I immediately rushed out of the theater, practically dragging Chloe and Lizzie with me without explaining a word about what had just happened. They were both surely puzzled and concerned, even bombarding me with questions, but I couldn't find the words to answer them. My mind was a fucking chaotic mess right now, and all I could think about was getting away from this place.
We reached the car, and I even freaking fumbled for the keys, shit, my hands trembling as I opened them. As I finally unlocked the car and slid into the driver's seat, I felt their eyes on me, their confusion and worry was basically all over their faces.
I looked away so they won't see my frantic face, but Chloe spoke up, her voice tinged with concern. "Y/n, what happened? Is someone chasing us?"
I gulped, No.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart, but the images of Cate kept flashing in my mind, her eyes founding mine, how her smiling lips faded when she saw me.
How come you're here?
I quickly turned on the engine and finally replied without answering her question, "Let's get out of here."
I didn't look back at the theater anymore, not even for a second. My hands were still shaking as I gripped the steering wheel, trying to put some distance between us and that place. I could feel Chloe and Lizzie exchanging worried glances in the backseat, but I couldn't bring myself to explain w̶h̶a̶t̶ who I had just seen. It was like my throat had suddenly gone dry, and words just couldn't come out.
She shouldn't see me.
The road ahead seemed like a blur as I drove on, and my head was a mess of things I can't process with a right mind. I couldn't believe I had run into Cate, right here, right now. It felt like a fucking cruel twist of fate, that the things I've been scared to happen is finally coming.
How long has she been here?
How the fuck is she here?
"Uhm, I think you were supposed to turn right?" My thoughts were all over the place, and I didn't even realize I had missed a turn. Lizzie's voice snapped me back to reality, and I end up cursing myself from my mistake.
"Shit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I mumbled in a bit frantic while focusing on the road as I turn back to the right direction. "...Would it be okay if I'm only going to drop you off today?"
"What? why?" Lizzie immediately replied, "You said you're staying the rest of the week, right?"
I glanced at them through the rearview mirror, and my heart ached as I tried to find the right words. "I... have to take care of something today-- Just something important," I replied, the tone of my voice were obviously not telling them the truth. "Uhm, work stuff."
Chloe chimed in, "But what about your things? Is this about a while ago?"
I swallowed hard and tried to muster a reassuring smile. "Don't worry about my things; I'll take care of them. Just tell Ms. Anderson that I'm still going to help out on Friday... Please?" I turn my head over them as I park the car in front, "Would that be okay?"
They look at each other for a moment before nodding at the same time while they quickly getting their bag and said their goodbye. As Chloe and Lizzie left the car, I watched them go, their confused expressions still etched on their faces. It pained me to see their worried looks, but I couldn't bring myself to explain everything. Not now.
The weight of the encounter with Cate still bore heavily on my shoulders, and the only thing I could think of was getting back to my apartment and shutting out the world.
I accelerated the car, my thoughts are like a discord in my mind. How come she's in this town? Why the fuck did I looked back again? The questions in my head keep piling up and it makes me lose my mind, but answers eluded me. The road blurred as I drove, each turn feeling like an escape of a guilty person who just loves to fucking run away.
Arriving at my apartment, I couldn't shake off the sense of urgency. I rushed inside, the sound of my shoes echoing all over the place. As I reached my door, I fumbled for the keys again, hands trembling, unlocking the door that broaden my panic. As soon as I stepped inside, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it while trying to catch my breath and make sense of everything that just happened.
This isn't what supposed to happen.
My heart is still racing as I walked back and forth in my living room, trying to think, and think, and just fucking think.
What am I going to do now?
Why is Cate here?
Do I need to leave immediately?
The apartment felt smaller now, closing in on me as if the walls were conspiring to keep my thoughts trapped. I needed some air, but the very idea of going outside again, possibly encountering Cate once more, paralyzed me.
As I thought about finding out what could be the reason of Cate being in Germany, I reached into my pocket yet, for unfortunate reasons, I had left my phone with Lizzie when she took a picture of us in the theater. Then, I thought about my laptop which made feel a little bit hope in me. I quickly went to my room, the panic settling in as I desperately searched for my gadget. I fucking need to know why. I tore through my room, papers almost flying in all directions as I rifled through my belongings. My hands are still trembling, my frustration keeps fucking increasing.
I went under the bed, the closet, places I don't even know why I'm looking there.
Then, in the midst of my frantic search, it just hit me again. I brought the laptop to the village yesterday. My heart sank as I stood in the middle of my room, hands on my head, stressed, shock and all the other things whatever I'm feeling. I gripped over my hair as my eyes betrayed me once more, tears are now escaping and rolling down my cheek.
"Fuck," I muttered in defeat as I hide my eyes through my hand, "Fuck me."
I sank onto the edge of my bed, the weight of the situation crashing down on me. The room felt suffocating, always suffocating, and the walls seemed to close in. My tears blurring my vision once more, and I couldn't shake the feeling of frustration and helplessness again.
"Please Y/n..."
Cate's face is all I could think about, more than I had thought of her everyday. The way her eyes met mine, the surprise and recognition in her gaze - it was like reopening a book I had desperately tried to keep closed. Why didn't she just listened to me?
"This isn't supposed to happen," I whispered with my clenching fists, tears keep falling all over my face, as if Cate will ever hear me.
As I sat there, tears streaming down my face, consumed by the thoughts of everything I can't let go, a sudden unease gripped me. I wiped my tears, trying to regain composure, when a shiver ran down my spine. It was as though someone had walked over my grave. With unease, I turned my gaze toward the terrace, my heart pounding louder than the chaos in my head.
And then, horror gripped me.
With a jolt, I sprang to my feet and rushed towards the sliding door. I peeked a little as if there's even something I would see down there. Then, with anxiousness, I immediately closed the curtain.
As if the universe is really playing with me right now, a sudden knock on the door outside echoed through the apartment. The sudden voice outside nearly made me jump out of my skin. My heart raced as I hesitated, unsure of who could be on the other side.
"Y/n, it's Martha! Can I use your oven again?" She said in her thick German accent along with another set of knock.
It's just Martha, the old lady who's living across mine. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath, trying to compose myself before responding.
"Uh, yeah, sure, Martha. Just a minute!" I called out, my voice strained and shaky. I hurried to the door, hastily unlocking it, and forced a smile as I greeted her. "Hi, come in."
"Thank you, dear. I hope I'm not bothering you," Martha exclaimed in gladness, as I ushered her Inside of this apartment.
I managed to shake my head, my eyes darting to my room for a brief moment, praying to my head she will not see the chaos I made inside. While walking to the kitchen before her, she was telling me how she already called someone to fix their oven, rambling she could ask her brother but--
"Is everything alright?" Martha inquired suddenly as we entered the kitchen, her brows furrowing as she studied my face. "I know I talk damn much but girl, you're silence is killing me sometimes."
I chuckled lightly, hoping it would be enough to reassure her. "I'm sorry, I was really just invested with your story."
She smiled, though her expression told me she wasn't entirely convinced. Martha was the kind of neighbor who... I don't know, trying to get close to me? Given the fact that she's been living alone here, I guess she's just seeking a sense of connection, maybe even some companionship.
As her tray of cookies are finally on the oven, we chatted away while I'm internally trying to gather myself. The chaos of everything that had consumed me moments ago felt somewhat distant now, buried under the facade I was maintaining for Martha's sake.
Martha continued sharing stories, her words a distant hum as my mind raced with thoughts of Cate. The scent of the cookies filled the room, making me feel a bit hungry from it.
I tried my best to engage in the conversation, making the occasional comment or nodding along, but my mind kept wandering. I couldn't shake the image of Cate out of my head. Is it her trying to find me? is it a coincidence? But her face was shock when she saw me-Why the hell did I looked back?
"Y/n?" Martha's voice snapped me out of my thoughts again. "... You really seemed a million miles away. Is something bothering you?"
I blinked a few times, trying to refocus on the conversation. "No, no. I'm sorry. Just... a work thing, you know?" I offered a weak smile, hoping to reassure her.
Martha gave me a knowing look, but she didn't press further. Instead, it was right on time that the cookies were done so, her attention drifted away from mine. As she busied herself with the cookies in the oven, I excused myself to go to the bathroom, needing a moment alone. The bathroom door clicked shut behind me, and I took a deep breath and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I immediately winced.
God, I looked like a mess-teary-eyed, freaking exhausted, and emotionally drained. Does Martha notice these or is it just me? I needed to compose myself, to figure out what to do next.
As I washed my face, I couldn't help but replay the scene at the theater in my mind all over again. The way Cate's eyes met mine, the way she saw me crying-Fuck. She saw me crying!
I opened the door with frustration inside, and Martha was there, still attending to the cookies. The aroma wafted through the kitchen, making my tummy grumble a bit.
"I hope you don't mind me touching your plates," She suddenly said, probably hearing me going out of the bathroom, "I grabbed some for you as well, It'll make you feel better."
As Martha spoke, a pang of gratitude mixed with guilt hit me. She was trying her best to be kind and considerate, and here I was, caught up in my own world. "Thank you. I really appreciate it," I managed to say, attempting to put on a genuine smile in my face.
She beamed back at me, handing over a plate with some freshly baked cookies. "Now, I'll leave you to it. You seem like you need some rest."
As soon as she left, I slumped onto my couch while still holding the plate of cookies. The warmth of the kitchen and the aroma of the cookies should have been comforting, but the chaos in my mind persisted. I stared blankly at the plate, nibbling on a cookie absentmindedly. Each of it seemed to carry the weight of my questions, and the very thought of her knowing where I lived sent shivers down my spine.
I mean, okay, I'm over reacting. How would she even know my place? She didn't even expect to see me there.
I couldn't shake off the feeling that Cate's appearance was more than just a coincidence. It doesn't make sense, but does she ever have expectation to see me here here?
...And why does this suddenly important?
As I nibbled absentmindedly on a cookie, my gaze wandered around the room. The TV caught my eye, and a flicker of realization hit me - Gosh, yes! I could search on my television! Technology!
Yet, I wrestled with conflicting thoughts. On one hand, the desire to make sense of this unexpected encounter pushed me toward the TV. On the other hand, I looked so ridiculously desperate, like someone who uses the media just to have answer from all of this.
I shook off the paranoia and powered on the TV. The screen flickered to life, and I grabbed the remote, quickly going to the google bar area to start searching in.
'Cate Blanchett Germany'
I pressed the enter button, and the search results on the TV screen immediately displayed in a split second.
IMDb
Cate Blanchett
Cate Blanchett. Actress: Carol. Cate Blanchett was born on May 14, ...
Wikipedia
Cate Blanchett
Catherine Elise Blanchett AC is an Australian actor and ...
Entertainment News (1 day ago)
Cate Blanchett in Dresden, Germany
i saw cate, send help #iamnotokay #cateblanchett ...
Seeing that there's a recent post from yesterday, a mix of relief and confusion flooded over me. I clicked on the post, and the article revealed that Cate had arrived in Dresden yesterday, presumably for a movie she was set to film. Tár was one I vaguely remembered being announced months ago.
Relief washed over me. She wasn't here for me; there's a purpose, a reason for being in Germany and that's her probably starting to prepare. It's much more sense, it's not just a coincidence.
The tension in my shoulders released, and I sank back into the couch, the plate of cookies now a comfort rather than a burden. I couldn't help but chuckle at the irony of the situation. Here I was, frantically searching on my TV to find out why she's here, and the answer lay more obvious than I thought.
...But why-
I shook my head, dismissing the thought my mind created. It was absurd. I can't. It was almost two years ago and if ever she did, I would immediately know.
But Cate didn't. She didn't find me, just like I told her.
So, I can't.
I have no right to be disappointed, to hope, to expect something impossible.
And that's my fault.
I made myself forbidden for her.