Book was sitting on a seat in the airport waiting to board his plane. He was finally going back to Thailand after 3 years of traveling solo around the world. He felt like he had learned so much during the past few years, and was ready to see all of his friends and family again. He missed his parents so much and wanted to hug them and tell them about all the new stories he had.
His brother is picking him up from the airport when he lands, to take him back to his condo. He was already so tired and planned to spend a day just sleeping to get rid of his jet lag. Book thought itd be better to be wide awake and refreshed meeting his parents so that he could give them his undivided attention.
As he was finally called to board the plane, he made his way to his seat and put his carry on above his head. He took out his air pods and put them in his ears before settling into his seat. He knew listening to music would help him fall asleep and not think. He didn't want to think. Thinking only led to his memories of everything that happened before he left. He was already anxious enough about setting foot back in the place where everything went wrong.
The last layover was finally complete and only had a few more hours before he reached Thailand. The song playing in his ears was "Somebody To Love" by P'Bird and he chuckled at how fitting it was for his situation.
"Book. Hey Book."
Just as he was drifting to sleep, he heard his name being called. He opened one of his eyes, to see where the voice was coming from. He shot straight up in his seat and took out his air pods. It was the one person he was not looking forward to seeing after all this time.
Force.
Why here? Why now? Of all the places to reunite with Force, why did it have to be in this giant inescapable metal box thousands of feet in the air? Book felt a million emotions begin to course through his body. None of which he hoped displayed on his face.
"Can I sit down?" Force asked hestitantly.
Book shut his eyes and took a deep breath trying to calm his racing heart. He thought he was lucky no one had booked the seat next to him, but now would rather have a smelly stranger there.
He could see the look on Force's face. A mixture of desperation and worry. He knew exactly what he was thinking. Book hated that he knew him so well.
"Fine" Book responded slumping back in his seat, turning his head toward the open window. He looked out at the night sky and had a fleeting thought of grabbing a parachute to jump out. Anything to avoid the conversation that was about to take place.
As Force sat down, his arm grazed Book's who flinched away. Hurt spread on Force's face, but he knew it was all his fault he reacted this way.
They both sat in silence for a moment, neither knowing how to begin the conversation.
Force finally broke the quiet tension "So, you're finally coming back home. Are you going to see your parents tonight?" Force wanted to try small talk at first, but Book was having none of it.
"What do you want Force? Why are you even here?"
"I had a fanmeet in another country and am on my way back. I didn't expect to see you here."
"I wish you hadnt."
Book's words were daggers to his heart.
"Just say what you want to say, and go back to your seat. I'm too tired to deal with you right now."
Book in fact was tired. Tired of running from his feelings and pretending he was okay. For three years, every time he would close his eyes in bed, he could only picture the day he left. Every single syllable of the last conversation between them, raced through his mind. Crying into his pillow pondering when it all began to go wrong. Wishing that he could forget everything. Forget Force.
But he couldn't. He couldn't forget how much he loved the man sitting beside him. He couldn't ignore the aching in his heart that yearned to be held by him again. Even now seated right next to him in a t-shirt and sweat pants, he looked as handsome as the day they said goodbye. Book wanted to just lean over and press his lips against his soft ones that always tasted so sweet.
Book quickly shook away that thought, because he knew that would never happen again. And it is for the better.
"I know there is probably a better place and time to do this." Force began "But seeing you again after all this time, made me want to do it now before anything else happened."
Force paused for a moment to think about his words, and he furrowed his eyebrows the way Book always thought was adorable when he got frustrated.
"I've thought a million times how to apologize. What the right words were, how to act, how to really portray my feelings, but the only thing i can think to say now is I'm sorry. I truly am sorry Book. For everything. For pushing you away, and making everything else in my life a priority except you. I don't want to make any excuses or try and make it seem like I'm not the bad guy here. Those last few weeks before you left I thought you were being dramatic when you would confront me about our relationship, but when I read your text saying you were leaving, my entire world came crashing down on me." Tears began to well in Force's eyes.
"You didn't answer any call I made or any message I sent for the entire next month. I called everyday hoping to hear your voice and just apologize. And I know that there is no one is to blame but myself. I took the time to reflect and realized I took you for granted. I began to only be around you when I was feeling lonely or when I was drunk and horny. I pushed you away for other things. I was focusing to much on my career and fame. I never made time for you, despite all of your efforts to make things work between us.
All of those dates you planned, the little notes you'd leave in my car, or even the 'good luck's' you'd message me before a solo event. I ignored all of those and chose to listen to other people over you. And I am so sorry for all of it. I'm sorry you went through all of that because of me. I'm sorry for being not only the worst boyfriend, but the worst person in your life. I don't expect you to forgive me and I don't expect to get back together. I just wanted to apologize to you properly because that's the bare minimum I can do for you now. I cannot make up for lost time, but if I could go back I would make sure to treasure the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm sorry Book. I really am. I'm sorry."
By the time he finished speaking, Force had waterfalls of tears flowing from his eyes. Book, not being able to bear looking at Force, was staring straight ahead at the seat in front of him. He didn't want to look at Force because he knew that once he did, he would break down sobbing as well.
"Did you ever love me for real Force?" Book asked still looking to the front.
"I did. I do. More than anything else in this world. That'll never change." Force put his hand on Book's arm. This time he didn't pull away. "Even if we don't ever get back together or even become friends again, I just want you to know that. That I'll always love you."
Book finally turned his gaze to Force. Droplets started to fall from his eyes just like he knew they would. The handsome man was just looking at him through those long dark lashes with the most loving gaze he ever had in all their years of knowing each other.
"I don't think I'm ready to forgive you Force. You broke my heart more than you could ever know. Everyone had told me to break up with you for months before I finally did. I wanted to keep trying. I thought I could make it work. I knew you were so focused on your career and I wanted to support you no matter what. We were both young and trying to balance so many things in our lives. But somewhere down the line, I realized I was never going to be a priority to you. Perhaps you weren't ready for a relationship, but I wish you would have at least told me sooner. All of my efforts were wasted.
Then that day came. The day you began to promote with someone else. I knew it was only for show, but on top of everything else it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. It felt as though not only did you not want me as a boyfriend, but you didn't want to work with me either. You didnt even discuss it with me. I couldn't take it anymore. I ended my contract with the company and booked my flight for the nearest date I could leave. The night before my flight, I tried to tell you I was leaving. I wanted to at least give you that courtesy but you didn't even listen to me. You started a fight about how I came over unannounced and needed to just go home. So I did.
I dont regret leaving. I got to do what I've wanted to do for so long. I got to see so many beautiful and amazing parts of the world. But I always wanted to do that with you. There were so many things we had planned together that were never fulfilled because you always had something you deemed more important. So no, I'm not ready to forgive you. I need more time. I don't know how long it will take or if I'll ever be able to. I am thankful for your apology, truly. But as of now, my heart is not in a state where it can be easily mended. Just looking at you makes me so overwhelmed by negative emotions and I don't like that feeling.
I love you Force. For so many years I have I loved you with my entire being. But I learned the hard way that love isn't enough. Perhaps some time in the future I can finally forgive you and open my heart up again. Maybe even in another life. In every timeline i want to choose you. If there are other universes, I want to be with you in those too. But this timeline doesn't seem to be for us. At least not while we both still have so much to learn and more room to grow."
Book inhaled a deep, painful breath. Both of them were sobbing at this point and neither knew what to say next. Force pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket, and leaned over to wipe Book's face with it. Book let him. It reminded them both of the old days when Force would wipe away Book's sweat when on stage together. As the tears finally seemed to stop Force took Book's hand and squeezed it.
"I really am sorry I messed up everything and I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Not for me, but for yourself. To let go of the pain I caused you. Even if I'm not a part of it, I truly want you to have a good life. I want you to live out all of your dreams and be successful in whatever you choose to do next. I just want you to be happy." Force meant every word.
He smiled at Book one final time before he stood up and walked away. Before he disappeared behind the curtain of the first class cabin, he turned to back and said "Goodbye Book." That goodbye hurt Book's already aching heart, and he once again burst into tears. He put his air pods back into his ears and cried himself to sleep.
When the plane finally landed, Book stepped off and was greeted by the familiar warm Thailand air that tingled his skin. It was great to finally be home. He picked up his luggage and walked toward the doors to wait for his brother to arrive. He looked over to see Force arranging his luggage in the trunk of a car. Force walked over to the passenger seat of the car and looked up in Book's direction then gave a faint smile before getting in the car and driving away.
Maybe someday Book thought to himself.
Someday.