𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐚𝐝'
𝐂𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦,
𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤?
Buck
Amelia hasn't been doing well since she came to work with me. I can tell when she is hiding something from me or acting like a child again instead of a teenager.
When we got home from work on her birthday she crashed instead of staying up late to get a treat. I knew she would be tired after the long day she had so I let her sleep in the following day since Cap let me have an off day.
I think that he was just preventing me from doing something stupid again.
Yesterday, Amelia's nanny was over while I was working a B shift.
When I came home early at 10 to surprise my daughter, the nanny told me that Amelia 'wasn't feeling well' and refused to come out of her room. I didn't quite believe that but let her sleep in any way.
Since she had that nightmare about her mom she hasn't opened up to me like she usually does.
She's usually quite energetic around me, then when she goes out to meet people she's super shy like she was at the station.
"Maddie, am I doing something wrong? This new guy at the station was better with Mils than I was. Am I not a good father?" I eat one of the blueberries that is meant for our blueberry pancakes.
I am trying to redo Amelia's birthday.
I can't imagine what she feels like as a child of a firefighter who saw her dad in a real house fire incident.
"What? You are an amazing Dad to Amelia. What new guy?" I feel Maddie nudge me in the shoulder as my cheeks heat up.
"There's a new probationary firefighter at the station. His name is Eddie. I haven't formally introduced myself to him. I thanked him for staying with Amelia in the truck while I was saving someone in a burnt house. I saved the boy. Although, I came out coughing with all this ash and soot around my face. Amelia saw most of it go down. I can't imagine what she feels like after that happened on her birthday. It's my fault she saw that trauma on her birthday." I lean my head on my sister's while she teaches me to fold the blueberries into the pancake mix.
"Buck, it's your job to save people. It's not your fault that you had to take her to work with you. Do you like this Eddie guy? He seems good with kids that's for sure." I watched Maddie pour the pancake mix onto the pan since she was the cook in the Buckley family.
"Hey! That's not what we're talking about. Stop trying to change the subject." I gently hit her with a dish towel.
"You are doing great, Buck. Don't be so hard on yourself." I feel Maddie side hug me as we watch the pancake cook.
"Thanks," I say and move over to get a cup of coffee.
I am not used to calm days like these. Usually, I am working more than ten hours at work and getting home to a sleep-deprived daughter.
However, today's Saturday and my Captain let me off for the day after the incident at the house fire.
I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with my daughter before I go back to the station.
"Oooh pancakes!" I hear Amelia before I see her walk down the stairs.
I let her sleep in my loft bedroom since it's comfier up there.
Hopefully, it has helped with her nightmares.
"Happy belated birthday, Millie." I watch Maddie go over to hug her since she didn't get to see her on her real birthday.
"Dad, I didn't have a nightmare last night!" I watch Amelia run up and hug me before I can even walk over to the kitchen to greet her.
"Morning, love. That's great to hear. So I was thinking another Tangled rewatch? We can do anything you want to. We're celebrating your birthday." I hug her and let her sit beside me on the couch while Maddie finishes with the pancakes.
"Dad, I'm too old for Tangled....." I hear her whine.
The other week she was obsessed with Pascal. Now that she's ten years old she claims she's 'a big girl'.
I am not ready for this.
What am I gonna do when she's a teenager?
"Okay, what do you want to do today?" I replay and pray that it is not princess dress up because she made me do that when she was 6.
"I want to see mom." I listen to her and feel her cuddle into my side on the couch.
Wow. That's a first.
Last year, was the first year I took her to the cemetery to visit her mom.
It was only for 5 minutes or so. I didn't want to expose her to the funeral home and graveyard.
I didn't want my baby girl to be sad the entire day.
"Are you sure?" I glance at my sister for help and then back at Amelia.
I've only had to deal with the 'mom' issue as a single -parent once or twice.
Amelia's always been too young to understand what happened to her mom.
I have been protecting her from the fights, suicide, and the truth about her mom.
"Yeah, I am sure. I want to get flowers and a Happy Meal first. Oh, and thanks for mom's locket. I love it. " I hear her say like a big girl, not the 9-year-old that she was a week ago.
Wow. She's almost a tween.
"Okay, we can do that. I'm so proud of you, baby girl." I hug her tightly since she's been through so much in the last 3 days and it is my fault.
I ran into a burnt house to save a kid and she was there.
She saw me almost injure myself because I was reckless and dumb like that.
I guess that's why Cap gave me the weekend off to regroup my thoughts.
"Dad. I am not a baby anymore." I watch Amelia run gross out after our hug and run to her room to get dressed for the day.
Speaking of getting dressed. She's become a fashionista and independent woman lately.
It's kind of scary. I could miss out on these little things because I am a firefighter.
"She's growing up too fast. It's weird." I tell Maddie while she plates the pancakes and gets Amelia a cup of orange juice.
"No, you're getting old. You don't want to admit it." I watch Maddie point her spatula towards my face.
Okay touche.
After a nice pancake breakfast where Amelia did most of the talking about things that she had made in art class in school, Maddie offered to help me with the dishes.
I don't think that she thinks that I am incapable of doing the dishes.
She knows that I need a minute or two to myself to decompress before we go see Amelia's mom.
I normally visit her grave in my off time which isn't many days out of the year.
It's usually when there are people to cover my shifts at the station and when she is at school.
Amelia doesn't come to the graveyard with me.
At least not until now.
"Dad, are you ready to go?" I turn around from my dresser after fixing my belt buckle and see my daughter standing by the doorway.
"Yeah, I mean yes. Is Aunt Maddie, ready to go?" I give her a faint smile since I haven't visited the graveyard in a year or so.
First flowers and McDonald's upon my daughter's request.
I have time to compose myself.
"You doing okay, Buck?" I feel Maddie pat me on the shoulder when I approach her in the kitchen while Amelia is using the restroom and grabs her backpack from her room.
"Hmmmhmm." I give my sister a smile that she knows is fake.
"I can take her if you want to stay at home and rest. I know where it is. This week has been a crazy one for all of us." Maddie offers since she's been such an angel sister and aunt lately.
"I am coming. Besides, I wouldn't miss out on a chance to get McDonald's." I smile lightly since I am not in the mood for jokes.
In the car, Maddie turns on The Hannah Montana Movie soundtrack for Amelia and also to lighten up the mood.
I would rather be at work or on scene firefighting than visiting my ex's grave.
After two songs, I feel Amelia poke my shoulder from the backseat.
"Dad, what kind of flowers did mom like? I want to make sure I get ones she wasn't alergic to." I turn to face her since Maddie is driving to the supermarket.
"She liked Peonies and Tulips. Her favorite color was purple like yours is." I turn back to face the front window so that she doesn't see me showing emotion.
I face forward and don't answer any more of her questions until Maddie parks the car safely and quickly.
Thankfully Maddie has offered to take Amelia to the supermarket to buy the flower bouquet while I buy the Happy Meal for her.
It's a good distraction from all the questions she has about her mother.
I am starting to think that I am stuck in a quarter-life crisis and not the kind that you need to call 911 for.
At McDonald's, I use the restroom and splash water on my face at the sinks.
I don't know why I'm so emotional on my one-off day when we're supposed to be celebrating Amelia's birthday.
Maybe it's because she's growing up so fast?
I order a Happy Meal and BigMac for myself then meet Maddie back at the car.
Single-parenting is tough but Maddie makes my life easier ecspecially when I can't figure out how to do the things Amelia wants to do like musical theatre or painting classes.
"You okay, Buck? You look a little pale." I see Maddie whisper to me outside of the car while Amelia is buckling up inside the car.
"Yeah, it's just been a rough week." I sigh since it's the truth.
I almost burnt my face in a house that was on fire and I took the risk of taking Amelia to work with me.
I peek into the backseat of the car and see Amelia playing with her Barbie Happy Meal toy.
At least, she's in one piece and safe and sound.
"Don't do anything stupid." I hear Maddie whisper to me as we get back into the front seats of the car.
"No promises." I whisper back to her while watching my daughter in the rearview mirror.
At the cemetery, I lead the way since I know where her graveyard is.
I can tell that Amelia is scared to say something in case one of us cracks.
Meaning I break down.
While we are walking up the hill, I feel Amelia grab onto my large hand for support.
I tell her all the time that she has to hold my hand when we are walking out in public. However, she's 10 now and believes she can do what she wants to.
We let Maddie drag behind us and walk in silence.
Amelia has the flower bouquet in her other hand and seems excited to talk to her mom. I am scared to see what my daughter is going to say to her mother's grave. I've never taken her out here to talk.
The last time, I took her here we just sat and hugged on a bench nearby for a few minutes.
"Mils, I'll let you place the flowers down and talk." I step back a few feet and let her kneel on the grass to place the flower bouquet in its place.
She's 10. She doesn't need me to hover over her anymore.
"Dad, stay nearby. Mom would want you here too." I stand a few feet away from the grave to give her time to talk to her mom.
She's been moody and clingy since the house fire incident on her birthday.
I need to sit down and talk to her about my work and safety.
"Okay." I glance over at my sister who is texting on her phone a few feet away under a shady tree.
"Mom, I miss you a lot. I turned 10 this week and got to visit Dad at work. And this nice guy, Eddie stayed with me in the firetruck while Dad was saving people. Eddie gave me candy. I like him and I think he was called Dad's partner by this other guy. Oh, and I am taking painting classes in school. My friend Miranda started a bracelet club too. I wish you were here because Dad isn't crafty. Auntie M works a lot and I miss her all the time." I hear Amelia ramble while she fixes the flower bouquet.
I don't think she wants me hearing this but I am her dad.
I turn around for a second to look at Maddie and see Eddie, my partner from work standing 15 feet away in front of a grave.
Eddie?
I walk over to where he's standing while Maddie watches Amelia.
Why is Eddie here?
How did he know we were going to be here?
Is he stalking me?
"Eddie, what are you doing here?" I walk up to him and see that he's staring at a grave.
"Buck?! What are you doing here?" I can hear the startle in his voice.
"I asked you first." I step forward.
"Visiting my ex-wife. There I told you. What are you doing here?" I can hear the emotion in his voice.
"My daughter wanted to visit her mom for her birthday. My uh ex." I stand next to him and admire the grave in front of us.
"Aren't you supposed to be working the B shift today?" Eddie breaks the silence between us.
"I was going to ask you the same thing." I state as I shove my hands into my pants pockets.
"Cap let me off today after I ran into that house to save the boy from the house fire without his permission first." I state shyly since it is the truth of me being reckless.
"Ah, makes sense. Chim said something about you being a troublemaker during my orientation. I'm here for a short visit before my night shift. You are supposed to be a mentor/partner. It's a shame that Cap let you off today." I stand there and listen to him talk while we grieve in silence.
"Sorry, I was too busy saving a boy's life." I try to joke but it comes out as more of a sad statement.
"I need to get back to the station. See you tomorrow, Buck. Don't do anything stupid before then. I am counting on you to teach me the ropes at the station." I see Eddie wave at me and watch him disappear down the hill as if he's an angel.
His voice is so soothing. I understand why Amelia likes him.