Y/n paced the length of her apartment, fuming. After the conversation with Koyo, she had left the Agency, ignoring the questions her coworkers asked as she grabbed her coat and stormed away.
All this work, all this time, all this effort. At the end of the day, Koyo had been right. Y/n missed the violence, the bloodshed, the chaos of her old life. There was a comfort to it, it was what she knew best. The rules were simple and everyone stayed in their place. The threats loomed and things made sense.
Of course she had hated it there, had wanted out, but this life was not what she had wanted instead. Sure, she had changed. She had become weak, pliant. She had been dumb enough to try and ask for help.
A part of her had hoped that changing as a person would change the way she felt. Y/n had been holding onto that hope for so long. It was a frail thing, a blinding light. Koyo had shattered the bulb. There was a power when she hadn't cared, when she'd almost been trying to die. Empty and rabid had felt empty and rabid but kinder and brighter? That felt empty too. At least in the Mafia, she had had something to direct the empty at.
Y/n needed to talk to someone, to vent. Diaries didn't cut it now she'd had the real thing. She felt ruined, she felt weak. She wanted and wanted and wanted and yes she had always wanted but before the wanting had been hollow. Now, it had shape. Now, she wanted Chuuya.
The idea alone of seeing the man, speaking with him, was enough to calm her rage the slightest bit. It was like some part of her decided that if she was with him, everything would be okay. As if on cue, the doorbell rang.
Y/n rushed to the door, throwing it open. She exhaled sharply through her nose at the sight of Dazai outside it.
"What."
Dazai smiled kindly at the flaming girl as she crossed her arms over her chest. Jutting a hip out to the side, she tapped her opposite foot impatiently.
"Quite a show you put on in there."
"Yeah?"
A pause.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Y/n sighed, peeking her head out the door way. She looked one way down the street and then the other before turning to Dazai once again. He wasn't what she wanted in this moment, but it was better than nothing. He would have to do.
"Fine."
She grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside and shutting the door. They sat down at the kitchen table across from one another.
"What did you go in there to talk to her about?"
Y/n glared at him.
"I said it wasn't for your ears, snake."
"Ouch."
She rolled her eyes.
"What she said wasn't true you know. We figured out who those Americans were. They're from an organization of gifteds called The Guild. She fell too under their attack."
"Is that your idea of comforting me?" she scoffed defensively.
"You would never let me do anything else."
Y/n knew he was right. The tension left her body as she leaned her elbows on the table. Her hands finding her head, she watched the grains of the wood.
"Why did what she said get to you so bad?" Dazai asked after a moment, "You've never been quick to anger like that, not unless it was a show or you had a good reason."
"You sure? You heard her: I am empty and rabid. I'm a stray fucking dog. I bite the hand."
"You were." Dazai corrected, "She said you were. And I happen to agree, you've changed."
"For the worst."
"No. I don't think so."
She looked up at him in disbelief.
"I used to be powerful, effortless. Limitless! I used to be strong. Now I can't even do my goddamn job right."
"You used to be trapped."
"Oh great! And now I can grow flowers. Hooray for me!"
Dazai sighed, shaking his head slightly.
"I thought you wanted to change."
"I did just..." Y/n paused, "not like this."
"You wanted to live in a story. You wanted to start over."
"Yeah. I guess." Y/n admitted.
"The best any of us get is a second chance. You've been given that. I've worked quite hard actually to hand it to you."
"Not that I had a say in it." Y/n grumbled, folding her hands on the table and resting her chin upon them.
"You hold onto that so dearly, so desperately. Are you afraid about what it would mean if you wanted to join the Agency? You said yourself you're happier here."
"I don't know."
"Why do you hold onto it?"
It was too much for Y/n. She didn't trust him but, in some strange way, something in her must have because she let go.
"Everything is just so much. The world feels like it's... closing in on me. Like I'm standing in the eye of the storm and its getting smaller and smaller and I can see everything whirling around out there around me but I can't understand any of it. If it wasn't my choice, then it's not my fault I guess."
"Y/n."
She looked up at him.
"Yeah?"
"That's why I'm here. To help make sense of it."
"Sure."
"Really, I'll be your interpreter. If that would make things easier for you."
"I don't... I can't talk about any of it with you."
"Why not?"
She straightened up, facing him dead on.
"Dazai, you chose to leave because you wanted to be better. I was hungry. I would have taken anything, any way out."
"So you admit it was your choice then?"
"Since it's so important to you, yes. I do. I was too scared to do it on my own but you guys pushed me. I never would have otherwise."
"Left the Mafia?"
"Joined the Agency. I'd left the Mafia before, I'd..." she trailed off.
"Would you have left it again? Now that you had Chuuya?"
"I... I don't know."
She looked away.
"He's the other part, isn't he? The part that 'isn't for my ears.'"
His voice was uncharacteristically despondent.
"Yeah." Y/n sighed, "But you are too. That's mostly why it's not for your ears. Besides, even if it was just him, you're biased as hell."
Dazai laughed and she turned back to him.
"I can still listen, if you just need to get it out."
"You can shut up to save your life."
"Yeah but you don't have to take my advice."
"You're just trying to get information out of me. Aren't you." sudden realization struck her and she leaned forward slightly, her eyes narrowed, "This wouldn't have anything to do with that 'game' you and Chuuya are playing, would it?"
Dazai held his hands up in surrender.
"Guilty as charged."
"Oh god. I wish you guys would stop making me a game." she shook her head in disapproval.
"Oh don't worry, you're not the game. You're the prize."
Y/n's brow furrowed with confusion and he stood up.
"The prize?" she asked, getting to her feet as well.
"Since you don't want to talk to me, I'll leave you be. Unless, you want me to stay?"
Did she want him to stay? When she was around him, it was like being around Chuuya. Both men made the world a little less scary, a little more manageable. She shook her head.
"I think I need some time to think."
Dazai nodded and headed towards the door. She followed him in silence, opening it for him. He stepped out into the early evening.
"Dazai?"
He turned back to her, the door frame separating them. Worlds apart yet still somehow right next to one another. Her cheeks flushed lightly pink and she looked away in shame.
"Thanks. For checking in on me."
He smiled, ruffling her hair gently. She made no move to bat his hand away and his smile grew just the slightest bit larger.
"Of course. I wouldn't dream of doing anything else."