I looked at my unnaturally dolled up face in the mirror and rolled my eyes in annoyance. I hated wearing heavy makeup and normally made do with just a smidgen of kajal at the tips of my eyelids whenever I attended college or stepped out of the house to run any errands. Even if I were to attend any events or parties, I'd just apply some light lipstick and consider it a job well done. And yet, here I was, sitting like a mute spectator in a rather unfamiliar room as Mariam applied extensive rouge on my face so that I effectively looked the part of a bashful young damsel who was being presented to a suitor for the first time, with the hope that he'd accept her hand in marriage. The whole thought of parading myself before some stranger almost made me feel as if I were some sort of an inanimate object, up for grabs at the market- ready to be sold to the highest bidder. The sensation was utterly sickening and I nearly felt like abandoning my plan in entirety.
Murtasim Khan- I'm going to kill you for putting me through this!
It had been two days since I'd agreed to meet with Arsalan and his family upon Anwar Khan's request. Even though I'd done so just in order to evoke a response from Murtasim, Anwar Khan seemed quite happy with my decision, making me feel slightly guilty for deceiving him. Although Chachi Salma Begum had been opposed to it initially, once I confirmed that I was ready to let go of my inheritance, she immediately expressed immense elation and flipped her stance entirely, instead offering me her blessing. However, the main individual whose reaction I'd hoped to witness first hand upon receiving the news, was nowhere to be seen. He'd apparently pulled a Houdini act just hours after I'd lost consciousness, running off to the village to handle some urgent matters there, in relation to the destruction the Maliks had caused.
Even though I was extremely annoyed at the fact that he'd disappeared with the deliberate intention of avoiding me, there was a part of me that was extremely worried for him after the way he'd broken down in front of me the other night while sharing how disturbed he was with the violence that'd ensued in the village- an event that he somehow held himself accountable for even though it was grossly out of his control. I'd tried my best to postpone Arsalan's visit to the Khan Haveli until Murtasim returned, but unfortunately it seemed like the date of Murtasim's homecoming was up in the air. Since neither Chachi Begum nor Anwar Khan could guarantee a return date, they thought it was best to not delay matters and have me meet with Arsalan's family as soon as possible. I'd agreed grudgingly, hoping that receiving word of the meeting would be enough to have Murtasim oppose the marriage and give our relationship a chance.
"Bas thoda aur..." Mariam said absentmindedly as she laid the finishing touches of her heavy-handed artistry on my cheek.
I shook my head in impatient disapproval as she continued to powder my cheek fastidiously.
"Ab aap yeh haar bhi pehen le, Meerab...Maa Begum ne khaas aapke liye bhijwaya hai..." Mariam said, as she tried to dislodge a frighteningly heavy neck piece from a velvety maroon jewelry box that reminded me of a dog collar rather than an ornament.
"Mariam. Please...bahut zyaada ho raha hai. Main aise zevar kabhi bhi nahi pehenti...main comfortable nahi hoon. Earrings pehen liye na? Bas, wahi kaafi hai." I said awkwardly as I grabbed the box from her and immediately placed it out of her reach.
Mariam was just about to respond, when Haya's voice loomed in the background, immediately making me clench my fists in irritation.
"Kyun? Tum ab Khan khandan ki beti ho- tumhe in sab ki aadat daalni padegi. Aur iss ghar ka yahi riwaaz hai, ki agar koi ladka dekhne aaye toh ladki ko har haal mein saj savarkar hi pesh hona chahiye..." Haya said, her tone smug and contented.
As soon as I observed her reflection in the mirror, I had an immediate urge to smack her right across her jaw in order to wipe the satisfied grin off of her face. However, I knew this action would be frowned upon, so I decided to control my temper.
"Haya- main wahi cheez pehnoongi jismein main comfortable hoon. Tumhe iss baare mein fikar karne ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Agar tumhe yeh haar itni hi pasand hai toh tum kyun nahi pehen leti- kya pata Arsalan tumhe hi pasand kar le?" I asked in a faux saccharine soaked voice, earning an immediate frown from her.
I smirked to myself victoriously as she muttered a few curses under her breath and exited the room.
I looked to my left in order to gauge if Mariam was similarly amused, but all I saw on her face was silent disappointment.
"Kya baat hai, Mariam?" I asked, hoping that it wasn't anything serious.
She merely shook her head as she looked away and started rearranging her makeup kit, seemingly evading the question.
I grabbed hold of her wrist and made her face me before she could move away.
"Bolo Mariam. Kya tum kisi wajah se naraaz ho mujhse?" I asked, hoping that the answer would be in the negative.
"Kuch nahi, Meerab. Mujhe laga tha ki aap abhi nikaah nahi karna chahti- shayad aage padhai par focus karna chahti hai aur isliye Murtasim bhai se rishta nahi jodna chahte...lekin main aapke baare mein galat thi..." Mariam said, her voice dejected.
"Mariam, main..." I tried to offer her some relief by revealing the truth of my plan to her, but she cut me off within a second.
"Mujhe koi safai nahi sunni aapse...aapne kitni buri tarah se Murtasim bhai ko thukrakar, ek aise shaks ke saath rishta jodne ke liye tayyar ho gayi, jinhe aap jaante bhi nahi hai...wahid isi wajah se na, ki woh Canada mein settled hai? Lekin yaad rakhiyega Meerab, ismein sirf aap hi ka nuksaan hai, kyunki main ek baar phir keh rahi hoon- Murtasim bhai jaisa koi nahi..." She said passionately, unable to suppress her true feelings any longer.
I swallowed hard as I processed her speech, determined to overturn the cynical opinion she'd formed of me.
"Mujhe...mujhe pata hai..." I admitted in a low voice, earning an expression of surprise from Mariam.
"Kya? Phir aap iss doosre rishte ke liye raazi kaise ho sakti hai?" Mariam asked, confused.
I got up from my seat so that I didn't have to strain my eyes to meet her gaze anymore.
"Mariam, yeh sab ek chaal hai. Mujhe Arsalan se nikaah karne mein koi dilchaspi nahi hai...yeh sab toh main iss wajah se kar rahi hoon taaki tumhara bhai apni zid chhod de, aur khushi khushi humare rishte ko ek mauka de de. Abhi tak toh use yahi lag raha hai- ki woh mujhse door bhaag kar mujh par koi ehsaan kar raha hai, lekin main use aisa hargiz nahi karne doongi. Main bhi utni hi dheet hoon...main peeche nahi hatoongi..." I said, crossing my arms together defensively.
My words turned Mariam's frown upside down in a mere split second and she flashed me a wide smile.
"Iska matlab hai- aap Murtasim bhai se hi shaadi karengi? Aap unhi ko pasand karti hai?" Mariam asked, her eyes sparkling.
I was suddenly thankful for the excessive rouge on my cheeks that seemed to camouflage the flushed expression that'd appeared on my face pretty effectively, upon hearing the question.
"Haan..." I confessed, making her squeal loudly in response as she hopped up and down in excitement.
"Mariam...Shh!! Kisi ko iss baat ki bhanak nahi lagni chahiye- nahi toh bahut problem ho jayegi. Aur especially Haya ko toh bilkul bhi nahi...woh already ek baar mujhe ghar se nikalwane ki dhamki de chuki hai. Agar use sach pata chal gaya, toh woh zaroor kuch na kuch karne ki koshish karegi." I said urgently, steadying Mariam as I grabbed her by the shoulders.
"Ji...ji Meerab, main samajh gayi. Aap fikar na kare, woh kuch nahi kar payegi. Aur aap jo bhi kar rahi hai, ek dum sahi kar rahi hai...main aapke saath hoon. Bhai ke akal ho thikane lagane ka yeh bahut hi sunehra mauka hai. Yeh baat toh main bahut pehle hi samajh gayi thi ki woh aapko kitna chahte hai...unhonein iss khandaan ki behtari ke liye bahut qurbaniyan di hai...lekin iss baar, Inshallah aisa nahi hoga." Mariam said firmly, bolstering my strength immediately.
"Kya ab main aapko 'Bhabhi' bula sakti hoon?" She asked in conclusion, making my face turn crimson once again.
I nodded in a reticent manner, eliciting a knowing smirk from her.
"Tum dono...fizool ki baatein karna bandh karo, aur abhi neeche aa jao, Arsalan aur uske ghar wale aa chuke hai..." Haya's voice interrupted us once again, as I turned around to spot her at the door.
"Haan, do minute. Aa rahe hai hum." Mariam responded nonchalantly, surprising me at how well she'd managed to conceal the topic we'd been discussing when Haya'd suddenly made an appearance.
Haya scowled as she made an exit, while Mariam and I trailed behind her, taking slow steps down the stairs as we kept our distance from her. Mariam made some slapdash efforts to fasten the dupatta on my head more firmly as we walked, so that it wouldn't slip- an event that could supposedly hurt the Khan family's honour.
The Khan family's honour is definitely stupidly fragile if it can be damaged by the mere accidental unfastening of a piece of cloth.
As soon as we reached the end of the staircase on the ground floor, I felt my stomach dropping as we inched closer and closer to the drawing room where all the members of the Khan family were hosting Arsalan along with his aunt and uncle.
The pace of my breathing sped up significantly and I felt an odd sense of restlessness pervade my senses when I observed the individual I'd inferred to be Arsalan, sitting on a huge ornamental wooden chair as he conversed with Chachi Salma Begum animatedly.
"Mariam, main yeh nahi kar sakti...sab ko bol do ki meri tabiyat kharaab ho gayi hai." I said rather impulsively, as I tried to make a dash for it in a cowardly manner.
"Meerab, aap aise dar nahi sakti...aapko Arsalan ke saamne jaana hoga, usko pehle rishte ke liye haami bharne de, phir hi baat ban payegi..." Mariam offered me a pep talk as she caught hold of my arm before I could make a move.
I exhaled heavily and tried my best to calm my nerves, almost hoping my anxiety would evaporate from my body along with the expired air.
"Sahi keh rahi ho tum. Main tayyar hoon..." I said ultimately, making Mariam nod in triumph at having convinced me to go through with my ruse.
Time to rip off the band aid.
I turned around and took swift steps into the drawing room before I could chicken out again- the pace of my gait probably inappropriate for a prospective bride-to-be whilst meeting her suitor for the first time. I watched as Chachi Begum stood up from her seat with a forced smile and stopped me before I could take my seat on the empty chair next to Arsalan.
"Meerab? Itni der kyun laga di tumne?" She hissed into my ears, while maintaining her plastic smile.
"Sorry...woh tayyar hone mein waqt lag gaya. Waise bhi, mujhe kaha gaya hai ki mujhe har haal mein saj savarkar hi Arsalan ke saamne jaana chahiye..." I said, batting my eyelashes and feigning innocence as best as I could, while I repeated Haya's words to her.
"Chalo, ab waqt zaaya na karo." She said hurriedly as she grabbed me by the arm and presented me before them as if I were a rare artifact being auctioned off.
"Sajeela, Waseem- yeh Meerab hai. Anwar ki beti..." Chachi Salma Begum said in a grandiose manner as she propped me forward.
I gulped as I looked at Arsalan's Mama and Mami and finally managed to squeak out a response. "Asalaam alaikum Waseem Sahab, Sajeela Begum..."
"Walaikum Salam bete...aao baitho..." Sajeela Begum said, as she smiled at me and motioned me to take the seat next to Arsalan.
I walked to the chair quietly and took my seat without protesting, for I wanted to end this meeting as soon as possible.
"Asalaam alaikum." I said in a low voice as I glanced at Arsalan momentarily to offer him a greeting.
"Walaikum Salam." He responded in a soft baritone, flashing me a half smile.
I moved my eyes away before I could observe his face enough to distinctively recognise it, utterly uncomfortable at the fact that he'd be gazing at me through the lens of a potential life partner.
"Mashallah Anwar Bhai Sahab, aapki beti toh bahut khoobsoorat hai..." Sajeela Begum said as she regarded me carefully and placed a hand on my head in affection.
Although I felt slightly awkward at her frankness about my appearance, I mustered up a weak smile to maintain my facade of politeness.
"Humein toh yahi bataya gaya tha ki kuch haalaton ki wajah se Meerab ko bachpan mein iss ghar se door bheja gaya tha, lekin jab humne yeh suna ki yeh waapas aa gayi hai toh humne jald se jald rishta bhejna theek samjha...waise bhi hum kaafi arse se Arsalan ke liye ladki dekh rahe hai...lekin agar yahaan baat ban jaaye aur bachche ek doosre ko pasand kar le, toh mujhe bahut khushi hogi..." Waseem Sahab said, as he smiled at Anwar Khan.
I felt a pang of anger coming on when I realised that even a couple of strangers living thousands of miles away from me had an idea about my parentage, but I'd been so woefully oblivious to the truth.
How could I have been so selectively blind?
"Waise humari toh yahi khwaish hai ki bachche aapas mein baatein kar le...lekin usse pehle agar aap sabki ijaazat ho toh, main Meerab se kuch sawal poochna chahti thi..." Sajeela Begum said.
"Ji beshak...aap itminaan se poochiye." Anwar Khan replied immediately, giving her a smile of approval.
"Shukriya...toh Meerab, batao beta- kahan tak padha hai tumne? Tumhari graduation complete ho chuki hai?" Sajeela Begum asked.
I was pleasantly surprised by her first question which I'd expected to be more about housework such as any cleaning or cooking chores, because I suspected that that's what most girls were judged based on in the Khan family when it was time to marry them off.
"Ji, maine abhi ek mahine pehle hi B.A degree haasil ki hai...meri graduation ho chuki hai. Lekin main aage jaakar bhi..." I was about to reveal my further plans with regard to my higher education, when the raucous sound of Chachi Salma Begum clearing her throat interrupted my speech midway.
"Ji...jaise isne kaha hai, iski graduation poori ho chuki hai. Ab hum sab yahi chahte hai ki iski shaadi ho jaaye..." Chachi Begum said pleasantly, making me roll my eyes discreetly.
Since the whole thing was a sham anyway, I didn't care much about her interjection. If circumstances were different, I'd have definitely broadcasted all the details about my dream to study law despite her disapproval.
"Achchi baat hai. Beta, tumhe toh pata hi hoga ki hum Canada mein settled hai. Main bas yahi poochna chahti thi ki tum wahaan pe adjust toh kar logi, na?" Sajeela Begum asked, her expression apprehensive.
"Ji, main iss baat se waaqif hoon. Mujhe Canada shift hone mein koi problem nahi hai...main adjust kar loongi." I said, trying my best to sound genuine.
"Soch lo bete...videshi mulk mein rehna, aasaan baat nahi hai. Humein ghar ke saare kaam khud hi karna padta hai. Arsalan toh ab humare saath nahi rehta...yeh aalishaan ghar, yeh aisho-aaraam jo tumhe iss ghar mein milti hai...woh hum tumhe kabhi de nahi payenge, beta...hum bahut mamooli se log hai..." She admitted regretfully, as she cast her eyes down on the floor.
I found her honesty extremely refreshing and suddenly felt a twinge of remorse at having to deceive her into thinking that I was actually interested in marrying her nephew.
"Aap fikar na karein...main manage kar loongi. Mujhe waise bhi aisho-aaraam ki zindagi nahi chahiye- mujhe khud ke kaam karna achcha lagta hai..." I said truthfully, earning a grateful smile from her in response.
"Waise toh main yeh baat poochna munasib nahi samajhti, lekin kyunki Canada mein hum cook afford nahi kar sakte...toh tumhe khaana banana aata hai, beta?" She asked in a gentle voice.
Under normal circumstances, her question would have irked me considerably, but somehow the context in which she'd posed it made me think that this was a practical matter to discuss rather than use it to assess a woman's worth.
"Ji, main zyaada kuch toh nahi bana sakti lekin main koshish karne ke liye ready hoon." I said, offering up a genuine answer.
"Koi baat nahi, agar aapki taraf se haan hui- toh main aapko sab sikha doonga...ek din aap khaana bana lena, ek din main bana loonga..." Arsalan interjected, making me turn towards him instinctively.
As I regarded him closely in order to ascertain if he was indeed serious or not, I noticed that his eyes and demeanor seemed sincere. It was also the first time since entering the drawing room that I observed that he seemed rather tall, had broad shoulders and bore a rather calming yet intelligent expression on his face.
"Ek darkhaast thi aap logon se..." Anwar Khan's voice immediately made my eyes dart in his direction, diagonally opposite to me.
"Meerab ke waalid hone ke haisiyat se mera yeh farz hai ki main uski har khwaish ko poora karoon...maine waise bhi aaj tak Meerab ke liye kuch nahi kiya hai...darasal baat yeh hai, ki Meerab aage law padhna chahti hai. Woh vakil banna chahti hai- mujhe umeed hai ki aap logon ko iss baat se koi aitraaz nahi hogi aur aap ise nikaah hone ke baad padhne ki ijaazat de denge. Waise bhi Canada mein yeh toh bahut hi aam si baat hai..." Anwar Khan finally finished his speech, much to the Chachi Begum's horror.
I knew that when she'd cut me off as I was speaking of my ambition that she'd wanted to conceal my career plans from Arsalan's family, not giving them the slightest chance to reject me for this particular reason. I was pretty certain that Anwar Khan recognised this as well. The fact that he'd spoken up for me despite this gave me a strong indication that he'd indeed been sincere about choosing to supporting me with respect to my decisions- whether it came to leaving the house or settling for a marriage.
This doesn't absolve him of all his other sins.
"Achcha? Yeh vakil banna chahti hai? Pehle kyun nahi bataya, bete? Yeh toh bahut achchi baat hai. Zaahir si baat hai, agar tumhe university mein admission mili, toh tumhe zaroor daakhil hona chahiye. Waise bhi agar tum aur Arsalan dono hi naukri karoge, toh tum dono ki lifestyle aur achchi ho jayegi..." Sajeela Begum said, smiling at me.
I grew nonplussed once again as I absorbed her reaction to Anwar Khan's words. It appeared that he'd truly been right about their mindset being starkly different from that of the Khan family.
"Ji shukriya. Padhai ke baad main bilkul naukri karna chahungi..." I replied immediately.
"Sajeela ji, agar aapke saare sawaalat khatam ho gaye ho, toh kya hum baat pakki kar le?" Chachi Begum asked eagerly, making my pulse spike in an instant.
No. This is moving way too fast! Please...someone, make it stop...please...
"Ma Sahab, yeh sab kya ho raha hai?" Murtasim's perplexed voice emanated from a slight distance away, immediately making my heart somersault in my chest.
I looked up to see him take a couple of steps into the drawing room as he scanned the folks who'd gathered in it. He looked on in bewilderment when he spotted Arsalan along with his Mama and Mami who I suspected he'd probably never seen a picture of, and thus, failed to recognise them.
When he finally turned towards me, our gazes locked immediately. At first, the strongly entrenched melancholy evident in his eyes transformed into awe as he scanned me from head to toe, seemingly mesmerized by the image of me in the flaming orange outfit that Mariam had made me wear for the occasion. Suddenly, I grew thankful for her efforts to fix my makeup- his gaze so sharp, fiery, yet somehow pristine- that it almost made me want to look away in an uncharacteristically coy manner.
However, as I momentarily ignored the fluttering in my stomach and observed his face with the utmost attention, I immediately noticed how sunken his eyes were and how exhausted he looked. His hair appeared disheveled and his clothes seemed rather unkempt- his shirt improperly tucked in without much care as he carried his blazer carelessly over his shoulder. I felt an onslaught of panic hit me once again as my imagination ran wild about what he'd faced in the village. My immediate instinct was to run towards him and engulf him in a hug after imbibing the full extent of his woeful state, but I controlled myself as best as I could, clenching the handle of the chair hard as an outlet to suppress my urge.
His eyes eventually moved onto Arsalan sitting right next to me, and his expression ultimately morphed into silent rage. I watched as his eyes grew wide with repressed fury once he'd finally made sense of what was happening.
"Murtasim beta, tum kab aaye?" Chachi Salma Begum responded soon after as she walked over to him and pulled him aside.
I watched intently as she dragged him out of our earshot and began to speak with him. Even though I couldn't get an entire view of Murtasim's face, for it was partially blocked by a broad pillar, I could tell that he was upset at having been kept in the dark about Arsalan's family visiting. A moment or two later, it appeared that Chachi Begum had succeeded in placating him as his expression went back to a semblance of normalcy and he straightened his clothes slightly while he walked a couple of steps forward, coming into full view once again.
He ultimately hung his coat on the chair that was diametrically opposite Arsalan and took his place on it with a discernible sigh.
"Salaam Murtasim Bhai. Main bahut khush hoon ki mujhe aap se milne ka mauka mil gaya... Tai Ji ne kaha tha ki aap gaanv mein masroof hai..." Arsalan said immediately, once Murtasim had settled in.
"Salaam..." Murtasim responded in a tone of annoyance, making absolutely no effort to mask the displeasure in his voice.
"Shayad mujhe wahi reh jaana chahiye tha..." I heard him mutter under his breath as he tapped his foot restlessly.
I was pretty certain that I was the only one who'd heard his remark since I was sitting right in between Murtasim and Arsalan, equidistant from the both of them. My immediate reaction was to smirk at his statement but I tried to keep a straight face so as to not arouse any suspicion.
"I know ki hum pehle kabhi nahi mile, lekin maine aapke baare mein suna bahut hai...kaise aapne apne waalid sahab ke guzarne ke baad kitni baareeki se iss khandan ki zimmedari li hai...aur karobaar mein bhi kaafi tarakki ki hai...I must say, it's very commendable." Arsalan praised Murtasim wholeheartedly.
"Thank you. Mujhe toh sach mein tumhari hi validation ki zaroorat thi. Lekin afsos, maine tumhare baare mein kuch nahi suna hai.." Murtasim said with a dishonest smile cemented on his face- his voice oozing with sarcasm.
"...Shayad tareef karne ke layak tumne aaj tak kuch kiya hi nahi hai..." He hissed under his breath once again, the sound of his curses only audible to me.
This time around, I worked quickly to cover my mouth as I stifled a slight chuckle-unable to control my impulse. When I'd come up with this strategy in order to knock some sense into Murtasim, I'd expected him to get jealous and territorial, but I hadn't imagined how comical it would be to witness him taking petty, silent potshots at Arsalan who was absolutely clueless about the verbal pissing contest he'd unwittingly become a part of.
My plan is working!
"Toh tum Canada mein karte kya ho?" Murtasim asked, raising an eyebrow critically.
"Main? Main toh ek software company mein computer engineer hoon..." Arsalan replied modestly, seemingly aware of the fact that his earnings were a measly amount compared to the wealth of the Khans.
"Of course. No problem. Corporate mazdoor hona bhi koi buri baat nahi hai..." Murtasim said once again, the fake smile still plastered on his face.
This time I nearly had to pull my dupatta over my face in order to hide my outburst, but thankfully enough, Chachi Begum intervened before the light teasing spiraled out of control.
"Bahut ho gayi mazaak, Murtasim. Ghar aaye mehmaan se aise baat nahi karte..." She remarked in a sharp tone of disapproval.
"Arrey nahi, nahi...Tai Ji. Main toh inhe bada bhai maanta hoon, toh yeh jitni bhi taang khichai karle, mujhe bura nahi lagega." Arsalan said, with a slightly nervous chortle.
"Khair, in sab baaton ko chhodo...Sajeela tum batao- kya tumhe Meerab pasand hai?" She asked directly, immediately making my stomach drop at the question.
"Ji, mujhe toh sach mein Arsalan ke liye Meerab bahut pasand hai...lekin jaise maine kaha tha- aakhri faisla toh usi ka hoga." Sajeela Begum said, looking expectantly at Arsalan.
"Mami, agar sabki ijaazat ho- toh main koi bhi decision lene se pehle Meerab se kuch der akele mein baat kar sakta hoon? Meerab, kya aap chalengi mere saath?" Arsalan asked plainly, turning towards me.
I gulped as I observed his expression while he stared at me, his eyes hopeful of my acceptance. Even though the thought of having a conversation alone with him was oddly discomfiting, I knew that I had to go through with it to make Murtasim think that I was genuinely interested in him.
I nodded in a reserved manner and tried to get up from my seat. However, before I could stand up in entirety, I felt a familiar grip grab my wrist rather harshly, immediately making my eyes widen.
I turned towards Murtasim and noticed his eyes blazing as he tried his best to contain his anger.
"Meerab kahin nahi jayegi. Canada mein shayad yeh cheez bahut common hogi...lekin yahaan pe aisa nahi hota...shaadi se pehle kuch daayre banaye rakhne padte hai." He said, his expression serious.
I nearly scoffed at his statement as I realised how excruciatingly hypocritical he sounded.
He has had zero boundaries with me ever since I can remember!
And yet, somehow, I came to the odd realization that I'd never once felt even an ounce of malaise because of it, as the whole scenario where he'd dragged me to the shower so inappropriately all those years ago replayed in my mind.
"Murtasim, main yahaan ki maalkin hoon- main khud inhe ijaazat deti hoon...Meerab ko jaane do." Chachi Begum declared in a stately manner, as she eyed Murtasim's hand on my wrist with distaste.
"Lekin...Maa Sahab..." Murtasim was about to argue with her when she dismissed him entirely with a mere wave of her hand.
"Arsalan ke saath jao, Meerab." Chachi Begum commanded authoritatively.
Murtasim clenched his fists as he looked away and let go of my wrist in order to avoid further conflict with her.
I turned around to Arsalan and tried to rub my palms on my clothes in order to mitigate their sweatiness. I trailed a few steps behind him as he began to walk out of the drawing room, towards the hallway.
Once we'd moved a considerable distance away from the hall, I realised that there was an exit into the backyard of the haveli where we could comfortably take a stroll in the open air and converse simultaneously. Besides, being in a confined space with a mere stranger was something that I wasn't exactly looking forward to.
"Arsalan...hum kya lawn mein ja sakte hai? Thodi bahut fresh air bhi mil jayegi." I asked anxiously, pointing to the glass door a foot away.
"Of course. Jaise aapko theek lage." He acceded to my request promptly.
I proceeded to slide the door open in relief and ultimately stepped out as he followed suit.
I began to exhale deeply as I walked forward, the crisp air of the garden entering my lungs and serving to reinvigorate my spirit to a large extent.
I looked to my side and finally gathered the courage to ask Arsalan what was on his mind.
"Arsalan, aap mujhse kya baat karna chahte hai?" I asked directly.
He stopped walking for a second and turned towards me, making me stop short as well. I suddenly took note of the fact that he was quite imposing as he towered over me by nearly a whole foot.
"I hope aap mujhe galat na samjhe. Par, main aapse yahi poochna chahta tha ki kya yeh rishte jodne ki baat aapki marzi se ho raha hai? Main yahaan pe pala bada toh nahi hoon, lekin maine Mami se suna hai ki Baba ke khandaan wale kabhie kabaar ladkiyon par dabaaw dalte hai nikaah karne ke liye...aur yeh main bilkul bhi nahi chahta." He said apprehensively, as he ran his hand through his hair in a shifty manner.
I was once again taken aback by how reasonable and considerate he seemed. Even though I knew he'd been raised abroad, with a different set of principles that his aunt and uncle had supposedly inculcated in him, the fact that my consent was so important to him was a gesture that I appreciated.
"Main tumhe galat nahi samajh rahi. Tumne koi najayaz sawaal nahi poocha hai- yeh sach hai ki Khan khandaan mein betiyon ki marzi kaafi baar nazarandaaz kiya jata hai. Lekin iss baar, aisa nahi hai- jab Chachi Begum ne aapke maama maami se rishte ki baat chalayi, meri razamandi shaamil thi usmein." I said, watching his shoulders relax slightly upon hearing my response.
"Achcha laga yeh sunkar. And I'm sorry, maami ne jaise aapko katghare mein hi khada kar diya aur sawaal pe sawaal poochti gayi- I hope aap pressurized nahi feel kar rahi thi. Kya aap sahi mein apne ghar se door Canada mein adjust kar legi?" He asked.
His question caused a slight stinging in my chest as I suddenly remembered Mama and Baba abandoning me at the Khan household a couple of days earlier. It became disturbingly clear to me that I truly didn't have a home anymore. I had boarding and lodging along with food and water- and yet the Khan Haveli merely felt like a structure of brick and mortar, utterly lacking the warmth that I experienced whenever I stepped into my house in Karachi. I felt like a vagrant trying to ascertain my place in this massive mansion and the only person whose presence offered me even a slightest bit of comfort was that of Murtasim's- and even he'd been trying his best to push me away.
I felt my throat develop a slight lump, but tried to maintain the pretence of normalcy as I dismissed these thoughts while answering him.
"Haan main adjust kar loongi...jaise maine kaha tha- mujhe apne kaam khud karna achcha lagta hai." I said, replying in a robotic voice as he nodded in response.
"Ek baat bataye, kya aapko waqai mein mere law padhne se ya naukri karne se koi masla nahi hai?" I asked mainly to satisfy my curiosity rather than anything else.
"Mujhe toh yeh baat se masla hai ki aapko lagta hai ki law padhne ya naukri karne ke liye aapko meri ijaazat ki zaroorat hai. Haan...agar aage jaakar hum dono ka nikaah hua, toh aap mujhse yeh baatein share zaroor kare...lekin main kabhi apni biwi ko aisa feel nahi karwana chahunga ki woh sirf aur sirf mere ishaaron par chalein, toh beshak agar aapko law padhna hai toh zaroor padhe, naukri karni hai toh zaroor kare! Aur sach kahun...toh mujhe yeh Khan khandaan ke rasmo-riwaaz bilkul bhi samajh nahi aate. Isliye maine apne mamu ka surname hi apnaya hai- Qadir. Toh aap yeh mat sochiyega ki main Khan khandaan ki purani soch se ittefaq rakhta hoon." He finally took a deep breath as he finished his speech.
I swallowed as I tried to assess the veracity of his words, but his expression appeared genuine- his voice firm and unwavering, hinting that his words were indeed coming from a place of truth.
I was extremely surprised at how similar our outlook and principles were, and yet despite the fact that we were so alike, it felt utterly strange and unsettling to envision him as my life partner for even a second. Even though Arsalan seemed like a good practical match for me, it was glaringly clear to me that my heart now belonged to someone else. Murtasim and I might've repeatedly clashed with each other and fought over our opposing ideals over the years, but despite this, there was an inexplicable magnetism between us that always seemed to pull us together. I realised that I'd always viewed him more as an ally than an adversary from a very young age- despite disagreeing with him incessantly on various matters. I'd spent the last couple of years believing that he'd rejected me and betrayed my trust, and yet I'd still felt an innate sense of security when he'd pulled me out of the crowd that day at the protest- a feeling that no one else could possibly ever inspire within me.
I guess it's true what people say. The heart wants what it wants.
As all these thoughts ran through my head, I also grew a tad regretful for deceiving Arsalan simply as a means to get through to Murtasim. He seemed like a perfectly decent person who didn't deserve to be led on just for the sake of my objective. I almost felt as if the right thing to do was to confess to him that I had no real interest in the marriage and ask him not to get his hopes up.
It's fine, Meerab. Just keep the charade going for another day. Murtasim will surely interject soon.
"Achcha laga yeh sunke ki meri aur aapki soch ek jaisi hai. Agar aap ko koi aur sawaal nahi poochna, toh hum waapas andar chale?" I asked, matter-of-factly.
"Of course." He replied in agreement as he gestured to me to walk back towards the haveli's rear entrance.
I took quick strides towards the door, readjusting the dupatta on my head slightly as I felt it growing loose.
He slid the door open for me rather chivalrously and I nodded awkwardly as I walked through it.
"Oh, ek cheez toh main aapse poochna bhool hi gaya. Murtasim bhai ko kya humare rishte se koi aitraaz hai? Woh kuch khaas khush nazar nahi aa rahe..." He asked innocently, making my eyes widen in alarm.
"Uh...nahi, nahi aisi koi baat nahi hai. Jab Chachi Begum ko koi masla nahi toh Murtasim ko kya problem hogi?" I replied, giggling in nervousness.
"Phir toh theek hai, pata nahi kyun mujhe lag raha tha ki woh aapko pasand karte hai..." Arsalan remarked organically.
The alarm on my face only deepened and I suddenly found myself experiencing a coughing fit that I couldn't shake.
"Meerab, aap theek hai?" He asked, his voice laced with concern.
"Haan...aap jaaiye...main kitchen se paani peekar...aati hoon." I said uncomfortably in fits and starts as I continued to cough.
He nodded in acknowledgement and began to walk to the drawing room which was a few feet away.
Once he'd departed, I immediately turned around and stumbled forth to the kitchen. Thankfully, it wasn't too long a way away, and I reached it in a matter of a few seconds. I picked up the first water bottle kept on the large counter top and opened the cap rashly. I instantly glugged down several sips of water in succession hoping that it would soothe the irritation in my throat. As more and more fluid grazed the sides of my food pipe, I finally felt the discomfort in it dissipating.
That was close! I don't know how much longer I can pretend...
I was just about to set the bottle down on the counter top once again, when I felt a strong pair of hands grab me by the shoulder, making me turn around forcefully. I dropped the bottle accidentally due to the force with which I was spun around and found Murtasim's fiery eyes staring back at me.
"Murtasim? Tum..." I was about to speak once I got over my initial shock, but he cut me off in an instant.
"Yeh sab kya ho raha hai, Meerab? Tum Arsalan se milne ke liye raazi kaise ho gayi?!" He bellowed, his eyes bloodshot and his nostrils flaring.
Before I could utter a response, his hands shifted from my shoulders as he snaked them around my waist brazenly, pulling the lower half of my body towards himself- making me gasp in shock. The dupatta on my head which had loosened slightly, unraveled in an instant, making it fall to the ground. Whenever we'd had an argument before this, he'd always pulled me by my arms to close the distance between us. Somehow, the way his palms gripped my waist seemed far more intimate, as if any residual boundaries the two of us had, had crumbled in entirety.
As I looked at the door to the kitchen, I came to the abrupt realisation that we were blatantly visible to anyone walking by. It appeared as if he read the silent panic in my eyes and shook his head as he dragged me behind a nearby wall so that we were obscured from any potential passersby.
He pinned me to the wall immediately and held my arms rather harshly to prevent me from moving.
"Jawab do, mujhe! Tum toh iss ghar ko chhodne wali thi, na? Phir Arsalan se nikaah karne ke liye maan kaise gayi?!" He seethed.
I clenched my fists as I prepared to offer up a solid acting performance so that he believed that I was truly serious about accepting Arsalan's marriage proposal.
"Kyun? Aisa kaha likha hai ki main apna mann badal nahi sakti?! Pehle main ghar chhodna chahti thi lekin ab mujhe yeh nikaah karna hai..." I responded, my tone caustic.
"Lekin tumhare lawyer banne ke khwaab ka kya?! Ya phir tumne iss baare mein bhi apna mann badal liya hai?" He asked mockingly, gritting his teeth together.
"Iss nikaah ki wajah se mujhe apne khwabon ki qurbani nahi deni padegi. In fact, jab main Canada shift ho jaungi, tab main aur bhi aasaani se law college mein admission le sakti hoon...woh bhi bina zaleel huey." I countered his question effectively with a convincing answer.
He shut his eyes for an instant, and heaved loudly before responding. "Par woh toh tum yahaan rehkar bhi kar sakti ho..."
"Main bahut azmaishon se guzar chuki hoon, main yeh roz-roz ki zillat aur bardasht nahi kar sakti...mujhe ab sabse aasaan raasta apnana hai, isliye main Canada jaana chahti hoon ek nayi zindagi shuru karne..." I spat harshly.
I could see the anger in his eyes deepening as he heard my response. He shuddered in a frenzied manner as he moved his face closer to mine with a jerk, the tip of his nose grazing my own for a split second before resting barely a centimeter away from it.
"Tum nahi jaogi..." He commanded in a low whisper-the hot air from his breath striking my lips in an instant.
As I gazed into his passionate, rage-filled eyes, I felt my breathing grow unsteady-my heart pounding hard in my chest. Since I'd finally embraced what I felt for him, I couldn't help but admit that I found this aggressive, possessive side of him extremely alluring. I found my eyes traveling to his mouth as I experienced a baffling desire to fuse my lips with his even though we were in the midst of an argument.
Ever since that night in the rain when we'd nearly kissed, I'd always found myself wondering what it would have been like to feel his lips on my own- the tiny strands of his curled moustache possibly tickling my skin once they collided. When he'd kissed my forehead two days ago, I'd experienced an intense burning sensation in the region as I grew increasingly greedy for the touch of his lips on my body. I imagined that his lips on my mouth would evoke a similar sensation- but this time around, amplified exponentially.
No! Don't get distracted! Focus, Meerab! Focus!
"Maine faisla kar liya hai...main jaungi! Aur waise bhi Arsalan ne mujhe saaf saaf kaha hai ki use mere padhne ya naukri karne se koi aitraaz nahi hai." I hissed, ignoring my carnal impulses.
"Achcha? Toh pehle hi mulaqat mein tum usse itni mutasir ho gayi ho, ki tum uski har baat ko sach maanne ke liye tayyar ho?! Lagta hai kuch zyaada hi pasand aa gaya hai woh tumhe...isliye usse akele mein baat karne mein bhi tumne koi problem mehsoos nahi ki!" His expression turned even more bitter and venomous as he spoke, the envy in his voice palpable.
I could feel his grip on my arms tightening to the point where it stung slightly and I flinched in response, growing slightly angry at how entitled he seemed to consider himself, despite not making any effort from his side to fight for our relationship.
"Haan, hui hoon main mutasir! Kya kar loge?! Haan? Tumhe kya laga tha? Ki agar tum humare rishte ko ek mauka nahi doge, toh main zindagi bhar kunwari baithi rahoongi tumhari intezaar mein? Toh phir yeh tumhari galat fehmi hai, Murtasim Khan! Main apni zindagi mein aage badna chahti hoon...aur woh bhi tumhare bagair!" I screeched.
I watched as a deep sense of betrayal and hurt overtook his features. He gaped at me in silent consternation, making my insides ache instantaneously for having said something so callous to him without thinking it over. His face turned red with rage once again as his breathing grew frighteningly heavy and restless. I could almost hear him grunting in fury as he took one step back in a hurried manner, seemingly unable to find a conduit to expunge the anger that was bubbling with him like hot volcanic lava.
Maybe I've gone too far...
I looked on in horror as he moved a foot away from me and deliberately smashed his fist into the wall beside me with the utmost force he could muster, growling vociferously while executing the action. I nearly recoiled at the impact and shut my ears at the loud thud that echoed throughout the room once his fist came in contact with the wall, almost as if his knuckles had cracked. My eyes widened in fear as I observed three drops of blood on his fingers that were quickly collating to form a dangerously large pool as they spread in size.
"Murtasim! Tumhara dimaag toh theek hai?!" I exclaimed, my voice laced with dread.
I immediately pulled him by the arm before he could further injure himself, as he tried banging his fist against the wall yet again.
I dragged him to the sink nearby and placed his injured palm under a steady stream of water after turning on the tap, my eyes widening as I noticed the scarlet hue the water garnered once it brushed over his bloody knuckles. I could tell that he was experiencing at least some form of mild discomfort as the liquid rushed down his fingers, but it appeared that he was oddly attuned to the pain and didn't emit even the slightest sound.
Once I was fairly satisfied, I grabbed the closest clean cloth I could find on the counter and immediately wrapped it around his knuckles for it to act as a makeshift tourniquet. As I observed the cloth turn scarlet, I was immediately guilt stricken at having pushed him so far over the edge in order to make him jealous, that he'd ended up hurting himself so awfully.
My vision started to fog up slightly as my eyes grew dewy and I immediately felt a thumb on cheek, looking up at Murtasim as he wiped a tear drop that'd unconsciously escaped my eyes.
"Kyun? Tum har baar aise kyun karte ho? Khud ko takleef pahunchani ki tumhari yeh aadat kab jaayegi?!" I asked in a dejected voice, cradling his injured palm in my own.
I watched as he gulped mutely and proceeded to cease eye-contact with me, staring down at the floor. I realised that I had to drop the act of appearing interested in Arsalan for I couldn't keep it up any longer.
"Sach batao Murtasim- tumhe meri baatein chubhi, na? Mujhe kisi aur ke saath dekh kar tumhe ek ajeeb si bechaini mehsoos hui ki nahi?" I asked him honestly.
There was a deathly silence in the air but his body language and facial expression made it abundantly clear that the answer was the affirmative.
I let go of his palm momentarily and immediately cupped his face gently such that our gazes were aligned as I spoke.
"Agar tum chaho, toh main abhi, isi waqt jaakar iss rishte se inkaar kar sakti hoon.." I confessed, my voice sincere and comforting.
"Kaise?" His eyes carried a glimmer of hope as he answered.
"Humare rishte ko ek mauka do, Murtasim. Mujhe apna lo- main iss khandaan ka hissa banne ke liye tayyar hoon, lekin mujhse vaada karo ki tum yeh kai naslo se chali aa rahi najayaz kaayde kaanoon ko badalne ki koshish karoge...mere liye, mere khwabon ke liye. Mujhe Canada jaakar koi aasaan raasta nahi chunna, Murtasim! Aur meri yeh neeyat kabhie thi hi nahi...mujhe bas tumhara saath chahiye, aur kuch nahin..." I said passionately, as I laid forth my request before him, caressing his cheek gently.
He seemed as if he were in a precarious dilemma as he grabbed my palms and shook his head in uncertainty.
"Meerab, main already tumhe samjha chuka hoon. Yeh mumkin nahi hai...tumhari yeh jo duniya dekhne ka nazariya hai- bas sachchai aur umeed se bhari...asal zindagi waisi nahi hai..." He muttered, his eyes oddly distant, almost as if he were looking through me instead of at me.
I felt immediately disappointed with his answer. I knew I'd been brought up in a sheltered environment with a limited understanding of how the outside world functioned at large, especially when it came to the traditions and customs of feudal families, but I was disheartened that he'd so cavalierly disregarded how much I'd suffered in the last couple of days while I'd learned to grapple with my new reality. Oddly enough, it felt as if I'd aged a couple of years in just a matter of a week or so with all the trials and tribulations I'd faced, and yet I'd somehow found a ray of hope when I'd come to know the truth of his feelings for me. It hurt me deeply that he dismissed my optimism about our relationship as mere naivety.
I wiped the tears in my eyes and measured my next few words carefully. "Theek hai phir, main Chachi Begum ke paas ja rahi hoon...yeh bataane ke liye ki mujhe Arsalan ke rishte ke baare mein sochne ke liye ek din ka waqt chahiye. Sirf kuch hi ghante hai tumhare paas...ya toh himmat jutakar mujhe qubool kar lo, nahi toh tum mujhe hamesha ke liye kho doge...kyunki main iss rishte ke liye sach mein maan jaungi!"
"Dhamki de rahi ho tum mujhe?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Tum jo bhi samajh lo...yahi aakhri faisla hai mera...is pe gaur zaroor farmana." I said, a tone of finality in my voice as I turned around adamantly and proceeded to walk away, once I'd picked up my dupatta.
I could sense Murtasim growing restless behind me but I refused to cave as I walked back to the drawing room. I tried to maintain a stiff and confident gait as I moved but I was deeply shaken and distressed on the inside as I wondered about the outcome of his decision.
What if he refuses to change his mind?
*****
I walked out of my room, taking rushed steps towards the spiral staircase that descended down to the ground floor of the Khan Haveli, where Maa Sahab's room was located. After what I'd witnessed once I'd come back to the mansion, I definitely had some issues I wanted to discuss with her.
I'd left the house a little over two days ago, once our family doctor had come over and examined Meerab. As expected, she'd fainted once again due to low blood sugar, which he suspected was because she wasn't eating very much. Once I heard confirmation of the fact that it was nothing serious, I immediately decided to go over to the village in order to spend some time away from her so that my words would sink into her properly in my absence. Besides, I knew that I had to make a trip to check the progress of the workers I'd employed to rebuild the houses of the tenants whose homes been pillaged and destroyed by the Maliks. Upon reaching there, I was happy to find that things were moving along rather smoothly, with no further disturbances in the area. It appeared that the guards I'd posted in the region were doing their duty to the best of their abilities and had succeeded in keeping the residents safe.
Earlier today, I finally received word from the commissioner that Malik Zubair had ultimately been arrested, and his father wouldn't be able to bail him out easily this time. I was ecstatic that my efforts to build a relationship with the commissioner had finally borne fruit and that Malik Zubair wasn't at large any longer. The only thing remaining was to have him convicted and sentenced immediately which I promised myself would happen very soon.
Since I realised the villagers were now secure, I decided to come back to the mansion soon after, but little did I know that I'd be welcomed by the unseemly sight of Meerab meeting with one of my distant cousins with the objective of judging if he'd be a suitable life partner for her. At first, I'd gone into shock and suspected that perhaps I was simply hallucinating due to exhaustion. However, reality had sunk in eventually, rendering me considerably irate and bitter. Even though I'd wanted to scream my lungs out in anger, Maa Begum had swiftly pulled me aside and explained that I was to remain calm despite not having been informed about Meerab's decision to meet with Arsalan- a cousin on my father's side who now apparently lived with his aunt and uncle in Canada.
Maa Begum had specifically asked me to keep the peace during the meeting and I'd obliged despite the fact that I immediately had the urge to break his bones once I saw him gaping at Meerab furtively- his eyes immediately expressing that he was enchanted by her beauty. I'd nearly lost my temper when she'd agreed to speak with him alone at his request, much against the customs of our family. However, I was surprised when Maa Begum had agreed to it so easily without any words of protest, since she had always been the foremost flagbearer of upholding traditions in our family, even if they might've seemed outdated to most.
To say that I was burning with envy at the whole situation was an understatement. I felt utterly restless and unsettled while she had been away and felt my insides crawl at the thought of Meerab and Arsalan together. As a result, I couldn't help but confront her immediately once she'd returned from her time alone with him in order to ascertain what was going on in her mind. Initially, her cavalier attitude towards the whole ordeal had almost made me question if she was the same person I'd fallen for so hopelessly, for she seemed rude and unfeeling to a point where she was unrecognizable. It was only when I'd banged my knuckles on the wall as a coping mechanism that she'd dropped her charade and confessed that her agreeing to meet with Arsalan was a mere strategy she'd adopted to get under my skin, so that I'd agree to give our relationship a chance, despite the fact that the odds were clearly stacked against us.
Her ultimatum had landed me in a massive dilemma as I tried hard to level the potential consequences of either decision. If I accepted her request, I knew that she'd have an uphill battle going forward with not a single day of peace if she indeed became my wife. In fact, the thorny picture I'd painted for her when she'd discovered the truth of my feelings for her was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to the trials and tribulations that she'd face as the Khanum of our clan. Her optimism and will power to fight was endearing, as it had always been, but it lacked a real-world understanding. As someone who knew what kind of toll it took on a person when they were forced to give up their dream, my fear of her growing resentful towards me was much too strong and something I realised I would probably never be able to shake.
As I pondered more and more over her warning, I realised that it was less of a threat and more of a solution to all of her problems. As much as I hated to admit it, all the things that she'd said in order to get a reaction out of me had been rooted in truth. If she married Arsalan and moved to Canada, she could legitimately start a new life, away from all the negativity and pain that the Khan family would surely inflict upon her if she decided to stay. The fact that Arsalan and his family seemed to be supportive of Meerab's career interests was especially crucial, for it meant that Meerab would be free to pursue her ambition without having to fight tooth and nail for it at each step.
With a heavy heart, I finally decided to try and view the circumstances pragmatically rather than emotionally. I proceeded to do a background check on Arsalan and was surprised to find that he was squeaky clean, with barely any red flags that'd popped up. He'd had two failed relationships in college, but that was probably the only thing that was even remotely scandalous about him. He appeared to be a regular, hardworking Canadian citizen with a loving aunt and uncle who appeared to have raised him to be a gentleman. Most importantly, he seemed to be a liberal, which meant that his views and that of Meerab's would align on nearly all subjects, making him a perfect match for her on paper.
He's all that I can never be. He can give her everything I won't ever be able to.
And with this in my mind, I concluded that the right thing to do would be to let her go. When I'd asked her to follow through on her decision to leave the mansion, there was a part of me that knew it was foolish and unrealistic to hope that she'd remain unmarried for the rest of her life. Despite the fact that we disagreed with each other rather frustratingly on many counts, I knew that any man would be lucky to have her and she'd gradually move on someday. It hadn't eluded my mind as well that Maa Sahab would eventually force me to marry in order to grant the Khan family its natural successor. It was unfair of me to expect anything of her especially under these circumstances, and realised that Arsalan could be a suitable companion for her.
It had taken me a long time to reach this verdict and I intended to convey it to her as soon as possible. However, when I'd asked Anwar Chacha about the match with Arsalan in order to see if he approved, he'd revealed a rather vexing fact that I hadn't been privy to. He'd informed me of Maa Sahab's condition for Meerab to abandon her inheritance if she indeed decided to follow through on marrying Arsalan, making me feel instantly guilty before him.
I realised that the reason she'd been so insistent about me wedding Meerab had possibly less to do with the promise Waqas Chacha had made my father and more about amassing our ancestral property to prevent it from falling into any outsider's hands.
I decided to confront her in order to set things straight, because I knew that it was Meerab's legal right to maintain ownership of the property that Anwar Chacha had signed over to her. And I'd feel like a dishonorable thief if I were the reason it was taken away from her so unjustly.
I sighed as I finally reached Maa Begum's door and knocked on it twice, waiting for her to grant me permission to enter.
"Ijaazat hai..." She said in a stately manner, accepting my request.
I immediately pushed the door open and entered the room as she looked at me curiously, surprised that I'd decided to pay her a visit so late in the night.
"Maa Sahab, mujhe aapse kuch zaroori baat karni hai..." I said, my voice firm.
She regarded me carefully as she stood up from her seat and stepped towards me so that we were face to face.
"Kaho...waise shayad mujhe andaaza hai ki tum kis baare mein baat karna chahte ho, Arsalan aur Meerab ke rishte ke baare mein sunkar tum kuch khaas khush nahi nazar aa rahe." She taunted.
"Nahi, mujhe iss rishte se koi aitraaz nahi hai. Aapne mujhe bin bataye Arsalan ke gharwale ko bulaya tha, isliye main thoda hairan reh gaya tha, bas..." I swallowed as I responded, my eyes darting to the floor.
"Lekin Anwar Chacha ne mujhe ek baat batayi hai Maa Sahab, jise sunkar main pareshaan ho gaya hoon. Aapne Arsalan se Meerab ka rishta karwane ke badle mein, yeh shart rakha hai ki Meerab apni zameen thukra de? Kyun, Maa Sahab? Iski kya zaroorat hai?" I asked, my voice echoing my disappointment strongly.
"Murtasim, bachkani baatein na karo...tumhe achchi tarah maaloom hai, ki khandani zameen khandan mein hi rehna chahiye. Maine kaha tha Meerab ko, ki woh tumse nikaah kare, lekin usne tumhe qubool nahi kiya. Aur ab woh agar Arsalan se nikaah karna chahti hai, toh use apni zameen lautani hogi, kyunki Arsalan Khan nahi...Qadir hai." She declared imperiously.
"Hai toh Baba ke rishtedaar, na? Toh phir kya farq padta hai, Maa Sahab? Naam Khan ho ya Qadir, khoon toh ek hi hai, na? Aur aap Meerab ka soche, kya woh Khan nahi hai? Yeh zameen uska khandani haq hai...aap ise nahi chheen sakti!" I declared decisively.
"Meerab ne khud yeh shart qubool kiya hai...use zameen mein koi bhi dilchaspi nahi hai! Toh phir tum mujhe kyun suna rahe ho?!" Maa Begum countered.
"Maa Sahab, kya aapko sahi mein nahi pata ki woh aisa kyun kar rahi hai? Woh naraaz hai hum sab se...iss khandaan se, aur jo aap logo ne milkar uske saath kiya hai, kya yeh naarazgi jayaz nahi? Use yeh samjhaane ke bajaye, ki use apne jaydaat ko aise thukrana nahi chahiye...aap zameen ki maang kar rahe hai usse? Matlab aap meri shaadi Meerab se wahid isi wajah se karwana chahti thi...yeh bahut sharmindgi ki baat hai, Maa Sahab." I said, my voice dripping with guilt.
"Tum hosh mein toh ho, Murtasim? Meerab ki tarafdaari karne ke chakkar mein- tum meri neeyat par shak kar rahe ho? Kya kuch nahi kiya hai maine iss khandaan ke liye...tumhare liye...meri har qadam sirf tumhe aur iss khandan ko mehfooz rakhne ke liye hai...bass!" She responded passionately.
I buried my face in my palms as I tried to ascertain as to how to put my point across in a civil and respectful manner.
I sighed as I placed a hand on Maa Sahab's shoulder affectionately in order to calm her down.
"Maa Sahab, agar aap pachaas feesadi zameen Meerab ko de de, toh zyaada se zyaada kya ho jayega? Humare paas itna sab kuch toh hai...itni daulat hai ki shayad agle kai naslo tak agar sab haath pe haath dhare baithe bhi rahe...toh bhi kisi cheez ki kami nahi hogi hame. Aapko kya chahiye, Maa Sahab? Aur zameen chahiye? Aur daulat chahiye? Kya aapko meri kabiliyat par aitbaar, nahi? Main aapko sab laakar doonga...bas please aapse yahi guzaarish hai ki apna shart waapas le le..." I said, my tone soft and pleading.
"Nahi Murtasim, woh khandaani zameen hai. Main yeh shart waapas nahi le sakti...yahi aakhri faisla hai mera." She said decisively, looking away from me.
I gulped as I thought of an effective enough response for her to rethink her decision.
"Theek hai, lekin ek baat aap bhi samajh le. Agar aapne yeh jaydaat mere naam karwa bhi liya, toh main kabhie ise apna nahi maanunga. Sirf ek pehredaar ki tarah iski dekhbhal karoonga, bass. Aur jis din Meerab...Meerab ke...bachche ho jayenge, usi din, main yeh zameen dobara usi bachche ke naam kar doonga. Aur aap mujhe nahi rok sakegi...isliye aap apne faisle ke baare mein dobara zaroor soche." I said, tapping her shoulder lightly as I tried hard to maintain the neutral tone of my voice- my words bringing a great deal of pain to me as I spoke them aloud.
I finally turned around to depart from the room, when Maa Sahab's voice stopped me yet again.
"Ruko. Yeh tumhare haath ko kya hua hai?" She said in alarm as she stepped forward and began to caress it with care.
This...This is why I can never be angry with her.
"Kuch nahi hua, Maa Sahab. Aap pareshaan na ho..." I said, immediately hiding my bandaged fist behind my back.
"Pareshaan toh tum lag rahe ho! Tumhe kya lagta hai? Mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha? Tumhara chehra yeh saaf zaahir kar raha hai ki Arsalan aur Meerab ke rishte ki baat sunkar tum kitni takleef mein ho...yeh maan kyun nahi lete ki tum Meerab ko pasand karte ho?!" She reprimanded, her tone urgent.
My eyes widened in shock as I debated a suitable answer to her question.
"Beta...abhi bhi der nahi hui...hum Meerab ko abhi bhi tumse nikaah karne ke liye mana sakte hai..." She said, cupping my cheek tenderly.
There was a part of me that just wanted to break down and cry my heart out before her, expressing all my sorrows and insecurities. I desperately felt like admitting my feelings for Meerab to her- feelings that I probably would never feel for another woman again in my lifetime. I wished to express how badly I wanted Meerab in my life, utterly discarding the intricate medley of plans and decisions that I'd made to safeguard Meerab from myself. However, I ultimately managed to hang on by a small thread and decided to swallow and repress my feelings once again for Meerab's wellbeing.
"Aisa kuch nahi hai, Maa Sahab. Aur aap mere chehre par nahi...meri baaton par gaur kare...main chalta hoon..." I stammered in a rush.
I then turned around and walked out of the room quickly, making my way to the balcony upstairs in order to get some fresh air- my feet carrying me as quick as possible to avoid any further conversation with Maa Begum.
As soon as I stepped into the verandah, I took a cigarette pack out of my pocket and removed one hurriedly along with my lighter. I then brought it close to my lips so that I could light it with ease. However, before I could follow through with my objective, I felt a sudden presence beside me as a petite set of fingers grabbed hold of the cigarette and yanked it out of my grip.
Normally, I would have blown my top at anyone who'd interrupted me while I was planning to light a smoke, but my recognition of the pair of hands that'd done so was immediate- they were unmistakably Meerab's.
I guess she's come to find out what I've decided.
"Tumhari cigarette peene ki aadat kuch zyaada hi bigadti jaa rahi hai aaj kal..." She said in a tone of disapproval as I turned to my side and watched her flicking it into the trash can at the edge of the balcony.
I shook my head in resignation and rested my palm on the railings in front of me as I spoke.
"Toh tum ab meri buri aadatein bhi chhudwana chahti ho...isliye yahaan aayi ho? Ya phir...mera faisla jaanne?" I muttered under my breath as I stared into space.
"Nahi, main kuch aur poochne aai thi, lekin agar tum faisla le hi chuke ho- toh phir uske baare mein baat kar hi lenge..." She said matter-of-factly, as she crossed her arms together, any nervousness she felt about the decision effectively hidden in her voice.
"Kya poochna chahti thi tum?" I asked, deliberately keeping my gaze fixed on the swimming pool visible in front of me.
"Yahi ki...gaanv mein sab kuch theek hai? Jab tum waapas aaye the, toh bahut hi thake hue lag rahe the...yeh Arsalan ke chakkar mein, maine tumse yeh sawaal poocha hi nahi..." She asked, her tone softer as she moved towards me.
I could tell that she was looking at me, expecting me to return her gaze but I made a conscious decision to gape straight ahead instead.
"Haan, sab theek hai. Haalaat kaafi behtar hai, actually. Malik Zubair finally arrest ho chuka hai...shayad main ab kuch pal ke liye chain ki saansein le paun. Jab mujhe yeh khabar mili, tabhi maine waapas aane ka faisla kiya kyunki mujhe yakeen ho gaya ki ab gaanv wale mehfooz rahenge..." I declared as I exhaled and shut my eyes, genuinely relieved at this fact.
"Yeh toh bahut achchi baat hai, Murtasim. I'm sure tumne jo mehnat ki hai, yeh usi ka natija hai...ab tum bhi iss baare mein pareshaan hona bandh kar do, please. Tumne apni zimmedari bakhoobi nibhai hai..." She said, her tone anxious.
I felt her fingers moving towards my palm slowly, as she finally entwined my hand with her own, giving it a light squeeze. When her fingers brushed against mine, it was almost as if I felt a jolt of static, making me turn towards her instantly-my self imposed restriction to avoid making eye contact with her forgotten impulsively within a split second.
I felt my heart leap in my chest as I found her smiling back at me and wished for time to stand still so that I could savour the moment between us forever.
No. You've got to put an end to this...
I jerked my palm away from hers rather abruptly, making her furrow her eyebrows in response.
"Meerab, mere faisle ke baare mein sunne se pehle- main tumhe ek sawaal poochna chahta tha. Lekin haan, please iska sach sach jawab dena..." I said, gulping nervously.
"Kaisa sawaal?" She asked, her facing contorting further in confusion.
"Arsalan...kaisa laga tumhe?" I asked, gauging her reaction.
"Kaisa laga matlab? Yeh kis tarah ka sawaal hai?" She questioned, immediately growing defensive.
"Jaise maine kaha, Meerab- please, sach, sach jawaab dena. Aur please mujhe gussa dilane ya jalane ke liye nahi, pehli mulaqat mein jo rai tumne uske baare mein bana liya hoga, main bass woh jaanna chahta hoon." I explained.
At first, it appeared that she would try and evade the question once again but she ultimately sighed before she attempted to answer it.
"Pehli mulaqat mein ek insaan ke baare mein kya hi pata chal sakta hai? Lekin haan, woh mujhe izzatdaar aur achche mizaaj ka laga...humare khayalat kaafi milte julte hai...bass, main aur kuch nahi keh sakti..." She said, finally relieved that she'd answered the question successfully.
Just what I expected....she hadn't disliked him...
"Agar tumhe sach mein yahi lagta hai, Meerab...toh tumhe usse...nikaah kar...leni chahiye..." I stuttered word for word, barely able to say the whole sentence out loud as a large lump materialized in my throat.
"Tum...tum mazaak kar rahe ho, hai na? Mujhe chidaane ki koshish kar rahe ho...sirf isi wajah se kyunki maine tumhe dhamki dene ki koshish ki..." She asked in disbelief, before she rambled on by herself, trying to make sense of my statement.
"Nahi, Meerab. Main koi mazaak nahi kar raha. Maine sab pata kiya hai Arsalan ke baare mein...woh ekdum sahi humsafar hai tumhare liye. Woh sab jo tumne mujhe gussa dilane ke liye kaha tha...asal mein, tumne koi najayaz baat nahi ki thi, Meerab. Aur jab maine thande dimaag se iske baare mein socha, toh mujhe waqai mein yahi lagta hai ki tumhe Canada jaakar ek nayi zindagi shuru karni chahiye...apne khwabon ko bina kisi rukawat ke pura karna chahiye..." I declared, clenching the railing hard as I spoke to focus my attention.
Her expression was immediately panic stricken once I'd finished speaking.
"Nahi! Tum samajh kyun nahi rahe ho?! Jo kuch bhi maine kaha...woh sab jhoot tha! Mujhe tumse door...Canada nahi jaana...aur jab tumhe mere jazbaato ke baare mein pata hai, toh tum mujhe Arsalan se nikaah kar lene ki tawakko kaise rakh sakte ho?" She yelled passionately, as she grabbed the collar of my kurta rather violently.
"Tumhari zindagi ki behtari ke liye...yahi sahi faisla hai, Meerab. Aur Maa Begum ki jo shart hai, use tum bhool jao...tumhe tumhari haq ki zameen milke rahegi..." I tried to offer some words of consolation in order to calm her down.
"Chup! Bilkul chup! Mujhe Khan khandan ki jaydaat mein na kabhie koi dilchaspi thi, aur na kabhie hoga! Agar mujhe ek phooti-kaudi bhi na mile...toh bhi mujhe koi farq nahi padta! Tum mere jaydaat ki haq ke liye Chachi Begum se lad sakte ho, mere Baba ke liye mere mann mein jo izzat thi use banaye rakhne ke liye, kai saalon tak meri nafrat seh sakte ho...mujhe bheed se bachane ke liye khud zakhmi ho sakte ho...mere khwaabon ko mehfooz rakhne ke liye mujhse alag ho sakte ho...lekin mujhe apnane ki ladai nahi lad sakte?! Kyun?! Bolo, kyun?!" She screamed in a manic voice, shaking me up thoroughly in a demanding manner.
My heart twisted into a knot in my chest as I observed frantic tears streaming down her cheeks as she fisted my collar with her palms. Nevertheless, I steeled myself to her pleas as I mustered up a response.
"Jis jung ka natija mujhe pehle se pata ho...main use kabhie bhi ladne ki koshish nahi karta. Main tumhe yeh baat pehle bhi bata chuka hoon..." I said, looking away from her.
"Please Murtasim, yeh faisla badal do! Please! Mujhe tumse door bhej kar...mujhe itna bada saza mat do! Please!" She begged, her eyes still tear-stricken.
"Mera faisla nahi badlega, Meerab." I confessed- an odd hollowness engulfing my chest, almost as if my heart's only way of ignoring her desperate cries was to make myself feel absolutely nothing.
She finally let go of my kurta the moment the statement escaped my lips, an expression of abject betrayal on her face as she shook her head languidly- the weight of my words sinking in bit by bit and terrifying her with all that it would entail.
I thought she was about to fall over for a second, but she gripped the railing of the balcony immediately in order to steady herself. I could see that her mind was in deep contemplation as her tears slowed down for a few seconds, immediately making me curious about what was playing on her mind. She then wiped her tears in a flustered manner and stood upright only to look at me with renewed determination, picturesquely analogous to how a mythical phoenix supposedly rose from its ashes to fight yet another battle.
"Theek hai, jaisa tum chahte ho, waisa hi hoga. Main Arsalan se nikaah karne ke liye raazi hoon. Lekin ek baat batao, Murtasim. Jab mere aur Arsalan ke rishte ke baare mein sunkar tumhari haalat itni kharaab ho gayi thi, toh tum mujhe khud apne aankhon ke saamne uski dulhan bante dekh, yeh kaise bardaasht kar loge? Sirf yahi nahi, agar maine iss rishte ke liye haami bhari, toh shaadi ke saari functions jaise ki mayoun, mehndi...sab isi ghar mein tumhare saamne honge. Bolo, tum kya yeh sab chup chaap dekh paoge?!" She asked through gritted teeth.
My pulse spiked significantly as I imagined the hypothetical events that she spoke of, each making me feel significantly worse than the other.
"Haan." I clenched my fists as I lied.
"Toh theek hai phir, yeh khel khelkar bhi dekh lete hai, Murtasim Khan. Tum khud se toh jhoot bol sakte ho, lekin mujhse nahi. Main Meerab, yeh vaada karti hoon ki main Arsalan se nikaah karoongi. Ab yeh shaadi tab tak nahi rukegi, jab tak tum khud ise rukwa nahi dete! Dekhte hai ki iss jung mein kiski jeet hoti hai- tumhare dimaag mein base khauff ka , ya phir tumhare dil mein mere liye base jazbaat...tumhari yeh mahaan banne ki zid, ya phir mera tum par yakeen...ya toh tum jeetoge...ya phir, hum...dekhte hai, kaun kis par haavi hota hai..." She said, as she poked a forefinger at my chest before it flitted from myself to her in quick succession, as if to fire an opening salvo for the war that was about to ensue between us.
I swallowed as I watched her walk away from me furiously, her hair flying in an unruly, non-conforming manner- as if to mirror her flaming determination to win the challenge she'd just set for me.
I turned away eventually, only to realise that a lone teardrop had made its way down my cheek as a result of the confrontation I'd just had with her. I reached up to wipe it and then paused, only to realise that the action was useless.
It's best to get used to it now. You'll be shedding a lot more tears in the upcoming days...and quite possibly, for the rest of your life.
*****