I hadn't had a panic attack since we left our world. It was 4:14 am and I couldn't open my eyes, but I was explicitly aware that I was having trouble breathing.
I finally managed to open my eyes, but I was still unable to breath freely. Sweat formed on my skin, I tried reaching for the water but my arm shot up with pain.
I yelped, retreating my arm.
"Orion?" I heard a half awake voice pipe in from the other double bed in our room.
I tried to stop the panic attack by counting to 100. It receded a little, but it was still there.
Lillian walked over to my bed. A worried expression plastered on her face.
"What's wrong?" Her eye brows furrowed.
"P-panic att-acks." I stammered between breaths.
"Oh." She sat cross legged in front of me.
"Look at me, look in my eyes." She held my hands.
"Breath. Breath." She used her element 🌱 to bring a vine of flowers for the fragrance, to calm my nerves.
It started receding gradually, the slight throbbing was still there, but gone for the most part.
Once I was calm enough to talk, she began her questions.
"How long has this been happening?"
"A year." I answered not meeting her eyes.
I had done a great job keeping this from the three of them. No one except me and dad knew. I'm embarassed that I had to take Lillian's help.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I couldn't."
"Well, are you at least seeking help?"
"I have to meditate. Twice in four days."
"You don't have meds?"
"... No." I said after a long pause.
"Why not?" Her voice laced concern.
"Dad wouldn't let me. Say's it'll get me addicted."
"Oh. Okay, I can give you some herbs to help." She offered.
"Yes, Please."
She nodded, and got up towards the balcony door.
"Where are you going?" I asked
"Out. Wanna come?"
•••
We sat down on the balcony floor, looking up at the stars.
"I always wanted to come to Italy." She said resting her head on my shoulder.
"It's good that were here now." I whispered.
I didn't think I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, again. All I could see right now was the green eyed girl in front of me. He brown hair, fell on both sides of her face, covering the small gash I had given her.
The thought pained me. This girl had gone to great lenghts just to help me all while being mistreated by me.
"I'm sorry." I said. "I'm sorry for every thing Lil."
She remained silent. Looking straight ahead at the sea.
"Say something. Anything. Please." I begged her.
"What's left to say Orion? I don't hold grudges, but I can't say I forgive you... I tried really hard you know, to help you. But one can't save a man who simply doesn't want to be saved.
I expected you to be difficult, but not violent." She said bitterly.
"I- i don't have any excuses. But i hope you can find in your heart to forgive me." I apologized genuinely.
"Anyways. What do you plan on doing with Nicholas when we find him?" She said trying to change the topic.
"Interrogate him? Or atleast try to see how my mom and Constantine were involved." I answered.
She hummed in response.
No matter what I say now, I can't change the damage that was done. I had to get on with life, and try to find redemption.
But atleast we can she can be around me and look me in the eye. And find complete sentances for me.
•••
The day that rose, didn't push us forward in our quest, but atleast we had good food to compensate.
We ended up exploring Piazza del Duomo, Teatro Massimo Bellini and getting arancini
Italy was a dream really.