TITLE: Dear Myrtle Cove
AUTHOR:
GENRE: Romance
CHAPTERS I'VE READ: Two
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This review details my opinion. At the end of the day, this is your story, and you know it better than anyone. My opinion is merely that, and it is subjective. I perceived it a certain way and you do not have to agree, since it mostly comes down to my preferences.
Plot + World
The plot follows Lainey, a headstrong woman who has been through a lot of awful experiences. She works at a diner, and cares for her mother. When her brother returns to her life and she meets King, her childhood friend, it seems like her past comes back to the surface, perhaps forcing her to make peace with it, or perhaps to allow her to forge a new path. Either way, I think this is a very solid concept, and I could tell a lot of work had gone into it, as every scene seems to be planned out to flow into the next, and there's a lot of major and minor details given to the reader about the characters, like Lainey's brother and the surrounding cast, as well as the setting, too. I think what hindered my reading experience the most was that a lot of the characters mentioned early on seem to not be relevant yet, except for Lainey, King, Lincoln, Declan, and Lainey's mother. Everyone else could probably come up later if they play a role in the plot; they seem to be mostly side characters, diner employees, or Lainey's other family members, who could probably be explained later. I felt like there were too many names, leading to some confusion. Ideally, as writers, we want to introduce only the characters of immediate importance in chapter one, and usually not more than a few at a time, because a reader will lose track pretty quickly. Since Lincoln does appear in chapter two, mentions of him are good to establish that he's important so that when he does show up, we know who he is. However, I don't think you need to tell us the names of the diner's employees just yet, so the reader's focus is kept on the characters who we absolutely need to remember as we continue, and the rest can be introduced properly later once they become more important. In general, I liked the way Lainey's normal life is introduced before she meets King, so that we get to see how she thinks and we understand her more.
As for the setting, most of what I read takes place in the diner, but there are a few details given to us here and there to help place us in your world, and I liked these a lot! I think the integration of setting details is something you're doing well, and this is really clear in the first few paragraphs of the first chapter: the setting is given to us, followed by what's important to Lainey (her missed phone calls), that serve to hook us as your readers. I think this is something you could use as a basis for including the backstory too, by moving it slowly throughout the story, and giving us the important scenes by having Lainey mention them first, while not immediately telling us what they mean. This way, a reader asks themselves why, wanting to know more.
Characters
Lainey: Lainey is clearly a character who has had to be strong through a lot of her life, and someone who has also dealt with a lot of trauma. Her narration comes off as a woman who's in self-preservation mode, and maybe she's even blocked out some of her past experiences, like how she doesn't remember King at first, in order to get by. I appreciated these details, and I think they're really important. I get a good sense of Lainey's character voice, especially when she discusses how she felt accepted by men/boys in the past. That moment felt like, to me, a central axis of her character: she craves acceptance, and yet she's afraid of it because of her past. It's very clear to me that as a writer, your idea of Lainey is developed, and everything about her past has been fleshed out. I did find some of this information a bit too much for the initial first chapters, so while I understand and acknowledge that these details are important to know her character's current state, (and I don't think you should do away with them), I think they'd be better off scattered throughout the story then given to the reader all at once. The information comes too quickly to truly process, and I think it's not doing Lainey justice right now, because the backstory is detailed between moments where I was trying to follow the narrative, and it felt like I had to backtrack and reread sections, losing the impact of the flashbacks and her recollections of her ex. Otherwise, I think her arc is set up to be very clear, and I feel for her as a character quite a bit.
General Thoughts I Had While Reading
Chapter One:
I wonder why Jake is so late.
Ooh, thirteen calls? Someone is in big trouble!
Are Jack and Jackie related? Their names are so similar!
So, I liked the beginning backstory paragraphs! I do think there's a bit too much from the start though. I think the paragraph ending on "but there was good. Sometimes." Is enough, and what comes afterward feels like too much to know from chapter one.
Who is Carol? I think there are a lot of names and people: Jack, Jackie, Lainey's mother and father, Lincoln, and Carol. It's kind of difficult to keep track of so early on in the story. I'd suggest taking out the ones that aren't totally necessary at this stage.
"It's embedded in my mind like a name is for a gravestone" - good line!
At this stage, I think I am lost in the backstory and information being provided all at once. I don't feel as though all of it is necessary, and it breaks the flow of the conversation. I had to scroll back to remember what Jackie was saying before the backstory was given, so that I could follow what was happening in Lainey's current situation while trying to understand her backstory too. I think all of this information is important, story-wise, but not necessary at this point. A good way to build suspense is by hinting at backstory and detailing it gradually so that a reader's interest is focused on figuring out what happened to Lainey. Then, we read on because we want to know more.
For example, when she mentions her injury: I think this is a good detail, though one that is explained a bit too much, and with a lot of information that isn't ultimately needed for chapter one. One way to hint at this is to have Lainey show that she's in pain while she works (say, she breaks a glass and needs to pick it up, and her hip flares, for example). The narration can then explain that her pain was caused by an injury, but it doesn't need to tell us yet that she had to take out loans and get a lawyer. Those are details that can come afterward, once the tension has been established, so that a reader continues onward because they want to find out what happened.
Chapter Two:
"verdant tendrils" - that's good stuff!
I am a bit confused why this chapter begins with the description of her apartment when Lainey is still in the diner. The beginning makes it sound as though she'd gone home. It's a wonderful description, though I wonder if it would be better integrated elsewhere. Perhaps later in the chapter, once she heads home?
There's some great information given to us when Lainey says offhandedly what the mystery man's eyes remind her of. It's a good way to give readers backstory without being overt. This is something I think the first chapter could utilize as well. It's just enough detail that a reader understands it, and it paints a nice picture.
Oh, I like the relationship between Lainey and her brother. Lainey needs someone on her side, I think, and I always like when siblings can get along in a story. It's nice that she feels like her grudge doesn't matter, as long as he's there. That's a good character moment between them.
I find it interesting that Lainey thinks she isn't seen as weak because boys allowed her to be with them. I wonder, is her confidence coming from being perceived as one of the guys? What happened to her was awful, but I have to wonder if she's seeking out that validation from the men in her life because of it. It's very realistic, and having her POV really helps understand that viewpoint.
I really feel for Lainey. She's been through so much.
An aside, and perhaps a question that will be addressed later: the first chapter mentions her mother calling her multiple times, and then that topic doesn't really come up again here. Is Lainey still getting calls? Has her mother texted, too? If these get answered in the following chapters, then that's fine, but I was wondering what happened to this since it hadn't come up again.
Other Thoughts For Your Consideration
These are suggestions for grammar/phrasing/other tidbits that I picked up on, not related to the story itself.
Chapter One:
Your first line is solid, though not super hooking. You establish the scene right from the beginning, which is a good thing! I think the hook here could be a bit stronger, however.
A lot of advice on traditional publishing tells authors to start with a bang. By doing so, you establish a character voice, and you pull readers in so that they can ask questions. I think this opening does make me ask questions (who is Jake? Why didn't he show up?) but it could be stronger. I think part of the reason why I feel like this is because the opening begins with I am just now getting off my shift, and while that explains to the reader what's happening, it does so in a fairly straightforward way. The use of I am doesn't have too much voice, and it sounds a bit too formal for a story; I'd prefer using I'm instead, as it flows more naturally.
I would suggest here, in order to make this opening stronger, to switch out I am for a stronger voice, something that gets the same idea across while also telling us the same information. Why not have Lainey eyeing the clock, despairing that Jake was supposed to show up? Or, the opening could show us that she collapses in her favourite diner chair, after a long day of standing. What I'm saying here is that I see what the idea here is, but I think the line could become more of a hook if it showed us just how exhausted and fed up Lainey is. I think the second half of this sentence (that Jake was supposed to have covered four hours ago) is great! I would keep that part, and try to restructure the first half of it so that you get that same sarcastic, annoyed tone that the second half conveys, and you also show us Lainey's actions or thoughts that help us understand her emotions.
A lot of the lines in this beginning paragraph start with I. I am just now... I've been here... I am so...
In this case, I would suggest switching some of them out so that it doesn't feel repetitive. In first person narration, this is an easy trap to fall into, but the fix is also pretty easy too. In order to swap out the I with another subject, the sentence structures just need to be swapped a little, so that it varies:
I am just now getting off my shift that Jake was supposed to have covered four hours ago. Since ten in the morning, I've been here, and now it's coming up on six. I am so exhausted; like a zombie who has come back from the dead. My first meal of the day is a burger, fries, and a vanilla milkshake. I really should consider it dinner.
Here, I've eliminated the I every time I found it was possible to do so without losing the idea of the sentence. I also removed "I feel" since I think that is more telling than showing, and the zombie sentence stands well on its own without it. The same thing is true for "I finally decide" since we can infer the POV character is deciding what she wants to eat herself.
In the sentence, I hear the bell... the same thing from my previous point is true: we can infer the POV character hears the bell since she is the perspective through which the story is told. Trust your readers!
More of a technical suggestion: I would suggest splitting the chapter when the flashback starts. The bold is a bit too distracting and difficult to read, and because there's a paragraph break explaining that this scene occurred four years ago, I don't think you also need the bolded text. I would consider ending the chapter and starting a new one for the flashback, that way you don't need the bolded format, and the scene doesn't feel interrupted by the flashback. Right now, it's quite long, and it breaks up the flow quite a bit.
If you wanted to end the chapter the same way (which I think you should, since the final line is very strong!) consider maybe briefly hinting at this flashback, then returning to detail it further at a later point in the story. That way, you keep that strong ending line, while pushing readers forward to find out why Lainey's ex was so awful.
Dialogue tags:
In the sentence, "I was just joking," Declan starts laughing manically, the comma before the dialogue ends should be a period.
The reason for this is because an action, such as laughing, begins a new sentence. Actions explain what the character is doing, instead of how the words are spoken. Dialogue tags, such as says, replies, etc., take commas as they continue the sentence and explain how the words are spoken. So, in the example given above -> "I was just joking." Declan starts laughing manically.
In the case of the line a bit further down, "What happened to me?" He yells, and his face is red, the H should be lowercase for the same reason. 'He yells' is the dialogue tag, and since yelling describes the way Declan is speaking his words, it continues the sentence. So, this sentence becomes -> "What happened to me?" he yells, and his face is red.
Chapter Two:
In the first paragraph, the flow of the sentences is great. However, some of the thoughts seem like they should be restructured a little.
Lainey mentions her favourite colour before the description of her room, so that sentence seems out of place until a reader continues further, which then explains why that sentence is there. At the end of the paragraph, Lainey says a voice asks her a question, followed by a sentence describing the noise in the diner. So when the voice speaks, it seems to break the flow, since the description explaining the speaker is sort of hidden in the information given during that paragraph.
Here's how I would restructure this a little:
My apartment is my sanctuary and gives off the perfect vibe of twilight. Plant accents adorn the living room, their verdant tendrils cascading down from glass vases. Potted plants hang from one area where my bookshelf sits in a nestled corner, home to all of my favourite dark romances. Green is my favourite colour. [...] My mind has completely shut off the thoughts of Mom and Declan. The diner is loud and busier than normal tonight. I grab my...
This way, the idea of her apartment being full of green plants comes before the thought about her favourite colour. As well, later in the paragraph, the idea that someone is speaking is established last, so that when the dialogue begins, it flows a little bit more.
Minor tidbits on this paragraph -> I think you could do with taking out the down after cascading. A lot of the time, words like up and down are implied, as we can mostly assume the leaves are angled towards the floor rather than the ceiling. I also think the potted plant sentence could be reworded a bit to save you a few words: Potted plants hang from the nestled corner where my bookcase sits, home to...
The reason I took out "one area" is because I don't think it's ultimately necessary to understand the rest of the sentence, and clutters its meaning just a little.
Structure:
There are some moments in the middle of this chapter where I was confused about who was the speaker. There's a mixture of descriptions and character speech that seems to blend together, making it hard to tell who is saying what.
For example: "Well damn, Lainey, color me curious." I let out a soft gasp [...]
This speech connects to the man, and not Lainey. Her thoughts are, however, written in the same paragraph. Generally, there should be a new paragraph with every change in focus, especially when the speaker switches. Sometimes, it can be easier to think of this in the sense that a new paragraph begins every time the "camera" would move, if this scene were a movie.
So, the spacing would separate the character speaking from the different POV character (Lainey) whose thoughts shift the "camera" focus:
"Well damn, Lainey, color me curious."
I let out a soft gasp at the sound of his voice [...]
This happens quite a bit during the midpoint of this chapter, where it becomes easy to get lost during the exchange of dialogue between Lainey and King. I would suggest doing a quick pass over to make sure that every time the speaker and the description occur both in the same paragraph that it matches who is speaking.
Semicolons - You use these properly, though a bit too much. I think a lot of them could be replaced for periods. I noticed quite a few in chapter one and two, and while I appreciate that the sentence structures have variations, I would suggest removing a few of them so that they are used a bit more sparingly.
Prologues:
I must confess that I'm a reader who skips prologues usually. This is just a personal preference on my part. However, I think the fact that this story has two prologues, each one from a different POV, and the fact that I understood the story perfectly without the information given in the prologue, that they aren't totally necessary, story-wise. I think the first two chapters do a good job of hinting that Lainey's mother is abusive, and when she recognizes King in the second chapter, mentioning the kiss between them only briefly, that was a good moment for hooking a reader's interest.
Even in traditionally published novels, there's some debate over the necessity of prologues. In the story you've written currently, I don't think you need them. This information is conveyed well by going straight to chapter one, and anything about the mother-daughter relationship can come afterward. Of course, that's something I understand is very, very subjective, but I just wanted to say that you could easily weave the information given during the two prologues elsewhere, and it wouldn't hinder the story much. In fact, I think my experience, not knowing who King was, and not knowing just how awful Lainey's relationship with her mother was kept me reading, because I wanted to find out more. The narration and detail in chapters one and two is just enough that I understood, while making me ask questions: What happened between King and Lainey? Why is Lainey caring for her mother like she is, and how did that come about? Questions like these are what helps a reader's curiosity, and the slow revealing of details didn't confuse me, even though I hadn't read the prologues.
Concluding Thoughts
This is a story that deals with very heavy and important subjects. I appreciated the level of care you have taken to understand Lainey and show us who she is. I think a lot of my current suggestions are mostly based on slowing down the amount of backstory, perhaps lowering the amount of characters introduced in chapter one, and focusing on making sure your dialogue is comprehensive and easy to follow. I also think it might be worthwhile to check for these minor issues with dialogue tagging. As well, sometimes the narration had a bit of repetition and filtering language. The flow of paragraphs sometimes needed to be shifted a little bit along with the placement of certain scenes, such as the flashback in the first chapter, that I feel could be its own chapter by itself. I personally don't think you need two prologues, but this is something I understand is more subjective. You do a great job of beginning and ending chapters at a good time that pushed me to continue forward. As well, your writing style flows very well from scene to scene, and you do a good job of showing us Lainey's character.
I hope my thoughts are (somewhat) helpful to you.
Let me know what you think (: