TW-Mentions of unaliving and abuse
Christmas day with my dad was nice. Since he moved back to England I haven't been able to spend the holidays with him. Christmas time is an expensive time to fly so it never worked out. We spent the day with his friend's family, since his parents were dead, the divorce with my mom, and the death of my brother, he didn't have anyone but them and me.
I never wanted to loose my dad. When he left it took a big toll on me, I was always close with him, my mom and I hated each other, and he just moved away. I slowly realized the reasons why he did and it made sense, but at 17 years old I just needed my dad.
We didn't talk for a year after he left, I was mad at him, he never stopped calling or texting. Finally, when I was ready I reached out to him and we were able to fix things, and I visited him the year before I left for university. Getting to spend Christmas with him for the first time in years was one of the best days of my life, and I resent myself for depriving myself of the year I lost by not talking to him, but he always made sure I forgot.
I called my mom that day, catching up and sharing a morning coffee together. When Jack, my brother passed, she became very depressed. We would have horrible fights before that day, but when it actually happened, I believed she resented me for it. I know she would never admit it, that he was her favourite child, but for years it felt like that. We stopped fighting after that day though, mostly because she didn't leave her bed for a while, also because she didn't want to loose another child which meant patching things up with me.
My dad, my mom, and me all hated Christmas day. Christmas day was the day my brother decided to take his own life.
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After calling my mom, we decided to open presents that afternoon. We were all adults which meant the childhood excitement of waking up early to open gifts had left and we would all wake up late afternoon.
My dad opened the gift I got for him and he looked so happy.
"Now that I work for Arsenal, I have connections"
I winked at him as he was trying on the signed Liverpool Jersey, his favourite premier league team. Henderson's name on the back with a few signatures from some of the players.
He gave me a hug and thanked me.
We spent the rest of the day drinking, eating, and spending time all together, forgetting about what this day meant.
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I made the drive back to London on the 27th of December and got back in the afternoon. I wanted to spend a couple days down in Frome, to forget about how weird my life had gotten here in London.
Leah and I hadn't talked, at all really. We wished each other a happy Christmas, but I wanted to give her some space. I know she wasn't too mad, knowing what actually happened to him, yet it was still a lie, and lies hurt.
I didn't know when she wanted to talk about it, we were supposed to go to a New year's party together with some of the other Arsenal players, so it had to happen before then. I thought about it before deciding to text her letting her know I was back in the city, that way she could decide when the right time was.
Abi: I'm back in London
Leah: Can I come over?
She was quick with the response as always, but I was shocked that she wanted to see me so soon. Maybe I was overthinking everything and she didn't actually need space, maybe I ruined things. I can't stop getting out of my head about these things.
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Leah came over thirty minutes after sending that text. When I let her into my flat she didn't hug or kiss me like she normally would, instead she just took her shoes off and went to sit on my couch.
I could tell she was upset, I did basically ignore her for three days, but I also lied to her, I hurt the girl I was falling in love with.
"Why didn't you text me for 3 days?"
This was the first thing she asked me.
"I thought you needed space"
She nodded like she understood.
"Look Ab, I was upset when you lied of course, but I knew there was more to the story, I couldn't be mad at you for lying about something like this, but you ignoring me, I thought you were breaking up with me or something"
She was an over-thinker too.
"I was never breaking up with you, I think we're both just getting in our heads too much"
"Yeah, so why did you lie"
I took a deep breath, preparing myself for telling the story, the story that changed everything.
"Um, I guess I'll start with what happened before, my mom and I never got along growing up, I found myself working so hard for everything I had, when my brother barely lifted a finger and he got everything"
That was the easy part.
"When Jack turned 9 he was diagnosed with autism, he would have meltdowns at school, and the teachers didn't know how to help him so they would lock him in rooms, where he would throw chairs and break things, I guess it was him crying out for help because it would only make things worst"
"Jack is that your brother's name?"
"Yeah, he started getting bullied, my parents put him in different types of therapies, trying to help him find strategies and stuff, but nothing was working, the bullying was getting worse, same with the meltdowns, and then he became violent at home"
She put her hand on my thigh.
"The first time he ever hit me I was picking him up from the bus stop since we went to different schools, he punched me in the face that day and broke my nose, He switched schools when he turned 11 and he would get home before I did, he started locking me out of the house and I would sit outside until my mom got home from work, on the days he would let me into the house he would beat me so bad that I would have to barricade the door to my room so he couldn't get in, he was younger than me, but he was filled with so much anger that he would take out on me"
I paused, catching my breath, Leah stayed silent.
"Then things got worse, he was 14 at this point he started threatening to kill me and one day he had a knife, he didn't do anything, but I told my mom and she called me selfish, saying he would never hurt me and I needed to stop thinking about myself and care what he was going through, I did care though, I hated that he had so much hate inside of him at the age of 14, I told her about all of the abuse too, but she didn't care and always thought I was lying"
We had a second of silence again.
"The abuse kept going on, and I began to hate him, I was tired and at this point I wanted to move so far from home, I had about a year and a half of high school left, I was just trying to push through, until Christmas day 2014, I woke up that morning going to make myself a coffee, and there he was lying on the kitchen floor, covered in his own blood, lifeless"
"I'm so sorry you had to find him like that"
"Except I didn't scream or cry, I immediately called 911 and woke my parents up, I feel so horrible saying this, but there was a part of me that felt relief, that I didn't have to endure that abuse anymore, and I have never been able to get rid of the guilt I've felt because of that and that's why it's easier for me to forget it ever happened"
"You both went through a lot, you can't blame yourself for anything"
"1 month after he died, my parents got divorced, and my dad moved back to England, my mom blamed me for a bit for everything, until we stopped fighting and we went to therapy to fix everything that happened, she worked so hard to be a better mom for me, and she was, so I decided to devote my entire life to my parents, to become the perfect child and achieve the greatest things in life, to fulfill not only my life, but the life my brother could've had as well, that's why I couldn't be gay, I always thought a part of that perfect life would be me marrying a man, then I met you Leah Williamson, you made me realize that a perfect life means me being happy"
She sat there stunned, which was fair everything I had just told her was a lot to take in.
"Thank you for sharing that, I'm sorry you went through all of that, you know you changed things for me too"
"Really, how so?"
"I never really knew life outside of football, football was my life even when Jordan and Alina were in the picture, when I met you, I knew there was life outside of it and that I want to experience that, with you"
I leant in and we shared a kiss, It felt like it was our first one all over again. We were at a new stage in our relationship, there were no more lies.
We spent the rest of the night together.
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It was New year's eve and we were headed to Beth's place for the party. There were other Arsenal girls there, and a few other friends and family of the players.
Everyone was drinking, playing games, and letting loose before the next stage of their season began. It was a good night and Leah and I were both very intoxicated at this point.
It was time for the countdown and I sat myself right beside Leah.
We counted down and Leah and I shared a kiss once the clock hit 12.
"To many more New year's kisses Leah"
"To many more Abi"
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A/N:
-To anyone struggling or if you know anyone who is please please please reach out to friends family, or hotlines, or also me my Inbox is always open. Everyone is so love and deserves to live great lives so never forget that.
-Thought I would end the chapter on a happier note with a small bit of a new year's party.
-Love you all, as always I appreciate all of the love:)