As soon as they got back to the house, Kimmy went straight upstairs.
She at least made a pitstop first, but for the rest of the afternoon, until the kids were called for dinner, Kimmy laid on her bed and watched the charity stream.
With everyone tired and full from the fair, dinner was simple again. This time, Ben made ham and cheese sliders with a side salad. Dinner was also later than usual, and they cleaned the kitchen afterward so the kids could continue relaxing from their fun day. But the adults were just as tired as the kids, if not more.
After Miguel went to bed, Ben reminded Kimmy of their deal, but she just wasn't interested and declined the offer before turning back to her tablet.
"You can watch them any ol' time," he said, urging her to come down with them again and told Kimmy to pause it and finish the video later. Not all that familiar with what she was watching and assumed it was a YouTube video and not a live broadcast.
Though Kimmy could always catch what she missed later since Twitch kept streams up for a few days in case someone couldn't make it while it was live. But she had been looking forward to the event since the previous year's event ended. The day goes by so quick! If she had to waste her only chance to watch a real scary movie, then so be it.
-- & --
Ben eventually gave up and let her be, especially since he hadn't seen the kid put up this much of a fight over her videos before. It was one of those moments he wished they could have a conversation and see more into her world than what was on the surface. To him, it seemed like she was just watching what she normally watched. But what if it was something special?
Ben remembered growing up before the internet was as huge as it is today. Cable wasn't a thing in his household until he was around eight years old, and the internet didn't enter their lives until he was close to thirteen or fourteen. He remembered the cartoons he watched would have special episodes and TV movies that would only air once and if he missed it, Ben would be out of luck. Maybe this was something similar to that?
Regardless, Ben let her be, and let the older girls choose a movie. He still had to sit through a horror film, though, since they thought that had been a great idea, and squirmed throughout the entire thing.
"How are you all okay with this?" he asked all three of the girls at some point during the movie, including Kayla.
Kayla was squeamish herself but was able to recover from it a little better, while Mary admitted she was covering her eyes when she thought something was gonna happen.
Kimmy had fallen asleep watching her tablet by the time they went to bed just after midnight. It was apparent she was finally knocked out when Ben easily slipped off her headphones and took away the tablet to go plug it in downstairs.
On the way down, he caught a few minutes to see what Kimmy had been watching. The webcam in the corner showed a group of people. He recognized some of them from the horror game Stephen was playing. Between the two women on the couch, Ben noticed a stuffed animal of what looked like an alien snail creature and couldn't help but have several questions as to why it was front and center with them.
When he reached the kitchen counter where their phones and tablets were kept during the night, Ben exited the Twitch app before plugging it into the wall. Kimmy had taken the wall charger upstairs with her, so the tablet did not need to be charged. So, he unplugged the cord from the tablet and turned off the device so it wouldn't use power.
-- & --
Early, the next morning, Ben felt Kayla wake up to go on her morning run before he had to leave for church. He tried to fall back to sleep after she was gone but gave up after laying there with his eyes closed for a while. It also helped when Miguel came in, asking if he was awake yet.
He let the boy climb onto the bed with him for a moment before finally getting up for the day. Unfortunately, the kids weren't allowed to sleep in their bed, even if they had a nightmare. It was a rule from their agency for safety reasons, which Ben understood why. It was supposed to, not only protect the kids but them as foster parents as well, against any potential allegations that could happen. He didn't see any harm in letting Miguel climb onto their bed, as long as he was sitting above the covers and just for a few minutes. In his opinion, kids needed moments like that.
Ben had showered yesterday when they had gotten home from the fair, sweaty and gross from walking around. It wasn't near as hot as it had been a month ago. But walking around with the sun blaring on them even with cooler temperatures still caused him to work up a sweat. So he just needed to get dressed for the day after sending Miguel back to his room to get dressed as well.
Before going downstairs, he gently woke Mary, checking to make sure she still wanted to come to church with them.
Kayla returned from her morning run while the three of them were eating breakfast, sweaty and her hair pulled back in a long ponytail. "The other two are still sleeping, I take it?" she asked while refilling her water bottle at the fridge.
"Yup," Ben replied.
Once she rehydrated, Kayla kissed each one before heading upstairs to shower.
Ben told the siblings to put their dishes in the sink for now. Mary had helped her brother put his shoes on so they were able to get out the door soon after breakfast. They made it to the church on time to get Miguel checked in while Mary hurried off to chat with her friends before the youth pastor started the middle school youth group.
The church staff and the usuals happily greeted Ben and the siblings the moment they arrived on site and continued as he finally headed inside the main auditorium. While he waited for the sermon to start, Ben made small talk with a couple they were friends with, catching up with them.
The sermon was the last of the generosity series the pastors had been teaching on for the last month or so.
Ben hoped the sermon would help with what was on his mind, but it usually did not work that way despite hearing stories of how pastors would preach a message that someone out there needed to hear. Sure, sometimes something that got said could help someone, and maybe someone else needed a message on being generous. Ben and Kayla were usually good at tithing and sharing with someone who needed help, financially.
Ben found himself going in and out of it while listening. They had been going to church for a couple of years now since buying their house and getting settled to start the fostering process. So, he had heard this series preached at least once or twice already. Plus, usually by the end of the series, Ben checked out anyway. Be generous to God first, save some for yourself for a rainy day, then give to others. Got it.
Thankfully, the series was only forty minutes long and the pastor who was teaching this time had some funny laughs to keep them awake now and then. As Kayla pointed out, the main reason for Ben to come this week was to socialize with other adults. He barely had time to stand before Ben was ambushed by Beth, who was in the same women's group as Kayla.
After she talked his ear off and asked how he was doing, which he kept things vague, she invited him, Kayla, and the kids over for lunch.
"I would have to talk it over with Kayla. We just had a busy day at the fair yesterday and I'm sure everyone's tired," he told her, politely. "Plus, one of our kiddos has a family visit this afternoon."
"Not a problem," she reassured him with a wave of her hand. "Maybe we can do something next weekend... Wait, we've got something next weekend." Beth held a finger pointed under her chin as she got lost in thought. Eventually, Beth said she would check her calendar and talk it over with Kayla the following Monday since this Monday was Halloween, and the women's group would be canceled.
They hugged bye before Beth left to go meet up with her husband, John, who was grabbing their kids from their classes.
A few others stopped to chat while Ben grabbed Miguel.
Mary met them in the courtyard.
Ben finished chatting with one of the guys from the men's group after Mary complained for the fourth time he was taking too long and they finally headed for the truck. That is, until the youth pastor, William, noticed them and came over, wanting to have a private word with him.
Both Mary and Miguel moaned, tossing their heads back.
"This'll only take a minute, guys," he assured the siblings, to which Mary protested she wasn't a guy. "It was a slip of the tongue."
Mary laughed in sarcasm. "Uh-huh. Sure."
Ben rolled his eyes but smirked.
He followed Pastor William far away enough out of earshot of the siblings, and anyone else.
Pastor William grabbed onto the branch of the skinny tree that was being held up by two metal poles half its size. "I was a little concerned about Mary this morning," he said, with genuine concern in his eyes staring back at Ben.
"How so?" Ben asked.
"Well, we were talking about forgiveness and Mary raised her hand to share, something she hasn't done much yet. I was proud of her for wanting to share."
Ben shrugged, confused. "So, what's the problem?"
"She asked if she had to always forgive others, even if what the person did was really bad. She wouldn't give any specific examples, but I could see I had touched a nerve until I explained Mathew six, verse fourteen and fifteen, then she anxiously tried to argue that surely God wouldn't forgive certain people."
Ben nodded to show he was listening. He had a guess who Mary might be referring to, who had apparently been participating in a bible study as well. Ivan did not strike him as the type to believe in any kind of religion.
Truth be told, even Ben struggled with understanding how God would forgive every single person, including the ones behind the reason kids wound up in foster care, to begin with.
"I tried to explain there was not an unforgivable sin God couldn't erase if the person truly repented. That would be missing the point of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. She seemed to be having a really hard time with it."
"She seemed fine when she came out to meet us." Ben motioned his head over his shoulder behind him, quickly adding he wasn't disbelieving the youth pastor.
Pastor William reassured he knew that. "I know you can't share her background. But I can see she's been through some storms in her life. I just wanted to bring this to your attention."
Ben had looked over at Mary, who was letting her brother share what he learned in his class, showing her the coloring page he colored.
"I invited Mary to join us, Wednesday night. I don't know what you have going on during the week, but she's welcome to come. We serve the kids dinner, play games, and after that we share a message. They're able to break off into smaller groups closer to their age so they can discuss amongst themselves. She considered it, but said she would have to ask you and her caseworker."
Ben had turned back to William while he was talking. "I'm sure it would be fine. I can give the caseworker a call tomorrow."
"Please do. We have a lot of fun and the kids usually love it, especially getting to meet in smaller groups and discuss with each other."
Ben then thanked the other guy before the two parted ways. He headed back over to the siblings just as Mary was playfully messing with her brother, who laughed it off and was running around her to playfully avoid his sister. "Alright, let's go, kiddos." He motioned for them to follow to his truck.
Mary snickered. "Are you sure this time?"
"Yes, I am sure," he said, with a chuckle of his own.
On the way, Ben wrapped a comforting arm around Mary, kissing the top of her head. "How was youth group this morning?"
She shrugged. "It was good. They sang some good songs this time."
"Did you learn anything?"
Miguel had been running, trying to jump up and touch the leaves of the small trees littered around the courtyard. They had caught up to him in time for Miguel to answer first.
"We learned about how God made the world in seven days." He held up his coloring page of the Garden of Eden, with Adam and Eve wearing leaves to hide their private areas and surrounded by animals, sharing what his teacher had told the kids.
"That looks awesome, buddy," Ben praised the coloring page. He turned back to Mary to see what she learned.
The girl shrugged again. "You know. The usual."
Ben gently pushed for her to expand on the "usual."
"Like, what?"
But Mary continued to shrug it off. "God, and... stuff."
Ben watched his feet as they walked. His arm was still around the girl while his other hand was shoved in the pocket of his cargo shorts.
He never wanted to push the kids if they did not want to talk about anything, especially a sensitive topic. But there was always that urge in the back of his mind to do it. Sometimes, kids needed that push to remind them they could come to them about anything. No matter how difficult it was. It was better than them finding it on their own among their peers. Or worse, on the internet where there were thousands of opinions, some of which were from not-so-great individuals who could take advantage of a naïve, impressionable kid.
He shuffled through his thoughts trying to figure out what to say to make things easier. But when was life ever easy?
They reached the truck and all three climbed in. It wasn't until Ben was backing out did it occur to Mary, what he and Pastor William were talking about in private.
"He told you, didn't he?"
Ben shifted the gear before pressing lightly on the gas pedal and turning the steering wheel. "He said he had some concerns about what happened during the discussion," he answered, honestly.
Mary averted her gaze as if she was in trouble. She glanced at him to admit, "I don't want to forgive him, Ben."
He took a short breath. Not about her, of course. The topic of forgiveness was never comfortable for him, either, despite saying he forgives easily. At least with others. Most of the time. "That's your decision, kiddo." Ben glanced at her to meet her gaze as well, thankful he was driving so he could focus on something else.
Ben was still listening, though.
Mary looked away as well.
Once they were out of the parking lot, Mary reached over to switch the radio station, seemingly not wanting to listen to Christian music at the moment. He didn't continue to push anything. At least not while Miguel was there, in earshot. Though the kid did ask what they were talking about. Ben just reminded him to not worry about it, that it was a private conversation not for kids' ears.
"Oh, okay." The kid accepted it. He probably didn't like it, but Miguel didn't argue. Ben kind of wished he would. But hopefully, as the kid got older, he would learn it was sometimes okay. Necessary, even.
Ben waited until Miguel had run inside the house to show Kayla his coloring page to ask Mary if she wanted to talk about what happened in her youth group or about her feelings with her stepdad.
Mary stood there in the garage, fidgeting on her feet. She slid her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "Not really," she said at first, but changed to "I don't know."
He fidgeted as well but with his keys. "It seems like he does love you and Miguel."
She looked away, forcing a shrug that time. "Sure, I guess."
His mind drew a blank when Ben tried to figure out what else to say. In the end, he just volunteered Kayla, pointing out again she was better at this than he was.
"Yeah, sure, pawn it off on her. Just a typical guy response," she said with a sudden sarcasm, and it didn't seem like her usual joking tone either.
Ben had turned to head inside the house when she stopped him, mid-step. He turned back. He wasn't sure where the sudden hostility was coming from. That had always been the case since she was dropped off at their house. He would offer a hug and sympathy, and if Mary needed more, Kayla was always willing to offer some encouragement.
"What do you want me to say, kiddo?" he asked, shaking off the shock.
"You always tell me to go talk to Kayla. You ask what's wrong, but then you just sit there and say nothing. Maybe a few words about how something has to be, but that's it," she said, raising her voice.
Ben stuttered on his words as if caught. "T-that's all Kayla's expertise, kiddo."
"Then you're just like him!"
The outburst blindsided him in a blink of an eye.
Ben opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. His mind remained in darkness. He tried to pause for a moment to ask God, but Mary rushed past him, shoving through the heavy door. Even though the door would close on its own, she made sure it slammed shut with full force where it shook the house.
Ben stood there, frozen to the spot. He stared at the door.
Mary was right. He'd ask if she wanted to talk but would jump out when things got uncomfortable. It was always established he was the comforter. The one who gave out hugs. The one who chased away nightmares. The listener if someone needed to vent. Kayla was the one who gave the encouraging word or advice if the kids needed more.
But seeing the kids in distress always hurt and caused him to want to do something about it, in the moment, which sometimes only made things worse.
He ran his hand along his hair before stopping at his neck and grabbed onto it. He tried to tell himself she probably wasn't really angry at him. She was only directing her anger towards him. That's what they taught in those foster parenting classes. But now he wasn't so sure.
"God, what am I supposed to do," he prayed while standing in the middle of the garage alone. There was never a direct voice that would answer him. Only different thoughts that argued with one another. If one of those were truly God, Ben could never really figure that out.
When he was able to move his feet, Ben went inside, stopping long enough to lower the outer garage door. He let the other door shut gently before Ben headed through the laundry room and crossed the living room to the kitchen where Kayla, Kimmy, and Miguel were.
With Kayla standing there at the island, Ben wrapped his arms around her from behind, snuggling close to her. She twisted her neck to reach back and they greeted each other with a kiss. Ben pressed his forehead to hers for a moment while holding his eyes closed before finally letting go.
"What happened?" she asked afterward, watching as Ben got himself some water.
"Youth group was a touchy subject this morning," was all he said at first. Kayla offered to go talk with her, but Ben stopped her. He took a deep breath when she asked why and told her about Mary's outburst in the garage, keeping it vague since there were listening ears.
Kayla got the gist of it, though.
"I didn't realize that bothered her," he admitted with a shrug, holding it for a moment.
"Maybe she feels like you brush her off?"
Ben looked over at the stairs.
Miguel got his attention when he asked, "Is Sissy mad?"
Kayla answered him. "She's having a hard time right now."
The boy wasn't dumb. "Is it about our papi?"
She ran her hand along his hair, confirming his question. Ben watched her reassure his feelings while explaining there were hurts his sister felt, without passing judgment on anyone. Kayla was so gentle and seemed to always know what to say. He may have been softer than most guys, but Ben could never be that wise.
Out of the corner of his eye, Ben noticed Kimmy looking up from her tablet, watching everything. She noticed him looking at her, which he smiled, and quickly turned back to whatever she was watching on her tablet.
-- &--
It was decided Ben should head upstairs once some time had passed, to give Mary some time to herself.
The whole way he prayed under his breath.
Except Claudia immediately stopped him at the door when he knocked. He looked right past her to ask Mary if he could come in and have a chat, calmly letting Claudia know he was asking Mary, not her when she continued to speak for Mary.
Mary was sitting on her bed, holding her fuzzy pillow on her lap. Instead of answering him directly, she told Claudia it was okay and she could go. The older girl refused at first, but Mary insisted.
Claudia eyed Ben the entire length it took to leave as if to warn him she wasn't afraid to do anything to him if he did anything to Mary. On the outside, Ben stood his ground to not let her think she had any power over him. On the inside, his heart raced. It was a relief he hadn't had to restrain anyone. It was something they had to expect when they told the agency they would take in teenagers.
After Claudia left, Ben closed the door so he and Mary could talk in private, along with the bathroom door. He went over to pull the chair out from the desk and sat across from her, leaning forward with his arms on his thighs.
"Mary," Ben said but stopped. This was a delicate situation that felt uncomfortable to be in. It was way easier to just let Kayla do this despite him wanting to be of more help.
He tried several different ways to start this but gave up mid-sentence until Ben decided to apologize first for leading her on and making her feel abandoned whenever he backed out.
Mary was silent, fingering the fuzz on her pillow. Her finger twirled a piece in particular.
"Mare?"
Her eyes moved away towards the wall as if she felt embarrassed, possibly with the sudden outburst.
"I'm a guy," he said with a shrug. "Us guys don't know how to maneuver these kinds of situations. I can give a hug if you need one, and even cuddles."
"I didn't mean it, okay. I take it back. I'm sorry," she said all at once, but still could not meet his gaze.
"You don't have to apologize, kiddo," he reassured. "I didn't take any offense." Okay, maybe that was a lie. Ben did figure as much. "You're angry with your stepdad and I was just the closest target."
She sniffed in, not saying anything.
Ben stared down at his folded hands. "Kiddo," he said after a minute, but that's when Mary finally spoke again.
"You're not like him." Mary paused for a moment before she added, "Or any guy."
He sat there, blinking back at her. All Ben could think to say was to thank her for the compliment.
"Claudia has her doubts, but I try to tell her she's wrong."
Ben shook his head. "That's not your job, kiddo."
"But, she is wrong," she tried to insist.
He held a hand up towards her to calm Mary down. "We're not here to talk about Claudia. We're here to talk about you."
Mary leaned back against her other pillows propped up by the wall.
Ben watched her for a moment but looked down at his hands. His clean, manicured hands. There wasn't a callus like his father's hands, though there was a blister from pulling weeds the other day that he had covered with a band-aid.
Nothing was coming to mind what he should say. There was the default "it'll be okay," but Ben couldn't predict that. Especially if he struggled to believe it himself. That's why he never liked saying it to the kids.
All he could say was to apologize once more. "I bite off more than I can chew sometimes because seeing you kids hurt makes me hurt. I can't make things better. I wish I had that kind of power, but only God can do that."
Ben stared more at his hands than he did Mary. "I'm not sure why He doesn't do it, but I guess that's part of his mysterious ways."
He heard Mary sniff in. "At least you can say you're sorry." She wiped the corner of her eye. "Ivan can't even do that."
Ben forced a half smile for her at least. "It's that darn pride us guys have," he said in a way to lighten the mood.
"I don't think you have it," she said with a quick shrug.
He returned the shrug. "Trust me, kiddo. I've got one. Honestly, we all do to some extent or another."
That caused Mary to look away as if she was in thought. "I wish Ivan would give up his."
"Some pride can be a good thing," Ben said, remembering that from a country music song, though he couldn't recall which one. A lot of songs touched on stubborn pride.
Mary scoffed, which Ben felt inclined to point out that could be considered pride. "I just wish he wouldn't be such a jerk all the time."
"He's just doing what he was told to do all his life. It doesn't make it right, but that's what I tell myself whenever my mom gives me grief."
"Your dad doesn't seem that way," she pointed out.
Ben sighed, choosing his words carefully. "He's just not the kind of guy to express his opinions unless he's provoked."
"What does that mean? He's like the Hulk or something?"
He shook his head, reassuring his dad never exploded with that much anger. At least not as much as the Hulk.
"Did he ever hit you?"
"Besides a few swats over his knee." Not that Ben agreed that was ever okay, nor did Kayla. For the most part, he was a good kid who rarely got in trouble. Usually, a warning was enough to remind him. But even Ben wasn't perfect. Nor were his parents. There were still better ways to help kids learn the consequences of their actions.
His mind did wonder why Mary suddenly went to ask if his dad ever hit him. "Why? Did Ivan ever hit you?"
His suspicions strengthened when Mary didn't answer.
"Mary?" He kept his tone gentle but firm. If there turned out to be abuse, Jennifer would need to know that.
She hesitated some more before Mary admitted he never hit her or Miguel. "Besides a whooping anyway."
"You hesitated, though," he pointed out.
Mary was silent once again.
"Mary..."
Her mouth opened but no words came right away. She closed it for a moment along with her eyes, which Ben gave her all the time Mary needed. In the meantime, his stomach churned in knots as his mind instantly confirmed his suspicions.
"He yelled at her when Mom would," she finally admitted before looking over at him.
"Your mom would hit you?" Ben asked, trying to make sense of what he was being told.
"Not a lot," Mary quickly said as if to protect her mom. "Only sometimes whenever she was having a bad day. If he saw it he would yell at her for it. He would always yell at her."
"Kiddo, she shouldn't be hitting you at all," he argued, not to defend Ivan. Both were in the wrong. "Regardless if she was having a bad day or not. She shouldn't take that out on you."
"At least she was there," she argued in return. "He's the reason she left. It's all his fault."
All Ben could do was sit there and listen. It sounded like Ivan was protecting Mary. That was her mom, though, and oftentimes there was still a loyalty from the kids, no matter how badly they were treated by a parent. He had a feeling no matter what Ben said, it wouldn't change Mary's mind towards her stepdad.
"Your mom needed help," was all that came to his mind and out his mouth. "I'm sure he was just trying to make her see that."
"He didn't need to treat her like that."
"Like, what?" he asked.
"Like the way he did. All he did was judge her and told her she needed to be a better mom and stuff. Sure, he was trying to help her, but all he did was drive her away. That's why she left, Ben. She didn't desert us, she wanted to get away from him!"
"Mary." Ben felt himself get up and move to her bed, facing Mary. He reached out to gently reach for her hand. "If that was the case she would have taken you and your brother with her. I don't doubt she wanted to get away from him, but there's still the matter of the fact she left you behind."
Mary yanked her hand away. "No! She just couldn't take us. I'm sure she would have come back for us. I swear!"
He found it hard to swallow as Ben stared back at Mary's distraught face. He felt frozen sitting there.
To his relief, the door burst open.
Claudia was there first, ordering him out.
The world whirled around him as he tried to insist he had things under control, not wanting to pawn this off on anyone like Mary had accused out of anger. It helped when Kayla was quick to step in as well, and insisted both he and Claudia leave.
Claudia tried to put up a fight once again, but Kayla stood her ground even better than he did before.
"Are you sure?" he heard himself ask automatically.
"Yes, hun," she said with a gentle nod, adding he did his best she was sure, and would take it from there.
As soon as Ben stepped out into the hallway, the door closed behind him.
He dropped his face in his hand and rubbed the inner corners of his eyes.
The last few minutes replayed in his mind over and over again and he wasn't able to shake it from his mind. They had just had a long, fun time at the fair the day before, only for things to blow up right in front of them.
He heard Miguel ask once more what was going on with his big sister. Worry spread all over his face.
Ben looked up at the boy standing there.
He held his arms towards him, which the boy dashed over and let Ben scoop him up. All Ben could do was hold the boy. He let Miguel squeeze his neck for as long as he needed. Ben then offered to watch a movie or something to distract Miguel while Kayla tended to his sister and carried him downstairs.
Unknown to him, someone else was watching and listening just inside their doorway.
Author's Note:
Sorry about the long chapter. I ended up writing it longer than I expected and wasn't sure how to break it up into two chapters.