"...It's okay, cara."
I hadn't realized I was screaming until Rafe wrapped his arms around me and brought my body to his, muffling the noise. I was shaking and sobbing, devastated by the image of Ana's body just lying there.
It wasn't okay. She had sons, a husband, maybe even a garden that she tended to and now they would have to be without her.
It was senseless. All of it. Ego's were bruised and now people had to die because of it? People I loved. People who I had learned that I couldn't live without.
"Rafe, we need to go. All of us. They could be back with more people." Dom says bringing me back to the reality of the situation.
I turned back to see Pablo standing next to his wife's dead body. Somebody had covered her so she was no longer visible but knowing she was here one moment and gone the next was enough for me. I didn't have a bandage big enough to fix this.
"What about Ana?" I sniffled. "Rafe we can't just leave her here. We can't leave her alone. Not like this."
"It's okay, Mona."
I shook my head and pushed him away from me. He didn't get it and he never would. Life was temporary to them and they treated it as such. I did not and I don't think I ever would be able to see it that way.
"Pablo's has someone coming and we have a few men that are staying on scene just in case, but I need to get you out of here." He pulled me so that I was flush against his chest. "Por favor Mona, for me."
He placed a kiss on my forehead grabbing my hand to pull me back towards the house.
I turned back around to get one last look of everything. There were broken glass shards all the over the ground, and the pool chairs all had holes going through them. There were leaves on the pool along with floating shell casings.
I allowed my eyes to travel to the white sheet, mere inches from where I had been standing before the shoot out began. Her son had saved my life while she lost hers. I didn't know how to feel or why I had been spared when I was the root of all of this. I wondered if the bullet had hit me instead, if this would all be over.
"Mona, come on."
Rafe tugged me forward, pulling me out of guilt. I followed him inside while my body shook of shock. It was like my body was operating on its own and I was watching from the outside.
"Where's Kekoa?"
I looked around realizing I hadn't seen him for some time. "He took off once the shooting started. I have someone out looking for him."
I nodded my head. "Okay."
"I know a lot is going on right now but I need you to pack a bag, don't worry about getting everything just take what you need. Dom and Sophia are going upstate and you're going with them. I'll be up later after I'm done with all this." He grabbed his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number. He placed the phone up to his ear and walked away before I could protest against him not coming with me.
Deciding I needed to move quick, I ran up the stairs into our bedroom. I wasted no time in grabbing a week's worth of clothes and shoes before stuffing it into a duffle bag. I grabbed a few toiletries and some hair products before jetting back downstairs .
Rafe was still on the phone when I came back down. Once he saw me, he grabbed my hand to lead me outside where several cars were parked. Dom was standing outside of a black suburban, also on his phone.
"Non mi interessa. La guerra è già iniziata, sai cosa fare! (I don't care. The war has already started, you know what to do)."
He moved the phone from his face so he could talk to me. "Te veré luego mi amor (I will see you later my love)." He reached down to give me a long kiss before pulling away and ruching back into the house.
I got in the car a few moments before Dom did. Arlene slept peacefully in her car seat, unaware that our lives were in serious danger.
—————
I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but two mansions side by side in a prominent neighborhood in Jersey was the last thing that could have possibly crossed my mind.
When Rafe and I first got married, I wanted New Jersey to be our forever home. The suburb life had enticed me from watching Real Housewives but he had protested, not wanting to be far from his "business".
Two big cars were parked in front of the bigger mansion, making me a little suspicious.
"Well, now that the surprise kind of had to be spoiled, Mona this is your house. Rafe bought it earlier this year. I'm sure he wanted to present it to you in a better way but circumstance provided, he can't do that." Sophia glanced back at me to capture the shock on my face. "Dom and I are right next door."
I barely had time to fully register everything before we were getting out of the car and walking up to the house. Santiago got out of the first car making me instantly feel at ease. He went and opened the back door of the car where Kekoa jumped out and came running to me.
I gasped before crouching down and holding him in my arms. I rubbed his fur and placed kisses all over him. "Don't scare me like that again."
"Mona?"
I looked up from Kekoa's excited grin to see Dom holding out keys to me. I stood up so I could grab them.
"Get inside. It's getting late and boss may not be home for a while."
I nodded my head. "Where is he, Dom?"
He sucked his teeth with his tongue. "He's doing what he does best. Trust him. I know you want answers all the time but he's keeping you safe by keeping you out of it right now."
I sighed because I knew he was right. "I really hate it when you make sense, you know that?"
He chuckled before turning around to walk in the opposite direction where his house was.
I tapped Kekoa's side so that he would walk with me into the house. It was unfamiliar territory to the both of us and I could tell he was a little apprehensive.
"Come on, boy." I urged. "Come on."
—————
"...you listening to me?"
I blinked, allowing myself to be present in the moment. Three pairs of eyes were looking back at me. I had completely missed the conversation with my mind racing in thought.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
She sighed, annoyed that she would have to repeat herself. "You'll be partnered with Angelica for this rotation and the next. Unfortunately she called out today, so you'll be with Diana and Erin just for the day. Tomorrow when you come in, you'll start up with Angelica."
I nodded my head. "Okay."
She looked down at my notepad. "Are you not going to write it down?"
"Oh." I quickly jotted down my assignment while everyone awkwardly watched. "Sorry."
"Alright everyone. You're free to find your designated nurse. Sim lab is cancelled today so you won't need to report at 1. Instead, you'll be free to leave."
Everyone dispersed to go find their designated station. Erin grabbed my arm so that we could walk together. "What's going on with you? Ashleigh called your name twice before she could get your attention."
I gave her a tired smile. "I haven't been getting much sleep these past few nights. I think it's finally starting to catch up to me." Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Ana's dead body. I hadn't told Rafael who slept peacefully beside me every night because I didn't want him to worry.
She flipped her hair off of her shoulders. "Well do what you gotta do to stay alert and focused. We came into this together and I would hate to see you fall off."
I spent the day trailing Erin to every single one of her patients rooms. Every few hours, we'd check on the same four people, doing the same tasks over and over again. I stood in each room silently, trying to pretend I was present when in reality my mind was far away. I was a mess, truly. I missed my mom and my dad and my sister. I missed my husband. I missed Ana. Everything was falling apart around me and it was all my fault.
When 1 came around, I didn't stick around to chat with my classmates like I usually did. I grabbed my bag and practically ran to the waiting black suburban. Some days it was Santiago and other days it was Vinny. Vinny liked to take me straight home the shortest route he knew. Santiago on the other could sense when I needed the scenic route and total silence which is why I was happy to see him through the partition.
He peeled out of the parking lot, "Long day?"
I sighed and leaned back into my seat. "Yeah. I feel like I'm losing my mind lately."
His eyes met mine through the rear view mirror. I could sense the fatherly worry from where I sat. He turned off the radio before clearing his throat. "Something bothering you?"
I laid my head back against the seat and shut my eyes tight to keep from crying because it was the first time in days that someone had asked me that. Something was bothering me. And truthfully, I was not okay. I think it was long coming before this, but now it was all catching up to me.
We didn't talk about it, Rafe and I. Sophia had moved on so quick like she had seen this happen on a daily basis. Dom wasn't the type to talk about anything and I didn't want to give him a reason to say I wasn't ready to be a part of this world.
Ana had changed my life and taught me how to be a woman. She challenged me and protected me even when I refused to listen. She made me the woman that could keep it all together even though her life was falling apart. How could I just forget her and move on?
"We should get ice cream."
I shook my head. "I don't want ice cream." I wanted my life back. I couldn't control the dam of tears that broke through. I covered my face, embarrassed that I was crying in front of him. He must think I'm so weak.
We must have taken the shorter way because before I knew it we were back at the mansion and Rafael was racing to get to the car. He must have texted him and told him I was having a mental crisis.
Rafe opened the car door closest to me and pulled me into him so that my head was resting on his shoulders. I was hardly crying anymore but the comfort felt nice. I hadn't felt him in a week. We slept in the same bed but he was gone before I could wake up and back late at night after I'd fallen asleep.
"Shh." He kissed the top of my head. "I know a lot has been happening these past few days and I'm sorry I haven't been there for you."
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. He smelled like laundry detergent and a hint of after shave. I couldn't help but to take a deep breath in, using his scent to help calm me down.
"Come on, Mona. Let's get inside." He grabbed my hand and helped me down from the car. We walked inside together with him leading me and me with my head down to keep anyone from seeing my disheveled state.
Inside the mansion was quiet as usual. There was no one securing inside during the day so I usually didn't hear any chatter until around 10PM when some of them retired for the night. Rafael had let them crash in one of the rooms once during their shift changes. I always wondered if they had family they were missing but I knew the job was one they signed up for knowing the potential to be away from family.
My stomach growled loudly, reminding me I hadn't eaten the Shepards pie the cafeteria was serving at the hospital.
"You want me to order something?"
I nodded my head. "Yes please. Anything with red sauce."
"Okay." He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. "You go shower and I'll order the food. We can eat together before I have to get to the warehouse for the night."
I almost protested but decided against it since we were in a tense situation now. As much as I hated it, I know being away from me was the only way he could keep us safe. I volunteered to go with him, but he never allowed me to because he knew couldn't focus if we were to get attacked while over there. His priority would be me instead of what would be good for everyone.
I let go of his hand and walked up the many stairs. Our room had furniture but did not feel warm like the other one did. We had some clothes and shoes but nothing was personal. I didn't have any jewelry or purses there with me. Rafael didn't have any of his suits there either. The best part about this mansion was that it felt temporary and I couldn't wait until we could get back to our normal lives.
I took a long shower, letting my body relax under the hot water. Once I was done, my body felt tired. All of the many nights of not sleeping enough was catching up to me. I threw on a pair of shorts and a big T-shirt before going back downstairs.
The smell of pasta had my mouth watering before I could physically even see the food. I rounded the corner into the kitchen where the pasta had been laid out on the island. He had also gotten fresh bread and salads.
He was on the phone, so I grabbed a plate and prepared my food before taking a seat at the island and digging into my food. It was a while before he realized I had come down, but once he did, he dismissed who ever was on the phone before preparing his own plate and joining me.
Rafael sighed deeply. "That was Pablo. Ana's funeral is in two days. They didn't want to risk shipping her body so the funeral will be back in New York."
I nodded my head. "Okay."
He rubbed my back to comfort me and instantly I felt sick. I leapt up from the island and ran to the nearest bathroom. I barely could get the light on before I was heaving into the toilet. It kept coming, confusing me as I hadn't had alot to eat. My forehead and neck were drenched in sweat by the time I was finished.
I got up on shaky legs and flushed the toilet. I went to the sink and washed out my mouth before splashing my face with cold water. It wasn't until I was wiping my face did I remember in all of this chaos that I forgot something.
Just mere moments before the shooting, I had discovered the idea of pregnancy since my body had been changing rapidly. How could I have forgotten to get a test?
"Here."
I watched Rafael's reflection in the mirror hold out some water.
I turned to face him and took the water. It settled my stomach rather quickly, making me happy I didn't have another round lurking. Once I was done, I set the glass down on the counter and leaned back against it. I chewed on my lip, struggling on whether to tell him or not since I hadn't officially taken a test. It could just be all in my head and I didn't want to tell him if it was nothing.
"Maybe the salad was bad. That's the one thing you had that I didn't. Fuck. I thought this place was supposed to be the best in Jersey."
"The salad was fine." I cleared my throat. "All of it was really good."
He nodded his head then suddenly he shut his eyes tight like he remembered something. "The talk about the funeral was too much. I'm sorry, cara."
That could have been what triggered it but I knew there could have been another reason. "There's something I need to tell you, Rafael."
His eyes opened and landed on mine in worry. "What's wrong?"
I took a deep breath in deciding it was now or never. "I know this is the worst time possible for this but I think I'm pregnant."
There was no big reaction from him. No picking me up and twirling me around. No clapping in happiness. No shouts of joy. And truthfully, I didn't blame him. This really was the worst possible time for something like this. I wish it would have been at a different time where we both could be at ease and take in the news a different way.
He rubbed his forehead. "Are you sure? Did you take a test? How long have you been feeling like this?"
"Since the day of the party. I realized I hadn't used my tampons in a while and then my boobs are so much bigger." I thought back to everything around that time. "And then the nausea and the tiredness around that time. I mean I've been so stressed so that could play a part in it."
I bit my lip. While we stood in silence. "I haven't tested yet. My mind has been sorta everywhere lately so I forgot."
His eyes met mine and I couldn't trace the emotion behind them. But something was definitely there. He backed out of the bathroom before turning and leaving me there.
I turned to face the mirror and made sure my face was clean before I grabbed the glass and followed him out. I went back to the kitchen but he was nowhere to be found. Not wanting to make it a big deal, I sat back down and tried to continue eating. The moment I got a whiff of the food, like Deja vu, I was running back to the bathroom for another round.
I was lying on the couch when I heard the sound of the front door opening and closing. I sat up wondering who it was but felt at ease when I saw Sophia walking in. She didn't have Arlene with her which surprised me since she carried her around like an accessory.
"Hey, Mona. How do you feel? Rafe just sent me over here to check on you."
I creased my forehead in confusion because I thought he was around here somewhere soaking in the news. "Is he over there?"
She shook her head no. "He called Dom who relayed the message to me. I had a feeling a few weeks ago but didn't want to say anything in case you weren't announcing it. It was your boobs." She chuckled.
So he'd told her, and Dom I'm assuming. I wasn't sure how comfortable I felt with that since I wasn't 100% sure I was.
"I feel fine right now, just scared I'm going to throw up again. Did he say where he was?"
She smirked and took a seat next to me on the couch. "I think he's at the pharmacy buying you everything in there. I heard him ask Dom what helped me when I was pregnant and nauseous." Her tone turned less playful. "I know there's so much happening but you need to take care of your body and yourself right now. It's not just you anymore, there's a tiny little baby in there made in love by you and Rafael."
I shook my head. "I'm not even sure yet."
She gave me a look as if to say "are you joking?". "Mona, I'm pretty sure your boobs did not look like that last month. They're huge."
I laughed because she was right. They were a lot fuller and sensitive. How had I forgotten so easily?
The door shutting and opening again had us looking towards the entrance. The loud footsteps told me it was Rafael before he appeared holding five shopping bags. Sophia chuckled before standing up.
"Did you buy the whole damn place?"
He came to where I sat and handed me the bags. I took them and looked inside. There were a number of different tests, cocoa butter lotion, ginger candies, a 6 pack of ginger ale, random different vitamins, a thermometer, and some candy. Although it was excessive the gesture melted my heart.
"She only needs one test and a doctor's appointment." Sophia laughed. "I'm gonna leave you two. Mona, call me or come over whenever."
She walked out of the house leaving Rafe and I alone.
"Thank you. You didn't have to get me all of this. Well yes to the ginger and the pregnancy test."
"So... are you going to take it?" He crossed his arms and I knew then he was just as anxious as I was.
I cleared my throat. "It's better if I do it first thing in the morning. That's when it'll be the most accurate." I bit my lip and put my head in my hands. "This couldn't have come at the worst time."
"No voy a dejar que te pase nada. (Im not going to let anything happen to you)." His tone was hard and final. It made me really believe him.
I looked up at him. "Yeah but what about you? And Sophia and Dom, and my mom, and Santi? Vinny? Everyone else?" I didn't mean to raise my voice at him but I couldn't help it. "No sé si puedo soportarlo si alguien más cerca de mí- (I don't know if I can take it if someone else so close to me-)"
I stopped before I could finish my sentence not wanting to think about any of that. If anything should be happening to someone it should be me. I was the culprit. It didn't matter how many times I said it or thought it, I remained untouched.
"This needs to end Rafael." I put the bags on the chair and stood up. "I'm sick of all of this. We're away from our home. I go to school in a suburban being tailed by two other drivers. I haven't seen my mom in so long. How do I fix this so it stops?"
He sighed. "You can't. I'm sorry, Mona but this isn't just about you. It's about him disrespecting me. I'm tired of talking about this. Get some sleep, I have shit to do."
He walked away before I could respond. I could tell the conversation had riled him up. I hadn't meant to do that but we had so much to think about besides ourselves and the baby. I didn't want to see anymore bloodshed because I was so fragile.
Deciding he was right, I went to the kitchen to clean up before retiring upstairs to go to sleep.
———-
The next morning I woke up alone. Completely alone. The house was quiet and not a single car was in the driveway. I checked my phone expecting to see a text message from my husband but there was nothing. Not even a Candy Crush notification.
I did my normal morning routine before going downstairs to grab a pregnancy test. It would have been better if Rafael was here but I wasn't sure when he'd be coming back so it was best for me to do it while I had the chance.
I grabbed a plastic cup from our pantry before going into the bathroom. I was holding my pee from the night before so it didn't take me long to pee at all.
Once the cup had enough, I dipped the test in. I set a timer on my phone before washing my hands and leaving the bathroom.
Breakfast was instant oats and a smoothie I had premade. I ate it silently and alone at the kitchen counter buried in my thoughts. I had class in the next hour so I was trying to think if we had any tests or anything coming up.
The timer went off, startling me from my thoughts. I threw my dishes in the sink and ran some water on them before I made my way to the bathroom.
My legs shook with every step. I was married, sure, but still nervous. I knew Rafael had wanted this for some time so that gave me comfort in knowing he would be there for me.
I took the test out of the cup, not at all surprised at the result. Pregnant.
I took a picture of the test before placing it on some toilet paper. I dumped out my pee and threw the cup out before cleaning and sanitizing the bathroom counter.
My first call had been to Santi. He had picked up on the second ring with worry laced in his tone.
"Mona, everything okay?"
I chuckled. "Uh yeah. I just was wondering where everyone was. I have school in half an hour."
"Oh." He sounded confused, like he didn't know what to do. "I must have forget to put this on my schedule I'll have Vinny come out there and get you."
That was weird. He never forgot when I had school. It was the same days every week at the same times.
"Okay. I'll be here waiting."
My phone beeped letting me know I had a call waiting. I checked to see Rafe calling me.
"Rafe's calling. I'll talk to you later."
I switched over before he could respond. "Hello?"
"What's wrong?"
Was I in some sort of twilight zone?
"What do you mean? Nothings wrong."
The loud chatter in the background disappeared. "You just called Santiago. I thought something was wrong."
I creased my eyebrows. "I just needed a ride to school. He's usually on time but I guess he forgot. Vinny's gonna take me."
"Oh." It was silent for a moment. "Did you take the test? Is everything okay."
"Yeah I took the test not too long ago." Then I remembered no one was here with me. "Where are you and where is everyone? Are we in a ceasefire?"
"No." His answer was simple and short. Whatever was happening he didn't want to say over the phone. "What did the test say?"
I cleared my throat. "I'm pregnant."
"Sono felice di saperlo, amore mio. (I'm happy to hear that my love)." His voice was softer and I could hear the smile on his face.
I could recognize bits and pieces of Italian to translate what he said.
"Go to school and then I'll see you when you come back. I love you, Mona."
I smiled. "I love you too, Rafael."