On the last day that Navin and the others were alive, it was partially cloudy, warm, but not too humid. A football game between what was once Barcelona and Madrid—who had both become numbered districts of what was lumped together as "Liberated Spain"—was the talk of the day. There was nothing important on the news, just fluff piece after fluff piece, and just like every other day in this utopia, nothing seemed amiss. It was like the world was egging us on to go through with our plan, daring us to see if our deaths would be as impactful as we hoped they'd be.
Admittedly, that was the kind of day we wished for. We wanted it to appear as if nothing was wrong. To the world around us, we would simply go to school, gather to watch the game afterwards, and would return home before the sun fully set. In actuality, we were never supposed to be seen alive again after school let out.
Though that meant any time for vague goodbyes or settling affairs was nonexistent, but Navin—being as stubborn as always—wanted to shove in one final moment with just the two of us regardless of the time crunch we were under. As my best friend, I could never deny him this wish, but we could only achieve what he wanted during lunch. However, since life expectancy was longer than the bank account of a third world country, people had been having children left and right at ages those in the past would've never dreamed of, causing a boom in the human population, and packing schools to the brim with students. There wasn't anywhere to go on the premises where it could just be he and I except the roof, which had been archaically restricted with a padlock.
Though I refused to fail my friend's final request, so after some time—and some incriminating browser searches—I picked the simple lock, and we were finally alone together.
"Woah," escaped my lips the moment I opened the door to the roof—the chilly high altitude air rushed past our cheeks and tousled our hair.
Our temporary little bubble high up and away from the world was magnificent. Our school building was fifty-three stories tall in order to accommodate each child in our district, but the floors on all buildings after the second lacked windows to prevent suicide attempts or triggering anyone's fear of heights, so we had never looked at our despised utopia from so high up.
"Look," Navin said in pink, also awestruck by the seemingly never ending rows of sleek, glittering white and gold architecture, "this is what humans can achieve in less than two hundred years."
As we continued to stand in the doorway, I said, "This place used to just be rubble from a war torn country back then... but now-"
"-one could say it's perfect," Navin finished for me. "However... there's more to the real world than perfection."
Perhaps because we were soon to die anyway, Navin boldly stepped forward, and I followed his lead, closing the door behind us. We both walked right up to the edge, then sat down next to each other with our legs dangling between the roof's railings.
We continued staring at the view for a while, just being in each other's presence for what would be the last time until Navin asked in a cool grey, "What do you think happens after death?"
I shrugged. "I never thought about it, but I like the idea of Heaven. What about you?"
"I don't know either," he admitted. "I don't think Heaven is all that pleasant of a concept, though."
"Why not?"
"After I die, I don't want to look down one day and see my parents get all handsy with each other."
I laughed, though honestly, I started to feel a knot growing in my stomach for what was to come that day.
"I think..." he began, his color now shifting to a desaturated blue, "I'd prefer there to be nothing after death. No more need to think, or feel..."
"Isn't that what you hate about this place?"
Navin scoffed and lightly jabbed me in the side with his elbow. "This nation and eternal rest are two completely different things."
I jabbed him back. "Well, whatever it's like on the other side, I'm sure we'll be hanging out again in no time."
Navin didn't respond. I watched him as his gaze fell to the ground below, and his expression soured. After a moment, I could see tears falling from his eyes, and the knot in my stomach tightened.
"I'm scared, Altan," he said shakily in a green-ish brown. "What if after this nothing changes? We might not ever see each other again after we die, and it'd all be for nothing."
For a moment, I just watched him cry as I thought of something I could say to console him, biting my lip. Though nothing came to mind as his fear slowly permeated into me as well. I could only lay my head on his shoulder as tears also began to race from my eyes.
A few moments later I said, "We... we don't have to die, Navin. We can always find another way."
"There is no other way," he said in black with a sniffle. "Anything that goes against the core concepts of our society just gets swept away where no one will notice it. Post a disgruntled comment online? It gets deleted, and your account gets suspended. Even trying to orally spread our disdain for this place would just result in us being locked up in mental care, but-"
"-if five seemingly normal teens commit suicide for no apparent reason, society can't ignore it," I finished for him.
"Exactly. Though... one would be enough. There hasn't been a single suicide in our society in the last ninety-four years, so... even if the four of you backed out, no matter how scared I am, I'm going to die."
"No, Navin!" I cried as I lifted my head, and looked him in his watery eyes. "I won't let you be the only sacrifice."
*
My alarm rings, blaring a bubbly tune that drags me from slumber and forces me to open my eyes. Before I can even clearly take in the view of my room bathed in the morning light, my vision is bombarded by pale yellow notification boxes spawned by my ocular AR implants.
"WARNING! Dehydrated!"
"5 new messages"
"2 calendar events today"
"WARNING! Calorie deficit!"
"1 missed call (spam likely)"
Irritated, I swipe them all out of my eyesight with the wave of a hand. Ocular AR implants were just released recently, and since they're considered a "quality of life improvement for the human experience," they're free to have installed. I—along with the vast majority of my fellow citizens—figured I might as well get them, but I've come close to regretting it many times. Even with all the alerts gone, forever in my peripheral is a calendar, a clock, and a weather forecast obscuring the world around me.
As I get out of bed to turn off my alarm, the AR implants scan every object in view, outlining them with a thin, pale yellow line to alert me of any potential dangers.
"Warning! Breakable!" it reads once it finishes scanning my mirror.
No shit, I think as I wave my hand over my alarm clock, turning it off.
I yawn, then say to the walls of my apartment, "Play upbeat music. No lyrics."
Instantly, music softly begins to sound throughout my home. With a soundtrack to play in the background of my morning routine, I get ready for the day, starting first with breakfast. In the mood for an omelette, when I get to my refrigerator, I grab eggs, some veggies, cheese and bacon. As I do, the AR implants scan anything I glance over—telling me the calorie counts, cholesterol levels, sodium intake and serving sizes of everything—though they aren't as annoying when I begin to cook, and they tell me when the eggs are just right to take off the heat.
I enjoy the meal with a slice of toast, which I lay my omelette on top of, and eat like an open faced sandwich. Once I take my last bite, it all gets washed down with a glass of water before I place everything I used into the dishwasher. As I walk back to my room so I can access the bathroom attached to it, I swipe a hand in front of my face, and the AR's interface displays a gridded menu of apps. I tap the air behind the one that says "NEWS," and in the corner of my vision, the morning news begins to play.
"-udies show that those with ocular AR implants are getting better at things like multitasking and staying organized," the anchor says as I walk into the bathroom.
Most news is fluff like this, which I don't mind, but I ignore the rest of this specific segment out of spite for the things I decided to get put into my skull, washing my face and brushing my teeth in the meantime. Nothing worth my attention comes up until I'm getting dressed.
A woman reporting live in front of a very vintage looking building with red awnings and a big Mexican flag says excitedly, "I'm here on the grounds of the newly liberated Mexico, which we have been trying for over a century and a half to liberate!" There are people yelling, dancing and hugging in the background, making for quite the chaotic scene. "The people are cheering now that they're free of the ways of the old world, so it may be hard to hear me, but our military officials are currently-"
"'The ways of the old world,'" I mock.
I remember Navin saying in purple something along the lines of, "You can't bring about peace without decimating those who think differently than you do. That's why even our overbearing utopia is on the war path," at one of our little meetings way back when. "Though the origin of this place is just as seeped in war as it is today. You've all been to the Origins of Peace Museum, right?"
All of us nodded. We were towards the very top of a parking garage, having a picnic of food that had been bought from a convenience store in the presence of two or three empty cars.
"At first, most governments waved off the founders as a bunch of hippy cultists. Then when their beliefs gained traction and threatened to impact the influence of those in power, they were suddenly labeled as terrorist extremists," Duran followed.
"I guess that isn't too far off from how things are now since they're conquering the world, or whatever," Galen added.
"Stuff like that isn't really anything too original though," Carlin had pointed out as she took a bite of a cookie, her sketchbook in her lap. "Just about every major society in history has tried to unite the world at some point."
"Weren't they all basically genocide?" Galen asked.
"But everyone always looks so happy to be liberated on the news," I pointed out.
Duran scoffed as all eyes landed on me.
"My dear, sweet, naive Altan," Navin said as he shook his head, a pitying smile on his face.
"Wh-what?" I had asked, embarrassed.
That's right, I think as Dr. Bliant's words, "Navin was orphaned during our semi-successful liberation attempt on the UK," echo in my head.
I wonder what it was like for Navin when his home country was being liberated...
"-cause they'll get free healthcare, a stable supply of food, and the gang violence that has plagued their homes for more than two centuries will finally be dealt with," the reporter says as if today is the best day of her life, pulling me back into the present.
I make sure to closely watch the Mexicans who're behind the reporter, celebrating.
"Those people that appear on the news could be anyone," Navin had explained in the parking lot after my ignorant statement. "Perhaps they were paid off, or held at gun point and forced to act grateful. They like to dress it up, but at the end of the day, our nation is on a conquest. War is still war no matter the reason—if there is one—and in war, not everyone can be happy."
This small selection of people on the news... could they really represent how all of Mexico feels right now?
"What is it really like out there?" I wonder aloud, but before I can spiral down a corridor of endless thoughts, I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
With my eyes shut, the news has temporarily gone away, and now inside my lids replays one of many precious moments where it was just Navin and I. For whatever reason, it's one of the hundreds of times we went to the arcade that I think about—specifically the time when we dared to attempt to conquer the claw machine. We pooled our allowance, split it fifty-fifty, and took turns trying to get anything, really, and the first person to catch something would have claim to all the prize tickets we'd win from our next outing at the arcade. However... neither of us was able to catch anything, ending up broke and dissatisfied, though at the same time neither of us could stop laughing at the other for how bad of a job we did.
As I think back on it, I still chuckle a bit all the way here in the present.
I decide to open my eyes, and when the news pops back on in my AR implants, they've transitioned back into the studio, the anchor saying, "-eft to liberate is China, the rest of the UK, and North America."
I continue to get dressed, and after I finish, I go on my daily morning walk—my AR implants outlining everything from the edge of the sidewalk to light poles as I make my way. I typically go the same route everyday, but today I decided to switch it up. Though it's a different way, nothing feels dissimilar. All the glistening, sleek white and gold buildings look the same, and the people all feel the same with their mindless smiles and modest clothing—I even hear them talking about the same things before they all say, "Hello," to as I pass by with the same baby blue voice as if they're all clones.
They're all the same. They're all happy.
I continue onward, bored with my surroundings. Though I don't lament them.
During one of our sessions back when I was undergoing intensive therapy in mental care, Lenus had said, "Personally, I don't think that the 'how' matters as long as people are safe, healthy and happy."
Navin had said years before that, "People deserve to be happy, but they also deserve sadness, anger and every other emotion under the sun. What's the point of joy if it's the baseline? How boring is that?"
As I pass a coffee place filled to the brim with smiling faces on my walk, I ask myself, Am I one with the crowd now too?
I suddenly become cognizant of my expression. It's a plastered on, mindless smile just like everyone else's. I can't help but wonder if it really belongs there, or if it's just something I put on to blend in. Though before I can contemplate it, the reason why I chose to come this way pops into view, cleansing my thoughts. It's an arcade that's situated on the first floor of a towering apartment building.
My smile widens, becoming more authentic as I approach. Naturally, it's not open so early in the day, but I want to look at it, and reminisce. Navin and I spent a lot of time at the arcade, and while this isn't the same one we frequented since I had moved a few years ago, it brings peace to my heart looking at it, and remembering all the time we spent playing together. Both Navin and I loved to play games—for Navin it was more like he loved to win—but I hadn't played any in quite some time.
"I kept living... and I guess I kept changing, too," I say under my breath, an image of a joyful Navin looking back at the present me as he enters the building playing out in my imagination.
I smile back at the illusion before I continue my walk. Year by year, I've been getting better. I don't feel guilty for being the only one left alive any more, and while I miss Navin, I don't focus on his absence. Ironically, it's mostly because of that smile he flashed me right before he passed, absolving me of my sins towards him, and also for the reason why he wished there wasn't a heaven.
If he were to look down on me—or up at me—I don't want him to feel like he ruined my life, or like we never should have met.
"CALENDAR EVENT IN THIRTY MINUTES," in a red translucent text box pops into my vision thanks to the ocular AR.
While it ruins my little moment, I'm happy it pulls me fully back into reality. My scheduled biweekly therapy session with Lenus is this morning. After I was deemed well enough to be released from mental care, it was required that I get a therapist to do weekly mental checkups with. It really could've been anyone, but Lenus had been the only therapist I worked with in mental care that I liked, so I chose him and his violet voice, and I've been seeing him ever since—even though therapy is no longer legally required of me.
I swipe the notification out of view, keep walking, and eventually find myself back home on time. The first thing I do once I step through the entrance is walk to my bed, sit, and and open an AR chat room app in my implants. After selecting Lenus' professional private server, I'm ready and waiting for him to join. As I sit there, I adjust my hair to make sure I don't look a mess.
While in the middle of that, Lenus' figure appears, sitting on thin air—like I probably am on his end—and he says with a vibrant smile, "Altan! I'm glad you made it. How's your week been so far?"
"It's been alright," I say, leaving my hair alone. "More of the same from the last time we spoke."
"So... you didn't work on what we talked about before?"
"Well, I did a little, but..."
Lenus chuckles. "It's alright. Making friends with someone as an adult isn't exactly something you can do in a week or two."
With a pout I say, "I really did work on it a bit, though. The other day I went out for drinks with some coworkers."
"Ah, how'd that go?"
"I... didn't really feel like I fit in," I answer as I fidget with my clothing.
"Did they make you feel that way? Or were you in your head?"
I sigh. "I was in my head. Though according to some tipsy ramblings, apparently I'm known among my peers as a bit of a space cadet already, so at least they didn't get the wrong idea."
"Now, how did learning that make you feel?"
I think for a moment since I never actually pondered that—probably because I was tipsy as well when I heard that information.
"I think... it makes me feel relieved," I eventually say.
"Why?"
"I guess it's because sometimes, since I haven't really made any friends after moving here and I don't have any family near either, it kind of feels like I'm barely 'here.' I'm a little glad I've at least been recognized to exist."
"Only a little glad?"
I nod. "I want to be apart of society, leave a mark, fall in love, make a lot of friends... but I'm also kind of fine with fading into the background."
"I say you're not fine with that at all after knowing you all these years, Altan. You're just settling." He sternly says with a pause to let his words—which are true—sink in.
Somewhere along the line in mental care, I thought that if I was the only one left alive, then I would have to live for all of them, not just Navin. Carlin naturally would've been some sort of famous artist if she lived longer, I didn't know exactly what Duran and Galen aspired to be before they died, but I could see Duran being some kind of scientist and Galen as an entertainer, and Navin had spoken about becoming a writer some day. I never had any of their talents or aspirations, but I wanted to do something that would satisfy them. Though now that I no longer live with my survivor's guilt, my sentiments are "I'm alive, so I might as well live."
Though I haven't been doing the best job of that. After getting out of mental care, my face and story had been aired across the nation along with Navin and the others, and nobody treated me the same again. My parents didn't know how to be around me—making me feel like a stranger rather than their child—and everyone at school was afraid to talk to me, as if I was some kind of monster that would ruin their happiness. Anywhere I went, people glanced at me with pity-filled eyes and turned to murmur about me with somebody next to them.
That was why I chose to move the moment I graduated from school. What I survived wasn't as big of a deal in this district since I wasn't raised here, so I I've rarely even been recognized. When I have come across someone who knows who I am, normally their first instinct is to ask how I'm doing instead of whispering about what happened. Though nothing else has changed for the better.
Not having any special skills or ambitions, I've settled for a basic office job to kill time. Our nation provides free housing and other basic necessities for those who complete basic education, and only recommends working three days a week to get out, interact with others and earn money to afford more frivolous things, so it isn't like I need to chase money or prestige or anything. However, I wish I could be more.
"Tell me," Lenus begins after the pause ends, "do you have a coworker that you feel closer with than others?"
"I... no, not really. Though if I had to choose someone, it'd probably be Ordell. He sits at the desk across from me at work, so we often exchange pleasantries, and he's the one that invited me to go out drinking with everyone."
"Good," Lynus says with a nod. "Focus on bonding with him. Do you two have anything in common that you could talk about?"
After I think for a bit, I respond, "No. Not that I know of."
"Really? No hobbies, similar tastes in movies or music? Nothing?"
I shake my head. "I... still don't really have any hobbies, and I haven't seen a movie in a few years. I listen to music sometimes, but just stuff good enough for background noise to keep my mind grounded."
Lenus sighs, and rightfully so. As our session continues, I discover that I have more and more that I need to work on, though it doesn't discourage me. To me, all these new discoveries mean is that I'm actually in a good enough place to move forward from where I am now.
Later on in our session, Lenus asks, "Have you thought about Navin and the others recently?"
"Yes," I answer with a nod.
"When we talked about this a few months ago, you had thought about them on a daily basis. Has that amount gone down?"
"No."
"Have you already thought about them today? Prior to this discussion, of course."
"Well... something on the news reminded me of them, so..."
"How have these more recent thoughts made you feel?"
"Not as bad as they have in the past. Your advice to think about happier times has helped a lot, so I rarely feel bad when I think about them now."
"Good!" he exclaims as he reaches reaches forward.
In his hands appears something that looks like a golden glittery cylinder, then he pulls a cord attached to the back of it, and with a loud "POP!" confetti flys everywhere. Lenus begins to applaud, causing me to smile.
"Now, our session is coming to an end, so I'll just say this," he says as his demeanor becomes more serious. "There will inevitably be times when your memories of the past will upset you even after this milestone, and when that happens, there's no need to beat yourself up. Take one of your mental health days off from work, relax and try to think about other things when that happens."
I nod.
"Also, tell me how things go with this Ordell guy next session. It's fine if you two don't really get along and things end up falling through. All that matters is that you give it an honest effort."
I nod again, then we begin to say our goodbyes, and eventually Lenus' figure leaves, and it's just me in my apartment again.
There's still some time before I need to head for work, I think to myself as I glance at the clock in my peripheral.
I swipe my hand in front of my face, bringing that menu of apps back into view. My focus travels to the rightmost corner of my vision, where there's a small box with a red exclamation mark over it. I tap the air behind it, and it brings up my list of unread notifications. There are a few things from certain apps, a couple of emails, that one spam call, and five text messages.
I start by opening the one about the phone call just to get rid of it, then go right back to the list. Since I care about the app notifications less than the rest that remain, I go through those next. Then I move to my emails, which two of the five are confirmation emails about my session with Lenus. Though the text messages surprise me.
All five are from Ordell.
"Out partying w/Laelynn & Kibo. Want to join?" the first one reads.
He sent that at like two in the morning... I was definitely asleep, I think before moving on to the next message.
"Just learned tmrrow's Kibo's bday! He wants as many ppl there as possible! Coming?"
All three of the remaining texts are just about the venue and time we'd be meeting tonight if I want to come. Kibo is a relatively new coworker of ours who lived in Liberated Japan before moving here with his wife. I only just met him at that drinking party the other night, and our conversation never made it past "Hey, how's it going?"
Normally I'd decline since I'd feel like I'd be imposing, but since my mission is to make friends, I reply, "I'll be there."
Even if I don't end up becoming closer with Ordell, there should be plenty of other people I could talk to.
With a deep breath, I stand from my desk, and head towards my closest to contemplate about what I should wear for work, and for the party tonight. Finding something for work is easy enough—a white dress shirt and some simple blue jeans—though for the party...
I have to look like someone who'd be interesting to talk to, but I can't look too self important...
While browsing my closet, I find that my clothing options are very plain. I pretty much just have business casual stuff excluding sleepwear, and a few things to exorcise in. I do have something fancy in case there's an occasion for it, but it's definitely way too formal for tonight. In a bit of a panic, I swipe for my virtual menu to come into view, and tap behind an app with a shirt as the icon.
Now in my sight is a model of myself with exact measurements and everything wearing some clothing that's being advertised. It's very stylish, sleek, has a nice asymmetrical design and the sleeves even glow, but it's much too high end for my vibe.
"Low key. Party. Masculine or unisex," I say, and the clothes on me change as a grid of alternate clothing options appears on the left.
What the digital me wears now is a very bright pink and teal shirt balanced with some black pants, but it's not quite "me" enough. I swipe the air behind the digital replica of myself, and the outfit changes. It's something more my style, but the retro slang word "edgy" comes to mind as I look at it, so I go to the next one, then the next and the next. Right as I'm running out of time and hope, I find something that interests me.
Holo-shirts are an older trend from back before even my high school days, but the technology for it has grown exponentially. The one on the model of me is changing patterns and colors by the second, but isn't too loud or confusing, and the white jeans, black shoes and transparent jacket it comes with are nice touches in my opinion.
"Buy," I say. "Deliver for five pm. today."
A green check mark obscures the view of myself in my newly bought outfit before I swipe it out of view and begin undressing out of my walking clothes. Shower bound, I begin feeling excited. It really, truly feels like everything will be okay.
*
"I feel conflicted," Navin said in a dark brown as we laid on his bed, each of us reading our own books—his physical while mine digital.
"Huh? Why?" I asked, his words—which had come out of nowhere—snapping me out of the fictional world of dragons and fairies I was immersed in, and back into his blue and white, minimally decorated room.
Navin put down his book and said, "I hate the direction that we're going, but I also don't like where we started."
"Uh... us as friends? Or do you mean the whole 'anti utopia' thing?"
"The second one," Navin said in yellow as he flicked my forehead.
"Ow!"
"How much have you looked into the history of human civilization, Altan?"
I rubbed where Navin's finger had hit as I answered, "Not much outside of what they talk about in school, and what you talk about whenever we meet with Galen and Duran."
"I see... you might not know of the things I'm about to say, but I know you'll still value my words even if you don't understand them."
I turned in his direction as I powered off the tablet I was reading from. "Just tell me what's on your mind."
"I was thinking about how unhappy people were before this utopia came into power. People were so divided by petty things like skin color and gender that it even drove some to murder, all the while those in governments the world over stirred the pot to make the people take their eyes off of the fact that they were being extorted in every way possible by their own countries. No one could agree on anything with anyone, so nothing got fixed, and everyone was angry, which led to so many fruitless half hearted attempts of war driven by false social justice propaganda, and-"
"Uh, Navin," I interrupted, "I'm listening, but could you explain terms I don't know like 'social justice' to me so I can keep up?"
"No... no." He shook his head a few times. "I'll just cut back on the amount of words I use. I shouldn't go full preaching mode when I don't like talking about things like this when it's just us anyway. Though... I normally feel at peace when we're alone together, but I can't stop thinking about this."
I flicked him in the forehead, though not as hard as he did me, and said, "No need to be sappy. Just tell me what's wrong."
Navin smiled, and with a soothing lilac voice, said, "Things were so bad that when the chance for a definite reform came, many took it and ran with it." His smile faded, but his voice maintained its color. "Though while the birth of a utopia may have been an over reaction in my opinion... I'm happy with the way things are now, but where things are going as they encroach on our autonomy to make sure we're happy and healthy no matter the cost... I don't like the idea of that."
"Navin..." I began, but I didn't know what to say to comfort him and let him know that he didn't need to worry.
Navin wasn't someone who was easy to sway. You had to have cold hard evidence to make him believe anything you wanted him to, and I wasn't as well worded or educated to successfully make him feel better about things even though I truly believed that for the both of us, and for this world Navin worried so much for, everything would be okay.