My leg was bouncing a hundred miles a minute while I chewed on my painted nail nervously.
I sat on my stone patio steps dressed in a white checkerboard cropped tank top and black ripped skinny jeans, my hair was out as a ploy to make myself feel more confident. I let it fall in front of my face as a shield from the night air and looked up and down the street seconds away from backing out of this very stupid idea.
"It's one of the last ones. After this you can look for new ways to feel better. Ways that won't get you grounded for life if you're caught." I negotiated with myself in a hushed whisper. It wasn't like anyone was out late enough to hear me anyway.
I assumed the only thing keeping me from being a sleep deprived mess in the mornings was the adrenaline. I somehow still managed to wake up every morning and put on a show for my adopted parents. It wasn't something I was exactly proud of, but it was notable.
The large black range rover skids to a stop in front of my house booming loud rap music. The window closest to me rolls down and the sound amplifies making my eyes go wide in alarm.
"Bubbles you coming?! I don't got all day."
I jump up and half run to the car amused and terrified.
"Rizzo lower the music!" I shout in a hushed tone to avoid adding to the noise.
He's startled by the harshness in my voice and moves quickly to dial the volume down.
This was the first party I was going to alone, the first party where the only person watching over me is me, and I could either be responsible and smart or make horrible decisions.
While you may think the choice is easy, it's not, mainly because the devil on my shoulder is much louder and she would rather go wild. Especially if I was promising that this was one of my last hurrahs and no one was here to convince me otherwise.
"Your folks sleeping?"
I pull open the door and jump in quickly rolling up the window before putting my seat belt on as he speeds off, "Yeah, they would flip if they knew I was sneaking out almost every night." He laughed at my explanation as he leaned back in his seat and drove nonchalantly.
His car was suspiciously nice and I tried to coax myself to remember if he had ever told me what his parents did for a living.
"Nice car."
"That's what I'm saying. My folks finally let me get it after I passed a drug test." I couldn't help turning my head and chuckling.
Rizzo had an innate crackhead look to him that made the things he said and the way he acted instantly entertaining. His beanie and hoodie combo only amplified this, especially when he was accompanied by some kind of intoxication.
"Where's your football star?"
"He plays baseball."
"Damn really?"
I rolled my eyes with a half-smile. He could hardly remember what month we were in, so I was proud of him for remembering that Jayden even played a sport.
"So who's designated driver for the night?"
Irresponsible not idiotic.
"Don't worry about it bubs, I got it covered."
"Don't make me end up having to walk home Rizzo."
He threw his head back cackling still driving with grace.
"I gotchu, I swear." And for some reason I trusted him.
We get to the party and the house was bigger than I expected. It was definitely the largest out of all the house parties I had attended, which wasn't very surprising since the houses had only been going up in size.
As I sat in the car eyeing the location, I started reprimanding myself for thinking I was bold enough to go to one of these without a single crutch support friend from my group. Instinctively, my nail found its way to my mouth and I chewed on it as deep breaths were attempted.
I would be fine, I just needed to not overthink things.
"Come on bubs, what's the holdup for?" I force myself to focus and realize he was already out of the car waiting for me. I grab my phone and stick it in my back pocket before jumping out and jogging to catch up to him.
"Now listen, stay close, there's all types of weirdos in this place, you hear me?" I narrow my eyes at him extremely confused and slightly amused, "I don't know, that's just the speech my mom gives me before we go anywhere." He pulls his beanie down and I giggle still equally as puzzled as I was before he explained.
We get inside and if I had epilepsy the strobe lights would have taken me out instantly. There was smoke floating along the floors and ceilings, and I noticed it was due to a mixture of a fog machine and the people my age smoking a variety of things.
Rizzo drags me through a crowd of sweaty moving bodies. It smelled like must and alcohol, which I guess wasn't as bad as it could be.
The music was booming, and I noticed the several speakers stacked on top of each other bouncing to the same beat of a song I didn't recognize. The noise level was insane and I was reduced to only hearing the sound of my breathing.
My abdomen vibrated along with the tune and I gently pressed one hand to it the entire time to reassure myself that I was fine, while my other hand was in Rizzo's grip. I was thankful for the fact that he hadn't immediately abandoned me, though I knew it was bound to happen at some point in the night. My biggest fear was losing him and never finding him again— therefore losing my ride home.
What would I do then? Walk home? Call a friend? Give in to my parents?
A thought I didn't want to ruminate.
We stop at a group of boys and Rizzo immediately starts chatting excitedly, I knew I would soon have to start introducing myself, but it wasn't long before Rizzo was moving to the next location so I didn't see a point in settling down.
I had to remind myself Rizzo made it a mission to know any and everybody.
He gives a few more greetings while I glance around the room scouting out the party, marking all the exit and searching for humans I recognized.
We finally settle outside at a large wooden picnic table near a beautifully illuminated pool. Few bodies were inside the pool, a few boys in their shorts, some girls who had been pushed in.
Rizzo sat on the bench and I sat on the table so that I didn't have to sit directly next to him. The boys started talking, getting rowdy, and eventually I found myself looped in conversation where we were all laughing and cracking jokes.
I hadn't looked at the exact time we had made the worst decision of our lives so far.
A boy dressed in a light grey sweater and khaki shorts comes running over laughing his ass off. I hadn't noticed him till he was practically falling on top of me. One of the girls I had just met was recounting a story about how her mom had gotten pissed when she caught her sleeping with her boyfriend. She was giggling her ass off, but I was honestly worried about how pissed her mom was going to be if she found out she was sneaking her boyfriend in and partying, literal double homicide.
He bumps into my back making my eyes narrow before he quickly apologizes through snickers. It was him and a few other males that had gravitated towards our table. I started to feel insecure in my tank top, but I convinced myself to ignore the feeling.
"Riz you're not going to BELIEVE what I have."
Rizzo swivels around with an eyebrow raised and out of curiosity I turn as well. I see a medium sized glass bottle with a label that said: Everclear. I squinted wanting to read the details so I could understand why this particular bottle was such a big deal. I noticed in the corner of the label the number ninety-five sitting in glowing white font next to the words "alcohol percentage." It didn't take much for me to piece together that this was one of the strongest alcohols by far, and that's why there was so much hype erupting amongst the teenage boys— we were going to die.
"No way." Rizzo immediately recognizes it and snatched it, "Yeah, remember my dad works with the shipping detail." I didn't know what this meant but if it meant that this bottle was going to be opened and consumed, I was terrified.
"Drinking game. Drinking game right now." And as if on cue, everyone at the table started to organize themselves. I assumed the unspoken rule was that if you weren't in a seat you weren't playing. No standing or sitting on the table allowed, everyone else had to just be a viewer. And I was fine being an audience member, there was no need for me to challenge fate tonight, the night that I came to a party knowing only one person.
I was lifted off the table, people wanting the process to go faster so the game could begin, and I was pulled to a seat by the girl who had become my friend minutes ago. My butt stung from the harsh plop into the seat I performed, and I turned to look at her perplexed. There was no way I was participating in a drinking game with that kind of beverage. I didn't have a death wish for the night.
"Let's begin, nobody move." Everyone froze in place and I knew there was no escape without social scrutinization.
Miniature plastic shot glasses were distributed around the table, I held mine with a sweaty hand. It felt embarrassing to admit I was nervous.
"Alrighty." A blonde boy stood on the table acting as our announcer clearly enjoying his job as he paced back and forth swinging his extremities. It was going to be fun watching us all puke our brains out pretty soon.
"Take a shot if you have a penis." All the boys groaned at the unfair start but obliged, taking their shot followed by shocked laughs and intense coughing. Everyone's reactions only made me more anxious knowing the females were bound to be called out next.
"If you've got a vagina, it's your turn." I pouted towards no one in particular and let out an internal groan before raising the cup to my nose. The smell burned my lungs and I had to stop myself before I chickened out. We all waited till the count of three then took the shot, my throat instantly burned as the rough sandpaper-like liquid ran down my throat. I managed to force it down but started coughing wildly immediately after. I had to stand up and take a step away to stop myself from being overly dramatic and loud at the table.
Rizzo noticed my state and started laughing chaotically as he ordered someone not participating in the game to grab me a a water bottle. I returned to the table and chugged the bottle as if I had never tasted water before.
"If you're good at math take a swing." I was proud of the fact that I was able to skip this one and catch my breath. My female companion giggled as she witnessed me inhale deep breaths dramatically.
"If you're athletic, go on." I was still safe and I grinned at that information getting mildly excited by the game. We all laughed at the random "come on's!" from the people who had to take shots one after the other.
"If you're in a relationship, you just screwed yourself lovebird." I managed to be amused and annoyed at the same time as I did a weird whiny giggle noise hating the situation I was in, before I picked my cup up and plugged my nose deciding to get it over with.
It didn't burn any less the second time but at least this time I was able to soothe it with water right after.
I couldn't believe there was a time in my life where I idolized and passionately craved teenager stupidity.
It didn't take long before I was feeling dizzy, but I saw no one else giving up yet so I refused to be the first.
"If you've smoked in the last week, drink up."
There were a few more rounds, some where I was safe and few where I had to down another shot painfully. By the fifth shot I was laying on the table with my eyes half open and ears ringing. I regretted every decision that led me up to this.
The blonde boy kept announcing more rounds, but I couldn't hear whether it was my turn or not, and it wouldn't matter if I could. I couldn't handle any more alcohol in my system. I felt paralyzed at the moment. All I could do was focus on the feeling of the bench table on my cheek.
I sensed a hand rubbing my back and I didn't know who it belonged to, but I was thankful for the gesture. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to revel in the shapes and colors swirling behind my eyelids and the feeling of my body falling into the floor even though I was one hundred percent sure I wasn't moving at all.
I couldn't tell if I was going crazy or not but eventually I realized someone was calling my name. I open my eyes finally noticing I had closed them completely, and I focused on listening.
"Bubbles you okay?"
"No. I drank too much... I definitely.. definitely... drank too much."
I couldn't see Rizzo, but it was easy to tell it was him because the only other person who called me bubbles is dead.
Maybe I did need another shot.
I tried to command my legs to move but they weren't having it, it was decided that I was staying in this spot.
"You are a light weight." I narrow my eyes at him before crossing my arms and laying my head on the table.
"Come get me when it's time to go." He chuckles, "Okay, whatever you say."
It probably wasn't smart to be drunk and trying to fall asleep on a janky picnic table at a random house during a party filled with people I don't know. But standing up was not a possibility and I didn't want to be an inconvenience to anyone.
So I drifted off.
_______
When I wake up, I'm taken aback by one of the most chronic headaches I have ever felt in my life. I can't remember a time I've felt my head pounding this furiously.
I was sprawled on my back with fabric on my cheek and noticed I was in motion. My senses were immediately alert and I pieced together the fact that I was obviously hungover in a car. And as soon as I figured out how to force my eyes open I could discern out whose car it was, who's driving it, and what time it is.
Everything in me hoped and prayed, before I opened my eyes, that it was still nighttime, that I had not been stupid enough to sleep through the night and be caught in the middle of nowhere in daylight.
I commanded my arms up, massaged my temples and rubbed my eyes finally able to open them. I realize I am in a large van, there is a teenage boy lying on the floor, a boy sharing a long seat with me— with my legs on top of him, and there is a girl in the passenger seat along with a boy in the driver's seat.
My stomach started to bubble with intense fear and a scream got caught in my throat.
It was broad daylight. Not even the early hours of the morning, but late morning. To the point where my parents definitely knew I wasn't home, and I was certainly screwed.
I was so close, so close to a panic attack. I inhaled deeply and shook my hands, cracking my neck.
All you have to do it get it together Jess.
I didn't take the time to examine the people I was with and see if I knew any of them. I had to do one thing at a time or my mind would implode and I would start panicking.
I feel my phone in my back pocket and pull it out, trying to turn it on only to find it was dead.
I slam it on my lap and hold my pounding head in my hands face palming. Why? Why me? Why tonight?
Carefully, I retract my legs from the lap of the stranger I was next to and sit criss-cross on the seat. My eyes squint and I study his face intently but was certain I didn't recognize him. I glance towards the boy on the floor and by the beanie alone label him as Rizzo. Of course. Of course I'm with him and in this mess. Why did I think anything else would happen?
After a moment, I examine the back of the girl in the front seat, I wasn't sure but I hoped it was the girl I had spoken to throughout the night just so I could know another person here and feel slightly more secure. I didn't know where the hell we were and I was going to start freaking out pretty soon.
The boy in the front was blocked from my view, I could only make out a distinct tattoo of a Chinese symbol on the back of his neck.
With great effort, I sit up and focus on the clock in the front. It was nine in the morning. Holy shit.
"Hello. Excuse me, where are we? And where the hell are we going?!" I noticed his eyes move to the rear view mirror and I wave with a sarcastic smile on my face trying to hide my annoyance. This was basically kidnapping. I could definitely label this as my third time being kidnapped if I wanted.
"We're going to Hershey Park in Pennsylvania."
"Hahaha— No. No we're not."
The boy next to me begins to stir and I grow more nervous. How was I supposed to get home? How did I expect Kaylee to keep covering for me?
"When was it decided that we were going to an amusement park?"
He sits up and stretches before he examined me, "Wait, where are we going?" The other boy looks back through the rear view mirror, "Hershey Park."
I grow more frustrated, "On a weekday... When there's school? Who agreed to this??"
He sighs and rolls his eyes, "Listen girl Rizzo said you were down for it, don't start shit this early in the morning."
It took a lot of restraint to not kick Rizzo awake, that wouldn't solve anything.
"Her name is Jessica." The girl was indeed the one that I had spent most of my night with.
"Look man, I've got to get home. I have to go to school and my parents don't know I'm out."
"Your parents? How old are you?"
"Like seventeen dude, I need to get home!"
He screeches to a halt and the movement jolts Rizzo awake, "What happened? What's going on?" Holy shit I'm going to murder him.
I start to shiver only in my cropped tank top. This headache wasn't helping. I needed coffee, breakfast, and an Advil.
"She's a minor dude, why didn't you tell us how old she was?"
"Yeah, now we gotta drive back because she's got a curfew."
I didn't even feel bad about it. I never asked to take part in this adventure. I needed to call home, call Kaylee, or call Jayden, just call someone.
"Do any of you have a charger?"
"Nah girl."
"I told you her name Xay."
He rolls his eyes swiftly making a U-turn so we could go back home.
"Can we stop soon?" Everyone was hungover or still high/drunk which wasn't fun to deal with. I just needed to know what was going on at home.
We eventually take a pause at a rest stop, Rizzo was now fully awake but I could tell his head was pounding so he hadn't communicated much yet.
I leapt out of the car and ran inside to use the bathroom. In the stall I almost felt like crying as I evaluated my situation. I was hours away from home with a dead phone. And I only had about twenty-five dollars in emergency cash that I was about to spend right now on breakfast and a charger.
After spending my money and emptying my bladder I find the group near the entrance laughing over something one of the boys had said.
I stand in the group clinging to myself, shivering as I ate my breakfast. I didn't know if I was cold or nervous. Maybe it was both. "What's wrong Cortez? That's what your boyfriend calls you right? "Cortez"?" I half smile as I nod, "Yeah. But uh... I'm just cold." I rub my arms to create warmth shifting my eyes around.
"Come on. One of you boys be a gentleman and offer your jackets." There were only two boys with hoodies, Rizzo and some other black haired boy with a lip ring, the one I had practically slept on top of last night.
"It can't be me Lauren. I'm going to go through withdrawals pretty soon. It's gotta be you." Rizzo speaks before he nudges the other boy whose name I still hadn't learned.
He groans loudly and starts taking his hoodie off, "Why am I the only one that thought of possible weather conditions?" I couldn't help laughing as I took the jacket from him giving a sympathetic and grateful smile before putting it on. I let the warm and comfortable feeling trick my mind into thinking things aren't that bad for a moment before I finished my breakfast and threw away the wrapper, following the rest of them back to the van.
We rode for a few hours back home in peaceful silence. I put my phone to charge and after about an hour, turned it on so I could call someone. It was around eleven thirty almost twelve, I knew there was no way I was in the clear anymore.
My phone finally turned on and I see I had about a million missed calls from nearly everyone I knew.
I call Kaylee back first hoping she would be able to pick up. She doesn't, but I call Jayden next and he picks up immediately after two rings.
"Hello?"
"Jessica, where the hell are you?"
I knew he meant business when he called me "Jessica" instead of "Cortez."
"It's a really long story, I'm guessing I'm toast."
"Your parents are calling and texting mine looking for you, saying they're going to call the police."
I groan putting the sweater sleeve over my face.
"It's not my fault, but it kind of really is my fault."
"What happened?"
"Aren't you in class?"
"I don't care."
Gosh I adored him.
I sat in the passenger seat at a weird angle with my hood up and my phone plugged into the charger gossiping with my boyfriend on the verge of tears from a pending panic attack.
"Where are you?"
"I'm not sure. Where are we?"
I speak out to my driving companion which was still the boy with the neck tattoo.
"About an hour or two away from home."
I sigh defeated and turn my attention back to my phone, "I'm an hour or two away from home." I could sense how annoyed he was with me, "Who are you with?" And the answers I was giving him weren't making it any better, "Three guys, one girl."
A huge part of me didn't want to get home because I dreaded facing my parent's wrath. They were going to be pissed, I knew that much. But the other part of me really just wanted a hug from Jayden.
"Tell me what happened."
"I got peer pressured into a drinking game. I got too drunk and passed out. Woke up in a van on its way to an amusement park."
He wasn't aware I was going to a party last night and I knew he was probably irritated about it. I was sure I looked like some kind of addict.
"Eventful night."
"I regret it completely. I just want to go home and go to bed."
Partying gave me a weird kind of high, but it also gave me a violent low.
"What should I tell my parents?"
"I would avoid telling them the whole drinking and partying bit. That's something they can probably live without knowing about their daughter."
I laugh quietly shaking my head. What have I turned into? Actually, I don't want to think about it.
"I can't think of any excuse at all. I'm going to have to make something up completely."
I couldn't tell if he was mad or disappointed and I didn't want to know that either. At least not yet.
"Maya didn't come to school today. Maybe you can include her in your lie."
"Maybe... I'll call you back later."
I felt guilty sitting on the phone with him, like my actions were inexcusable, and I knew that they weren't. I was being idiotic and reckless, and I probably shouldn't have been, but I was human therefore I was still allowed. So I hung up and I placed my phone in my lap looking out the window.
I was going to be fine eventually, right?
————
With my hoodie sleeves over my hands, I trudge lethargically out of my second to last period. It felt like I was wearing a big hug and I liked it, I questioned why I stopped wearing hoodies so often. There was a reason I wore them in the first place.
Arriving at my locker, I open it quickly to retrieve my books and a snack for my next period.
I sense a body leaning on the lockers and I didn't have to be psychic to know it was Jayden. I hadn't called him back last night, so he was probably mad at me for a number of reasons today.
"Cortez. Long time no see."
I pass him my book bag to hold.
"I'm a busy woman." He takes it with a small chuckle. I unzip the bag and put the unnecessary books in the locker to lighten the load.
"You didn't call me."
I zip my book bag and grab it from him putting it on my back.
"You seemed annoyed with me, I didn't know if you wanted to hear the outcome." His eyebrows furrowed, "The only thing that annoyed me was how irresponsible you were at a party that you went to on your own." I didn't have a rebuttal for him, he was completely right. I was painfully moronic last night.
"Look I don't know what's going on with you—" I shut my locker loudly to which he shut his eyes in response to, annoyed, "But I think you need you to cut it out. For your sake." I narrow my eyes, "And my parents sake, and friends sake, and yours too of course, right?" He crosses his arms trying to remain patient, "Yes. For everyone's sake."
My eyes roll defiantly, "I won't change myself to please you guys." He scoffs in disbelief, "So this is you now? New and improved?"
There weren't many in the hall but I spotted the few that were trying to be nosey.
"I don't want to do this now."
"Well I do, because we're all pretty done with you acting brand new due to some delusion you keep having."
"Delusion?"
Was he being serious?
"Nevermind, you're right. I'm not going to argue with you right now, we have class."
"Why? Does the stress of going to class inhibit your ability to insult me?"
"I did not insult you, calm down."
"CALM DOWN?"
We were both irritated and passionately arguing our sides, letting a lot off our chests. This was a real argument between us, the first one we've had in forever.
"Yes, calm down. You're obviously not ready to talk yet."
"I am definitely ready to talk about you reducing what happened to a simple delusion."
"You picking up the phone that night ultimately would not have prevented Lucinda's death. But that's not a conversation you're ready to have."
I stood staring at him shocked and furious.
I wanted shout a huge "fuck you Jayden" but I didn't.
My eyes merely remained focused on his, while my face struggled to refrain from showing any emotion before I simply turned and sauntered away from him. I didn't have to walk fast because there was no chance he would follow me, he knew not to chase me at this point.
Broken and lost. Better than numb and angry.