Trigger warnings!
Reference to eating disorder
Struggles with eating
Brief reference to suicide
As soon as my eyes fell onto my calendar, my heart sank. Amongst my job and the chaos of the week, I had completely forgotten one of the most important events of the year. Lizzie and I's four year anniversary.
I slumped down onto the sofa, yawning and stretching out my limbs. We had gone to the studio early today and had been working on songs for hours, specifically concentrating on the instrumental and production side. I should've considered this sooner so I would've been able to send her a gift in time. Maybe I could buy and send one now and tell her it was delayed.
I scrolled through the list of films on my TV, waiting for something to catch my eye. While I was searching, I tried to come up with something we could do on our anniversary. There wasn't much you could do long-distance. We would probably just call each other and call it a day. Schedule to get dinner together next time we were together or something along those lines. My mind was way too blurred to come up with a creative gift or celebration idea right now.
After scrolling pointlessly for another few minutes, I switched off the TV and opened up my phone. What I really wanted to do was call Taylor and meet up with her but I didn't want to be irritating. And she was probably with Joe anyway. He had made it clear he didn't want me near him.
The TV was switched on again in a matter of seconds and instead of trying to find a new film or TV show, I opened the category I had clicked on over a hundred times in my life. The first marvel movie that appeared was Avengers: Age of Ultron. That would do.
I pressed play and threw the remote control next to me, tugging the blanket onto my body and bringing my legs up to my chest. It wasn't long before it was obvious that my choice of movie was unwise in my current circumstances. The sight of Lizzie over and over again kept reminding me of her and our upcoming anniversary that I had forgotten about. The complex situation I now had to find a fix to quick.
As I watched her, I smiled to myself remembering the night we met. We had both been nominated for a Teen Choice award and as soon as we had gotten to the venue, Taylor and I had headed straight over to the marvel cast to introduce ourselves. Even though Taylor wasn't a huge marvel fan, she knew how much this moment meant to me and wanted to be there for me in case I got anxious. She happened to be a member of the marvel cast that was there.
We weren't that close during the first few years of our friendship. But in 2018, everything changed. She wanted a place to stay in New York but didn't want to rent an apartment on her own and I just happened to have a spare room. It was convenient for both of us to be roommates since we would only have to pay half the rent each.
I should've seen it coming really, what happened next. I sat back, reminiscing the first few years of our love, the silly dates, the warmth, the closeness, the spark. It had been so perfect. So why was it beginning to fade? Where had we gone wrong? I could keep denying it but it was growing painfully obvious. Something had changed between us. Where did the love I had go?
I shook my head. I was being ridiculous, of course I still loved Lizzie. It was just difficult being long-distance with her, that's all. Right now, it was complicated. But that's what souls are. A complex array of pieces and string woven together that twists each time there is even a little bit of movement. A multidimensional portrait scarred by the paint strokes of life, memories and the consequences of being human. An interpretation that differs depending on the eyes that follow each ridge in the artwork.
Souls.
"I love that idea," Taylor said. After a night of scribbling down ideas and sketching concepts, I had rushed into the studio the next morning and presented my idea to her, describing each and every detail strewn across the page. "It's a beautiful album name. And it matches perfectly with the songs we've written for the second album." So far, we had produced whimsical and light-hearted songs for Souls, a collection of stories inspired by both evermore and folklore, perhaps their long-lost, younger sister. It took place just at the start of spring, glimmers of the cruel winter behind found in some of the music we had written but laced mostly with new hope and evergreen. A journey weaving between light misted pine trees, rays of sun slipping through the leaves as the chatter of a brook whose ice had just melted rushed past.
"Do you have any ideas for the first album?" I questioned. Taylor shook her head. The songs we had created thus far were dark and dramatic, pain carved into each realm we had explored through our lyrics. But nothing we had thought of captured the true, haunting beauty of the album. We would just have to keep thinking about it. "Honestly, I'm really hungry. Want to eat lunch now?" I said, reaching for my bag.
"Uh, sure," Taylor said, coughing a little before setting her lunch onto the table. We pushed things out of the way so we had a clear space to eat. I was feeling lazy today so had bought a meal deal for my lunch. But I honestly wasn't complaining, I loved meal deal pasta.
I noticed that Taylor seemed to be slow organising her lunch and eventually opening her food container. Her hand was shaking as she clutched her fork in her hand and I frowned.
"Taylor?" She shook her head, dropping her fork and burying her face in her hands. The temperature of the room plummeted in seconds and I rushed up to her, kneeling by her side and slipping an arm around her shoulder. Her sobs were muffled by her hands and I held her tight, hundreds of thoughts rushing through my head. It was all happening so quick. Had I done something? Was it something I said? Then I thought back to the way she had got out her lunch. Her attempt to start eating it. My heart thumped against my ribcage. Please let it be something else. Please. "Taylor?" I repeated, a little more desperate this time.
She dropped her hands into her lap, tears slipping down her face. She leant into my touch, her body trembling.
"I don't know why," she said, "it's just been so hard." No. This couldn't be happening. Not again.
"What's been hard?" I said, the last trace of hope leaving my voice. There was silence.
"Eating." My heart seemed to stop. I bit down on my lip, my eyes beginning to burn slightly before I reminded myself who this was about. My feelings could wait. I stood up and pulled her into my embrace, her head resting on my chest and her arms wrapping around my waist. I let her cry into my jumper for a few minutes as I held her, playing with her baby hairs to calm her. "I promise I'm happy with my weight and how I look," Taylor said after her sobs had dwindled away, "I don't know why this is happening. I don't want this to happen again. I don't know if I could go through it all a second time."
"Listen," I said, cupping her face and lifting it so she was looking up at me, "it won't be like last time. You've told someone, that's the biggest step you can take. You can talk to your therapist and we can take it day by day together. It'll be okay. Remember, healing is never linear. This might just be part of the process." That's what I had to tell myself. That it would all be okay. She'd be okay. She got onto her feet and hugged me, burying her face into my shoulder.
"Can we finish early today?" she whispered, pulling away, "let's go do something fun. Just us."
"Of course," I said, intertwining my hand with hers. "Let's go." I hoped this would keep our mind off things. If I got lost in my thoughts now, I had no idea what state I was going to spiral into. There were already unpleasant memories starting to stir at the front of my mind and I didn't know what else this situation was going to awaken if I didn't distract myself. And God knows what mental turmoil Taylor would go through if I left her alone.
We took our bags with our essentials, leaving the rest behind. It's not like anyone else was going to be in the studio, no one who would steal our stuff anyway. "What should we do?" I asked as we walked towards my car. She wiped away her tears with the edge of her sleeve before grinning.
"Can we go bowling?" she said.
"Sure," I said, letting go of her hand and getting into the car. I drove us to the bowling alley we used to go to all the time, knowing it was the quietest in the area and we would get the most privacy possible. Before getting out of the car, we put on sunglasses and a mask, putting up our hoods to hide our identities as best as possible.
Taylor clutched my hand in hers and pulled me towards the entrance, urging me to walk faster. We booked three games and as soon as we reached our bowling alley, she made sure to give herself her usual nickname. I rolled my eyes as I looked up at the screen.
T Swizzle.
"Could you be any more original?" I said. I knew exactly what I was going to put for mine. She gave me a playful slap on the shoulder as soon as I typed in my nickname.
TaylorSmells.
"Aren't you supposed to be twenty-seven?" she said. I ignored her comment and gestured to the bowling balls.
"Go on," I said. She readied the bowling ball in her hands and positioned her feet, swinging forward with skill. The ball glided over the floor, moving slightly left before knocking down a pin which ultimately caused a domino effect and won her a strike. Typical. As soon as her score popped up onto the screen, I rolled my ball forward but at an awkward angle. Just as it was about to reach a pin, it slid into the gutter.
"Who smells now?" she said.
"Excuse me, you're five years older than me," I said, "you should be more mature. And the game's only just started, give me a chance." She threw her next ball and just like mine, it rolled into the gutter. On my next go, I jumped for joy as soon as the bowling ball knocked over half the pins down, boosting my score so I was right behind Taylor. But my small victory seemed to ignite a spike of adrenaline in her and she sent her next ball flying across the wood, earning herself another strike. "That's not fair," I said.
"Just admit I'm better than you," she teased. I shook my head.
"Never." But of course she went out of her way to prove me wrong. After three games, she had well and truly claimed her victory.
"Told you I was better," she said as we walked out of the bowling alley towards the car.
"I was only ten points behind you," I said, "the game was clearly rigged." The sky had started to darken and I pulled my coat a little tighter around myself, the stars starting to emerge into the navy dipped horizon.
"Sure," she said before changing the subject, "shall we go home now? It's getting a bit late."
"Sure," I said, "mine or yours?"
"Yours if that's okay." The drive home was just like the other night; we blasted out music while shouting along to the lyrics like reckless youths, the world outside the windows a blur. It was times like this which reminded me that I was glad I survived the night I nearly lost everything. I would've had to live somewhere without my best friend. And even when life gets tough, which it will, there is always light if you search hard enough for it. It may be small. It might not be constant. But even for a short interval of time, it'll keep you warm and safe. Don't ever forget that light.
If you need to, plant a memory garden to make sure you remember. But not just so you remember the light; so you remember what you've left behind. How far you've come. The embers that have burned us for better and for worse but regardless, they've left a scar on our soul. Perhaps some things will never be able to grow in your garden. No daisies, no carnations, no morning glory. But you'll always find a poppy somewhere, a shattering, scarlet diamond stained by the blood of the ground yet as beautiful as the sun. Because even out of something ghastly, goodness still perseveres and survives.
As soon as we entered my apartment, I organised snacks for us while Taylor chose something to watch. I knew she might not eat anything but I wanted to give her the option. I made sure it was a different selection of things; chopped fruit, crisps, pretzels and carrot sticks with hummus. Hopefully she'd eat something small from the selection. After setting the snacks down in the living room, I made us both a hot chocolate to warm our hands and sat down next to her on the sofa, pulling the blanket over our bodies.
"What did you pick for us to watch?" I said. I glanced at the screen and saw that it was Spiderman: No Way Home. "Are you sure? Tonight is about you, remember?"
"I know," she said, placing her hand on top of mine, "but I genuinely love this movie. And I know you do too. So it's perfect."
"As long as you're sure." Even though I'd watched it so many times, I still reacted the exact same every time I saw this movie. Taylor held me as I cried when Aunt-May died and shared my excitement when all three spidermans appeared on screen. I couldn't hide my smile as my favourite spiderman, Andrew Garfield, stepped through the portal and Taylor gave my hand a squeeze, knowing how much I loved this scene.
I held back tears after he saved MJ and talked about Gwen, her death never failing to make me sob uncontrollably. Finally, I felt my heart break into a million pieces after everyone forgot who Peter was, especially the blank look MJ gave him when he walked into the cafe. But even though I was totally engrossed with the movie in front of me, I still noticed the small chunks of apple Taylor ate every so often. By the end, we were both cuddled into each other, our empty mugs on the table and our eyes rimmed with red.
"We look a mess," I said, looking over at her and giggling a little.
"Yeah but I think you look slightly worse," she said. I couldn't stop grinning as I gazed at her, my best friend. I had promised to fight for her, no matter what. We'd hit another rough patch which was terrifying to both of us, whether we admitted it or not but I was going to do everything in my power to get her through it. I had to. She yawned and I pulled her onto her feet, the blanket falling onto the floor.
"Let's go to bed," I said.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?" she said, "I don't want to be alone." I gave her a quick hug.
"Of course. I'll go get you some pyjamas." As soon as we were ready for bed, we slipped under my duvet and she snuggled into my side, her head resting against mine and her hand draped over my stomach.
"Goodnight Y/n," she said as I switched off my bedside lamp.
"Night Taylor. If you need anything, even if I'm asleep and it's the middle of the night, you wake me up okay?" She nodded.
"I love you so much," she said.
"I love you too," I said. Platonically of course.
..........................................................................
May 2016
"What happened?" The blue, faded curtain engulfing us cut off the rest of the world, the harsh, bright lamp shining white onto her face. The ward was silent, a clock that's outline could only just be made out in the darkness showing that it was 3am. Twists of wires and an array of plugs and appliances I couldn't name were attached to the wall, the lingering smell of disinfectant stinging at my nostrils. Taylor's body was stiff, her face like porcelain, the mattress cover beneath her tight-fitting. I slid my hand into hers.
"You fainted. As soon as you were backstage after your show, you just collapsed onto the ground." The expression on her face didn't alter in the slightest. We didn't talk for the next few minutes as Taylor processed this information and her surroundings. I drew shapes on the back of her palm with my hand, observing her as I gave her the time she needed.
"But why would they put me in hospital for that?" she said. My heart sank.
"After checking your blood results and your health... they decided you should be here." Her expression was even more sceptical now.
"But why?" She seriously didn't know? Perhaps she was too exhausted to think properly. I didn't want to overwhelm her but she deserved to know the truth.
"Taylor..." I hesitated, "you haven't been eating properly." I figured that's all I'd tell her for now. The damages the doctors had found could be discussed with her when she was in a better head space and with a professional who knew much better than I did. Her face crumbled.
"Where's my Mom?" she asked, her voice weak.
"She left because it was getting late. She'll be back in a few hours." Taylor squeezed my hand tight.
"You stayed?" Her voice was barely audible and I leant my head closer to her, letting her lean against my shoulder.
"I'll always stay. I promised. We promised." I felt my shoulder grow damp and I slipped my arm around her shoulder, holding her close.
"Does the media know?" I shook my head.
"If they even catch a little bit of it, we'll tear their banners down," I said, "we're taking this battle underground. It's all in good hands, you don't need to worry about it. Please just focus on yourself." I closed my eyes, trying to calm my breathing and trembling hands. It was only four months ago since we were last here. But that time, it was the other way around. I thought we would never go back. I thought we'd found our four-sided clover; our lives were starting to look up again. But the stitches in our shared wound had dissolved, the crimson blood it shed spilling all over our newfound luck.
"Are... are you ashamed of me?" she said. My eyes widened in disbelief.
"Of course not Taylor. Why would you think that?" I saw her finger hovering above the feeding tube she had now noticed.
"Because... It's weird, isn't it?" she said, "not... not eating." She was struggling to form her words, pausing and tensing up each time she spoke.
"No, it isn't. Eating disorders are legitimate mental illnesses and there is no need to be ashamed of struggling with one. You deserve help. You shouldn't have to feel like all your curtains should be drawn so no one can see you struggling and you should continue to drink your poison all alone with no one there to pour it down the sink. There are people who love you Taylor. We want to be there to help you recover and that starts today. I promise. I promise you'll get better now we know." It was more than a promise. It was a vow. A year ago, we were still living our sweet dream. An innocent friendship with no sacrifices or hardships sewn into its fabrics. But it was over now. This was real. This was war.
Taylor closed her eyes, her mind too fuzzy to comprehend anymore. The next few steps were going to be slow. But that was okay. "You can rest," I said, "we can have this conversation again tomorrow. With your Mom when you're more awake and you're not so overwhelmed." I felt her nod against the skin of my neck.
"Okay," she said. I kissed the top of her head. It wasn't fair, why did the best people have to go through the most pain? Had I done this to her? Had my suicide attempt made her ill?
I fought back my own tears, knowing now was not the time. I had to stand up with my head high like a captain, my battleships ready to fight until they sank beneath the waves.
I had to be brave. For her.
A/n - Guys wtf, thanks for 4k reads, that's insane? And 152 votes? WHAT? Thanks so much, your support means the world. I love you all so much <3