"What the hell?" I heard jeongin scream, loud as fvck.
I sprung out to the living room to actually find out the hell happened and what I saw was jeongin legit snatching his phone from han's hands as soon as he saw me and sort of avoiding this conversation, he simply walked out with an "I'll charge it" as if he had not screamed so loud seconds ago.
"What did he see?" I asked
And they were all looking at me as if I had asked something in a language they didnt understand, they were not talking.
"Guys?" I asked again.
And I heard Chan sigh as he walked towards me. All 8 eyes that had been staring at me for so long were now glued to the ground, retaliating to move.
"It's about you, Su" he said and then I saw him take his phone out of the pocket.
He played a video right in front of my face, as I finally got to know what had happened.
"The video of you leaning or bending forward during my pace encore from the last concert has been circulated on the online forum, fans were shocked enough with the eighth member being a girl and now that they've got their hands on something they could probably use against you, they're going all out on the hate...I really advice you not to open the forum right now..to keep yourself in the right mind" Chan said, as I stood frozen there..my eyes staring holes into the wall in front of me and my mind stuck at just one thought.
"Yeah, don't go over the comments..they'll be taken down soon and people will eventually forget about it..don't worry...we've got MAMA coming up..you better concentrate on that" Lee-know said and I hummed back.
"JYPE called, no practice today, you could use some rest, Su..you haven't recovered well" Chan said and I nodded.
I walked off to my room, not even lifting my teary eyes off the floor. I closed the door, gently as if whispering my anguish to the air right now and sat down, on the cold floor...weeping. I grabbed my phone out of the pocket and did exactly what I was told to avoid at most. I opened our Twitter handle and there it was, should I call it Disappointment? Bullying? Criticism ? Threats? . Hate would be an umbrella term for that I suppose, I don't even know what was so wrong about bending forward in an encore performance, I was so tired that day but I gave my all...every ounce of energy that I had, I knew I had invested all of it into performing that concert but people still called me out.
"Lazy B!tch..why bother joining the team if she couldn't even put up with the intensity on the first day"
"JYPE really needs better management on picking up trainees and idols, a douchebag like her gets to live with them, and stand with them as if she's one of them"
"She's just a slvt, b!tch only knows manipulating"
"Did you see how the members couldn't even give there ending ments because of her...she probably did that to seek attention...such a wh0re"
"I don't even understand why a non worthy person like her is the replacement for woojinie"
Do I even deserve all of this? For giving it my all? Do I even deserve this? For trying so hard?
That day, JYPE released an official statement stating the conditions I had performed under at the time of the concert and further issued a strict warning for netzians trying to manipulate other fans or ridiculing the members or their actions, along with the new set of rules for concerts and fanships.
We had also scheduled a mini concert in Busan, followed by an interview to divert the crowd's attention.
But the fans were outrageous, I was being called too frail and weak to be a part of stray kids, I had been accused of pulling the team down and being an irresponsible burden to the group.
Stays had been calling out JYPE for their failed attempt of trying to dodge the heat by taking part in interviews and shows and also for their lousy training process and management.
The company for sure was in trouble..I had seen people's careers end within legit 7 days of their debut, It had been months since we started training together
But it had been only 4 days since my debut showcase. I was scared. Will my career end in just 4 days? What will I do? All the insecurities that I had put away years back when I had ingrained confidence in myself had come back. I was scared of any flaw that could be counted as a drawback to the team.
And there went hours of self loathing into it.
"Su, come out and have some dinner...we've got a flight tomorrow morning..you need to sleep early" said seungmin as he knocked on my door, snapping me out of the harsh strain I had put on my mind.
*The next day*
Bangchan told me over dinner yesterday that a false schedule had been leaked to the press and the media about our landing on the Busan airport, so we weren't expecting a lot of attention that day. We got off the escalator completely covered in black clothes and concealed faces with masks and in front of the door, I saw the crowd, the intensity of the crowd. The number of people that were there waiting for us to get into the cars or bombard us with questions were more than the number of people that had come to the concert.
This wasn't supposed to happen, we had to get to the car, quietly. How did so many people even find out, the hell happened, I thought as the flashes and clicks of cameras shun through out the room. The eight of us had paused ourselves there wondering whether to get out or get back to the airport and wait for the crowd to clear out a bit.
The media was waiting, to potentially get every possible bit that they could that day.
"Proceed, the crowd won't clear up so soon..it'd be a waste waiting" was what I heard as I noticed changbin opening the door and initiating possibly the worst ever media escape.
I had been somewhere between hyunjin and Lee-know and in front of bangchan who always trailed at the end of the line.
5 of our members had successfully avoided the crowd and were seated in their respective cars.
Hyunjin walked ahead as it was my turn to face the media. As soon as I stepped closer to the group, flashes shun through my eyes, blinding my sense of direction, the fans had broken the barricades and jumped over all boundaries, they escaped the bodyguards and had now encircled me in a smaller environment. I felt suffocated and cornered. I had been pushed to I don't know where. I closed my eyes and covered my ears..not really knowing what to do..I felt myself falling to my knees when someone striked my back with a water bottle sort of thing. I mumbled a little scream when I felt someone's grip on my hand,I looked up to see hyunjin gripping hard on my hand as he guided me out and blindly looking down, I followed.
I sat in the car and finally relaxed out a bit. I had my hands on my head.
"ARE YOU OKAY?" hyunjin asked flustered.
"You were right, hyunjin " I mumbled
"WHAT?"
and I kept repeating the same thing again and again.
"ARE YOU OKAY IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW? DID YOU GET HURT?" hyunjin screamed at me and I immediately snapped back.
"YOU WERE RIGHT, I DONT DESERVE THIS TEAM, MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE..I AM NOT CAPABLE OF ANYTHING, ALL I KNOW IS MANIPULATION AND ESCAPISM..I DONT DESERVE WOOJIN'S PLACE..you were totally right about me when you said I don't deserve being in stray kids or when you warned me about the severities of being the only girl here..i should've listened and left" I went on and on as hyunjin shook me.
"Calm down, calm down , calm down" I heard him as he looked straight into my eyes.
My face was all red...hot tears had been streaming down my face..and uncontrollable sobs left my mouth, all of it depicting the clear anguish inside me.
From loathing to anxiety, this had escalated into a breakdown. A bad one.
"No, no, no, I was wrong, Su, I was totally wrong. You deserve this team..i had been going through a real bad phase right there..the rage had blinded me, i failed to notice how good you are..I told you already..you're a damn good performer, Su...one the most skilled ones I've seen...I'm so sorry for being a jerk to you..for not being a good teammate, a good brother...I'm really sorry..training and performing with you had made me realise how good and important you are for the team, for the group.." I heard him say.
"But they're right..I am a sour to their eyes..standing between you guys..I look out of place" I said
"No, Su..that's not true..you aren't out of place..you complete us as a group..you practically carry the vocal line sometimes and you stabilize the dance order, you're even better than him, Su." Said bangchan.
"It's not you speaking all of that, it's the hate...they've made you so concious about yourself..but you need to know..you're the better future of our team, Su." Hyunjin followed.
"Don't let that get to you" he said in a clear cut instructive tone
"And talk to us, if you need to, don't keep it in" he continued.
The car ride went silent, the sound of my muffled sobs were echoing throughout until I had finally decided to speak after about 20 minutes.
"I'm sorry guys..I had too much on my mind..I think I needed a breakdown" I said..with my nose red and voice hoarse from all that crying.
"Oh it's alright...that's what we're here for, we're all brothers..doesn't matter" I heard Chan say with a boxy smile.
"Yeah, as long as you're good..it doesn't really matter.Besides, we've seen each other like this for so many times..I know for you it's the first but take it as a sign...we've grown to be closer out of all such breakdowns" i saw hyunjin pretending to nodd off to sleep.
I hummed back.
"Prove yourself worthy, Su..that's what the world cares about" Bangchan said as he looked up at the sky, his eyes glistening with the stories of his very own past.
I don't really know if it was them talking to me that helped or the breakdown that helped. But I had certainly reconciled some faith in myself. I was some what determined to prove myself worth a watch, a deserving candidate.
Chan had told me not to exert myself again and I had ensured him I'd take good care.
I was now on another level of dopamine performing those songs at the mini concert that night.
The interview as well went so fine...it sort of took my mind off things
And there I found myself preparing for my first mama, so soon.