As she picked up the envelope that fall from the notebook, Hanni placed the book on her table as she was holding onto the envelope with her both hands before she read what's written at the front of it.
She couldn't contain her smile as you've written 'To Hanni Pham, my best friend.' but soon her smile began fading slowly as she read your name at the bottom corner of the envelope. Breathing out slowly as her heart's calm and feeling peaceful, Hanni carefully opened the envelope as she took out a couple of folded papers.
As the papers were unfolded, her heart was so relieved to see your handwriting after such a long time. As she carefully straightened the papers, her eyes immediately read the letter you've written for her after breathing out a long one.
"To my best friend, Hanni Pham.
If this letter ever reaches you, I just want to say that I am sorry for doing what I did. I probably have no idea how long it's been since I've written this letter before it gets to you, could be on your birthday, could be weeks after, could be months even years. But I just want you to know that no matter how long it's been, you're always will be on my mind.
And I just want to wish you a happy birthday and if it's already passed your birthday then, happy belated birthday Hanni. I really wished I'd stayed for another day just so we could have that food hunting the night of your birthday like we always do.
And on top of that I'm really sorry for hiding the fact that I'm going over to Australia from you. But I needed this. I know I couldn't stay back home at that moment because of a lot of things but all of it were just leading to one reason and that I don't want to be the reason you're not happy with your life and I just had to go away. I needed the time, time to rest, time to sit back, time to heal myself.
I'll be back by June as of next year 2024, and if it's already passed June the moment you're reading this then you'd probably had seen me around in Uni but if it hasn't, then I'll be back next year, hopefully healed and back to my usual self again. I also hoped that I'll be ready to face you again when the time comes.
I hope everything's going good between you and Jun. I hope that he's been treating you well like you deserved to be treated. I don't want to write too much about him because this letter is about you.
I'm sure you already know by now but I'm just going to write this again... I love you Hanni. I really, really, really do. To be able to hold onto these feelings I have for you for years, I don't know how and why I'm still able to live another day but I believe there's no other reason other than you Hanni.
I'm sure you'll start questioning when did it actually start so I'll just tell you the truth in this letter.
Hanni Pham, I still remember that night by the camp fire during high school, the three of us were sitting around the camp fire, me, you and Yongbok along with a couple other students. We were making smores as the night's calm and warm. Minji wasn't there because she only transferred to our school the next year.
I still remember we were talking about the things we enjoyed doing and one by one, the others mentioned the things they love doing then came my turn. I was a bit embarrassed at first to tell the group about my desire in writings and poetries.
But in the end I said it anyways and I could remember a couple of them were amused, somehow a bit mocking and found the thing I love was not that grand and awesome like theirs. But not you. I still remember you got closer to me and asked me what poetry books have I read.
When I said that I haven't got the chance to get one, I expected you to laugh it off but you didn't. Instead you offered to go to the book store together and get me a poetry book. I remember it as clear as day of the way you smiled at me even though I've already known you since we're kids.
Your face was glowing, radiating from the camp fire which at that point somehow made my heart's beating unusually fast despite spending my entire childhood to my teenage years with you. Hanni at that point, at that exact moment, I thought to myself that if I want to write poems, then I will write it about you because knowing that in every great poet has their own muse and I somehow willing to bet my life that I've found mine in you and I was right.
I remember that calm night, I listened to you, laughing, joking along with you and how in the end you somehow gave me a smile, the same smile I've seen all my life but somehow there's just this hint of spark, lightened up inside my heart and even though it was faint but it made me realized, that that was the moment I fell in love with you."
Hanni had to let the letter down on her table as she's letting the tears dropping down her eyes but this time it was joyous tears as she covered her lips with her palm. As she's sobbing, the tears kept on running down her eyes but for the first time since a while, Hanni's crying herself yet feeling peaceful inside.
As if she's finally letting go of all the worries and burdens that she's been shouldering for a while and as soon as she felt it lifted off her shoulders, all she's feeling was relief and calmness. And at that moment was when Hanni finally realized that she's healing, rather it be slowly but she knew that it'll be worth the wait as healing takes time.
Wiping off her tears, she let out a light chuckle in between her sniffs. "You're one lucky girl Hanni... if only you've noticed things a lot earlier...he's been suffering because you just couldn't see him beyond friendship before..." She whispered to herself. "...but yet again, I am just a human after all." Hanni grabbed onto the letter back as she got to the second paper.
"Hanni from that moment, from that night at the campfire, you became a cherished chapter in my story. A chapter filled with laughter and countless beautiful moments. You are more than just a friend to me. You're my best friend and your presence in my life has brought a kind of happiness that I never thought possible.
By your side, I found comfort and safety. Your laughter is music to my ears and your amazing smile can brighten even the gloomiest of my days. Your presence has a way of making everything feel right, every challenge seems conquerable and every moment with you turns into treasured memories.
Your kindness, your playfulness and the way you understand me have shown me what it means for me to love you unconditionally. You've brought out the best version of me and I'm glad that I grew up a better person because of my love for you.
God, I loved everything about you, maybe too much, I know. But Hanni... How could I not love that gummy smile of yours, that infectious laugh, those dark brown eyes of yours, your sense of humour and the way you would easily make me laugh by doing the simplest of things and your passion for the things you love and desired. How could I not love you if you were everything I've ever wanted but got away from me...
Although you and me didn't even get the chance to write our own love story doesn't mean that my love for you was all for nothing. Even if you told me a million times that I deserve someone better, it's not about finding someone better. I could have a million options in front of me and I will still choose you in a heartbeat.
I love you with all my heart and soul and that will never change. Hanni if I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes and then, and only then, I hope you would realize how special you are to me.
And I hope that you could see that I will never love anyone else the way I love you through the poem book I've written for you. I hope you can give it a read every once in a while and think about me because my greatest achievement for my dream is that I wrote a poem book that is dedicated for you.
Please remember that even though we haven't talked for a long time, your voice still echoes inside my head, we haven't laughed for a while but your snicker still lingers inside my bones. Even though my mind tries to avoid you, tries to keep you away but my heart screams out your name in every beat.
I know that it seems impossible but I will always hope that someday we will meet again and we will get the chance to start our story that was never get the chance to bloom and hopefully this time we will write a happier beginning and a meaningful ending. Next time we'll get it all right but now? Now we're just two strangers with shared secrets and memories, living in the echoes of our unwritten once upon a time.
I'm sorry that I couldn't say all of this to you but throughout my life, the only thing I know how to do good at is writing and I hope that this letter won't make it less meaningful to you. Hanni if my life was a book, then meeting you was my favourite chapter and I will forever remember your page number.
And if I were to write a one-word poem, I'd write your name. Hanni. The woman who owns my heart. I love you. I always have and I always will."
-Yongjae Lee, your bestie for life.
As she reached the end of the letter, her lap was drenched with her tears as she carefully folded the letter and placed it back into the envelope before she held onto it along with the poem book you gave her, hugging it closed to her and just letting her heart crying out.
"Thank you..." She whispered in her sobs. "...Yongjae I will wait for you no matter how long it'll takes. Let it be months, years, I will not betray anymore of my feelings. I made a mistake and now I will get it right." She caressed the book as the last of her tears poured out before she wiped them off before breathing out to calm herself then a bitter smile spread across her face. "...I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain throughout these years. I'm sorry for not noticing sooner. I'm sorry for running away from my own feelings..."
And right at that moment, she heard fireworks from the outside as she glanced over her window to see a slight view of people lighting up fireworks to mark the start of the new year. "So pretty..." She whispered to herself with a soft smile as her eyes were shining from the bright colorful fireworks spreading across the sky by her windor
Hanni formed a light smile as she walked over to the windows and enjoyed the fireworks as she got a clearer vision of it and in her mind was filled with the thought of you who always enjoys these fireworks every year. "I wish that you're here with me... You always love these new year fireworks. Take care over there Yongjae..." Hanni whispered to herself. "...I love you."
After the fireworks had finished, Hanni got herself readied for bed as she laid down with the poem book placed next to her and for the first time in such a long time, Hanni peacefully went to sleep without any worries in her mind, without burdens in her shoulders as with the book next to her, she drifted to sleep while thinking of you.
For the exchange students, they have this annual dinner that they'll have each month for the duration they're in Australia and also applies for the month of the new year. By the end of January of the new year, you're having the annual dinner and get to hang out with the rest of the group.
"Hello~" A bright Danielle Marsh joined you as she sat next to you as you're waiting for a few others to come. "How's your break been going so far?" She asked as it's the first time she saw you since the semester break.
"I've been okay. You? Enjoying home?" You asked as she nodded eagerly. "I'm so happy I got to come back here. I've been feeling nostalgic for days as I'm visiting places from my childhood." She replied with her usual bright expression and you just smiled at her. "That's great then."
"By the way, nice ear piercings." She noticed you wearing your ear piercings for the first time in front of the others. "Do I look good with it?" You asked as she gave a nod of approval. "Guess I made the right choice..."
As you nodded, you faced your front as you remained silent while leaning against your seat. Danielle since then was on her phone as she secretly taking glances at you. "You okay?" She broke her silence as you just nodded without looking back at her. "I'm fine. I may not look like it but I'm just okay."
"Then what's been bothering your mind right now?" She asked as you could only sigh in silent. "Nothing." You replied. "It's been hard for you isn't it? I can see it in your expression." Her whisper made you quiet as it answered her question. "We can talk it out later after dinner. You know I'll listen to you anytime right?"
Breathing in before exhaling, you just nodded while smiling weakly at her before the last few students of the group came and the dinner went on with you not being socially active with the rest of your group. While the rest of the group were still talking with each other, you excused yourself and went out from the dinner place as you found a bench to sit on.
After sitting down, you expected someone's tailing you and you're correct as soon after, Danielle walked out the restaurant and went straight to you. "You know I couldn't leave you all alone out here right?" She gave you a smile as she sat down next to you.
"...they couldn't stop talking about stuffs I already know so it's getting kind of boring." She gave you a lie as you remained silent. "You can tell me honestly Yongjae. It's been hard for you right? I guess your friend here cares too much about you that she couldn't help but wondering about how you're holding up from time to time."
"I couldn't get her out of my head Danielle... It's painful just to think about it." You heaved out before dropping your head. "...Those memories, they're too stubborn to be locked away. The hardest part was letting my heart crying out in the silence of my memories of her." You're trying to swallow the lump of tears behind your throat as you shook your head slightly.
"You know that deep ache, that lump in your throat that no matter how you try to swallow it but it just stays there? That's what it kind of felt like..." Danielle just gave your back a few pats as she's listening to you. "...most the time, I'd sit alone in the dark, drowning myself in the echoes of us, our laughter, the warmth of her touch to the ways we looked at each other in the eyes. Each memory felt like a stabbing knive, it was too painful and I couldn't escape it."
"Just when I thought that moving on would get easier with time. It doesn't... It's like trying to walk away from a piece of my own heart but my mind keeps on telling me that staying with her means constant pain and hurt for now." You whispered with a sigh. "Nobody said that it'll be easy. But you just have to endure it." She replied as you stared blankly at the dark sky above you.
"What if I don't want to endure it..." You said as she's looking at your side. "...am I in the wrong if I go back on my word?" You're blaming yourself everyday that you're supposed to be moving on and heal yet your mind couldn't get Hanni out of it even how hard you tried. "Every steps I took ever since I came here were no more than just painful steps, it weighs me down and somehow I expected myself to heal while being like this? Even though my heart is still entwined with a soul that was once my everything...?"
"Have you checked your old phone yet?" She asked as you just shook your head. "I'm not ready for that still." Danielle then gave your lap a few pats. "Like it or not, you have to be ready for it..."
"...my advice is, get that phone up and check up on her yourself. You don't necessarily have to text her or give her a call. If she still cares about you, she'll send you a few texts, probably updating you on what's going on back home." You then gave her a look. "...then and only then, let your heart really decide if you want to move on or not. Because right now you're just running in circles, no matter how hard you run, you're just going to keep coming back and back."
"Don't torture yourself again okay? You've hurt yourself enough already. You're here to heal, not to make things worse for yourself." You just had to nod to her response with another sigh as in your head, you've been thinking and secretly hoping that Hanni somehow got her hands on the letter you wrote to her along with the poem book you've written for her.
"I guess it doesn't matter if I'm choosing to move on. I wish more people would tell me that leaving an unhappy situation doesn't make you happy..." You swallowed the tears in your throat. "...it leaves you lonely and that's another feeling that they don't tell you too much about..."
"Here you are darling~ Waffles with mint-chocolate ice cream..." Minji said as she placed plates of freshly made waffles with ice-cream on the table. "...and waffles with classic vanilla for Miss Kitty here." Minji eventually made both Haerin and Hanni laugh with her way of service as Minji sat down with her two friend.
Apparently, Minji and Haerin wanted to hang out with Hanni for the day and Hanni said that she just wanted to stay home, so Minji brought her waffle maker along with some ice creams to Hanni.
"I want another plate after this please~" As Hanni took a few bites of her food, she's been staring at her phone the entire time. What she's looking at were photos of you that she took with her phone. As she's been looking at her phone for quite a long time since the three ladies gathered together, all the great memories she had with you slowly clouding up her mind as she couldn't stop smiling and chuckling in every swipe of your photos.
"Someone's brightly all smiley today..." Minji immediately noticed it before but she just let Hanni be as it's a great feeling seeing her smiling after everything that she went through the past few months. "Guess something made her regained that smile back yesterday..." Haerin quietly whispered at Minji whereas Hanni's eyes remained on her phone after letting out a few more snickers and chuckles
"Hehe~ I'm just feeling great today." Hanni then gave her friend a smile that somehow warmed both Minji and Haerin's heart because seeing Hanni like this almost become like a rare occasion for the past months. "What are you watching actually? Funny videos?" Minji got over next to Hanni before wrapping her arms around her friend. Minji then saw Hanni's phone and realized it's not videos but it's your photos that were on it.
"Did something happened between you two? Did he text you?" Minji asked rather hopeful as her eyes lightened up but Hanni just shook her head but with her smile remained. "Not yet, but I hope I can get to him soon. I believe that time will come..."
"I'm really happy to see you all smiles like this. I truly am..." Minji tightened her hug as their cheeks pressed against each other. "...I hope Yongjae will open up to you again. Don't give up on hope okay? Even though we still don't have any idea where he is right now in Australia..."
"Ummm actually Minji... I've been keeping something from you two..." Hanni replied as Haerin and Minji looked over to her, waiting for her to spill it out. "What is it Pham Pham?" Haerin asked calmly.
Hanni took a deep breath as she exhaled slowly. "Yongjae's actually living with Yongbok in Australia..." Hanni spilled the news as Minji and Haerin looked at one another in confusion.
"What!?" Both of them exclaimed at the same time as two pairs of eyes now staring at Hanni who could only chuckled awkwardly. "Hehe... I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier... But Yongbok told me that Yongjae needs time to heal so I don't want to rush things..."
"That little blonde-" Minji hissed as she got up and fetched her phone from the counter. "What are you doin- Are you calling Yongbok!?" Hanni realized as Minji came back with her phone already on her ear. "Waaarghhh..." Haerin's making noises as she too started panicking.
"Yah Kim Minji-" Hanni had to sit her friend down, with Haerin's clueless on what to do as she just in the middle of the two. Hanni had to fetched Minji's phone from her as she ended the call before Yongbok could answer. "Calm down okay...? Calling Yongbok might not be a good thing to do. What if Yongjae notice your call before Yongbok does..."
"Why did he keep this from us? You know how worried we were ever since he left without even telling?" Minji let out a sigh as she's calming herself down while leaning against her seat. "...God for two months I've been worrying about him. I've been angry at him until there's no more anger left in me towards him..."
"Yongjae probably has his reason not to let Yongbok tell us about it Minji..." Haerin said as she herself felt a bit guilty. "...I'm sorry that I didn't even ask Yongbok about Yongjae before as well..."
"Calm down okay? Both of you..." Hanni sat back down at her seat. "...Yongbok made a promise to Yongjae not to tell us about it but in the end he had to break that promise because he didn't want to keep it away from me. And I want to respect Yongbok's decision by not rushing things."
"How is he? How's Yongjae?" Minji asked as she calmed herself down. "Yongjae's not doing okay as what Yongbok updated me recently. Yongbok noticed that he's been having a hard time settling in to Uni's life there. I mean... it's obvious why..."
After sighing and thinking, Minji came out with an idea. "We need to get you to talk to Yongjae. We have to. That's the only way Yongjae's going to be better. He needs to know what happened between you and that bastard Jun. He needs to know the truth. He needs you Hanni, it's as simple as that."
"We can't simply get Yongbok to let us talk to Yongjae... he'll probably reject it immediately..." Haerin said her concern as Minji's working her brain out. "...should we get Yongjae's parent to get us to talk to him?"
"I got it!" Minji flicked her fingers. "Next month's February 20th is Yongjae's birthday right. We'll use that chance." She proposed her idea. "How?" Hanni asked as Minji fetched her phone back and immediately gave Yongbok another call. "Don't take my phone away again..." Minji then moved slightly away from Hanni as she glared at her friend.
After a while, he answered. "Hello." He said. "Listen here you blonde Korean-Australian..." Minji replied as Hanni and Haerin were concerned as they're waving their hands in front of Minji who just waved them off.
"Yeah, Hi~ how are you Isabelle?" Yongbok suddenly spoke in English as Minji raised a brow. "Why are you speaking in English? Don't act like you don't have my number you-" She asked as Yongbok's seem to be walking away.
"Can you keep it down? Yongjae's next to me so I have to walk away..." Yongbok answered. "I knew it!" Minji raised her voice as Yongbok's facepalmed himself. "Shit..." Was his only response as he realized what he had done.
"Don't talk much, I have a plan. We have to get Hanni to talk to him soon. Don't excuse yourself, you're in this as well..." Minji said as Yongbok's sigh was loud enough for them to hear.
"Okay, fill me in with your plan..." A defeated Yongbok Lee could only mutter. "Alright listen... next month when it's Yongjae's birthday..." Hanni and Haerin closing up on Minji as she's explaining her plan. "We'll..."
Your boy just got covid again but still wanted to give you all this update. Not long until the fluffs will start kicking it. Just a matter of time. Patience is a virtue ✌️