Nothing is Fun: Lake
When I was in eighth grade, my well of friend Carleton had a boat that him and his family would take out onto lake Oakridge on occasions. On about two occasions before we could drive, Cathy would take myself, her son, Damien, and my friend Charlie and we would attempt to water board while the others hung out on the boat. Carleton's mom Cathy even had the boat stocked with a hundred or more dollars' worth of food. When we went in 8th grade I had never swam in a lake before or had been given swimming lessons as a child, the closest I had come to supporting myself in water was the deep end of pools like the one at my childhood friend Chris's house.
Anyways our first trip my friend Charlie and the two others jumped into the water and I followed suite, experiencing for the first time how to keep myself afloat in water deeper than my height to which I think Charlie laughed at my struggle, but again I had never been taught how to swim, I didn't relay this to Cathy or the others, but had I done so I likely would have gotten to wear a life vest.
Fast forward to our senior year of high school when I was living at Northwest the first and only month we were able to live there. This was when my mother wasn't buying as much food so I distinctly remember my "friends" getting together before a trip to the lake and before we left town I hadn't eaten anything in a day or two and I had no money, but the guys decided to stop at a gas station. When I went inside I was so hungry my stomach growled at the smell of the fried chicken they sold them. I really wanted to say to the guys that "hey I know I don't really ask for help or anything, but could one of you please buy me a piece of chicken so I don't pass out from lack of food when we go onto the boat." I didn't say anything, and I think they, well Evan for sure would just have made fun of me.
You see in my writing even though I refer to Charlie, Carleton, Damien, Jonathan as my friends, I can no longer call any of those four a friend or anyone I would ever like to see again in this life or the next.
Anyways the topic of this writing was that nothing is fun. The thing is when Charlie and the guys wanted to go to the lake I never really understood why, because I never experienced joy from anything. I would be just the same mood had I stayed in my bed rather than go to the lake. All of the people I went with enjoyed going because it was an escape? I don't know, all I could think about was food with no money and how I needed help from these people who ended up all just hurting me. Nothing was fun, nothing I tried, it was just another time period of turmoil made worse by the anhedonia.