A/N----- this is now the present time, after the pool scene.
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Anntonia POV
I am glad Michelle and I are finally okay.
Although not quite.
We've been doing the things that we do before the night of happenings. But I can feel that she still has this wall that she's trying to put up between us. Is she perhaps trying to push down everything because she has Rain?
I mean, I wouldn't know. We haven't talked about that night kaya kating-kati na ako na malaman ba kung ano ang nasa isip niya.
Did the kiss really mean anything to her?
Ivan has been pestering me. Sunod siya nang sunod sa'kin. Tomorrow, I'll break up with him na. Besides, I only stayed with him for this long kasi....
Well I wanted this woman to be jealous. I'm not even sure if it's working kasi parang wala lang naman sa kaniya. What's the use of staying with that dog, right?
"What're you thinking, Porsild?" she asked me while she's reading a book. I'm here inside her room because I didn't get to see her the entire day since nag-absent pala siya para pumunta sa racetrack kasama si dad. Our brief interaction by the pool area is still stuck in my mind.
I just missed being close to her.
"Nothing, just some stuff." malambing kong tugon sa kaniya. I pulled the book away from her, I wanted to cuddle with her pero lagi lang siyang tumatalikod sa akin. I placed her book on the bedside table. Pinakiramdaman ko muna ang susunod niyang gagawin.
"Sleepy?" she asked while she's creating a space between us, plopping a pillow in the middle. She's holding her head while her elbow is resting on the pillow. Tumango lang ako sa kaniya.
"Good night, then." she gave me a small smile, still making her eyes invisible. Tumalikod na ito sa akin.
I lay down and faced the ceiling. "Dee?" ilang segundo muna ang lumipas bago siya sumagot.
"Hmm?"
"Are you sleepy?"
Humarap siya sa'kin nang nakakunot ang kilay. But she raised them immediately to help her eyes open. Nakatulog na nga ata siya, naistorbo ko pa.
"Let's go out muna sa may pool?" I asked her. I don't know, I want to feel the surroundings, instead of being locked up in this room.
Napaupo siya at kinusot ang mata. She yawned for a while before facing me. Haha, cute.
"Okay." she didn't even ask me why I want to be out, she just stood up, grabbed our slippers and walked on my side. With one knee on the floor, she placed my slippers and assisted my feet into wearing them. "Thanks." I quietly murmured. I went straight to the door but she entered her closet first, when she got out she's already holding two sweaters. She nodded her head signaling me to follow her.
We walked downstairs side by side. It's too quiet, I glanced at her and I can't read any emotions on her face. When we reached the pool area, she guided me to the furthest part where we have a mini gazebo. Instead of sitting on the bench, she did a mini jump to sit on the table. She patted the space beside her, to which I immediately followed what she's asking me to do.
The sky is a bit clear, its color is a beautiful kind of dark blue where the light of stars are visible, the moon is crisp with its thin crescent shape, and the clouds are lit up by its glow. I tracked my eyes subtly, not moving my head, just to see if she's also staring at the sky. She has this small smile on her that always makes my heart melt. I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from giggling.
"Why were you at the racetrack earlier?" I asked her to break the silence.
"Just getting my mind off of things." she answered, still looking up at the sky.
I nodded slowly, not knowing the reason why I pulled her here. I just want to be present with her. Whatever happens next, I'll just let the flow of the wind guide me into peace, hopefully with her by the end. We're both wearing silky night pants and short-sleeved polos, so I shuddered as the wind touches my skin. She senses it immediately, so she pulled down the sweater from my head and assisted me in completely wearing it in my arms and torso. She did the same with herself.
Humalukipkip siya, siguro ay para mas makadama ng init.
Here we go.
"I'm breaking up with Ivan tomorrow." did she not hear me? She glanced at her phone, but I saw the time and it's already 1:43 a.m. na pala. "I mean later, I'm breaking up with him later." dagdag ko pa para makuha ang atensyon niya.
"Really? I thought you liked him. Boto pa nga sa kaniya pamilya natin e." she said while looking at her feet.
"Not really, he has no substance." hinampas ko muna nang mahina ang braso niya kaya finally ay napatingin na siya sa'kin. "It's not like this is news to you, you know I don't stay with men if I don't feel like it na."
There's a hint of amusement in her eyes, she's looking back and forth from my left and right eyes bago niya iniwas muli ang tingin niya, but mine stayed on her face.
"Ikaw, how are you with Rain?" she suddenly laughed like I mentioned a joke. I furrowed my eyebrows and slapped her thigh.
"What do you mean, Porsild? There's no me and Rain." I rested my head on her shoulder so she can't see my hinting smile.
"She broke up with her boyfriend. Guess what?"
"What?"
"Guess nga e."
Napaisip ako ng rason kung bakit sila nag-break. Don't tell me she already has feelings for Mich?
What if Michelle is already courting her na pala, that's why technically wala pang sila.
She raised her shoulder to nudge me from my thoughts. "Huy."
"Uhm...I don't know just tell me." my heart is pounding hard, afraid that she can hear it from how close we are to each other.
"Ram turns out to be gay, he was cheating with his male editor. And....guess what?"
I sighed a breath of relief but I followed it with a low chuckle to hide my initial reaction.
Then a thought came to mind that made me lift my head and face her with wide eyes. "Omygod was he on Grindr too?" she nodded while forming her lips into a thin line to prevent herself from laughing.
"I mean, congrats to him I guess for his newly found identity? But damn him for being a cheater." I loudly exclaimed.
"I know, right? Hahahahaha" nagkatitigan kami saglit with wide smiles on our faces. Pinutol ko ito nang ipatong ko muli ang ulo ko sa balikat niya.
"So, if hindi na si Rain. Sino na?" I tried to voice out my question like I am just gossiping with her.
"Hmm....so there's this girl. She's straight so, bounce."
Ah.
So there is a girl.
Ayan, Anntonia. Ang bagal mo kasi.
Hindi na ako nakaimik. Tanging binabalanse ko na lang ang paghinga ko at ang pagtibok ng puso ko.
"Anntonia...I..." she paused for a moment. "I'd like you to be there on my birthday, with me, at all times. I don't want you to feel that you are just a guest or a family member. Be with me, right beside me at all second. Is that okay?" nalito naman ako sa ibig niyang sabihin.
"Of course I'll be there, I'll even piggy back ride you so I'll never leave your presence." sinakyan ko na lang ang trip niya. Binalot kami muli ng katahimikan.
"Michelle"
"Anntonia"
Sabay naming tawag sa isa't isa kaya natawa kami bigla. She scratched the back of her head and lowered it, staring at the floor while biting her inner cheek. Ako na lang ang mangunguna.
"When we were in high school, I envied you for being free. You didn't care about what would people say or think about you. So I told myself, I wanted to be just like you. I followed you around, because I know you'll never abandon me. You've always protected me, and I'll forever be thankful."
I gulped the forming bubble in my throat.
"I don't know if...you even remember the time that you...gave a peck on my lips. We were eating fish and chips, and there was mayonnaise on my corner lip. Pinahiran mo 'yon and nagulat pa ako nang ilapit mo 'yung pinampahid mo sa bibig mo to clean it off. I was startled by that, and was even more annoyed when you did the peck thing."
I glanced at her, she's now looking at the pool area, watching how the water is moved by the wind.
"Anyway, I'm glad that you were my first kiss. I mean, it wasn't a kiss, I know." hinawi ko ang buhok ko palikod kasi kinakabahan na ako ngayon.
"So, the kiss you gave me during the pageant was technically not the first." I heaved a small chuckle, glancing at her, still quiet. I guess I'll be continuing.
"I have always supported you with...everything. You're having fun, and I'm having fun. We also have fun with each other doing the silliest things, talking about the most random things...so I guess what I'm trying to say is. I just don't want anything to change between us. I want us to be the Michelle-Anntonia we used to be, from day one up until....until before that night."
I saw her swallow hard, followed by her deep exhale.
"Ever since that night --- no." umiling ako. Teka, kailan nga ba 'to nagsimula? "Ever since you made me feel like I am the most special person in the world, I don't exactly know when. I just know that we've been there for each other literally and figuratively since day 1. So that night that you kissed me..." I bit my lip, suddenly my mind went blank. I don't know how to continue.
"Just....thank you. Thank you for being my best friend and my rock." fuck. I don't wanna back out but her silence is driving me to the edge of a cliff.
She stood up and faced me while I am still sitting on the table. I slightly looked up at her to see the complete expression on her face.
"Anntonia, I am really sorry I did that to you. I know it caused a lot of chaos, not only to the people who witnessed it, but also to our family, especially to you."
Is she saying that the kiss was a mistake?
"Let's just forget about it. Hmm? I'm giving you the apology that you needed. Don't think about me anymore, about how....why I did it and how it affected me. The past month that I was away from you, and the moment I came back here, even though you physically showed me that what I did was completely messed up, I understand it now. I've forgiven you already." she said while she's cupping my cheeks. She gave me a small smile before she turned around and started walking out of the gazebo. But she just stood there, not facing me.
My mind is in shambles. My heart is knocking out of my ribcage. I feel so stupid for thinking that she might feel the same way.
I finally had the courage to stand up and walk towards her to face her.
"Ganiyan ka na lang ba talaga? Pagmumukhain mo akong tanga, pagkatapos ay ikaw pa ang naghihintay ng tawad mula sa akin na parang hindi mo ako ginago?" I stared directly at her eyes.
She kissed me in front of thousands of people. It did something to me, it meant something to me. I shared my heart to two important woman in our lives, and they're rooting for me. But now I feel so stupid.
Why did she even kiss me if it already meant nothing to her?
I know she feels the same way, I want to believe it. I am not dumb to not notice her subtle reactions, her subtle changes, especially when she came back home here.
Call it delusional, but I am getting an answer tonight, may it be good or.....heartbreaking.
I don't care anymore of what she thinks.
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Michelle POV
Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko at niyakap ang buong baywang ko. Hindi ko sigurado kung ano ang takbo ng isip niya ngayon.
At one point, magsasabi siya ng pasasalamat niya na best friend niya ako pagkatapos niyang sabihin na sana bumalik na lang kami sa dati, tapos ngayon, kung ano-ano ang lumalabas sa bibig niya.
Ano ba ang gusto niyang mangyari?
Kahit na gulong-gulo na ako, gusto ko siyang yakapin. Gusto ko siyang hilahin at iparamdam na ginusto ko 'yon.
Tumingin na lamang ako sa langit para pigilan ang mga luha ko at para rito ko lang ituon ang pansin para hindi ko siya mayakap.
"Tumayo ka diyan, huwag mo nang pahirapan ang sarili mo. Huwag mo na akong pahirapan."
Mas hinigpitan niya ang kapit sa akin.
"Kung ikaw lang din naman ang pagmumukhain akong tanga, araw-araw na akong magpapakatanga. Sabihin mo lang sa'kin, ako pa ba? Ako pa rin ba? Ako ba ulit?"
Tumahimik ang kapaligiran. Parang biglang tumigil ang ihip ng hangin, ang tubig na nasa harapan namin ay naging kalmado.
I shut myself from everything and everyone, just so I can breathe and give this woman the space I think she needed.
Did that kiss mean something to her?
"A-Anntonia."
"Michelle, I love you."
Ano raw?
Hinila ko ito patayo. She's already crying that's why I pulled the ends of my sweater to wipe of those tears.
"What did you say?" I asked her while I'm cupping her cheeks. I am staring at her lips and fighting myself from kissing her already. I heard what she said. But I want to be sure.
I looked up and she's already staring deeply into my eyes. She leaned closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. Her lips crashed into mine as she closes her eyes, and so I did too.
This kiss is different from that night. This one is deeper, and much more passionate and calmer.
She started moving her lips, sucking my lower lip. Within a second, the once calm kiss turned into a hungry one as I started to move my lips as well, kissing her back.
The cold I was feeling just a minute ago suddenly got washed away. Heat is radiating from my spine, to my arms, and to up to my neck. I slowly pulled away from the kiss to stop myself from wanting more. I decided to rest my forehead on hers, fighting the urges she suddenly provoked. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders as hers are still wrapped around my waist.
"I said I love you, silly."
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A/N ------ happy weekend hahahaha :)
last chap for the meantime.
- blue