The next morning I was woken up by fingers gently running their way through my curls, miraculously missing the tangles.
"Time to wake up, baby girl," Tim spoke in a voice reserved for me and me only. It made me feel special in a way although in another way it made me feel a little infantilized. Even so it was better than the tone he used for Curly. I raised my head in time to see him kick Curly's bed frame which jolted my twin awake, "Get up shit for brains." As quickly as Tim came in, he left the room once more.
"Jackass." Curly mumbled once he was sure Tim was out of ear shot. He sat up, his curls looking wild. I doubted mine looked much better. He threw of his covers, only clad in a sleep shirt and red boxer briefs.
"Put on some clothes." I mumbled as I laid back down and covered my head with my blanket. I felt something collide with my thigh. I quickly realized Curly chucked one of his shoes at me.
"What does it look like I'm doing smartass?" He rolled his eyes before gathering some clothes and heading to the bathroom. He always let me have the room to change in despite being as territorial as he was.
I stayed in bed a little longer, feeling the weight of the covers over my body. Slowly I forced myself to get up, knowing that if Tim had to come in again, he'd be less nice than he was. I searched through my drawer before picking out a bit of a baggy shirt(one of the several hand me downs from Curly and Tim) and a pair of shorts. As I pulled them on, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I hated looking. I wore the baggy clothes to hide what was underneath. It wasn't like I looked bad hell I was used to being told I had a body guys wanted. Big tits, curves, and a not so bad looking face but I didn't like the attention. I hated it. I felt dirty then again...I guess I usually did.
Before I headed into the kitchen, I peaked my head out to make sure Ma and my step dad Ed weren't around. They liked to yell at me, lay hands on me if I came out of my room. I knew it wasn't right but in this neighborhood it's not like there were people who cared.
"Rayanna come on! I ain't waiting forever!" Angela called from near the table. Fuck she had a hairbrush. I hated when she did my hair. My hair was always a rat nest of tangles and getting it to behave was the hard part. Even so I didn't feel like running around the house, getting chased. So I huffed and sat in my usual chair as Angela started.
I bit my lip to avoid yelling out as she did it. My eyes drifted towards her, a look of annoyance draped over her face. I wish I looked like her. Maybe not in that exact facial expression but still like her. I wanted her manageable hair. It hung in soft ringlets at the ends while mine was just a curly mess. She was thinner than me, smaller boobs and hips as well. Although she'd still chase after boys and they'd chase her. Something she seemed to want me to take part in. Most of all though, I wanted her complexion. Her skin was a soft brown like our dad's was. Tim had the same kind of shade. Curly was just a bit lighter but still there. Then there was me. I took after my mom more than anything and hell I hated it. I didn't look much like my siblings besides the hair.
Personally I thought it didn't make a lot of sense. Sure genetically I understand recessive and dominant traits as well as how traits are split when it comes to twins. However it bothered me that my skin was white and Curly's wasn't. Although white was an exaggeration, I still had melanin. I was still brownish but I knew I could pass for white easier than my siblings could. I think that's what our mom wanted anyway. That's why our last name was Shepard, her last name.
"Quit squirming!" Angela squawked at me as she yanked me back by my shoulder. I didn't even realize as I was rocking as I sat in my own thoughts. "Don't get it in your head that I like doing this. I just don't want my little sister lookin like a mess." That was lie. She did like making me look presentable. Curly and Tim had one another so she assumed that she'd have me. It wasn't the case. We weren't close like sisters are supposed to be. I didn't care much for what she did.
"...sorry..." I think I knew it wasn't my fault but the apology still forced itself out of my lips. It took me a while to learn an apology made things better even when it shouldn't have. That you were supposed to apology even when it wasn't your fault. In this case the apology seemed quite redundant but I said it anyway.
Angela didn't reply but her brushes got softer. I forced myself not to rock as I clutched my hands into fists. That felt like denying myself the ability to breathe. I didn't stop though.
"I don't know why you fight me, Ray. You're real pretty. You'd make guys turn their heads if it weren't for the flapping and jerking and rocking," She named off, her eyes rolling down my body. "How about you let me do your makeup this school year huh? With some lipstick, blush, and eyeliner you'd look real good."
"No." I was quick to deny it. I wasn't sure of the textures those products would bring. Besides I doubt Tim would be too happy with me wearing makeup. Although that wasn't gonna be the reason I told her. "I ain't supposed to wear all that stuff if I want to tutor."
Angela let out an annoyed groan. It was kind of like the one she made when Tim told her to do the dishes or clean her room. It was nothing like the high pitched squeal she did when he wouldn't let her go out somewhere. That was way worse.
"Come on, Ray. Just ditch the tutoring. No one wants to get tutored by some special needs-ow!" Angela was cut off by Tim popping her.
I wasn't sure where he came from but he didn't seem happy. The two shared a look with one another before sharing another. It felt like my siblings communicated with their eyes sometimes. It was confusing and often made me feel like I was missing something. Maybe that's why they talked with their eyes, so I couldn't understand them. Although it seemed like Tim was threatening her with something because she backed down.
"I didn't mean it like that. You know what I meant, don't you Ray?" She asked as she went back to brushing.
"Yeah. Sure." I lied. Sometimes it was better to just lie than admit that her sentence hurt. I couldn't say that. I wasn't weak like they thought I was and I wouldn't give them any excuses to think that way.
A second later I felt Tim kiss my head, mumbling something about getting me breakfast. I think that meant he loved me even if the word love seemed to be banned in the Shepard household. It wasn't a written rule but it was how it felt. I think deep down I knew all my siblings cared for me. I think they always cared. Angela cared enough to punch Judy Bakers in sixth grade for calling me a retard. Curly used to get in fights on the playground and Tim...Tim did a lot. Maybe it was just my disability that gave them the idea that they had to protect me. It probably was. Most kids like me were growing up in institutions right now and here I was.
"Ray. Eat." Tim snapped and pointed to my food. That was his not so gentle reminder for me to eat my food.
I didn't need him to say it twice so I snapped out of my thoughts and started eating the eggs even with my distaste for scrambled. It seemed even with my list of good and bad foods on the fridge, I was still fed anything and everything. I wasn't about to complain though, they'd call me dramatic.
"So where are we going today? Any plans?" I asked Tim. Tim usually brought me along with him to where the gang hung out. Curly mostly came along since like any good little brother, he was in his older brothers gang. He just wasn't very high up.
"Just see what the day brings, babygirl." Tim said, ruffling my hair only for Angela to smack his hand away so he didn't ruin her progress.
For good measure Angela ran a brush through it again before starting to braid it. I didn't think I looked too bad with braids plus it kept the hair out of my eyes and I rocked too much for her to do any other styles.
"Angela torturing you again, Ray?" Curly asked as he walked into the kitchen from the hall. Angela swung the brush at Curly who dodged it with a laugh.
I continued to eat, trying to ignore as it got louder. I went back to rocking, rubbing my wrist against my face again until Tim noticed.
"Cut it out, both of you! I don't wanna deal with Ray melting down this early." Tim commanded and they both listened. Like I said before, scared shitless of Tim.
I didn't like that he phrased it as didn't wanna deal with me but hey, what was I gonna say about it? Nothing, that's what.
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Tim kept me close to him as per usual. Even though I was surrounded by the gang, protected on all sides, I had to sit by him just to make sure. Don't know if he thought I was gonna get jumped or kidnapped while being five feet away from him but it didn't matter, I had to be close. My assumption was he didn't think I could handle being on my own. Maybe that's why I had to be with him or Curly, or a few of the trusted officials in the gang. One of them being Donny who's lap I was sitting on. Tim allowed it since he and Tim had been best buddies since they were kids. Donny was Tim's second in command and practically like another brother to me. Besides I didn't mind it, being held was stimulating.
Donny pulled my closer against his chest. His dark brown hair greased back and his brown eyes were hard and mean although he softened a bit with me. The gang was scared of breaking me too. They all knew I was different. Plus Tim would beat the shit out of anyone who hurt me.
The gang was simply hanging out, seemingly planning some trouble for tonight when I wasn't allowed. I wasn't sure exactly when between talking that the Curtis gang showed up. I was probably zoning out as they did. Our gang got along alright with theirs. I mean not like they didn't get into a rumble every now and then but it was friendly enough. I know Tim respected Darry and Two-Bit hung out with the Shepard gang enough to become an unofficial member. Dally was just Dally. Friends with Tim one day, enemies the next. Beyond that I didn't really know Ponyboy, Johnny, Soda or Steve. Soda and Steve worked at the DX, I knew that much. Johnny seemed alright as did Ponyboy.
The guys I did know were alright, nice enough to me. I assumed it was because of how Tim would introduce me. The same speech every time. 'This is my little sister Ray. She's...different, don't understand same things like you and I do. Her brain isn't wired right'. He rarely used the word disabled or special needs. He didn't like those words. Tim especially hated the word I was called the most, retard.
Soon Tim got to talking with Darry. Normally he'd be talking with Dally but according to what the guys were talking about, Dally was in the cooler. Guess that made me wonder where Tim was last night but guess that wasn't my concern. Instead I watched Two-Bit screw around with some of the guys close by.
"You causing trouble, kid?" He asked as his hand ruffled my hair. He smiled at my squeak in surprise.
I just turned my head up in his direction and smiled softly. Donny kept me close as I did, his arms around my torso. I gently patted them as I avoided looking at Two-Bits face. I hated looking at people's face.
"Always, Two. You know me." My voice was soft as I rocked back and forth. I think my odd habit of rocking and twitching was part of what made everyone treat me like I was kid. They thought I was slow but I wasn't.
Two-Bit was tall and muscular with gray eyes and hair colored like rust. He kind of reminded me of Tim except he wasn't as hard looking. He was always smiling and making jokes. No one could tell whether he was drunk or sober most of the time. He talked to me, treated me well and all. I liked him enough. Even so, once he and Donny started talking, it was like I wasn't there. I didn't mind. I liked hearing what they were talking about. I liked listening when they thought I wasn't.
I was tuning in up until my attention turned towards Ponyboy. He was hanging a little off from the group with Curly. They got along real well. Maybe too well. Last month Tim caught them playing chicken with their cigarettes. He cracked their heads together. Violent? Yes. They haven't done it since though.
Ponyboy was shorter than Curly by a good bit but taller than me it seems. He had light brown hair and green eyes that had a bit of gray mixed in too. He was thinner than his brothers but not scrawny by any means. Just lean. Although I guess I wasn't focused too much on Ponyboy, my eyes rested on the snake crawling on the pile of abandoned trash nearby. I wanted a closer look so I started to get up.
"Snake," I softly mumbled to Donny when he noticed me getting off his lap. His grip loosened and he let me go but I could feel his and Tim's eyes watching me.
I walked closer, careful about my steps so I wouldn't scare it. My ears picked up Curly complains about the Brumely boys on our turf but I tuned him out just as quickly. As I got closer to the snake, I could see it was a Cottonmouth. A blackish brown body with gold stripes across the belly and a triangular head. Cottonmouths weren't too common around here so I figured I had seen this one before. With a much closer look I could be sure. That's when Ponyboy made a mistake. He stepped back, spooking the cottonmouth. The snake rattled it's tail before going to strike.
With a short yell, Ponyboy fell over. Everyone turned as he looked up and there I was holding the snake by the neck. As it squirmed and hissed at Ponyboy. Slowly I pulled the cottonmouth closer so it could smell me and I watched as it slowly calmed and curled against my chest. I smiled and ran my fingers down it's back, taking note of the golden coloring on the back too. I did know this snake.
"Sorry about Morris. H-he didn't mean no harm. You just spooked him is all." I said as I continued to gently pet the cottonmouth. As I did I saw Curly move back a bit while Ponyboy stared up at me.
"Morris?" Ponyboy asked as he watched me with shifty eyes.
"Y-yeah. Y-you can tell b-because of the coloring. N-normally the gold is only o-on a cottonmouth's stomach but i-it's on his back too," I softly explained as I stepped closer only for Ponyboy to scoot back. I quickly paused and held the snake closer to my body. "I-I'm sorry. You don't like snakes, d-do you? It's cool...C-curly doesn't like 'em either."
Ponyboy didn't answer, he just stared up at me. I looked towards him but not at him as I petted Morris. I began to wonder if I broke some untold rule that I wasn't supposed to when it came to social situations. Part of me wondered if I should apologize and I began to until Ponyboy spoke again.
"You can tame snakes?" He questioned as he slowly sat up, he seemed fascinated.
"No," I shook my head as I began to realize a smile was pulling on my mouth. "M-Morris just recognizes my scent. I'm not a stranger to him s-so he's less likely to be afraid of me however I-I can always still accidentally spook him which is why I try to be careful. Would you like to hold him?"
I held Morris out towards Ponyboy. I noticed Curly stepping away as I moved the snake closer. He always hated snakes while I loved them. Then again the snake in the bed incident a few months back probably didn't help.
"Won't he bite me?" Ponyboy questioned as he nervously eyed the Cottonmouth. Even so he stepped a bit closer out of curiosity I assumed.
"N-not if you go slow a-and are careful. I-I'll stay close too s-so he still has some familiarity." I assured him as I stepped closer. With great care and slow movements, I guided Morris to move from my arm to Ponyboy who was a little hesitant to put out his arm but he ended up doing so.
"What do I do now?" He asked as he looked towards me. His voice was gentle and warm, kind of like the sunlight. Ponyboy seemed nice enough so far although I didn't like that he was trying to make eye contact with me.
"Just hold him. M-Morris likes exploring especially since this isn't his common habitat. Cottonmouths commonly live by streams, lakes, rivers, marshes, swamps, ponds, and occasionally by the roadside ditch. Practically anywhere that is damp and warm. It's quite the perfect habitat for egg to hatch." I speak matter of factly as I gently pet Morris. I'm leaning against him so the Cottonmouth can continue to smell my scent.
I can feel Ponyboy's eyes on me as I stand close to him. I'm unsure if I'm breaking yet another social rule. I tend to break those a lot without meaning to.
"So, you know a lot about snakes?" Ponyboy asked curiously. He's still trying to make eye contact with me. I want to tell him to stop but I've learned that is considered rude.
"She's obsessed with the freaky shits." Curly chimes in, still keeping his distance from us.
"They're not freaky. I'm sure they think the same about you," I replied. Curly rolled his eyes at me and decided to head back to the guys. I turned my attention back to Ponyboy, "I like snakes a lot. They're my special interest."
"Special interest?" Ponyboy asked. I noticed he's starting to slowly relax with the snake on his arm.
"Uh yeah. It's like something my brain kind of just decides to like and therefore I must learn everything about it. They're common with autistic people." My voice pauses a bit on the word autistic. He probably already knew but me actually telling people was a whole new thing.
Ponyboy paused and turned to look at me. It felt like the air filled with tension. Did he not know?
"You have autism?" He looked surprised as his eyes scanned me. He was trying to look for any signs he missed.
"Uh yeah. I guess.....I thought Curly told you. My brothers usually tell people so they're not...caught off guard by me. N-not that it's a bad thing but I-I can be a lot...for some people." I spoke softly as my hand flapped a bit. It was moments like these that I wished I could read facial expressions.
My neck jerked as I spoke. I tried to calm myself by rocking and petting Morris. I wondered what his reaction would be categorized as. I've had bad ones, good ones, and ones where people immediately start to baby me. It looked like the gang were watching for his reaction. If it was a bad one, it wouldn't end well.
"What's it like?" His voice didn't sound mean or harsh like I was used to. It was sweet and curious. It was a genuine question and all I could do was shrug.
"It's not great but it's not the worst thing in the world. I struggle socially a lot. I don't understand social cues or these social rules a-and you can probably tell I don't like looking at people especially faces. I-I have heightened senses which means it's easier for me to be overwhelmed b-by being out in public a-and in certain situations.....I-it's a lot. Perhaps I could explain it better once I've had time to gather my thoughts." I gently run a finger down Morris's back. The scaly smooth texture helped ground me.
"How about you explain it to me tomorrow?" Ponyboy suggested as his eyes tried to meet mine once more. This time he quickly averted his gaze after he remembered what I said about faces. His voice held something though that I couldn't quite figure out. Was he nervous? Excited? Something else entirely?
I paused though. Was he inviting me out somewhere or was it just like a usual when I see you kind of thing? Why did people phrase their words like this? It made no sense even so I needed to respond in an appropriate manner...whatever that was.
"Okay." I nodded, slowly realizing how close against him I was. He didn't once push me away though. He let me stay close like this. I could've sworn there was a tinge of red on his face. Was something wrong? Before I could ask, Ponyboy smiled as he slowly transferred Morris to my arm. It seemed his fear of snakes had been calmed.
"How about we meet here tomorrow afternoon?" He suggested as I felt his eyes taking every detail about me. It was like he studying me.
I nodded and smiled. I allowed myself to lift my head to show him my smile but dropped my head down again as I petted the snake. Ponyboy seemed to be pleased and touched my arm. I believe it was an attempt to seal the deal despite his hand lingering. His fingers squeezed the flesh gently. It kind of reminded me of how Tim did it as a way to calm me.
Slowly his fingers let my arm as he and his gang slowly walked away. I watched them before turning my attention back to Morris.
"What do you think that was about?" I quietly asked him. I knew he wouldn't respond as he stared up at me and flicked his tongue in my direction. "Yeah. I'm not too sure either."