"We never realize how frozen we are, until someone starts to melt our ice"
Arabella Karve
Tara loved Halloween.
And this is her first Halloween not here anymore. My first October without her.
I tie my hair back in a low, messy bun, while loosely curling my face framing pieces.
I pull on my tight, long sleeved black shirt and tan, plaid casual skirt. I pair it with my black tights and black, ankle high platform boots.
As I get dressed, all I can manage to think about is the fact that, he may be back.
Not a lot of things scare me in this world. But he does.
Or maybe it was a different enemy of my father trying to take the mafia heir in order to use against my family.
Last night I couldn't even manage to pull myself out of my bed. I fell back into my pit of fucking fear. I hate that I do that.
Panic attack, break down, unmoving.
My old therapist told me that the reason I do this pattern whenever I am scared, is that it is a panic response, like my fight or flight, but instead I just shut down. She said that I need to try and use tricks to overcome it, because it's going to slowly tear me apart if I panic the way I do, and then don't move or speak for days. I'm breaking myself.
I stand in front of my door and take an unsteady breath.
Tara would want me to be happy. Even if I got her killed.
**********************
"Why the fuck am I out here Bella?"
I squat down and roll over another one of the large, orange pumpkins, only to be met with another flat and mushy side. Gnarly.
"Because it's October and I like carving fucking pumpkins. Now if your done with your temper tantrum, I would like to keep moving" I say snappily, as I stand back up and look at the rest of the flourishing pumpkin patch.
Eros just scoffs. "I told you I didn't want to fucking come out here" He says angrily, while stepping smoothly over another pumpkin.
"Then maybe you should have read the family handbook before you signed up to be my bodyguard" I say sarcastically while rolling my eyes.
"Trust me, I have fucking regrets"
"Me too, I should've ran faster" I say, referring to the many times I tried to escape from my purgatory of a life.
I should've ran faster.
"It doesn't matter how fast you run tesoro, I'll always catch you" Eros's deep Italian voice grumbles from behind me.
I raise my middle finger up in the air while rolling my eyes.
I continue slowly walking down the dead field, that has vines and pumpkins covering the entirety of the dry ground.
"Have you never been to a Pumpkin patch?" I ask as I manage to roll over another pumpkin, and am immediately disappointed.
"No. I don't celebrate fucking holidays" Eros says as he makes a disgusted face at a rotting pumpkin.
"That's depressing"
"It fucking stupid. My parents did not raise me to enjoy that type of shit."
"My family never celebrated, I just have made my own traditions" I say with a proud smile.
"to do by...yourself?" Eros says slowly while raising an eyebrow, as if I am not making any sense.
My family always told me that we are above celebrating traditional holidays. So as a child, Christmas, Halloween, and all the others holidays where just another day of sitting in my room by myself.
I often think about one particular Christmas, it's the one I still think about at night when I can't fall asleep, because deep down I still feel the pain I felt that day. When I was seven, my grandmother ended up leaving out of town for the week. That week my parents didn't allow me to come out of my room, which happened to be an often occurrence when I was young, since grandma was the only one who truly enjoyed me.
My parents had an extravagant Christmas party that year with many friends from the business. I had never been so excited for Christmas because it was the first time I was ever going to celebrate it. I sometimes still hear the sound of my bedroom door looking from the outside and hearing my mother's laugh echo through my door as I ran and banged on it, dressed in my plaid holiday Christmas dress with my red polkadot tights.
The entire night I sat in my dark, and silent room with my ear pressed to the door, so that I could listen to the muffled sound of people laughing and lighthearted music playing. I still remember the cold, numb feeling of tears rolling down my young, pale cheeks as I curled up and listened to the sound of a happiness that I wasn't allowed to experience.
The pain and agony that wracked my heart made me feel as if I wasn't going to live past that night.
Later that night after I had fallen asleep on the cold floor, one of my parents assistants came up to my room to make sure I was okay. I remember springing up tiredly from the floor, and feeling my heart thump in my chest as I ran to my toy box in a disoriented and dizzy state of my mind. Even at such a young age, I remember the depressing darkness wracking my body as I pulled out the small Christmas card I had spent hours making for my parents with bright markers and stickers.
I still feel the pain I felt when I gave it to the assistant and he looked down at me with sympathy dancing in his eyes. "Honey, you know they don't want that"
"Are you sure Christmas is over?" My small voice said as tears started welling in my swollen eyes. "Because I could go give it to my mommy and daddy and have Christmas" I said with a meek, wavering voice.
"Go to bed honey, Christmas is over"
"I suppose it's better then not doing anything" I say as I use my foot to roll over another pumpkin and shake away the bad memory.
"Oh look at this one!" I say excitedly as I display the hearty, vibrant pumpkin that had only a slightly flat side.
"It looks like every other one we've passed" Eros mutters.
"Oh shove it" I go to pull out my dagger, that is usually strapped to my thigh, in order to cut the vine my pumpkin is attached to. But as I reach for it, I realize that it is sitting on my nightstand. Fuck my life.
"So... I forgot my dagger" I say while flashing Eros a sheepish grin.
"Goddammit Bella. If you should've learned anything the other day, it should be to always be fucking prepared." Eros grumbles bitterly as he begins to pull out his pocket knife.
I probably should have remembered it, I've gotten this lecture many times before from him.
Eros squats down next to the pumpkin while glaring up at me, visibly annoyed.
"Don't burst a blood vessel" I mutter under my breath.
"Hm?" Eros hums deeply as he begins penetrating through the vine.
"Nothing"
I stare at him with my arms crossed as I watch his sculpted muscles move attractively against his black turtleneck.
Oh.
"and that one" I say as I point to the oval pumpkin next to mine.
"For what fucking reason would you need two Bella?" Eros says while looking up at me with a pissed of expression.
"Incase I mess up the first one" I say with a small smile as I shrug my shoulders.
Eros just continues grumbling under his breath as he carves into the second vine.
Eros gets both of the pumpkins loose, and I smile happily as scoops up both of the pumpkins with ease.
"What a sweetheart you are" I say with a grin while looking at Eros.
Eros shakes his head and immediately turns around to start walking back to our car.
I begin to follow him before a small treat stand on the side of the pumpkin patch, draws my attention. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in-
I then notice a small, wood sign that is placed next to the stand has Apple pie wrote upon it... and I am immediately fold.
I fucking love apple pie.
I walk over to the stand with a entranced grin as I view all of the delicious looking foods.
"Hi" I say with a polite smile "may I have one apple pie"
"Whatever" The guy behind the counter says with boredom dripping in his voice.
"Thanks" I say with an awkward, tight lipped smile.
The man turns around and picks up one of the apple pies, that are placed in a small, cardboard container.
He places it down harshly in front of me while taking a deep breath as if I am being an inconvenience.
"Don't act too happy" I mumble sarcastically.
"Five pounds" The man says while glaring at me.
"Okay" I say while pursuing my lips.
I reach down for my purse, and begin fumbling through it, trying to find my card. "Hurry it up" The man says in a rude tone.
I am about to pull out my card, but before I am able, I am cut off when I see a veiny hand roughly place their credit card on the card reader.
I look up to see Eros glaring menacingly at the guy as it scans his card. Without saying anything he pulls his card off and smoothly slides it back in his pocket, not taking his icy eyes, that have a threat lurking in them, off of the, now, nervous looking guy.
"Can we go now?" Eros grumbles as he slowly moves his eyes away from the guy and stares down at me.
"I-, yeah" I say shocked as I pick up my apple pie. I look down at it and immediately smile blissfully, seeing the pleasing cross pattern.
As we walk to the car I glance towards Eros trying to decide what was going on inside of his messy head.
A small smile threatens to break out across my face, while thinking about the small, kind action.
"Thank you Ero-"
"Don't fucking thank me"
***********************
I groan loudly as I roughly place the pumpkin onto my bedroom floor and immediately stretch my back. That shit is fucking heavy.
Eros follows me into my room and effortlessly sets my second pumpkin down next to me.
I grab the knifes and other supplies for carving, that I had snagged from the kitchen and proudly put them on the ground.
I sit down crossed leg in front of my pumpkin and gaze up at Eros, who is leaning against my doorframe, with his arms crossed over his sculpted chest.
"Would you like to join me or just stay and observe?" I say while tilting my head and flashing him a small grin.
"Carve pumpkins?" Eros says bitterly.
"No actually I was talking about wiping my ass" I say sarcastically, with a snarky glare.
"I don't want to carve a fucking pumpkin"
Please don't make me do it alone.
"But I forgot I am perfect and never mess up, so now there will be just a lonely extra pumpkin." I say while making a pouty face and tilting my head.
"I have better fucking things to do"
"Ah I am sure sitting in your room like the crypt keeper calls for your immediate attention"
"maledetto moccioso" he grumbles in response.
"Unless that means 'your so right' I don't want to fucking hear it"
Eros just rolls his eyes at me while leisurely pushing his muscular body off the doorway, and slowly walking towards me.
"Oh look at that" I say proudly as he reluctantly sits down across from me, with a dark demeanor.
I take the second pumpkin and softly place it in front of him. I grin up at him while he just glares back.
"Oh don't be a baby."
I pick up one of the large knifes from beside me, and immediately start trying to carve the top of the pumpkin off.
"Your fucking butchering it" Eros says while he picks up one of the knifes with an irritated scowl plastered across his face. He slowly carves around the center of the pumpkin, creating a perfect centered hole.
"I think I want a black cat" I randomly say. I grimace as I begin scooping out the sticky pumpkin seeds.
"Mhm. Just what you need" Eros mummers sarcastically, in a monotone voice.
"It would be nice to have a companion, not that you aren't wonderful" I say with a slight grin.
"You don't need a fucking cat when you can barley take care of yourself"
"Oh hush princess. I would be a wonderful cat mother"
"No you fucking wouldn't"
"No you fucking wouldn't" I mimic in a high pitched voice under my voice.
I glance up towards Eros only to see him glaring straight at me, making me feel like an idiot.
"Your a fucking child"
"You seem to be suffering from the delusion that I give a rats ass about anything you say" I say while grabbing my apple pie from beside me along with a fork.
I immediately open it, and stick my fork into it. I sigh in delight as the sweet flavor hits my tongue.
I glance up towards Eros only to see him shaking his head with an empty expression.
"I would offer to give you some, but I am still mad at you after you called the strawberry cake disgusting" I say while shrugging my shoulders and taking another bite.
"I don't even fucking remember that"
"Do you listen to anything I say?"
"I block out most of it"
"Wow you really know how to make a girls day" I say sarcastically while narrowing my eyes at him.
I watch as Eros's lips slightly begin to tug upwards, before he glosses over his face with a look of nothingness.
"Did you like the red roses the Russian got for you the other day?" Eros suddenly asks in a cold tone a few minutes later, with a hint of irritation dripping in his words.
"He has a name, asshole. And yes, I loved them" I lie while continuing to carve my pumpkin while not daring to make eye contact with Eros.
"Your lying" Eros says, accurately accusing me.
Damn it.
"No I'm not" I say defensively with a scoff.
"You don't even like that fucking color of roses."
"I was thankful for them nonetheless."
"I didn't ask if you were thankful for them, I was asking if you fucking liked them."
"I just don't like red roses" I mumble quickly as I continue carving.
"Well you should probably update your fucking boyfriend"
"Eros, stop being a dick"
***********************
After almost thirty minutes, of me talking, Eros scoffing, and pumpkin carving, we finally finish our pumpkins.
The setting light softly shines through the vintage window, as I grunt loudly and pick up my perky pumpkin.
I stand next to Eros who is facing the window, where the sun is softly setting and many birds fly perfectly into the distance.
I inhale softly while enjoying the magical view, and the comforting scent wafting off of Eros, which I can't explain.
"Are you still in touch with your family?" I ask softly, trying to understand him and his life better.
I suddenly feel Eros go stiff next to me.
I slowly look up at him while tucking a piece of my long hair behind my ear.
"You don't have to answer Eros I am just trying to-"
"They are dead" Is all he says, his face showing no emotion, as his dead eyes look like he is reliving his mental purgatory over again.
"I am sorry" I say sincerely as guilt wraps around me for asking the question.
Hate begins to pour in his eyes, and after a moment I realize that for the first time it is not aimed at me.
"I prefer it that way."
**********************
Ahhh thank you for all of the votes!! <3333 (it really makes my day:D)
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED! Sorry I haven't posted in a while I have been in kind of a slump:(
Please leave comments on what you are thinking!!! They are appreciated greatly!!
Word count: 2752