I listen to the sounds of my friends, cackling and laughing as they build a snowman.
"Henry!" Arlo tackles me into the thick layers of snow.
We sink down, our bodies covered by the crisp, cold, white snow.
"Arlo!" Nellie shrieks, "You made our snowman fall!"
Arlo and i both sit up, seeing the head of the snowman crumbled.
I begin to laugh, which makes everyone else burst into giggles.
I soak up the sounds. I live off the serotonin of my best friends laughs and energy.
I've been working with a therapist, and i'm starting to heal. I'm starting to feel better. Some days are good, some days are bad. But i'm not in the constant state of depression i was in.
I can feel again. I can enjoy myself.
I can enjoy being alive most days.
But some days, aren't like that.
~~
I put my pants back on and my entire body shakes in its own way.
Why did this happen to me?
Did it actually even happen?
Aren't i meant to want this?
Didn't i like her?
Was it rape?
No. I should've wanted it.
It's my fault.
I wipe my cheeks and take deep breathes.
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.
The door opens again and i gasp until i realise it's my friends.
They come into the room and crowd on the bed as they all talk and laugh.
I'm trapped in my screaming head.
I need to tell someone now before it's too late.
"H-hey, can i talk to you guys about something?" I ask.
They all go silent and nod looking at me.
"M-mary, she came in, and we h-had s-sex, i-i didn't want it." I say.
I need to tell someone now.
They all smile and high-five, "Yes! You finally got her." My friend Alec says.
I shake my head, "It wasn't like that."
"Nah bro, you're tripping. You fucked the hottest girl in school!" My other friend, Mitch says.
"Yeah man, you should be excited! This is amazing!"
I nod, "Yeah," I whisper.
~~
I sit up with a gasp and i begin uncontrollably sobbing.
I've never seen that day so clear since it happened. I've never remembered it like that before.
I bite on my hand trying to calm myself but everything is so far out of my control.
My body takes its own path as i grab my phone and call Nellie.
I muffle down my sobs as it rings.
Please pick up.
Please pick up.
Please pick up.
"Henry?" Her soft voice echoes.
I can't breathe. I can't move. I can't make a noise.
"Henry? It's 2am, what's wrong?"
"Nels." I sob.
"Hey, shhhh," I hear shuffling through the phone, "What's wrong?"
"I can't do this anymore,"
"I'm on my way, Henry, stay with me."
I sob, "Baby, i can see it. I can see it."
"What can you see, Henry?"
"Her, i can see her, Nels. S-he," A sobbed scream escapes my mouth. I want to get out my head. I want it to stop.
"I'm almost here, i'm almost here." Her voice turns to deeper panic the more she speaks.
"I'm so sorry, i'm so sorry." I tug at my hair.
"You don't need to be sorry, there's no sorry needed."
"I'm sorry i woke you, i'm sorry, i'm sorry i'm here."
"No my baby, shhhh, it's okay, my sweet boy. It's what i'm here for."
I pull my hair, screaming into my pillow.
"I'm nearly there, Henry, i got my keys ready and everything. How about we try and breathe okay?" I hear the sound of her indicator.
"B-breathe, too, hard." I gasp out.
"Okay, baby, hm, can you tell me what Chelsea's favourite colour is?"
"P-purple?" I answer, confused, barely breathing.
"Yeah? I like purple too. Do you like purple, baby?"
"D-dark p-purple." I answer her random questions.
"Dark purple is pretty cool isn't it?"
"Y-yeah."
"Do you wanna get a dog one day?" She now asks.
"I-i want a dog and a c-cat."
"What kind of dog, sweet boy?"
"C-corgi." I muffle my sobs.
"Those are very cute, aren't they? What would you name it?"
"Mozzarella."
She giggles, "I love that name."
She crawls into my lap and begins to kiss me.
I let out a small scream, pulling at my hair, causing it to rip a little.
"Stop it, stop it," I sob.
"Henry i'm pulling in no-."
The line cuts off as she hangs up on me.
I hear the door unlocking downstairs and footsteps coming up.
I sit on my bed trembling.
Why am i here?
I don't want to do this anymore.
I wish i was de-.
"Henry," I feel hands cup my face and i look up and see Nellie staring down at me.
"Sweetheart." I cry.
"Shhhhh, i'm here."
"I-i-it hurts."
She nods, "I know, i know."
"I want it to go away."
She nods letting me talk and calm how i need.
Having her here helps me.
"Did you have a bad dream?" She asks softly.
I nod, tears flowing.
She wipes my tears, her hands holding my face.
"Why did it have to happen? She ruined my life, i loved her and sh-s-she done this and now i have to live with it for my entire life."
"I know she did, but you're gonna show her, and the world, that you're so much better than that. And that you can overcome it."
I nod, my breathe simmering down.
Nellie gets me to lie down, and she grabs some snacks from my snack draw, and she cuddles into bed with me, wrapping me in her arms.
"Thank you for calling me." She kisses my forehead, her hands running in my hair.
"I love you Nellie, so much."
She smiles, and i hear her heart speed up.
"I love you so much." She kisses me softly, "If you wanna sleep again you can, okay? I'm here to protect you."
I nod, hiding my head in her neck.
"I've got you," She soothes me, sooshing me to sleep.
I mumble incoherent words, letting myself fall asleep under her safe touch.
hes a little too real