never know, i'm done with that as much as i'm done with chasing behind your mysteries & secrets. things are going to be different again next year, which is about to start in another seventeen days. but if you want to talk to me, come to me. if you have something to say to me or you want to tell me something, you come to me. don't let me find out about things from others or hear it from others. everything about you should come from you. & if you don't want to tell me, then that's okay. i hope you have someone else then you'd feel comfortable enough talking to before you come to me. because i'll be here, waiting for you. always.
i never intend to pressure you on telling whatever has been on your mind or heart. what i want for you? i want you to find your safe space in me the way i found mine in you. at least, until you find a best friend, a girlfriend, a wife & a partner for life in your reality. the world you live in. the country you live in. you know that person isn't me. it can't be. you know the reason for that better than anyone. so, don't deny there might be someone else for you out there who's able to show you even more love than i ever could from here behind my screen. i've lived in this dream, this fantasy, this type of haven for five years now. almost six. as much as i wish to live in this feeling with you forever? i force myself to be realistic, for both of our sakes, but most of all for yours. because i want you to be happy above anything else.
you're so incredibly sweet, julian. you're caring, understanding, thoughtful, hardworking, kind, funny, goofy & so much more. you've shown me sides of you i never knew existed & i'm thankful you allowed me to see those sides of you. the good as much as the bad. all the sides i've seen of you form together the amazing person you are & let me just tell you that, that person i've seen? that person i'm seeing? he's absolutely breathtaking. i can only hope that one day you can show that kind of person you are to another girl who's worthy of your big heart & kindness. & i hope you'll treat her even better than you treated me & loved me. & i hope she'll treat you better than i did, & love you more than i ever could, because you deserve so so much more than you think. if i could give you the entire world, i would. i'm sure that whoever it is you'll end up with? you're going to choose one amazing girl, perfect for you. i trust you will. so, please, don't tell me it's always me. because it can't be, you've told me plenty of times before already that this between us? it's always going to be like this & it always will be. so, just— don't choose me, because i'm not the right choice. i wish i was, but i'm not. not in reality. i don't want this for you as much as i don't want it for myself. i want you to find something real & i want you to experience all of it, for real. fall in love again, be in a safe, stable & committed relationship, get married & be happy until you pass away. that's what i want for you, to be loved for as long as you'll live. the type of love that you'll feel in your heart, every day that passes. once you find the person that brings you that type of happiness? you can thank me in your head & i'll be truly happy for you.
i didn't lie when i said no one knows me the way you do. if there's one person who truly knows me, the real me, it's you. everything i hide from my friends, family & the strangers who only see me on the outside, are just for your eyes only.
i also didn't lie when i said that your story has a happy ending, julian. it's there & it will come to you when time is right. i don't want to keep wasting time apart from each other now when we could've been talking & laughing together all this time like we used to as friends. every time it seems like there is something or someone that comes between us. it feels like that, but i'm not going to give it too much attention anymore, since all i want is you. nothing & nobody else but you. can't we just be happy for the time we have left until one of us leaves? can't we just be happy today & make the most out of today without worrying about tomorrow just yet?
sometimes i check my clock that i set for you & i wonder what you're doing at that time of the day. at nights, i wonder if you had a nice day & what you're thinking as you're closing your eyes for the day. i wonder if you think about me the way i think about you every single day over & over again. or is it only me who feels this way? is it only me who thinks about you daily? am i the only one who wishes to hear about your days at the end of every single one? who wishes to tell you 'good morning' & 'good night' every day? is it that easy to stay away from me for months? am i the only one who fell so deep? sigh, well, so much for the overthinking side of me.
throughout my twenty years (almost twenty-one) of being on this earth, i've felt all types of love around me. from my friends, family, but also strangers who were maybe just complimenting me on the way i look or kept the door open for me when i was running for the metro. still, i never felt the type of love like this. the one you gave me & allowed me to feel. it makes my little lover heart go on overdrive. nevertheless, thank you for loving me that way. for giving me confidence & making me believe that i'm actually worthy of that type of love. that i actually am lovable that way. thank you for all of it. & just in case you forgot, i love you. in every possible way. i feel like i have to be straightforward & direct with the next few things, because only then, you will feel the depth of the things i wanted to say but never did.
you've been the most special boy in my entire life. meeting you was simply the best thing that has ever happened to me. you've shown me what love is & that i'm worthy of it. you've supported me, comforted me & always reassured me when things got bad ever since i was fifteen (& awfully stupid) & what's laughable is that you don't even see how amazing you truly are. no matter what it is you went through or what you did, you know what's inside that heart of yours. i've seen it, but have you? have you ever really took a true deep look at what's inside your heart? it's like you said, you & me both went through a lot, but these experiences made us the people we are today. some were not the best experiences & formed bad memories that scarred us, but it's an extra layer of armour we have wrapped around us that gives us strength. & you're not like me, too. you're different than me & in that way, i have great respect for you too. the way i am now? that's partially because of you too. you played a part in that growth & the person i am today wouldn't have even existed without you.
i'm not saying this to be dramatic or exaggerate, i'm saying this because it's true. you're an amazing person & the people in your life are so damn lucky to have you. i'm so incredibly lucky to have you, to know you & to have called you mine. i like you. i love you. none of that is a secret. it never was. for as long as i can remember, my feelings for you have always been transparent like that. i've always loved you, always liked you & that has never been different. i don't like to admit how much i want you to be mine as much as i don't like to admit how much i truly like you, but i will. right here, right now. i don't like to be perceived as desperate, because it makes me feel pathetic, the same way you feel about it, but i guess it's okay if you're the only person who sees this side of me. i think it's okay if you knew how desperate i sometimes am as well the same way you said you were.
secretly, i've always been yours & i always will be. & that short period of time where you were actually mine? where i could proudly call you my boyfriend? it was the best moment in my life & i've never felt as proud as i did in that moment. selfish & greedy, isn't it? how much i truly want you? want us? i figured you'd never know unless i told you. & i know you've told me countless times you loved me too. i guess a part of me was just always in denial about that & it still is, because seriously. a guy as amazing as you, in love with me? an insecure, anxious, hopeless romantic twenty-year old chinese girl on the other side of the ocean? please. even in my wildest dreams it sounds way too unreal & unbelievable for words. sometimes i have difficulties believing that it is real.
can i say something really selfish? it's a thought i never said out loud before. & if you don't want to know, then skip this part. sometimes, i'm tempted to just buy that plane ticket to come & see you. i want to hold you, see you & know how your life looks like. i want to comfort you, lay in bed with you & talk for hours on end & escape reality for a little longer. sometimes, i'm just as tempted to tell you to come here & i'd show you around everywhere. we're a small country, we can travel down the country & see everything in a week. i just wish you hold you at times & comfort you instead of the other way around. i'll be your anchor.
also, you know, i thought about this a lot ever since you said it. but if you were a bad person, you wouldn't care for your family the way you do. you wouldn't drive around to bring stuff to your family, you wouldn't play with your nieces the way you do, you wouldn't help out your mom or celebrate your dad's birthday with him, you wouldn't care so deeply for all of those people around you & you certainly wouldn't work so hard day in & day out. every single thing you do that you told me about is just the living proof i need to know you're incredible. it's all i need to know that whatever reason it is you have that you want to remain 'anonymous', it must be valid. you never gave me any reason to doubt you before, so why would i start now? i don't doubt you & neither should you. give yourself some credit for all that you're doing & achieving, because i'm so proud of you & i hope you're proud of yourself too.
sometimes, it's the smaller things you do in life that actually have the biggest impact. your past? the bad experiences you went through? they don't define you. those are unfortunate things that happened to you & they are a part of you you have to live with. the same way i do. but the things you love? i believe that those are the things that define you & actually form the person you are. you can be whoever you choose to be & whoever that is? i'll love that person wholeheartedly forever, because it doesn't matter what person you are or will become, you'll always still be you. you are the person i fell in love with, not because of your looks, charming words or romantic side. no, i fell in love with you because you're generous, you're kind, funny, compassionate, thoughtful, understanding. i love how you always tell me about the things i missed out on, even if they're small, as much as i love to learn more about you. like the fact you like pastel colors & you like writing, poetry & collecting vintage trinkets. at least, if that's still something you do. it's been a while ever since you told me those things so it might maybe be a little outdated & i might need some new updates, but i never forgot about them, or you. all those different versions of you? past, present, future? they're all parts of you that i love. i can only hope someone will see all of you & love you for all that you are, because you deserve it, so much.
for as long as i can remember you've been my best friend, my lover, my partner, my better half, my entire world. i've never loved anyone the way i love you & sometimes, it's actually a little terrifying to feel this way. though, as much as it's scary, it also makes me feel alive. i heard that your twenties are actually a period in time where you'll feel really lonely because making new friendships is harder & people come & go & a lot of things will be changing. though, i'm not really scared of being lonely because some part of me will always remember you. how could i ever forget the first boy i ever fell this deeply in love with? so, i hope you'll remember me too for all the years to come. i hope you'll think about me with a smile on your face once you leave this app (or i do) & i hope you'll remember this message somewhere in the back of your head when your birthday will be passing by every single year. & know that, on this day, every single year, i'll be thinking about you too & wishing you a happy birthday.
i do think that the chances of me leaving are probably higher seeing how many times i've tried to leave the past couple of years but was never able to, because of you. because you were here & i could never leave you if you were here & needed me. so, i guess your absence also makes it a little easier for me to leave in some way. so, if we don't get to talk again because i left, then live a happy life. i wish you all the good things this world still has to offer. i'll be thinking about you, trying to let go of these feelings day by day. i have a tough road ahead of me, but if you ever want to talk to me again, you'll find a way to find me. hard work always pays off, so if you want something badly enough, then never back down without a fight. keep that in mind, okay? i didn't want to text you again to tell you i'm leaving, because i feel like a bother to keep texting you when you're busy & can't reply. so, i hope it's okay i'm doing it this way. if not, then i'm really sorry.
& in the future, perhaps, if you were to find me & still find yourself in love with me after i told you everything about me? if you still don't have a girlfriend by then (& i don't have a boyfriend) & you find yourself to be ready to share with me everything you couldn't tell me all these years? i'll be happy to listen & take care of you & your heart forever. i'll be ready to visit you, do all the things i mentioned above with you & more. because i know, even years from now, after i let go of you? i'll still love you, unconditionally. if there were alternate universes, i believe i'd fall in love with you in every single one of them & in every single lifetime. i don't believe in any gods, but i like to believe in fate & i'd like to believe that if you & i are meant to be? you'll find me again & i'll find you. maybe not now, & maybe not tomorrow, but someday. when time is right. it's only a matter of timing after all.
& once i find you again? i promise i won't let go. if you're tired, i'll fight for both of us & when you need someone by your side, i hope you'll allow me to be there forever. every single time again. i'd rather have you tell me all the things that bring you pain a thousand times over & let you cry on my shoulder than live in a world where i'd have to miss you for the rest of my life. you may not feel loved now, or worthy of that love i'm giving you & you're receiving from many others. you might even find it difficult to accept it & accept the fact someone can truly love you this much. but i wouldn't have given it to you if i didn't think you deserved it. because to me? you're my entire world & i need you here with me. so, once you are here? find me again. & know that, from that moment on, when it's you & me together again? your problems are mine as well.
of course, you have to deal with a lot to them yourselves, but i'll be here throughout the entire process every single time again & we'll go through every setback together as much as we'll celebrate every achievement together, no matter how big or small. you've told me before i deserve more, but don't you get it? i truly don't care about any of that. falling in love isn't only the feelings that you make me feel every time you're here, it's choosing this person over & over again unconditionally, no matter what. & you are the person i chose to be with, over & over again. it's you that i want & if i don't deserve you? well, then i'll work my damn ass off until i do. so, if there's one day that you decide it's okay for you to share it all & you want to choose me too, then i'll be there. we're not like the us from the past anymore, julian. we changed, a lot, grew a lot & learned a lot throughout the years. i remember our days back in 2019 vaguely, when both of us were different people than we are right now. i remember every moment i shared with you, maybe not in detail, but i remember them all to some extent. you once told me that you're not the romantic guy you were before & told me you're sorry if that was the guy i loved. truth be told? i did love him, but he was only a part of the whole picture that is you & i gotta tell you that i fucking love the complete picture way more. it doesn't matter in what way you changed, every part you feel like you're lacking is where i step in. i'm not here to walk behind you, i'm here to walk beside you & add to your happiness, help you & be there for you whenever & wherever. above all, i'm here to tell you how amazing you are, how loved you are & how thankful i am every single day that you were born twenty-three years ago.
until we meet again, dork. thank you for treating me & my heart always so delicately. thank you for being so thoughtful & kind. thank you for being you & allowing me into your life for the past five/six years. thank you for being my first everything. my first boyfriend & my first lover. i love you, always have & always will. remember what you once said to me years ago? "i'm all yours, even if we're together or not." & "our love is infinite, eternal, unforgettable." well, it crosses over any type of distance & it's too strong to be broken.
all the love,
i love you, forever yours, luce <3
p.s. have i ever told you my favorite disney movie is tangled? it's why i chose this picture. i'm not sure if you've seen it, but i'll just tell you the main plot line. it's about a girl who's trying hard to achieve a dream she's had for as long as she can remember. though, once she achieved that dream & it became reality, her lover became her new dream the same way she became his new dream. & in that way, you're my dream.