[ DATE: 12/25/2022 ]
[ POV: ??? ]
On a cold and dark night, I would find solace in the lone yet gentle embrace of my room, uncaring of the messy and disorganized state it was in as all my focus was poured on one sole thing, one song.
"Stay in the middle, like you a little~"
The song in question would of course be none other than NewJeans' Ditto, a cheerful yet meaningful track that holds a lot more nostalgia and sincerity than its rhythmic beats would show. Granted, with the success Ditto has already seen within just a few days of its release, I'm certain that most of everyone already thinks the same.
"Don't want no riddle. Malhaejwo, say it back~"
And I was no different as I happily danced to the tune, flowing along with it like a familiar companion. A soothing energy filled the air, and I felt a small and cute smile form on my face as the joy the music brought resonated throughout the four walls of my room.
"Oh, say it, Ditto~"
Outside, the cheerful atmosphere was no different as winter night unfolded - painting the world with cold winds and the joyful carols of people. Unfortunately, there wasn't really any snowing happening in my hometown, although the enchanting ambiance the season brought more than made up for it.
"I want you so, want you, so say it Ditto~"
Naturally, there were also a lot of guests and relatives over as it was Christmas Eve, with the family bonding over shared stories and great food as the present year neared it conclusion.
I for one, however, gladly chose the solitude of my own private space over the festive clamor that was happening downstairs - having never been the most sociable or outgoing of people.
"Done practicing, son?"
Fortunately, my parents always acknowledged my inclination to avoid large gatherings, with my mother calling out to me as she entered my room - bearing a plate laden with a hearty meal that she had cheekily sneaked out from the still ongoing Christmas party.
The aroma of the home-cooked dishes, mingled with the cool December air, immediately caught my attention, creating a haven of warmth as I nodded in response to her question before commenting - "Woah, that's a lot of food.."
"Thanks a lot, Mom." I said, expressing my gratitude with a tender smile as I accepted the plate. I wiped the sweat off of my forehead from all the dancing and then sat down on my bed nearby - my mother promptly sitting down beside me as well.
"Whatever new song NewJeans just released, I'm sure it must be really good for you to skip the Christmas Party like that." - my mother jokingly commented, having turned her attention to the TV, which was now playing the somber and melancholic outro to the Ditto B-Side MV.
I replied to my mom's comment with a small chuckle, my gaze also flickering to the TV screen - giving me a fleeting connection back to the world that I so dearly admired but never had a chance to get close to. "You couldn't be more right, mom.."
I muttered in response as I momentarily paused, silently staring into the world being displayed on the TV, struggling to hide the odd connection I felt to Ditto - even though I had never lived or experienced a life as beautiful as the girls' in the MV.
Even my mother seems to have caught on to how I was feeling, giving off the same old motherly understanding that she's given me for as far as I can remember. Expressing a feint and warm smile, she then broke the silence - uttering a sudden remark that felt surprisingly heartfelt for the moment.
"You know, dear, as childish or weird it may even seem for some.."
Curious as to what she may be referring to, I snapped out of my daze and turned to face her, slightly raising my eyebrows as I listened to what she had to say.
"..Me and your Father are glad that you found a group of wonderful people you could turn to for inspiration."
My mom said, her eyes reflecting a sense of fulfillment and joy which, albeit not all that rare, was one that she had never shown before for the K-Pop Idols I admired. For Minji, Hanni, Danielle, Haerin, and Hyein?
Then again, to be fair, my mother and father never tired whenever I would go on about them for hours on end - Whether it be my happy crushing on them, my ever-growing collection of merchandise, my appreciation for their talent and dedication, or even my aspirations to live a life as fulfilling and joyous as theirs, uncaring of the repercussions or challenges that it may bear.
I was taken aback slightly, feeling my heart both warm up and beat with a stronger liveliness. I... was surprisingly glad, although I really shouldn't have been.
Once again, I realized the importance that these people, these idols bore to me, even if they just suddenly appeared into my life at a time I never expected to want or need them. How they rekindled a the lost me that had long died, and how they would always be their for me in my darkest of nights - people I could always turn to.
...yet, at the same time, I questioned myself - that who was I to put such heavy and personal meaning, responsibility, on them like that?
Besides, my silent admiration for them.. that's still all that it'll ever be, no?
My almost blind adoration for NewJeans, one that's most probably not even that special compared to the millions of fans out there - locked behind photos, videos, and songs at best.
A love drowned in silence, cage and never to be expressed to those who deserve to hear it - like the flames and colors that faded away behind the cold winter snow.
"Even if I know them, but they don't know me..?"
I asked out of the blue, unable to stop myself from doing so. My glad smile partially faded away, eyebrows perking downward slightly as my plain happiness replaced by an expression that showed both joy and pain - one that spoke of the adoration, the love, that would never be spoken or noticed.
"Dear, don't say that.."
My mom, quick to notice my sudden change in emotion, then scooted closer. Gently wrapping an arm around me, her lips open, clearly to say something, only to pause halfway through - as if she struggled to find the right words of assurance and, perhaps, also felt as small as I did at that moment.
Watching the TV and getting another glance at the girls though, she did eventually manage to find the words that felt right enough for the situation - words which, despite possibly being marred by uncertainty, fed what I thought to be a lie that we K-Pop fans believed in.
"When they say they love all of their fans, I'm sure they mean it."
Wait, no, it wasn't a lie just for NewJeans, and not even just for K-Pop fanatics. It was a lie that all those who burn with hope and yearning always clung onto.
"And that includes you."
And a lie that even I couldn't resist finding comfort in.
I could only reply with a small smirk that said "really?", chuckling lightly. I sighed after, nodding my head in agreement to what my mom had just said as I then stood up, going to turn off the TV.
"Anyhow.. you'll be seeing them soon enough, no?"
My mom then commented, catching me off-guard as I paused in place - blankly gazing at the screen. This time, however, it wasn't merely a concert or a Music Video that I saw, but instead flashes of a future, a life that could be - a dream that I forgot I gave a chance of turning to reality.
"Oh, stop it, Mom." - I replied, awkwardly scratching the back of my head as I shut the TV off.
"With how horrible I did, I doubt I'd ever even get to the second round.." - I added, shoulders slumping down as I shuddered upon remembering the stupidly brave action that I had just done two weeks ago.
I then turned around to face my mom again, somewhat demotivated - only to see a playful and joking expression accompanying her response.
"Well, who knows? Life has its surprises."
She said, shrugging with a smirk as she grabbed my empty plate and headed out of the room. I then closed my bedroom door and sat back down on my bed, letting out a sigh as I thought to myself.
"(What would even happen if I made it..?)"
I then wondered, recalling all of the challenges and tribulations that those who have gone down similar paths mentioned - ones that the current me would never be able to handle.
"(I know I longed for it ever since I delved into the realm of K-Pop.. but would I even survive?)"
I had no doubt that my parents would endlessly support me, even with such endeavors. But, if I did take that route in life, I know that there will come a point where I could really only rely on myself - my determination to reach a dream I don't even properly understand.
"Besides, what would I even say if they asked why I got there to begin with?"
I said, slipping out a small giggle as I began gesturing out of nowhere - as if I was actually talking to someone whilst I came up with the borderline dumb response I'd have.
"Oh, I got here because.. because I wanted to meet NewJeans."
I joked out loud, saying such a ridiculous explanation without a single hint of shame or embarrassment. After a brief pause, however, I'd find myself muttering the next line with a more sincere tone - my eyes showing weakness at the idea that I'd ever be able to say it to them.
"To.. personally thank them."
I spoke, my voice almost akin to a whisper as a bittersweet smile escaped me - reveling in how easy it was to fantasize the entire situation. Oh, how easy it was to imagine the girls right there, standing in front of me, with everything feeling and seeming so real - only for me to remember that it's a reality that will never be real.
In the midst of my thinking, I turned to the window, eyeing the outside and expecting a winter as dull as usual. An odd snowflake would stand out however, tracing adrift in the cool air and leaving its white trail as if it was enchanted - a figment of a wish so strong that it perhaps came true, making me blink twice to check.
"Wait, snow, here..?"
I questioned, which would bring me back to my senses as I remembered how snowing was never really a possibility in my area. I then playfully slapped myself in the face, concluding that I was probably just seeing things as I then reached out for my phone.
"Ah, stop kidding yourself, man.."
I told myself, trying to stop my delusional tendencies as I tapped through my phone apps with an unexpecting pace, until...
*DING!* - A notification then suddenly rung, catching my attention as I raised an eyebrow in curiosity.
That curiosity would soon grow into something more as I noticed that the said notification was that of a new email, making me begin to swell up with hope and expectancy again - as much as I wanted to suppress such feelings.
"Wait.."
Those feelings only became all the more prominent however as I checked the email's preview, which contained some phrases written in a language which, although I wasn't inherently fluent in, was easily recognizable for me.
"Korean Text? N-No way.. Is this.."
I whispered, the edges of my mouth subconsciously arching up into a genuine smile - speaking of a euphoria that I hadn't experienced in so long. Along with it came silly and light giggles that gradually became uncontrollable.
"It can't be.. It can't-"
The influx of excitement and curiosity took over my system in a flash. Fidgeting and tapping clumsily, I hurriedly tried to get to the email - only for my phone to slip out of my hands and fall to the ground.
"Ay, shoot-"
As I went to pick up my phone though, I'd then find it now facing upward - relaying a message that read all too good to be true.
- But, as shivers ran through my body, I'd realize that my eyes weren't lying.
That it was at that moment... where all of my surprise, joy, and quietly unspoken connection to NewJeans truly spoke its meaning and worth to me.
- - -
The winter plains of Korea stretched out endlessly before us, a familiar yet ever so distant sight.
Minji, Hanni, Danielle, Haerin, and Hyein, engulfed in their coats and scarfs, bundled up against the cold - standing in the snow, few footsteps across from Park Ji-Hu, who reprised her role as Ban Heesoo from the past MVs.
With an echoing click, the cameras then rolled, once again capturing the essence of what made Ditto.. Ditto - the wind carrying the tales of the year that had already passed.
Still, the emotions of the first Ditto recording lingered in the air.
Its magic, the magic of Ditto hadn't faded - I thought; and if anything, it had grown stronger with time.
The girls seemed to share the same sentiment as well, evident by their innocent smiles and genuine happiness - scars of the connection that they had built over time, the joy and sorrow that they all shared and understood like no other.
- And with another click, filming came to a close. Laughter and congratulatory words soon filled the air, a celebration of the incredible year NewJeans had.
The girls exchanged smiles, their expressions showing gratitude for the journey that they had taken together - knowing that even if the weight of the world were to fall on their shoulders, they'd all be there for another.
Quietly, in the midst of the festive atmosphere, I made my entrance. I commended the girls for their stellar performance, a strong sense of pride and fulfillment instilled in me as I had already grown to not only become their advisor - but also their friend.
"Great job, everyone," I praised, my eyes unable to conceal the memories that resurfaced from the moment.
Regardless, the girls, ever so appreciative of my story, the story that they deemed to be the one behind that of Ditto's, thanked me warmly.
Huddling together, they then inquired for the nth time if I would ever bother making a cameo in the video, an offer that, despite being one that I could only dream of in the past, was one that I've already lost count of with how much I've declined it.
Nevertheless, I politely declined it once more, bearing a soft smile. The girls, understanding of my sentiments, respected my decision - then returning to the set for more filming, a sense of youth and nostalgia washing over.
- Watching them freely sprint off into the bright glow of the cold winter, I contemplated the nature of my silent admiration for them - like a moth being drawn to a flame that it hoped would never go out, simply adoring it from afar.
Such was the Beautiful Restriction I had imposed on myself long ago, when I first laid foot into this world - even now as I guide the people who shined like stars in my darkest of nights.
Like the yearning for something beyond, something more, despite knowing that it is a desire that will only burn and never glow. That. That was the true story behind Ditto, for me - and I knew that it is a message I would only convey if I stayed out of sight, even if the girls insisted on me doing otherwise.
For I understood all too well that I, too, yearned for that deeper connection - Yet, my echoing heart, screaming ra-ta-ta-ta, already found meaning even in the unspoken expressions and words that I hid so closely.
- - -
The email started...
[ fr: ADOR ]
- If there was a momentary shift in the universe, I would never know. It felt as if the stars had finally aligned to offer me a glimpse into the world I so desperately held my hand out towards, no matter how bruised or scarred I would become in the process.
So, even as the unnoticed ethereal snow fell outside my window, onto what I knew to be desert sky - the flakes, like delicate messengers, whispered to me promises of a season, a story yet to be unfurled.
A story where even if Winter wrapped me in its cold embrace, I would remain like ghosts in the snow.
For even if destiny and fate itself told me to stay in the middle...
...I wouldn't want to.
- unrequited longing. nights aglow. the warmth of love under the winter cold.
To my favorite ever song, and the tale that saved me.
Happy 1st Anniversary, NewJeans' Ditto <3