Why Won't You Make Eye Contact
One day when I was between 4-5 years old my parents were in the living room watching tv near each other. I don't recall exactly why I needed to talk to them, but their reaction to my attempt at conversation and resulting behavior still has me wondering the source to this day.
I walked toward my parents, joining them in the living room as we began our conversation. Instead of looking either of my parents in the eye I stared at the ground, avoiding meeting their eyes like it would pain me to do so. I'm not sure if it was something I was conditioned to do after being abused or if there was some other problem. 25 years later and I still don't have an answer.
I've tried very hard to grow past the fear of others and fortunately with medication and cannabis assistance I am more cable now of making eye contact than any point in my life.
Reflecting back on the why. The logical analysis of my situation would lean towards a cause of trauma rather than genetic as the primary explanation for my odd social behavior, but a medical component can't be ruled out. I believe it is a combination of being on the high functioning autism spectrum and the learned fear of any connection to another human. These were the people that time and time again hurt me, it's logical the avoidance