1- Jamie
Jeff has been gone for a month already and we are fearing the worse. I didn't even know he had left.
Slender didn't tell me right away but I found out quickly enough when he didn't visit me during my week in the infirmary. When Slender finally told my why he left, I was furious, but I was also a little hurt that Jeff didn't wait for me to wake up. Since finding out that not only had my baby died but that I won't be having another child, I really could have used some help, even if Jeff has no idea how to comfort someone. Still, just being near him would have helped a little.
But he's gone and I'm alone with a crushing depression that takes all my strength and fighting power with it. The first three days after waking up were the easiest because all I did was sleep and wonder where Jeff was. After I finally stabilized and realized that Jeff was gone, my emotions started plummeting into the bottom of a dark well. It's been easy to hid it from everyone else but Slender can't be fooled.
He knows, probably better than I do, what I'm feeling but he just doesn't understand it. I think Slender knows the name and facts about all the problems that can happen to a human-mental, emotional, or physical-but I don't think he knows exactly how to place the name with the feeling itself. After all, how would he know what depression felt like?
A soft breeze causes the trees to sway and the high grass to ripple around me. The meadow Jeff showed me a few years back did indeed look beautiful in the summer. An army of ants march their way across the top of the blanket I'm sitting on, paying no attention to me. I'm almost grateful for that. After being watched closely by all the others, it's refreshing to be reminded that, when it really comes down to it, my pain doesn't matter. The world goes on. I should do the same.
"Jamie," I look up at Slender. He stands towering over me, the trees behind him shifting in a breeze.
"Yes?" I ask, looking back down and messing with the corner of the blanket.
"What are you doing? You told me you would stay inside." I sigh and close my eyes. "Jamie, I know what you are thinking."
"Then why ask?" I ask, laying back with my eyes still closed. "It gets boring having to stay in that mansion all day. I want to get out and do stuff." I don't mention that the real problem isn't boredom, but having to sit in bed and stare at the door, hoping it'll open and reveal Jeff.
"There is plenty to do at the mansion and you know that. You are just making excuses because you do not want to be at the mansion."
I sit up, a spark of emotion where everything used to be just dead lights up and I glare at Slender. He holds out a hand to me and I smack it aside.
"Yeah, you got that right! I don't want to be there. I want to leave because there's nothing there for me."
"Nothing there? So Gold is not your friend, your life with Jeff is nothing? The past three years you spent with us are nothing?" He asks and a static grows in my head from his anger.
"Don't even start that! Jeff is probably dead-"
"We don't know that yet."
"-I lost my baby and my mom-"
"Which is tragic enough."
"-and Gold can't even possibly begin to understand what is going on with me." I scream, tears starting to form in my eyes. "There's this pain in my chest that feels like a hole. It's not sharp and quick, but dull and everlasting. It hurts to even breathe and I don't want to move or get up. I don't even want to cry because that will take up too much effort. It's almost like every day is a struggle, and every week is a fight, and every month is a battle and every year is a war. Every year here has felt like some war just to survive but I've finally been hit with the killing blow and now I don't know what to do."
Slender stays silent for a few seconds before asking, "Who is it that you are fighting with?"
"Myself."
We stay there in silence for several minutes. Then he holds out a hand to me again. This time, I take it. He pulls me off the ground and helps me stand. When I'm upright, he reaches over and wipes the tears off my face. I didn't even know I had been crying. Slender then takes my hand and leads me out of the meadow and back to the mansion as if I were a child in need of his guidance.
2- Jamie
I stare blankly at myself in the mirror, contemplating my reflection. My hair is longer, going past my shoulder. My eyes are surrounded by dark circles that show my sleepless nights and my skin is paler than usual. The clothes I wear hang awkwardly from thin shoulders and I wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to hide from myself how much weight I've lost.
I look despicable. Not wanting to see anymore, I close my eyes but still my thoughts stray to the girl looking back at me in the mirror. That's not me. It's not possible. How could I possibly look like that? Sure, she has my face and every movement I make, she makes, but there is no way its me.
When I open my eyes again, I almost expect to see something different, but I'm disappointed with the reality of my situation. I don't look like me.
My hands go to my cheeks and I touch them softly, surprised by the lack of baby fat that I've always had trouble losing, even though I was now twenty years old. As I touch my cheeks, my hands brush through my hair and, suddenly, I'm looking at that.
It's longer than it used to be. During my two years on the run, it had to keep it short or risk it being pulled and leaving hairs as evidence. But, in the time I've been back, it's grown fairly long.
I hate it.
My eyes stay on my hair until a burning pit of rage builds in me and my hands start shaking. I turn from the mirror and look around my room desperately for something, anything I can use to cut my hair. It doesn't take long for me to find a small pocket knife and I snatch it up before going back to the mirror.
I look at myself once more, just to be sure I wanted to do this. My face twists in disgust at what I see and, without a second thought, I grab a chunk of my long hair, bring the knife up and slice it off. I move on to another section, doing the same. Then another section, giving it the same treatment. I keep grabbing pieces of hair and slicing it off, not caring how uneven they are, until I'm left looking at a girl with short hair similar to a boy's.
My eyes can't leave my face now and my hands run through what's left of my hair. It's still long enough that I can still grab onto it but I wouldn't risk cutting it off out of fear of cutting my fingers or head with the knife. Despite that, it's still shorter than I've ever let my hair be cut. The floor around me is littered with the strands of my hair and some are even on my shoulders and clothes. I brush them off onto the ground.
The rage I had felt before is gone and now, looking at my hair, a deep feeling of regret takes its place. It starts off small but then I'm left on my knees, whispering over and over to myself, "No, no, no, what did I do?" My hands start shaking again and I pick up the strands of hair, not able to believe what I was seeing or what I had done. I stay like this for several minutes, continuously muttering to myself until I come to my senses.
It's too late. What's done is done. I sit back on my knees, close my eyes, and sigh. I stay in this position until I begin to calm down. When I've collected myself enough, I stand back up and leave my room to go to the kitchen for a broom and dustpan.
I was hoping not to run into anyone but since I am once again staying on the thirteenth floor, I end up walking past several pastas. Some don't recognize me and look at me distrustfully, probably thinking I'm a new addition while the ones who have seen me around before stop what they were doing and gape at me. I pretend to ignore them and continue going down the stairs until I reach the first floor. It's only after I'm leaving the kitchen with a broom and dustpan in hand that I run into someone who actually really knows me.
"Jamie?" Slender stops in his tracks and the confusion from the mental link tells me everything I need to know. "What in the world have you done?"
"I wanted a haircut." I trail off and look down.
Slender kneels down in front of me and takes the broom from my hands. I don't resist or try to stop him but when he tries to tilt my head up, I turn my head quickly to the side and squeeze my eyes shut. His hands touch my face gently, but firmly, and he turns my face towards him. I still don't open my eyes as his hands run softly through my hair.
"Idiot girl." He pauses. "I will see if I can at least fix it or get someone else to fix it so you do not look the way you do now."
"I'm sorry." I whisper quietly.
Slender stands up straight, not responding to my comment. Instead, he puts an arm around my shoulder and leads me up the stairs. I walk along beside him. When we get to my bedroom on the thirteenth floor, he sweeps up the hair from the floor and dumps it into a bag.
Slender has me sit on a chair and he moves it so that I'm facing the mirror again. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and Hoodie walks in, his mask off and in between his hands. The door opens wider and Darcy follows him in, looking around awkwardly. When Slender sees them, he gestures for Hoodie to leave the room and Hoodie does as told, with Slender following behind. I look down at my hands and Darcy steps further into the room, not saying anything or following them out. It's silent for several minutes until I hear Hoodie sigh loudly.
"She's a big girl." Hoodie snaps.
Just barely, I hear Slender say, "Quiet down. I do not want her to hear."
"Why not? You're handicapping her by doing this." Hoodie says, raising his voice slightly.
"Brian." Slender's tone has changed. "Quiet."
"She needs to know."
"She's not ready."
"See, there you go again. You need to stop! Weren't you complaining about Jeff doing this exact same thing? Stop holding her back. It's why she is the way she is."
Slender doesn't respond. Or maybe he does but I just don't hear it. It's a few more minutes before Slender walks back into the room. Hoodie is gone, probably off to do something else. I stay quiet as he closes the door behind him.
"Not to be rude or anything, but since it seems like no one else is going to say anything about it, I will. Jamie, what the hell did you do to your hair?" Darcy puts her hands on her hips and frowns down at me.
I bite my lip and swallow hard but don't respond. Slender stays by the door, not bothering to join in the conversation. When neither of us respond for several minutes, Darcy looks back and forth between us then sighs in exasperation.
"What is she doing here?" I ask quietly.
"Yeah, what am I doing here exactly?" Darcy snaps, looking pointedly at him.
Slender shifts awkwardly by the door. "I figured Darcy here would be the best one to fix your hair problem."
Darcy looks back over at me and stares at me for so long that I begin to feel nervous and awkward in my own skin. Then, she walks over to me, still staring. Her hands reach out to touch my face and I flinch away from her, causing her to stop and frown. We stay like that, my face turned from her outstretched hand, for several seconds before she reaches out to me completely and runs her hands through my hair.
Without taking her eyes off my face or moving from her position, she calls out to Slender and says, "Yeah... I can do something with this mess. Do you have any scissors?"
Slender pulls out a pair and hands them to her. Darcy takes them and goes behind me. I look down and close my eyes as she goes about fixing my hair. A few times she tells me to tilt my head or look a certain way and I do as she says. I don't even notice she's done until she tells me that I can open my eyes already. For a second, I hesitate, scared of what I might see in the mirror. When I do open my eyes, I'm surprised by what I see. I stare at myself for a long time, completely forgetting about Slender and Darcy.
"I tried my best. You didn't leave me much to work with." Darcy sighs, crossing her arms over her chest. I look at her, speechless. "Well?"
I nod slightly, trying to indicate without words that I like it, and she just stares at me again and shakes her head. Slender opens the door, gesturing for her to leave. Darcy goes to the door, letting Slender go out before her.
"The least you can do is say thanks." She looks at me from over her shoulder, standing in the doorway. Slender moves to push her out but she stays firmly wedged there.
I swallow the lump in my throat. "Thanks... Darcy."
For a second, her facial expression doesn't change. Then, she smiles, waves and closes the door behind her. They start to walk off and I listen to the sound of their footsteps on the floor. When I'm sure they're gone, I look back at myself in the mirror. It's a huge struggle to look at my reflection so I close my eyes again, tucking my head to my body and curling up into a ball on the chair. I stay that way until my body starts aching from the awkward position. When I just can't stand the pain anymore, I get up and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
I'm back.