I stared into the mirror at my neatly secured half up half down hair style and sighed before pulling the tube of mascara out of Maria's makeup bag.
"She would do it for you Jess." I whispered to myself in reassurance as I applied the unfamiliar substance to my eyelashes. I don't wear makeup often unless it's for something special, but it felt wrong beautifying myself for an event like this.
"Almost done honey?"
I lower my arms again examining my reflection.
"I don't like it." My voice was weak as I looked in the mirror waiting for her face to come into view.
"Don't like what?"
"This. Putting on makeup and a dress. It feels wrong."
Her face finally appears and I regretted waiting for it because her expression instantly made me feel guilty about even complaining. I don't get to complain today. Today doesn't belong to me.
"You have to look decent, but you don't have to do anything crazy."
I take in another deep breath and finish caking my face for the greater good before going downstairs to grab myself something to eat.
I didn't expect myself to fear today so intensely. You would think a funeral party for Lucinda would be relieving for me, I would finally get to say my goodbyes. But it was the exact opposite of that. I felt like throwing up and dry heaving at the same time, but I couldn't, there were eyes everywhere.
It was odd that my parents were going to be there, and everyone else's parents were as well, but it would have felt even more odd if it was just a bunch of teenagers huddled around Lucinda's dead body with Lucinda's spacey mom.
My mind tried to block out the fact that her body would be there, I was silently praying I would be able to maturely handle that.
"Jess, are you ready? We're leaving."
"Already downstairs." I mumble not having enough strength to shout.
She finally appears seemingly flustered, "Oh you're already downstairs. Great." It appeared to be a wild day for all of us.
In no rush, I take another bite of my granola bar watching her patiently.
"Let's go. Greg we're leaving!" I feel my stomach start to cramp up at the thought of us leaving.
Greg materialized and there was no choice but to get in the car. I couldn't chicken out now, I'm the one who asked for this. I'm the one who argued I was strong enough to go and while I was certain that I wasn't, I knew I needed to see Lucy just one last time.
What snapped me out of my daze was her crooked house coming into view. It looked considerably different in daylight with no ambulance lights flashing. There was now an abundance of people on the front lawn standing along scattered framed pictures.
I chewed on my nail as I stared out the window anticipating having to get out and put my pretend face on.
Eventually Greg parks and we exit the car. Pictures of Lucy's young smiling face crowded the long entryway to their house. She would have hated her mom for putting up such cringey photos of her. It started to make my eyes feel dry and I instinctively looked down and counted my steps, clinging onto the ends of my black dress to distract myself. I never liked wearing black dresses, they reminded me of funerals.
Maria and Greg made the conscious decision to ignore my odd behavior because they knew this was an overwhelming experience for me.
We reach the inside and her mother was gliding around, playing the part of a gracious host. I wanted to be angry at her for not feeling as much pain as I did. Lucinda wasn't even my daughter and I had trouble sleeping. But I've learned I can't control how other people deal with things and feel.
We make our way to the backyard, Greg and Maria doing most of the talking for me, and we sit at the designated table. I focused on the center flowers and tapped the table lightly with my nails. I didn't care if I looked weird or mental, I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown and I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't.
"Greg, Maria, how are you?" I hear Lilith's angelically light voice and for once it didn't make me feel better, it made my heart and stomach sink as it reminded me that Jayden and our unresolved issues came with them.
Lilith immediately kisses my cheek not feeling the need to formally greet me as she always treated me like her own daughter.
Diego soon follows and the only one left to greet me was Jayden. When I didn't sense the presence of anyone else, I turn around and saw he was actually on the phone near the open gate entrance with his brows furrowed meaning her was either confused or frustrated.
I turned back around and rest my head in my hand. I could get through it. I would be fine.
"Hello hello everyone. Welcome. Food will be served after the body viewing." I gently slammed my head into my arms on the table. I felt Diego, who had sat next to me, rub soft circles on my back understanding my reaction. I felt really lucky to have met Lilith and Diego, they were second parents to me when I didn't have any.
"Jayden, how are you?"
"Good sir, and you?"
Now I really felt like slamming my head into the table.
His familiar hand landed gently on my shoulder then his mouth was next to my ear, "We need to talk." His deep voice almost intimidated me, but I reminded myself who I was talking to.
My softy ass boyfriend.
"No."
He sighed in irritation standing a bit straighter. I knew something was bothering him, other than the fact that I was being difficult.
"I have things I need to tell you."
"Fine." I grumbled standing up sending him a small glare before walking ahead of him to a place where we could talk privately. He only chuckled at my immaturity and followed me.
It wasn't clear even to me exactly what I was furious about, I just felt angry all the time lately, and people calling me out on the behavior triggered shutting down as a coping mechanism.
We stopped under a tree. I noticed a few little girls at a distance running around in cute white dresses and frilly socks. I wondered if they knew Lucy. Maybe they were related to her. Did they have a clue about what was going on?
"I'm sorry for being harsh with you yesterday, I know you're—"
"I'm not fragile."
"I was going to say sensitive."
I turn back around to face him with a frown watching as he leaned nonchalantly against the tree with his hands in his dress pant pockets. I hadn't noticed how nice he looked. I was more focused on being mad at him, or maybe just avoiding him without actually avoiding him.
"You don't know anything."
"I know you're faking it."
"Faking what?"
"All of it. You're balancing so many acts I don't know how you keep track."
I didn't want to argue but I knew if I kept pushing it off, he would only keep bringing it up. And all this repression couldn't be healthy for me either.
"I'm not."
He scoffs rolling his eyes trying to remain calm with me.
"I know you Cortez. I know everything about you. I know when you're lying, I know when you're hiding something. And I know that right now you're lying to everybody, you might even be lying to yourself."
I hated myself for tearing up because I didn't want to cry today. I had made myself promise I wouldn't. Of course it ended up being Jayden's harshly truthful words making me tear up as opposed to my close friend's dead body.
"I'm not."
"Really?"
And I knew he wasn't going to speak until I admitted to it. I finally meet his eyes and vow the same silence as him. He shakes his head frustrated now more than ever.
"You either feel too much or you don't feel at all."
"FINE. But only because it's much easier to pretend not to care."
"The right way isn't always the easier one."
I scoff throwing my hands up immaturely, "Alright, thanks dad." He rolls his eyes clearly searching for the right words to say.
"Your problem is you let your emotions take over you."
"Stop diagnosing me. I'm fine. My friend died, I'm allowed to feel sad."
"You're not just feeling sad Cortez you're doing a bunch of shit to keep yourself from being sad. Stuff that's making everyone worry about you."
I didn't know why I was vehemently pissed and hurt all at once. Thunder sounded in the same second my heart sped up.
"I—"
"Listen. You don't want to hear it but I'm tired of beating around the bush with you. You need to forgive yourself." He takes a step towards me and I stumble a step back.
I couldn't tell if I was offended or not. What do mean forgive myself?
"You know I'm right."
"Pause. I don't—" Thunder rang through loudly making me cringe.
"No. You don't get to keep saying you don't want to talk about it."
"With age more shit keeps happening, more baggage keeps piling on and I'm sick of it!"
"That's what life is."
I swivel around trying to speed away and gain some distance. My head was complete chaos, I didn't know what I was feeling or why. His words were evoking feelings that I didn't understand and almost couldn't bear.
I stop in my tracks as I reach the outskirts of the backyard and the pale body I was trying to avoid, lying stiff in a beautiful white wood casket looking more caked than I expected, came into view. Her hair was in a nice up-do, a look I was certain her mother chose since she didn't know her daughter at all. If she did, she would have known that Lucinda hated having her hair up, she said it gave her headaches.
"No.... no..." I didn't want to look at her, my chest felt extremely heavy, but I couldn't look away. Tears fell and I knew Jayden was right about everything. I was sensitive, and dramatic, and I didn't know how to cope with my feelings, and overall— I was just a mess. But that didn't matter right now. Right now, all I could do was stand paralyzed and stare at my limp friend, and cry.
I wrapped my arms tightly around my torso to hold myself together, and as burning tears rolled down my face droplets began to fall from the sky. I was thankful for the fact that it washed away the evidence of my pain, but more grateful for the fact that Lucinda was protected by a cover, which in retrospect is ten times more relevant than my tears.
I started to back away feeling like I was suffocating. The rain wasn't doing much other than cooling my face and ruining the bit of makeup I had on. I hated feeling like I had no control over myself and my emotions, and lately that was constant and overwhelming.
It only took a few moments before he was by my side.
"What's wrong with you Cortez?" He was genuinely concerned and honestly, I wanted to know too.
"I wasn't there for her!" I freaked out and I didn't mean to freak out, but I did. I couldn't hold it in any longer.
"She needed me. She needed me like I needed someone when I was getting tortured and... I failed her. "
"Well it happened. That's it. You can't change the past."
It was a stab to the chest and I knew he was right which only made the wound burn more.
"Can you be there for me?"
I didn't understand what he was asking.
"...what?"
His hands were now holding my face gently and he was staring into my eyes intensely demanding my attention.
"I need you. I need you to take care of yourself and be here for me. I love you."
The rain was now beating down on us but we completely ignored it as our eyes were trained on each other, and they weren't budging. I felt the world finally freeze for a few seconds and it was like I couldn't breathe but for a different reason this time. Did those words really come out of his mouth? He loved me? Me?
It was like my heart stopped and it was refusing to start again until my brain could fully comprehend what was going on.
Abuse made me constantly look over my shoulder and incessantly look at my body, it also made me consistently second guess every person I met and their intentions. Believing someone's benevolence was a nearly impossible task and committing to someone took an abundance of work in the beginning as well. I wasn't good with change and feelings, and consistency was necessary for my peace of mind.
"No, you can't say that. You can't think like that. Things can't change."
The more things change, the more people I lose and the harder it becomes to navigate through the ocean of confusion. I've learned a copious amount through the people I've met and the things I've finally done, I have come out of my shell and truly started to find myself despite the traumatic obstacles I keep enduring, I'm constantly growing. But that didn't mean I wasn't still terrified of the future.
He loves me? He can't love me. Do I even fully love me?
"You can't tell me what to feel Cortez."
I had tears streaming down my face and I felt ridiculous because I couldn't get them to stop.
"I don't want to lose you."
"You won't lose me. This isn't you losing me. This is me giving us ten more feet or whatever."
"That's just a stupid saying!"
"Well I'm saying it so deal with it."
He held my face and his gaze burned through my eyes into my soul, and he didn't let me go, "I love you dork." It seemed as though nothing was right in my world, but even so, hearing those words somehow convinced me that maybe they could be again. With tears still on my cheeks I laughed lightly and wiped my face using the back of my hand, "I love you too."
And I meant it. Because once everything changed, despite having self deprecating moments and times of doubting my own self worth, I was always certain of one thing, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I loved this idiot. Before I even knew how to love properly.
—————
"Why'd they make her look like that?" I choked in a whisper, "Like what?" He moves the hair out of my eyes and I pull his arms so I could hug him and hide my face in his chest.
Everything still felt frozen in time, but it was the eerie calm after the storm. Silence— and all that was heard was wind blowing unless you focused. Near the tables, there was the sound of adults chattering, speaking of nothing too cheery out of respect. The few teenagers that came appeared uncomfortable and distracted, but I somehow felt like I was floating above it all. I felt nothing, but not in a bad way anymore.
"Like the opposite of her." He closes his hold on me, tightening his grip comfortingly, and it was the first moment in a while I finally felt a little sane again. "All dead people look like that."
I was glad my eyes were off her, there wasn't much more crying I could handle.
"I didn't know she meant this much to me." Lucinda's existence really sent me on a roller coaster, from start to finish. "I think it was more— what she represented." And we left it at that.
"You know this means you're stuck now right? Like there's no escaping me." He chuckles wildly, burying his head in my hair making me laugh softly along with him.
"That's fine with me Cortez, that's fine with me."