The sun beaming through the cracks of my drapes is what wakes me up and by it's intensity I could tell it was around noon. I couldn't help being surprised that Greg was completely holding up his end of the deal and I wondered how he was convincing Maria.
Sitting up I took a moment to assess my situation. My head felt a bit clearer, the water wasn't as murky and I sensed myself being able to form some coherent thoughts. I didn't feel happiness per se but at least I didn't feel this buried uncontrollable rage.
I released my hair from its ponytail and ran my hand through the mess. There was still some numbness but I'm sure it's a side effect to the drugs.
With a glance down at my body, I rolled my eyes at the fact that I was still in my outfit from yesterday. Feeling dirty I got up and went into my bathroom taking my time peeling away the clothes that felt a bit sweaty, probably from restless sleep or another side effect of the drugs, and slip into the shower.
The fog took over my mind and I found it hard to pay attention, but it felt like only seconds had passed before I had unconsciously cleaned myself entirely and was stepping out.
I dry myself then wrap my body in the towel strolling into my room.
My phone repeatedly lights up and buzzes in its place on my nightstand and I sighed knowing that would be my group of friends having a panic attack because I wasn't in school. There was no doubt they would try to show up
I change into a different set of pajamas, not expecting to do anything today then lay on my bed again, turn on my TV, and try to ignore my phone. I was determined to use this time to relax and somehow get back to my normal self.
Everything was calm until the loud knocking on my window jolted me awake. I didn't remember falling asleep, but I was proud of my body for allowing it. I definitely felt more rested.
Looking towards the window, the familiar figure of my boyfriend was obvious as it was outlined through the curtains. I was glad he couldn't see into my room because then he would expect me to allow him in, something I wasn't really in the mood to do today. He would only interrogate me.
Jayden continues knocking. I debated whether I should tell him to go away or just wait for him to leave on his own.
It's not that I didn't appreciate him, I did. He had an admirable amount of patience and dedication and I was grateful for him. But he was also a bit overbearing and I needed space.
The knocking soon stops and I released a small sigh of relief. That was when I knew I wasn't my normal self. Any other day I would have snuck him in and tried to force him to stay till midnight. I felt different, and I was sure the only way I could get back to myself at this point was to just fake it.
————
"So Jessica. How is the medication?"
It was clear she was trying to subtly investigate whether I was taking my pills and genuinely trying to get better.
"Fine. I've been sleeping more but it makes me kind of nauseous, and sometimes I'll sweat or get panicky."
She was shocked I was consistently following her directions, but she tried her best to stay professional and keep her expressions masked.
What worried me most was the fact that I was being forced to go back to school tomorrow. Maria finally put her foot down and said that whatever scheme Greg and I had going on had to stop. I wasn't sure how much she knew or how she knew it at all, but I chalked it all up to women's intuition.
Even though Maria knew about our plan, it didn't change my terms— only Greg's. I still had to take my meds and go to therapy but instead of radio silence from humanity I had the threat of hospitalization looming over me. She said she was worried I would hurt myself and that she had never seen me so down, but I didn't know what she was talking about, I've had lower points in my life. At least this time I was still kind of numb.
"Jess?"
"Hmm?" I snap back and realize she was saying something to me and watching me with curiosity. I silently scold myself for dazing off, I had to convince her I was normal. I had to convince her everything was alright because pretty soon my guardians would be asking her for her professional opinion on my mental state and she might assure them that I'm nuts.
"Sleep? How's your sleep? Calm? Restless?"
"A little restless but I just assumed it was the meds."
"It probably is but we'll keep you on it for a little longer to see how else your body reacts to it."
My body only offers a nod in response as I slouch in my chair to escape her eyes.
"Alright. Let's talk."
——
Rubbing my face, I walk out of the building and let out the aggravated sigh I was withholding. I know therapy is supposed to be healing and whatnot, but I cannot stand being forcibly pried into.
I pull my hoodie close to my body and stare at the floor clutching a folder that held all my issues in black Times New Roman font as I rocked back and forth on my heels. It didn't matter that I had my phone in my hands, I didn't want to talk to anyone and I didn't have much service so the phone was basically useless anyway.
A loud honk makes my head snap up in attention and I train my eyes on the familiar car I didn't expect.
The passenger side window is rolled down and I tilted my head, squinting with the sun in one eye, and stared with a contorted face. Jayden's sudden appearance brought a bit of unanticipated joy and I was grateful for it. It gave me hope of getting back to some normalcy, it meant I was missing him again.
"Well are you gonna get in?"
I put one hand up over my eyes to shelter them from the sun as I looked at him with a crooked neck.
"I don't think my parents would approve of me getting in the car with a stranger."
A joke. Big surprise, Jessica still knows how to tell them. I'm not too far gone yet.
He smirks and leans on the center console angled more towards me.
"Since when do you care about your parent's approval?"
I sigh and lazily wave the folder around, admitting to no one in particular, "He makes a good point," as I walk forward and open the door climbing inside.
"I haven't seen you in a while."
"I've been avoiding you." I answer honestly with a shrug and his eyes grow noticeably wide with surprise.
"Why?"
"You've been in this— like — overbearing protective boyfriend mode that I needed to get some distance from."
"Ouch."
I grimaced at my unfiltered statement feeling a bit bad afterwards, "Sorry."
He shakes his head keeping his eyes on the road only sneaking a small glance at me.
"I just wanted to make sure you didn't do something stupid over a temporary feeling."
"It doesn't feel very temporary."
"Well obviously. That's because you're still in it."
I roll my eyes and enjoy the experience of being back in his car and communicating normally, not feeling weird or annoyed sitting next to him. Just feeling like things were back to how they were again.
My phone dings and I look down picking it up to see someone had sent me a picture. Once I open it and start reading, I realize it's an invitation.
You're invited to Lucinda's funeral party. Only close friends and family. RSVP to her mother— Janice
There would be no regular burial or proper send off for Lucinda because her family was a mess. I could only imagine how depressing the setting would be, with only a few people sitting around, sipping on punch awkwardly. But I had to go. I owed it her, she would come to mine.
"What are you staring at so hard?"
"..uh... Lucinda's mom is throwing a funeral party for Lucinda and I'm invited."
"A party? That's odd."
"She's odd."
I look back down at my phone for the time and date of this event and felt a pang of anxiety as I realized it was in two weeks.
Would I have to go alone? Or would one of my friends be included in this "close friends" list?
"Check my phone. See if I'm invited."
Picking his phone up out of the front cup holder I saw a picture message notification from the same number and immediately knew it was the invite.
"You are."
"Great."
It wasn't great, it was sad. What kind of party could this woman really throw for a child she hardly knew?
"Are you okay with going?"
Would her body be on display? Would her mother dress her up and make her unrecognizable?
"Yeah I'm fine. It could be like a nice positive last goodbye." That's the complete and exact opposite of what I thought the experience would be. But I agreed to myself that I would never speak my true feelings again if they were only going to hurt and worry the people that I loved. I couldn't do that anymore.
"Good."
~~~
"Jess where have you been?!" The excitement in Maddie's voice made me cringe and covertly pull my sweater closer to myself in hopes of some imaginary comfort.
They were all sitting at the usual picnic table and even Jayden was surprised I showed up. He was probably wondering why I didn't ask him to take me to school today, but it was only because I wanted a few more minutes of silence in the morning before I had to pretend to enjoy socializing the rest of the day.
"Uh... Greg let me stay home for a few days. Get my head back in the right place."
My only objective was to convince everyone I was over it. The only person who can know the truth is me.
"So you're fine now?" Maya now questioned, staring at me skeptically. I guess I had to get used to that. People doubting my sanity.
"Better than before." I couldn't pretend that I was capable of bouncing from a scary dark depression to a happy sunshiny standard life. It just wasn't possible. If I was going to lie, it had to be believable.
"That's great." They eased off a bit and it allowed me to relax the tension in my shoulders.
I sit next to Jayden putting my book-bag on the floor and listen to everyone talk instead of engaging.
Normal me wouldn't have done that but there was only so much acting I could do in one day.
"Why didn't you tell me to pick you up?" I turn to Jayden with slight panic not expecting to have to give an excuse so soon.
"Maria wanted to drop me off, make sure I was okay." Another lie. I hated lying, most of all to him, but what else could I do? The truth just felt like an untouchable force lately.
He didn't look at me doubtfully which only made me feel worse about lying.
I grab a hold of his hand and intertwine our fingers laying them in my lap. If he wanted to dig to the truth it was likely that he could. He was one of the few people that could get me break, but he was deciding to trust my judgement, which is probably the worst thing anyone could ever decide to do.
I stare down at our hands and wonder if he would hate me for changing so much. He didn't sign up for all this drama and yet he was still in the middle of it.
He gently raises my head by my chin and silently demands my attention. I make eye contact and instantly want to pour my heart out, but I don't.
"You sure you're feeling better?" I wait a few seconds before I look down and half smile, "...yeah. Just ten feet at a time right?" The way I said it wasn't very convincing, but I was thankful for the fact that I could still use the quiet little confused girl tactic. No one expected me to be confident and strong right now.
"Of course." And he kisses my temple dropping the subject. I huff feeling grimy for being so deceiving.
One down.
————
"So let me get this straight— her mother is throwing a party? Instead of having a real funeral? For her kid?"
I roll my eyes not understanding the logic myself.
"I don't understand it either Mads." She scoffs in contempt, "Are you going?" I shrug with a blank expression and nod. I knew that going to this thing would probably only make me feel about a million times worse, but I had to. I owed her this and so much more.
"Did you ask your therapist?"
"What?" I questioned rather defensively. I could tell she was trying to tiptoe around the subject, probably for this exact reason.
"I just— I just think you should ask her if she recommends it. You're finally making progress and I don't want to see you go back." Immediately I dropped my tense hostile stance realizing she was only being Maddie. Extremely presumptuous but also really caring.
"It's going to be sad, for sure, but I need to go. If the roles were reversed, she'd go for me." She began staring at me worriedly and I reminded myself that she was just another person in my life I needed to convince.
"Hey, why don't we go dress shopping? No reason we should look crappy at an already disastrous party." The corners of her lips lift a little and the doubtful stares ceased.
Another one down.
We walk through the halls, Maddie leading me towards my next class since it was on the way to her's. I tried to stop thinking of it as babysitting and more of us just spending time.
My next class was a class I had with Ryan and Maya so you could imagine how much fun that was.
She drops me off and as soon as I make eye contact with Maya, I notice her evil smile. I turn to the teacher's desk spotting the substitute teacher and smirk with a knowing head shake.
"You know what this means." Absolute chaos, that's what this means.
I take my seat and already was forced into a group that was making noise and wreaking havoc.
"Alright Maya. Serious question."
There was lots of laughing and talking while the substitute sat with his feet propped up on the desk and his headphones in.
The only thing on the board was a few assignments and a note from the teacher begging us to not be the spawns of Satan he knows we are.
"Okay, shoot."
Maya sits on my desk, a few of our other friends sit scattered on the floor. Ryan sits at the desk in front of us launching the occasional paper ball to mess with someone.
"How long do we have to wait for you and Jess to get together?" I roll my eyes while Ryan nearly falls out of his seat cackling.
Maya smirks and shrugs, "Not very long," then grabs my face and comes alarmingly close to kissing me. The noise level only rose dramatically and everyone waited to see what would happen.
She disappointed everyone by kissing my cheek and we both laughed at the exaggerated disappointment filled reactions.
As the attention shifts from us to Ryan who was suddenly childishly dared to go shirtless in front of the sub, Maya grabs my chin and forces my face to look at her.
"I've missed you." I half smile feeling a shadow of joy, hating that I was only allowed brief moments of light because that's just how the universe worked for me.
"Missed you too."
And there's another one.
Once school was over, I was feeling socially drained. I'd been fake smiling and forcing myself to be friendly for hours which I guess was better than keeping to myself and wallowing in silence.
I'm knocked over and I groan holding my side as the roar of boyish laughing rings, "Jess I'm sorry." I realized it was Ryan and he managed to force an apology through his giggles.
Jayden helps me up still chuckling himself, and I dust myself off narrowing my eyes at the boys with faux irritation.
"It's not my fault your boyfriend was chasing me."
"I'm sure it wasn't."
They cackle as the girls come to join us. I had hoped I would be able to sneak home before they caught up to me and asked me to join them in any kind of social activity.
"Are your parents coming or am I driving you?" Jayden questions putting his arm around me. Maya shoves Ryan lightly, "See? That's true commitment. Jayden literally drives his girlfriend home almost every day knowing he still has baseball practice and other school shit." I sometimes forget my boyfriend is a student athlete and really does go the extra mile for me, even though he has a whole life outside of us.
"She lives close as hell! It's not my fault you live in the middle of nowhere."
"I do NOT live in the middle of nowhere." And they started to go back and forth leaving us all rolling our eyes amused.
"So, yes?"
"I hadn't realized I was complicating your life so much." He scoffs and with his arm still around me urges me to let him take me home. I wave goodbye to my group of friends, Maddie trying to escape the couple as well, and walk to his car.
I see Kaylee already standing there waiting impatiently and I couldn't help laughing as I had briefly forgotten about her.
"Well it took you both long enough."
"You could always walk home."
She grumbles and hops into the now unlocked car.
It wasn't long before we were home and I kissed Jayden goodbye before going inside.
It was exhausting having to really try and be engaged. I was proud of myself though, and I think I did a decent job at reassuring nearly everyone.
"Hey Jess, how was school?" Maria was cooking dinner and Greg was nowhere in sight which probably meant he was at work.
"Same old, same old."
I sit at the bar counter knowing if I immediately shut myself in my room it would raise questions. There always has to be a game plan.
"Feeling better?"
"Yeah."
Getting pretty freaking tired of people asking me that.
"I know it's not the greatest thing to bring up, but you need a dress for this... party."
With a sigh, I get up deciding I have indeed spent enough time socializing and I've earned a few hours of isolation.
"I was actually planning on going shopping with Maddie."
She was notably taken aback as she registered that I had willingly agreed to go anywhere.
"Really?"
"Yeah, but we'll probably get more distracted eating out than finding a dress." She shakes her head laughing and I trudge up the stairs relieved that she doesn't keep me on the subject anymore.
Kaylee sits in my room waiting for me on my bed.
"Kaylee out." I love my sister, but it seemed like at this point the only alone time I got was when I was asleep.
"I wanna talk." I don't, because I don't want her to be another person I'm deceiving.
"Can we talk tomorrow? I'm tired."
"You're always tired."
"Life of a high school student, what do you want me to tell you?"
I throw all my stuff down and pull my hair up grabbing some pajamas from my drawer.
"It only gets harder doesn't it?" With my back turned towards her I stare at the wall for a minute letting out a silent exhausted sigh.
"My only advice is: don't grow up."
I close my drawer harder than intended.
"I think you have a problem." My head snaps in her direction and I don't mean to be so defensive all the time but lately it was innate.
"What?" She cocks her head to the side unbothered by the aggressive tone in my voice.
"Your problem is you let your emotions take over you." Shutting down, I rolled my eyes and ignored her. What does she know? She's basically still a child.
"Your feelings are valid Jess. You have the right to feel whatever you want to feel— but I'm worried about you. Because you don't just feel things, you sink into them headfirst and you need to stop doing that."
I was getting pissed— mostly because I didn't know how to argue with that.
"Stop sticking your nose into things you don't understand Kaylee."
"Things won't get better unless you think better."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
I was riled up and to see her scarily calm sitting on my bed upright, criss-cross with her hands intertwined on her lap staring at me softly like she could see every insecurity and bad thought I was trying to hide was horrible.
"Suffering is optional Jess and you just won't forgive yourself."
"I don't want to hear this shit right now Kaylee. I really don't. Especially from you."
She exhales deeply and maintains her stare of sympathy.
"You're the best kind of person and you don't realize it. When you feel things, you feel them deeply, but when something bad happens, you let it drown you. You're drowning right now Jess."
"Kaylee! Piss off, I said I don't want to talk!"
She saw that I was reaching my peak.
"Fine. But I'm your sister and if there's anyone that would be willing to understand and talk to you, it's me."
I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to spill my entire heart out to her. My sister is not the same little girl I was getting abused to protect. She is growing up, she is understanding real life problems and understanding emotions and pain. I wanted to talk. Dammit, I wanted to scream, but all I could do was lower my voice to a whisper and choke out a small, "I'm fine."
And she gives up, "My bad. I must have been imagining things." Then she gets up walks out of my room without another word.
I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't. Fuck this.