Two Months Later
How fast time's passing by as it's already been two months since you've departed for Australia. In these couple of months, life's been up and down for you, you're doing okay studying in your new university and you're trying hard to cope with the change of pace in terms of learning and language barrier as well.
There's always times where you're alone in your room, feeling a bit lonely despite living with Yongbok and couldn't help but realizing the void, an empty void inside your heart that's longing for home. You're feeling homesick at times and behind all of that, you're missing a particular voice.
The first month was too painful for you to go through and much more could be said about the second month right now. The memories, they're lingering around in your mind and no matter how much you've been trying to get those memories locked away, they're just too stubborn, like stains on a plain white shirt, they could fade with time but never truly disappear...
You thought you were just simply moving on, you believed that you could, you found the strength to let her go, finding strength to move on won't be that much of a difference but you're wrong. You're so wrong. You thought you could simply just patch up the wounds and the empty voids in your heart and carry on with your life as if nothing's changed but that's just not the case.
That's just not how it works...
Every night you've been fooled by your own mind, making you feel her presence as if Hanni's just next to you but she's not. In your dreams, you heard her laughter, you felt her warmth. It felt too real to the point where you're happy in those dreams with her yet came morning and your eyes woke up, everything fall apart, leaving you alone in the emptiness.
It's the emptiness that's killing you, it's the void that's clinging to your heart, the empty space in your heart that used to be filled by her presence. Every night the street lamps by the window were blurry through your tears it became a pain in the eyes. Every steps you took from day to day felt like you're walking through shards of glass. It hurts, the echoes of your memories with Hanni's haunting you, crumbling you down to pieces every time.
But every now and then... you somehow wondered if she's hurting the way you're hurting...
The second month, December, about to reach its end and right now, you and Yongbok decided to have a day of hanging out as tomorrow's new year and Yongbok wanted to celebrate new year's eve with you by the town. Yongbok continued to be observant throughout these couple of months.
Guessed the times he spent with Haerin influenced him to be just as observant as she is and by doing so, he sometimes noticed you've been crying in your room judging by the swollen eyes and the redness that stained the white of your eyes, he noticed that even in those smiles and laughs of yours, there's hidden sadness behind it.
Also it's no secret that Yongbok's been worrying if their friends back home would ask him anything about you leaving home for Australia as Yongbok already promised to keep it hidden from them so he kept it hidden from Minji, Haerin and Hanni the fact that you're currently living with him out of respect for your wish.
"Should I get this wallet? The design's cool though..." You grabbed onto a wallet from the displayed rack that caught your attention as Yongbok stood beside you and took a peek at it before humming. Right now you're in one of the clothes shop for men that Yongbok always visited before.
"Looks great though..." Yongbok gave his comment as he's checking the other displayed wallets. "...when's the last time you changed wallet?" He asked as you're recalling. "I think when I first got into high school. It's been a while..." You said.
"Well about time you change it buddy." Yongbok said as you're still contemplating whether to get it or not. "...I'll be at the back first." Yongbok excused himself as he got to the shirt section at the back of the shop. At times, Yongbok took a peek at you and soon after, he couldn't help but thinking about Hanni.
Thinking for a bit, Yongbok then took out his phone and secretly took photos of you before getting over to you. "Decided yet?" He asked as you nodded. "I'm getting this one." You then brought the wallet over to the counter and purchased it.
"Sun's going down, want to get some beer?" Yongbok suggested as you walked out from the shop and you just nodded with a light smile. Then you and Yongbok went over to a local bar and got yourself a seat outside the shop.
After the beers were served, the two men shared a great pint of beers before you busied yourself with your new wallet. Yongbok again being observant at the expression on your face. "How's the ear piercings feels like?" Yongbok asked, gaining your attention.
By the end of last month, you've decided to get yourself ear piercings as it's something that you've been wanting to have for the longest time and despite in your head that it's no secret that Hanni preferred man with ear piercings, this time you're doing it for yourself. Or so you thought...
"Oh I'm loving it so far. But the pain when the guy pierced into parts of my ears was still fresh in my mind." Was your answer with a laugh, a fake one probably, as you're trying to keep Hanni away from your mind. "How many did you actually get?" Yongbok asked again as he's having a hard time looking at your ears that's partially covered by the beanie you're wearing.
"I got the standard lobe piercings then I got two helix piercings and a forward helix on my left ear..." You lifted your beanie slightly as you're showing your ear closer to your friend. "Then on my right ear I got the mid lobe piercing." You showed the other side as Yongbok's quiet impressed by your sense of style. "Damn you chose some well piercing spots, I'm not going to lie..."
"I'm thinking about getting the helix piercings as well." Yongbok said as he flicked his earing on his right ear gently. "By the way how's the university life here after two months?" Yongbok asked as he took another sip and instantly Yongbok caught the slow change in your expression. "Can I be honest? It's tough... It's really though man..." You breathed out a sigh as you leaned against the seat.
"I'm still trying to settle myself in and I thought that it would be quite simple in the beginning but I'm so wrong. It's really hard Yongbok..." You looked up to the dusky sky covered with the blurry clouds with another sigh. "I'm here if you want to talk it out buddy. I'm always here for you remember?" Yongbok calmly replied.
"Moving on is really difficult it seems..." You suddenly mumbled out to yourself as Yongbok definitely heard it and he could only sigh to himself. "God it's so hard Yongbok. When the only person I want to talk to is the one I'm trying to move on from."
"I never really get over anything now, do I..." Your eyes couldn't leave the now starting to darken sky as yet again, you're letting your mind flooding with images of her, of Hanni and as much as you're hating yourself for doing it, it's her images that somehow kept you from going insane. "I think I've moved on until I caught myself using phrases she uses, I ate foods that reminds me of her..."
"...All these little small things that keeps on telling me that I'll never be able to be over her, not truly..." You then had your head dropped low as your covering your face with your palm while taking deep breathes in and long exhales out. "The world seems so dull and gray without her, like all the colors in the world somehow faded away when I left home... Even though I can still see this golden brownish color on this beer... You get the point Yongbok..."
"It make sense that you would miss her. It's okay to miss her you know. It's okay to wish things could have worked the way you wished for. And it's okay for you to keep walking. Healing needs time. You know that well don't you." Yongbok's words made you feel the rather familiar pain in your chest again and at this point, you're somehow unwantedly getting used to the pain already.
"Yeah. I know." You sighed before taking a sip of your beer. "...I shouldn't dwell on it too much. But I can't keep it in me the fact that I am struggling right now. I don't want to lie and put up a fake front every time you're asking how am I from time to time. I'm not that strong enough to lie every time..."
"Why don't you get your old phone back on and give her a call?" Yongbok asked as the bitterness in your smile was visible. "I'm not ready for that yet Yongbok. Maybe I never will. She's definitely happier now with him and I don't want to get in the way of them." And just by the thought of Hanni and Jun being happy together was reminding you of the reason why you're now here in Australia.
You thought Hanni and Jun deserved to be happy without having you on the sideline being all broken and faking your smiles every now and then when you're together with her. You wanted Hanni and Jun to work just because the only thing that mattered to you was that Hanni's happy and now has someone to take good care of her without having to rely on you.
But little do you know what actually happened back home...
At that point both you and Yongbok had zero ideas of what actually happened back home in regards of Hanni and Jun. That's because it was Hanni's wish to keep that away from Yongbok and you until she's ready to tell it herself.
"When you're ready, give her a call okay?" You could only nod at his request with a sigh before taking another sip. "Come on, shove those tears away. Let me take pictures of you for your memories of today." Yongbok got his phone out as you snickered silently as you're wiping away your tears.
Then Yongbok took a couple of photos of you before sending them to you. The two of you finished up the drinks before heading back to Yongbok's house. Apparently Yongbok's parents were out having dinner and the two of your were having dinner with whatever leftover food they had earlier that day.
After dinner, Yongbok at first wanted to take you out to the street but throughout their dinner, he noticed the exhausted expression, the way your mind's drifting away from time to time and obviously Yongbok's worried so he wanted to just let you spend the night alone in peace.
During the whole night, locking yourself in your room, you spent it by sitting on the bed, back leaning against the headboard as you're staring at the outside view from the window and you let your mind purposely flooded with thoughts of Hanni because you couldn't bare the pain it took in trying to forget the one you actually love with your whole heart any longer.
You're about to enter your third month yet never once did you actually felt peace while you're here. As much as you didn't want to admit it yourself, nothing's changed, not you, not these tormenting feelings of longing towards home, towards her nor the pain that lingers in your soul throughout these months. It's like nothing's actually going your way.
Now you're simply stuck with a question, what if you let her go and she doesn't come back? For months you've been feeling like you're holding onto a piece of thread that's connected to nothing. You had countless beautiful moments with Hanni but maybe they meant more to you than to her...
You felt it yourself, letting go felt like losing something big in you yet holding on somehow feels heavier in each of every day's passing by. Each day passing served as a reminder for you that she's probably being treated well and she's happier with each day passed.
But even so, you're still trying to move on, even though there's still parts of you that's secretly waiting for her. It's terrifying, wondering if all of what you're doing now was the right choice. What if Hanni's starting to miss you? But yet again, what if she doesn't even bother and you're just here waiting for a response that would never actually come...?
For now, all that you're trying to do was to be okay, to feel okay on your own, but at times, you couldn't help but wandering to yourself, what if one day she realize that how much sacrifice and pain you've went through all those years, and it's all too late?
Your eyes couldn't leave the dark sky hued by the city lights by the window next to you as you're letting the tears falling down your eyes, feeding off the pain inside your heart with the thoughts of her remained floating in your head and all of a sudden, you're stuck in between wanting to forget about her and somehow wanting to wait for her
And to be honest, you didn't even know which one's better for you so somehow you're falling asleep while you're doing both at the same time.
Across of your room, Yongbok's head being crowded with a lot of thoughts. And all of them were about you. Ever since you got into your room earlier, he's been contemplating ever since. He knew that he had a promise to keep to you but Yongbok himself knew that by keeping that promise, it'll only makes things worse for you as all things stood at the moment and that's the last thing he'd want to do to help you.
Even Yongbok knew how hard it's been for you throughout these months and it's just getting worse and worse. So Yongbok's been thinking back and forth in his room yet still he couldn't make a concrete decision as a lot of things were to be considered at that point.
"Come on Lee Yongbok... I know breaking a promise is not a noble thing to do but was it not noble if by breaking it somehow would bring a chance for everything to be back to the way it was again... Am I wrong for that..." Yongbok's been talking to himself as mixed emotions were surging in him. "...you're not a bad friend but if things continues the way it is now, you will be a bad friend." He heaved out a sharp one before breathing in to calm himself down from getting emotional towards himself.
Staring at his watch, it's almost reach the midnight mark as Yongbok thought to himself. Knowing that back home is two hours behind the time in Australia, Yongbok got his phone and got into his contacts. His thumb kept on scrolling down until he stopped at a familiar name before closing his eyes with a sigh "I'm sorry Yongjae..."
Yongbok then proceeded in calling someone. "...I couldn't stand seeing you like this any longer. Call me a bad friend all you want... but your bad friend here cares too much about you."
"Breathe... Hanni breathe..." She whispered to herself as Hanni breathed in for three seconds, holding her breath for three seconds then exhaled for another three seconds. She did it a couple of times as slowly she calmed herself down.
For the past two months, Hanni's been visiting a therapist and it certainly helped her in dealing with her anxiety more efficiently. Nowadays, there's this way her therapist suggested, the triple 3 rule was Hanni's way of handling the anxiety attacks as per advised by her therapist and luckily she didn't need medications for it
As she calmed down, Hanni went back to her desk as she continued with her works before her phone suddenly rang. "Who's calling..." She whispered as Hanni put her pen down before she grabbed her phone and was surprised to see that Yongbok's calling her. "Oh? Yongbok? Did he and Haerin had a fight probably...?"
Confused herself, Hanni immediately answered. "Hi Yongbok~ It's been a while. You okay~?" She answered as the excitement of hearing her friend's voice after a while made her smile. "Hi Hanni. How've you been?" Yongbok's voice echoed in her ears as the smile in her face slowly fading away.
"I've been... umm." Hanni let out a silent sigh. "...I've been okay. It's just, a lot of things happened these past months. But umm enough about me, how are you? How've you been? Everything's fine in Australia?" Hanni tried to sound cheerful again.
"I'm all fine here Hanni. Do you want to talk it out? I can be a good listener." Yongbok replied as Hanni leaned back against her seat with a sigh. "I don't think... ummm yeah I actually do. There's something I haven't tell you and I'm sure I'll be feeling guilty if I keep you in the low about it any longer..." By hearing that, Yongbok knew something's not right had happened back home.
"Me and Jun are no longer together..." That statement made Yongbok's eyes widened in surprised. "...he actually didn't even intend to be with me. It's just a part of a stupid dare his friend made him do. He toyed me Yongbok." His surprise immediately boiled into a stint of anger just by hearing that and it's slowly building up. "He did what..." Yongbok's whisper was a sharp one.
"Can I just rip his head off with a shovel when I get back to Korea? That son of a b-" Was Yongbok's reply and it made her chuckled slightly. "Yah, why are you and Minji so violent? Minji wanted to use trowel instead of a shovel before... and don't get me started with what your girlfriend said she wanted to do..."
Yongbok just chuckled silently as he's calming himself down with a long breathe out. "How are you feeling now? I hope that he's no longer bothering you. Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Hearing that just made her sighed again. " I'm sorry Yongbok, I'm actually not quiet ready before this. And now I don't know what to feel anymore Yongbok... because actually it's about Yongjae. He's ummm... he actually left for Australia on my birthday without telling us beforehand even though I told him that I too have feelings for him the night before."
Hearinng that, Yongbok just closed his eyes as he lifted his head up while in his heart, he's asking for forgiveness from you. "I actually have something to tell you Hanni." Hearing that made her confused as Yongbok sounded a bit apologetic in her ears. "What is it Yongbok? You're okay? Are you having a fight with Haerin?"
"No, no me and Haerin are fine. Actually, I know about Yongjae leaving home for Australia..." Yongbok's reply made Hanni even more confused. "W-what do you mean you know? He told you about it?" Hanni asked as she could hear his sigh from the other side. "Hanni, I am sorry for keeping this from you but I made a promise with Yongjae about this."
"But now I'm afraid I have to break that promise. Actually, Yongjae's here with me Hanni, he's staying with me and my parents." Hanni immediately rose up from her chair, eyes widened from Yongbok's statement. "W-what are you talking about Yongbok? What do you mean..."
"I knew about him going to Australia the morning before I left Korea and actually we've signed an agreement that we become his homestay family as the university he's studying now is in my town. So for these past two months, Yongjae's here with me." Yongbok explained as he could hear Hanni's sniffing lightly. "You okay Hanni? Look, I am sorry. Believe me I wouldn't be doing this if I'm not worried about him, about you."
"No, no, I'm not mad at you..." Hanni whispered back with a cracked voice. "Thank you for telling me Yongbok..." Hanni's whispered as she wiped her tears of relief. "...at least I know that he's safe with you there. How is he Yongbok?"
"I have to be honest, it's probably how you would imagine him be, away from home, away from you... it's not looking good but I'm still trying my best to take great care of him." Yongbok's answer was making Hanni's head filled with guilt again. "Is there any chance that I can talk to him now Yongbok...? Please..." Hanni cried out while trying to stay calm yet her head's not thinking straight. "I'm sorry Hanni, I don't think tonight's the right time to do so... But I'm sure one day you'll get that chance. Because for now, Yongjae only wants to heal himself and I'm sure you yourself are doing the same thing right?"
As Hanni slowly got back to her senses, she could only nod with the tears already lumping in her eyes. "I understand... he's there with you and you're taking care of him. That's more than enough for now. Thank you..."
"You're welcome. I don't want to worry you more so that's all I have to say now. Don't worry too much okay, I will continue to care for him and I'm sure when the time comes, he'll open up to you again." Yongbok whispered in comfort as Hanni held onto that hope.
"Thank you so much Yongbok. Take good care of him okay? And Yongbok..." Hanni were contemplating as she sat back down. "...is it possible if I ask you for a few photos of him now? Please? I won't ask for anything else..." Hanni asked with a hopeful heart.
"I know you would ask that. Sure thing. I'll send you the photos I took of him earlier today. Take care okay Hanni? Heal yourself and I'm sure you and Yongjae will eventually find yourself back to each other. Bye, take care, talk to you soon..." And Yongbok eventually ended their call as Hanni silently crying her eyes out in relief for the first time.
"Thank god..." She heaved out a sigh of relief before calming herself down and wiping the tears off her face as her phone received a notification. She checked it and realized it's Yongbok and as he promised, he sent Hanni photos of you.
Hanni opened up the chat and she formed a light smile as she saw photos of you that Yongbok took earlier back at the shop and pub. "Yongjae..." She whispered as the longing feelings of missing you was slowly being filled enough by just looking at your photos.
Her eyes couldn't leave the photo she's looking at, even when you had your beanie covering your hair, a mask covering your face, the sneakers you're wearing was enough for her to know that it's really you in the photos. "Even I could see those pain behind that smile Yongjae... I'm sorry..."
Immediately Hanni got out from her room as she got into her parent's room. "Mommy~ Where's dad?" Hanni looked for her father as she only saw her mother in their room. "Your father's in his office downstairs. What is it Hanni bunny? You looked happy..." Her mother noticed the lightened up version of her daughter, more like the way she used to be.
"Look it's Yongjae." She sat down next to her mother's by the bed as she showed the pictures to her mother. "Did he sent this to you? Did he talk to you?" Her mother was looking at the photos and she could see why her daughter's smiling back the way she was.
Hanni just shook her head. "Yongbok sent this. Yongjae's living with his family actually, Yongbok told me before he sent me these photos. Yongjae made him promised not to tell us but knowing Yongbok who really cares about his friends, he couldn't keep it away from us so he told me" Hanni's excited smile made her mother felt at ease. "I hope he's doing okay over there."
"You don't know how happy mommy is seeing you back like this my dear Hanni..." Her mother's whisper made Hanni wrapped her arms around her mother for comfort. "Yongbok told me that Yongjae's healing himself over there and I will too. I don't want to cry out of misery again... I want to be me again..."
"That's great. I'm so happy to hear that. And now that everything's starting to become better, then mommy can finally give this to you." Her mother got off the bed. "Give what mommy?" Hanni's confused as her mother went over to her desk and got to the cabinet and took out the gift-wrapped item that you gave her parents that morning.
Her mother walked over to Hanni as she handed it to her daughter. "This is from Yongjae..." Her eyes widened as she's holding onto the gift with her hands being a bit shaky. "...Yongjae asked mommy to give it to you at times you need it the most and mommy's sure now's the right time."
"This is from Yongjae...?" Hanni's eyes couldn't leave the gift as her hand's caressing it softly before she smiled lightly. "Thank you, mommy..." Hanni gave her mother a tight hug before she went back to her room and sat back at her desk. Hanni took a deep breath as she carefully unwrapped the gift. She took out the item and saw that it was actually a notebook.
"Yongjae..." She whispered as she's caressing the cover of the book gently while her head's thinking of you in every seconds before she flipped the cover opened and noticed something fall off from the inside.
She glanced down as she noticed an envelope that fall from the book so she immediately brought it back up. She looked at the front and Hanni could tell that it's definitely your handwriting. Her eyes began to tear up again as she read what you've written on the envelope.
"To Hanni Pham, my best friend."
Wheew, that's a long chapter of nothing's progressing huh? My bad 😿
Feel free to imagine Yongjae's face as much as you want. I used Joshua's because that's how I pictured our boy here would look like. Peace ✌️ By the way, we're getting close now to a real 'happy' chapter 🤗 and this time I'm serious.
....right?