The following day begins with new intentions. I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't be the depressed little girl that everybody tiptoed around. I've never been that, I've never been her.
I was the strong smart girl who found a way to survive insane parents and keep her sister safe. This wasn't me. I can't keep doing pain. It hurts too much.
It's unbearable. I feel like I'm dying all the time.
Would Lucy want this? Would she want me to torture myself and make myself so incredibly sick to the point that I end up in the same situation as her? She wouldn't.
I'm dressed and almost out the door instantly yelling at Kaylee to hurry up before I'm outside.
I wanted school, I needed school. I needed a distraction.
"Good morning."
Jayden, who was busy on his phone immediately puts it down looking over at me with surprise.
"Well you're cheery."
"I've had a revelation."
He was now suppressing a smile at my insanely abnormal and almost unhealthy good mood.
"You did? Please go on."
I reward him with a smirk of my own. This "fake it till you make it" thing won't work unless I go full force. I can't fake smile around friends then cry in silence when I get a second alone. NO. I had to go in with maximum energy, no turning back.
"I did. I realized I need to stop feeling things irresponsibly. If I let all my emotions come at me at once— I choke."
"Very true."
"SO. I am a new person. New day, new me."
He shakes his head chucking as he tried to hide his relief and excitement from me. I guess he was waiting for me to get to this point on my own.
The door to the backseat opens and Kaylee comes in. She hadn't said anything to me since yesterday and I knew I had to talk to her.
She had to know I would be fine, that I had taken her words into consideration. I couldn't have her worrying about both of us. No matter how hypocritical that sounds.
I spent the car ride blasting the music from the car radio and bopping my head to it slightly and Jayden just let it happen still suffering from some shock.
Once we get to the school, before Kaylee walks away, I stop her.
"Hey listen. I know you're incredibly worried about me and I love you for it. I won't tell you to stop worrying because that's unrealistic, but I'm good. I really am."
I was still lying right through my teeth.
"I think you will be, and that's more important." She hugs me weakly then turns to run to class before the bell rang.
I half smile then take a deep breath preparing myself for the day. I've got to be different, no more people wasting their time worrying about me.
"We're not getting any younger Jess." I roll my eyes and walk quickly to catch up to Jayden. He holds my hand and I enjoy the feeling of pretending nothing is wrong.
"Good morning everyone."
They all turn and look at me with narrow puzzled eyes and Jayden nearly falls on top of me in amusement.
"Who is this? And what have you done with Jessica?" I scoff smiling slightly. There was a determination in me to keep some kind of variation of a smile on my face all day no matter how much cheeks hurt.
"All I did was greet you guys."
"Yeah but you sounded... cheery." The way Ryan explained with disgust amused us all.
"Yeah, and you're smiling. Naturally." Maya joins in and I roll my eyes, "FINE. I guess I'll just go back to brooding." I shrug dramatically, dropping my smile as I lower my eyebrows and they all immediately rush to take back their words.
"Nonononono smiling and cheery—good. Brooding— bad." I allow amusement towards their frantic behavior and groan as the bell rings.
"Come on, I'll walk you to class." I put my hand up knowing he would start to drag me and he was much stronger than I was, "Actually, I have to get homework from a friend first. I'll just see you at lunch." I jump up slightly and kiss his cheek before walking in the complete opposite direction of my friend group.
I felt them watch me as I walked away, and I ensured my intentions looked believable. Once the coast was clear I exhale a sigh of relief and drop the act.
In no time, I walked to the side of the school and saw the familiar boy I felt a weird sudden urge to see.
"Rizzo!" He immediately twirls around startled then glares at me in annoyance. I smiled a bit because it reminded me of the first time I met him.
"You can't be doing that bubbles, I tolds you that."
I felt a pang of pain at the nickname. No one had called me that since Lucy died. But he was there when the nickname was born so it was only right for him to be allowed to use it, even if it still stung.
Rizzo was a lanky boy with short shaggy hair and he looked like the type to always be in trouble. He had facial hair and dark eyes, and he kind of looked like he could be in a band or something. He also had a way of talking that made you question if he even payed attention in high school at all, it also didn't help that he had an accent straight out of Jersey.
"Sorry. Guess I forgot."
"That miss Carvahal is always watching."
He pulls out a Ziploc bag full of white sticks that basically looked like rolled up toilet paper, and I knew that was the only thing that gave him reason to fear administration.
"You want one."
"What is it?"
"Really bubbles, you're a senior. You shoulda tried this at least once."
I smirked a little.
"I have." Not on purpose of course but still monumental.
"Just not a—"
"Joint." I nod impressed with his knowledge on the subject though it was probably only due to my naiveness surrounding it.
"So, what brings you around bubbles? Bell just rung, I thought you were a good girl."
He goes back into his book-bag and gets me a soda. I couldn't imagine carrying around everything but schoolwork at school, though it seemed like it was way more fun. He wasn't stressed at all.
I cracked it open, "I am— sort of. I just got a feeling we needed to talk." He raises an eyebrow before he starts to search through his book-bag for something else.
"Ooo am I in trouble?" I chuckle quietly shaking my head.
"Maybe you came to see me cause you miss Lucy." My amusement ceased and I pouted sadly. I wasn't expecting that.
"It's okay. I miss her too ya know."
"Are you going to that weird thing her mom is throwing?"
He finally pulls out what he was searching for and I see it's a lighter. If anyone went through his book-bag and saw those two items alone, he would be expelled. But he didn't care, and I envied him for that. Imagine living a life without responsibility. Lucy used to live like that.
"Nah. Seems like a sketchy scene."
"What do you mean?"
I lean on the wall and look down at him as he sits on the crates wondering how he endured so much exhilaration. Skipping class, doing drugs, running from teachers all in a day? I was overrun with excitement already and all I was doing was showing up to homeroom a few minutes late.
"Who throws a—"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I hear a booming authoritative voice behind me. Both of our eyes go wide, and my heart starts to race. Rizzo didn't know what do to with his hands.
"Give it to me." I demand him in a whisper. He didn't delay as he handed me the bag with the lighter and I shoved it in the front of my pants without moving my arms too noticeably.
As the clicking of heels approached us I turned and tried to sip my soda nonchalantly, hoping my cheeks weren't as hot and red as they felt.
"What's going on here?"
"Nothing." I answer, forcing my voice to sound normal instead of shaky.
"You're both late to class, so anyone care to explain?"
For a boy who most likely had frequent run-ins with administration, Rizzo refused to talk to the lady who was basically aiming all her questions at him.
"Lost track of time." I gave the simplest answer I could conjure.
"Rizzo, what's in your book-bag?" He's known for carrying around stuff he wasn't supposed to, and she's probably been waiting to bust him for days.
"Just sodas."
"Selling anything on school grounds is not allowed."
"I don't sell, I give them away to my friends. Can't bust me for being generous."
I wanted to laugh but I refused to make the situation worse. My heart was already beating a mile a minute. I don't usually get in trouble, I actually never get in trouble, I just blend in.
"Let me see."
His book-bag couldn't even really be considered an entire book-bag, it was more like a jock string which meant it didn't take her very long to search through it. It also meant that if I wasn't holding Rizzo's stuff for him, he would have gotten thrown out immediately, or worse.
"Anything in your pockets?" She was on the verge of doing a full body search. You could tell she had some kind of vendetta against him.
"No miss Carvahal." He rolled his eyes slightly which only drove her even more.
"I don't believe you. I'm taking you to the office." My eyes went wide, and I was relieved knowing he didn't have anything on him.
She turns to me, "And you? I've never seen you in my office."
"I'm not the type to get in trouble."
"Don't make it a habit."
She turns back to him with narrow eyes, "Let's go. You, get to class."
Rizzo stands up with a groan and a smirk, "Whatever you say miss." Then winks before following her inside.
With her out of sight I finally let out the exasperated breath I was holding. There was so much adrenaline running through me it felt like my skin was tingling.
"Holy shit." I whisper to myself starting to laugh hysterically. Of course I would get myself into that kind of situation this early in the morning.
I crouch on the floor taking my book-bag off my back before taking the Ziploc out of my pants and shoving it to the bottom of my bag, then I stand up and walk to class with an amused smirk.
Class went by fast as I ignored my teachers and neglected my schoolwork. I realized that everything was much easier if you lived like Rizzo. Not caring. When you don't care you don't get hurt. Maybe that's why Lucy hung out with him, there was a certain beauty in being an absolute train wreck.
"Hey, so are you free to go to the shops today?" Maddie questions catching up to me in the hall.
"Sure. What about Maya?"
"She's hanging out with Ryan later."
I roll my eyes and decide not to question it any further. I don't care. I don't have to care. That's the benefit of my new attitude.
"So what's with your new energy? Your new vibe— where'd it come from?" I shrug throwing my annoying frizzy hair over my shoulder to keep it out of my face, "I don't know. I just— it can't be good for me to be feeling so dark." She smiles grabbing a hold of my hand, "That's true."
I hoped she wouldn't question it anymore because I didn't want it to turn into some sappy conversation that would end up sinking me back into my funk.
"Well what are you doing to avoid it?"
"I'm gonna try to act like a normal, sane, mentally healthy person."
"Ma'am, you've never been sane."
Swiveling around, I chuckle at her stupid joke before spotting Ryan and Jayden by our normal picnic table, Jayden sitting on it while Ryan stands in front of him waving his arms around like he was explaining something he was passionate about. That meant Jayden was going to be stuck there for a few minutes.
Maddie notices them at the same time as me and we moved to sit with them, but I'm hindered by an incoming chest.
"Oh— sorry." I'm immediately lifted and twirled around a few times making me extremely dizzy.
Soon, I look down and recognize Rizzo's shaggy hair and laugh realizing what was happening.
He puts me down cackling crazily, "Bubbles. I love you. I really do. You gotta be the greatest thing ever invented." He was excited and slightly out of breath which convinced me that he was probably high already, and I pointlessly wondered how since I was still carrying his supply.
"It's no big deal."
"No big deal?! You're amazing—" He kisses one of my cheeks dramatically, "You're... spectacular—" He pecks the other, "—You're... eh... extraordinary!"
I smirk shaking my head knowingly, "Yeah, and you're not even completely here right now." I catch sight of Jayden who I now realized was staring at Rizzo with violent eyes.
"Listen, you can't give it to me now cause Carvahal's watching me like a hawk. But you gotta come to this party tonight."
"I don't know."
"Live a little. I'll see yous later."
He grabbed my head and kissed my forehead theatrically before releasing me. I see Jayden push Ryan out of the way standing up.
"You're amazing!" I couldn't help but chuckle as he rushed away, probably getting ready to skip school entirely and do more stupid illegal shit.
"Why is everyone calling you bubbles?"
Maddie who decided to wait for me, questions around the same time Jayden arrives, "Who the fuck is that?" I chortle again finding everyone's reactions hilarious. Without context, Rizzo looks like a lunatic. Which I guess isn't far off.
I wipe my forehead still amused, "Just a friend." His arms were crossed, and I finally realized he wasn't as amused as I was, "A friend that kisses you, like four times?" I started laughing again with no control, "There's like a ninety eight percent chance he's high right now so you can't take anything he does seriously."
"Jayden, I didn't finish my story!" Ryan shouts calling him back over. I turn to Jayden with a reassuring smile, "I promise he's just a friend." He puts his arm around me possessively and I roll my eyes letting him.
Lunch zoomed by, as did the rest of the day. Soon I was walking out of my last period with a yawn and a lazy scratch of the head. I had spent all day in a mindless daze and I knew it wasn't aiding my education but at least I was at ease.
"You ready to go?" I was startled by Maddie's cheery voice, "Go where?" She scowls at me, "Shopping," then crosses her arms in a reprimanding fashion.
"I knew that." I did not. "I was just kidding." I wasn't. "Who's taking us?"
She's smiles her mood lifting again, "Me dummy, my parents finally got me another car." After she crashed the first one.
She drags me quickly out of the building and I slowly started to regret agreeing to this.
The school had already mostly cleared out so it wasn't hard spotting Jayden talking to Kaylee in the parking lot. My eyes grew wide as I remembered that I had forgotten to tell either of them about my plans.
"Wait— I have to talk to Jayden."
"Ughh, I hate having two friends in relationships."
I roll my eyes, "It doesn't have to do with that. I'm just telling him he's not taking me home."
She nodded and released me, allowing me to walk over to them quickly
"Sooo you're going to hate me, but I actually agreed to go to the mall with Maddie." Kaylee groans loudly and dramatically making Jayden laugh.
"You've got two choices: come with me or get to walking." She scoffs questioning if I was serious. I was completely certain that Jayden would feel guilty and offer her a ride, and as soon as he rolled his eyes my assumption was confirmed.
"I'll take her."
"You were really going to make me walk home alone?!"
"No, my boyfriend's a big softie, I knew he would offer. Bye."
I wave overly excited for comical effect as they both look at me with annoyance that could be real or fake. I then turn around and bounce over to Maddie once again.
"Let's go."
—————
We had been walking around for hours and I soon realized my new attitude had a time limit on it.
It didn't take long before I was tired and moody, something Maddie did not appreciate since it was taking her forever to find a dress.
I found my dress at the second store we went to, but we were on approximately the thirteenth store and Maddie still hadn't chosen anything.
"Just three more."
"Madison I'm exhausted." I hold my head intensely ready to yank my hair out.
"I'm sorry just—"
We walk past a hair salon and I get a tingly feeling. I stop walking and think for a moment.
Stupid decisions? Why the hell not?
"Why'd we stop?"
"I want to cut my hair." She looks at me like I'm crazy before she looks over and sees the salon realizing I'm not completely random and nuts.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because people make choices they regret when they're going through stuff."
I instantly scoff and start walking towards it, she runs next to me pulling me in the opposite direction.
"Jess you don't know what you want."
"I want change. I just want something different."
She sighs feeling defeated trying to quickly come up with another excuse to get me to halt.
"What about your parents? You haven't asked yet."
"I don't have to ask to make a change to my hair. It's my hair!"
I push her to the side lightly and saunter in.
"Hello, what can we do for you today?"
The place was practically empty with only one other girl getting her hair done and the other two workers standing at the back talking.
"Chop it all off."
"Do NOT chop it all off she's going through a crisis!" Maddie is immediately behind me yelling at the hairdresser who hadn't even moved yet.
My eyes nearly roll out of my head before landing on the lady, "I am not going through a crisis, I want a change and she has daddy issues." The hairdresser nods understandingly while Maddie appeared theatrical in her disbelief.
"I do not have daddy issues, she's insane. Stop listening to her and definitely don't bring scissors near her head."
I smirk propping my head in my hand at the front desk.
"See?"
The hairdresser was entertained and thoroughly perplexed.
"How about a quick trim?"
"That's it." Maddie answers for me.
There was no way I was settling for just a trim but if that's what I had to say to get Maddie to calm down while I sat in the chair then fine.
"Why don't you go finish dress shopping while they do my hair? Two birds one stone."
"Because I don't trust you to not go completely bald."
My cheeks suppressed an almost evil smirk as we travel towards a chair connected to a sink led by the lady.
"It's going to still take time to wash my hair so you'll be here for the snipping." She grumbled debating the idea in her head. "Fine. But if you start cutting Jess I swear—" I huff interrupting her, "Goodbye Madison."
She narrows her eyes at me before turning and walking out quickly, most likely in a rush so she could come back and supervise me.
By the time she came back with a few dress bags in hand the lady was cutting, but she hadn't done much yet.
"You started without me?!"
"It's only the ends Maddie, relax."
Her concern was overwhelming.
"Alright, how much do you want me to cut?"
My hair already reached my waist in waves and I wanted a big alteration.
"An inch." Maddie answers. "Shoulder length." I rebuttal. Maddie looked like she was on the verge of a heart attack. "Jessica please stop joking around. Once they cut it, it's not the kind of thing you can glue back on." I turn to her in annoyance, "It's just hair Mads, it grows back."
She crosses her arms and stares at me, not budging. I wasn't sure why I was so concerned with getting her to agree. I could tell the hairdresser to simply start cutting and to politely ignore my irritating friend, but I knew she was just trying to be helpful.
"Fine. Like my back."
"Middle of her back."
In the mirror I could see the hairdresser, we made eye contact and I gave her a look that told her to honestly go as short as she pleased.
"Alright." And she starts to cut.
Maddie chewed on her nails the entire time while I watched excitedly. Once she was done, she sprayed some kind of spray that smelled amazing and waited for my reaction. I stared in the mirror and looked significantly different. Not as much as I expected, but enough to leave me satisfied.
"I love it."
"You went shorter than the middle." Maddie grumbles with her arms still crossed. "Yes Madison she did, but do you like it?" I jokingly flipped my hair around forcing a small smile that she tried her hardest to suppress appear on her face, "Fine. It's not the worst thing you've done." I was pleased with her answer and it only made me grin even more.
It really is a new day and a whole different me.
———
"I'm homeee."
I yell as I enter the house throwing my book-bag on the floor looking for attention.
"In here." Maria shouts from the kitchen and I smile skipping over. She had her back turned to me and I climbed up onto the bar stool waiting for her to turn around and look at me.
"How was school today?"
"Fine. Boring."
"Did you—"
She turns around and drops the rag she was holding, "Oh my God, you cut your hair!" I display a cheeky grin and pose playfully waiting for her full reaction.
"Do you like it?"
"You look adorable, but why? And when?"
She had come around and was now running her fingers through my hair, examining it.
"I just wanted something different, and Maddie took me to the mall after school."
I was actually thankful for Maddie's suggestions because I don't think I would have liked my hair drastically shorter than this. I was satisfied with the length I got.
"I think it's cute, but don't think this means you can just go out and get a piercing next. Or a tattoo." Ah yes, haircuts, the gateway to tattoos and piercings. I smirked to get a reaction, "You never know mother." She scolds me with her eyes, hitting my shoulder lightly before going back to cooking.
"Dinner's going to be done soon, go shower."
"Yes ma'am." I salute her before jumping off the stool and bouncing up the stairs.
This feeling was different. All I felt was pure raw energy and numbness. I didn't care anymore. There was no anger, no sadness, no disappointment, no hurt. Just energy. And I liked it.