"W-what do you mean you love me...?" Hanni was lost for words as she still couldn't process everything's that happening. Everything's happening so fast with her emotions were all over the place. "...I don't understand."
Upon realizing that everything's too late and the truth had been spilled, you could only look away from her as you're swallowing the tears in that's been choking you in the throat. "Forget what I said. It's not true." You tried to sound nonchalant and unbothered but the ever inclining heartbeat in your chest made you feel otherwise.
"No... No you're lying... I know what I heard..." Hanni closed the gap between you while your eyes remained away from her gaze. "Yongjae..." Hanni grabbed onto your arms as she turned you gently to face her. "...say it to me. Say it back. Why you didn't tell me...?" Her voice came as a longing whisper as you're breathing became shaky. "Hanni you shouldn't be doing this..." You forcedly unwantedly pushed her hands that's grabbing your arms slowly.
"You said you love me. On God I heard you loud and clear." Hanni trying to resist you pushing her hands by tightening her grips but failed in the end. "You don't have to believe that. That was a lie Hanni and you shouldn't be here..." You took a few steps back as the longer you're lingering there, the more you heart will force you to abandon everything and hug her.
"Why are you trying to push me away...?" She asked as she slowly calming herself down but she knew what you said, loud and clear she heard it. "...how long have you been suffering because of me." Hanni whispered, heart's too tired to even take a step towards you but she managed to. "...Yongjae, I want to tell you something too..." You saw her hand trying to reach out to you before you shook your head and took another step back.
"I can't have this conversation with you. I'm sorry. Please go..." You cried out as immediately you walked back to your house, not even daring to look back as Hanni was trying to stop you but somehow she felt too weak that she had to kneel down, leaning back against the door to her car.
Hanni could only covered her lips with her palm as the toll on her mind got the worst out of her, making her crying silently in regrets, guilt, feeling stupid at herself and instantly blaming everything on her. The burden's too heavy for her to bear. She had to gather enough strength, just enough for her to get into her car and unwantedly had to drive away from your house.
As you watched her car drove away from the curtains, your legs couldn't handle the weight of everything before you sat down to the floor, breathing remained shaky and it didn't take long before your parents walked in on you and quickly got you off the floor and sat you down on your bed.
"You told her didn't you?" Was your mother's question, serious yet ever so calm in her tone. "It's too late. Nothing will change even if I tell her everything..." You whispered. "...I just had to let it out or else I'm not going to have peace again."
"Not this way you will." Your father countered. "Pushing her away from your life will not be bringing you peace that you're looking for. Trying to betray the feelings you have for her won't give you the peace you wanted." You're too tired, your heart felt so weak, your eyes were sick of drowning tears yet you're crying again.
"I always hoped she'd see me the way I see her. I always looked for signs in her words, gestures, hoping that they meant more..." Your head dropped down and your tears dropping endlessly on the floor below. "...I always thought maybe, just maybe, she'd start to feel the same way and I held onto the smallest acts of kindness from her, letting them fuel my hope. I'm so stupid..."
"We're not blaming you for everything that happened. Not anyone is able to take the greatest risk involving their feelings and that's okay. The heart surely is a unique part of us humans." Your mother gently patting your back as she's sitting next to you. "Take your time and when you're ready, talk things out with Hanni. Nobody's at fault here, not Hanni and not you. Don't let the memories you and her shared throughout your childhoods up till you now reached adulthoods be forgotten that easily."
"...Maybe you did nothing to deserve this, maybe you won't find a reason this time, maybe you were always enough for her and still are. Sometimes life can be cruel..." Your mother caressing the back of your head, trying to calm you down. "...even to the kindest heart and the softest soul on this earth..."
"If you can't find a reason for your pain right now, at least have trust that better things are on their way to you. Beautiful things are coming..." In your mother's embrace, you broke down again. "...please keep your heart open to Hanni, and above all, please believe that you are worthy of her. No more, no less."
At the other side, Hanni was trying her hardest to calm herself from crying and sobbing endlessly while her shaky hands trying hard to steer her car safely back to her house. Didn't even park her car properly, Hanni felt too broken down and disappointed too much of herself as she immediately walked inside her home.
As she made her way upstairs, just wanting to lock herself in her room, her mother coincidentally walked out from their bedroom and saw Hanni's who just arrived upstairs. "Why are you crying? What happened?" Her mother immediately got over to her, obviously worried as Hanni could only shake her head.
"What did he do to you?" Her mother asked again, cupping her cheeks gently with Hanni shaking her head again. "Nothing mom, I'm okay... Please don't tell dad about this.. I'm sorry." Hanni then forced her way into her room before locking herself in.
She was too tired, too weak as your images floating rapidly inside her mind, burdening her already heavy shoulders to the point where she just kneeled herself on the floor, back leaning against the door and trying her hardest in silencing her cry by covering her lips with her palm.
"I'm sorry... Yongjae I'm sorry..." She whispered in her heart wrapped in fatigue.
Sitting on her bed, knees curled up, arms hugging her knees with her back resting back against the headboard, Hanni's been locking herself in her room ever since she came back from your house yesterday.
Today, the sun was already set down the horizon and night time filled the emptiness in her room. Hanni didn't even want to go out today and cancelling everything she and Jun had planned for today.
As she's spacing out, someone knocked on her door as Hanni's mother came in with tray of her favourite home dish. "Mommy made you your favourite kimchi tofu stew..." Her mother placed the tray onto her table before she went over and sat down next to her daughter.
"Can you tell me what happened my Hanni bunny?" Her mother held onto Hanni's hand gently as Hanni's expressionless self just shook her head slightly. "I'm okay mommy." Was her only response.
"You could've give a better reason you know..." Her mother gently pulled her daughter closer as Hanni immediately got into her mother's embrace. "...you know mommy always listen to all your problems right? So can I hear this one too?"
Hanni remained silent for a short while as a light sigh escaped her mouth. "I'm such a fool..." Hanni whispered as her mother was caressing her hair gently. "...how could I not noticed it sooner."
"Maybe you are..." Her mother's response made her glanced up to her mother with a pout but her mother's smile widened in a gentle manner. "...that's proof that you're a human being. An imperfect human being just like the rest of us."
"I want to see him mommy... I want to see Yongjae, I want to talk to him..." Hanni let out a few sniffs as she tightened the hug around her mother. "...but I'm scared that it'll only make things worse than it already was..."
"I know honey, mommy knows how much you cherish your friendship with Yongjae, trust me, mommy and daddy have so much trust in that boy that we won't even have to worry too much about you because we knew he'll always be there for you..." Hanni who listened carefully was reminiscing memories you and Hanni have been going through. "...so this time, you have to be there for him. No matter what happened before, if the two of you really cherish this bond you have, then it will never ever be broken even if it's being stretched or pulled and tensed a thousand times."
"Is that from one of the tiktok videos you've watched?" Hanni slowly regaining her smile and her mother just confidently shook her head. "This one's on mommy."
As she just chuckled weakly, suddenly her phone rang at the side of her bed. She glanced over at the screen and immediately her heart's beating rapidly at the sight of your name, calling her phone.
"Answer it okay. You'll be fine." Hanni received a kiss on her forehead from her mother as she walked out of her room. Hanni got off the bed, her phone in her shaky hand as she's trying to calm herself down before breathing out a long one and finally answered.
She remained silent as she placed the phone near her ear yet her heart's beating so loud she thought maybe even you could hear it "Hey..." Your soft whisper echoed into her ears. "Hey..." Was her only manageable reply.
"I need to talk to you Hanni." You said and even she could hear the nervousness in your tone but she couldn't muster a word, it felt too heavy in her mouth. "...if you can't then it's fin-"
"No..." She quickly said. "...let's talk." Hanni breathed out calmly. "Can we talk face to face?" You asked as she glanced at her watch. "Okay, where do you want to meet?" Hanni asked as she's getting the hoodie you bought her from her chair.
"I'm actually outside your house right now." Your reply made her went over to the windows, peeked through the curtains and her eyes landed on you, standing by your car in front of the gate. "Okay, I'll be down in a minute." Hanni then hang her phone call before she wore her hoodie, wiped her tears off her swollen eyes before calming herself down by breathing out a couple of times.
The footsteps she took from her room to downstairs felt so heavy as she forced her way out of the house and made her way to you and for the first time since yesterday, your eyes met with hers. Both were visibly tear stained and swollen.
"I'm here..." She spoke first as she's right in front of you, eyes never leaving yours. "...why'd you call me here?" Hanni asked calmly. "I'm sorry." Your apology felt sincere in her ears but she was confused. "...I never apologized properly."
"Why are you saying sorry for...?" Hanni asked as you let out a silent sigh. "I overstepped my boundaries. I shouldn't have said anything. I know that you're his girl but Hanni I love-" You cut yourself as you looked down the ground before sighing. "...no, I like you a lot Hanni."
"For years, I've been keeping this feeling I have for you, hidden and locked away but it became too much to contain with each days passing by. I am sorry for feeling this way..." You kept your head low as you let your feelings out of your tired heart. "...and I know you probably never imagined me as more than a friend."
"You're an idiot you know that?" Hanni cried out as you looked up to her who's eyes were teary but she's smiling ever so bitterly. "...it's not like I didn't consider it." Hanni's reply got you confused. "W-what do you mean? What do you mean... consider what?"
"I want you to know that ever since the trip, ever since we're back from Jeju, I also felt like I've been having feelings for you too..." Her confession made your eyes widened and time felt like it stopped and you and her were stuck in a frozen frame. "...but I didn't know if it was because I valued you dearly as a friend or something more..."
"Instead of confronting those feelings, I got too scared and I just ran away from it. I'm sorry..." Hanni's eyes never left yours as she wanted you to see the sincerity in her words and in that moment all you ever thought was...
You are the stupidest person that has ever existed in this world. The foolish of them all. The dumbest of the lot.
"I like you too Yongjae but I'm too scared to admit it and I was a fool for running away from it and keep telling myself that we're fine the way we were but deep down we're not going to be okay with having my feelings hidden away from you. I thought it was unfair for you and me. But I did it anyway..." Hanni let it all out, she couldn't bare being unsure of everything anymore.
Feeling worst for yourself, you had to walk away to the back of your car, palms covering your face as you knelt down to the ground and back leaning against your car. Hanni quietly went over to you as she knelt down to your level.
She slowly reached for your hands as she lowered them, showing your face to her and your eyes met again. "We really are stupid and foolish right?" She whispered with a bitter smile.
"I think I beat you in terms of stupidity and foolishness there..." Your smile was so bitter, it reflected the same with the smile on hers. "It's been hard for you isn't it... all those years..." Hanni whispered as your hands remained warmly in hers. "...I'm sorry that you had to go through it yourself. I wish I'd realize sooner..."
"Hanni don't..." You heaved out with a sigh. "...I'm just a man with no courage and you're a woman who's still confused with your feelings. There's nothing we can do about it now."
"Don't say that...after all that you've been through because of me..." Hanni slowly stood up as she pulled you up gently by your arms, as of now your eyes and hers couldn't left each other and Hanni was closing the already thin gap between you before you had to stop her by holding onto her shoulders. "Hanni don't...we can't..."
"Listen to me. You have to remember that he's still with you Hanni and I don't want to be the reason everything going bad between you and him." You whispered forcefully while Hanni could only sigh while looking down.
"And leaving you alone to suffer again? I can't do that Yongjae I'm sorry..." She wiped the tears in her eyes as she let out a few sniffs. "...you said you love me right?"
"I do, on God I do love you so much Hanni. But so does he..." Hearing that Hanni immediately looked up to you in the face, guilt shadowed her expression. "...and he doesn't deserve me, he doesn't need me liking you. He doesn't need that stress, that jealousy. So he will never know I exist in your life."
"W-what do you mean by that? Don't say that, you know how much I hate the thought of you not being in my life. I hate it okay..." Hanni immediately burst into tears. "...I get it; you don't want Jun to know about this but he doesn't have to not know that you're a part of my life. You're my best friend for God's sake..."
"God you don't know how much I want to just call him and say that this is not going to work..." Hanni began thinking of doing something that would jeopardize your relationship with her further so you grabbed her hand gently as she immediately intertwined your fingers with hers. "Don't, please don't do that Hanni. You're worth more than that. I worth more than that. We worth so much more than that. He asked you out before I did. I was stupid, I was a failure and I was such a scared unworthy man and he beat me to you."
"Yongjae please... Can we just..." Hanni let out a sigh before the tears in your eyes stopped her from continuing. "I'm sorry my mind's a complete mess right now. But can you promise me one thing?" She gently wiped away the tears on your cheek with a light smile. "...if we can't be together in the end, please find someone who deserves you. I know she's out there somewhere."
"You know I can't do that Hanni... You're the last person who is getting all my love and trust and I hope you understand that this is the side of me that no one will ever see again." You smiled with your heart felt so much more broken than before.
"Then what about you... You deserve to be happy as well..." Hanni's voice enveloped with guiltiness and with a bitter smile. "I was and still am when I'm with you Pham Hanni. I don't think I'll feel the same way with other people like I do when I'm with you." Hanni's heart immediately softened up but somehow the guiltiness was still on her shoulder. "I understand... If that's what your heart wanted... then I'll keep my heart open." Hanni whispered a kernel of hope that seeped deep into your soul but even you knew that it's almost impossible to happen.
"Hanni-ah..." You called out to her as she hummed ever so gentle. "Can you let me hug you...? Just this time, ten seconds is all I'm asking..." You're trying hard to not choke on the tears lumping behind your throat. "Before you go back to him, just enough so I won't have any regret, so that it won't ruin our friendship."
Hearing that, Hanni genuinely smiled lightly as she just nodded her head. Letting her hand go, you spread your arms slowly and Hanni instantly dive into your embrace, her arms wrapped tightly around you and your arms wrapped safely around her back.
As your arms safely wrapped around her, the warmth from your hug made Hanni realized that she was wrong this whole time. Those descriptions from the movies and books about hugs filled with love feels so warm and safe are true and she's feeling it within your embrace, making her buried her face on your chest, silently crying again.
Never she had felt this much safe and warmth apart from her parent's hugs. Not even from Jun. And as soon as she felt your arms slowly releasing her, Hanni just tightened her arms around you, not even wanting to let you go.
"Hanni... you can let go now." You whispered as you could see her head shaking. "One minute. Just one minute." She muttered while sniffing. "That's too long you know..." You gave her back a few pats. "Then twenty seconds. Just twenty seconds."
Realizing you could do nothing to win against her, you had your arms wrapped again around her, making her smile in her cry and for such a long period of tears, cries, and tensions, Hanni felt really safe in your arms.
After supposedly twenty seconds went by, Hanni finally unwantedly letting you off her embrace before she dried the tears in her eyes with her sleeves. "Thank you Yongjae. I really needed that." She whispered before breathing out and finally smiled the way she used to smile few weeks back. Bright and cheerful.
"You remember what tomorrow is right?" She asked with hope and your nod made her smile wider. "Then we're doing what we always do every time it's my birthday. We're going food hunting. Please?" She pressed her palms together as you forcefully faked a smile before nodding.
"Thanks Yongjae. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night." She said before you heaved out a silent sigh. "Then I'll take my leave now. We both need a good night sleep."
"Yeah, we do..." You and Hanni walked over to the front door of your car as she stood a few steps away from you. "Good night Hanni..." You gave her a light wave as she walked backwards approaching the gate while waving at you back.
As soon as you swung your door opened, Hanni suddenly lunged forward and gave you another hug for a quick few seconds. "Good night Yongjae." She whispered to you with a soft smile before walking back to the gate.
As you got in the car and drove away, her eyes couldn't leave the sight of your car before it disappeared from her sight. That point all that Hanni felt was thankful that the truth finally came out and she didn't lose you in the process.
But you on the other hand, in your car, was yet again in tears as you could only wish that Hanni would forgive you because you were about to do something that will certainly break her heart tomorrow.
On her birthday, tomorrow, you're leaving for Australia.
I swear the next chapter is a happy one. You can trust me 😇 I mean, who loves angst anyway... Hehe definitely not me... hehe....