"Should I sleep with the girls? I don't want to invade your space you know?"
I lye messily on the floor with my feet on his bed reading a book while he sat atop his bed distracted with his phone. It was the most comfortable silence I had ever experienced.
"It's fine you can sleep in my bed, I'll sleep on the floor." I wasn't sure how I should feel about the suggestion. Part of me wanted to sleep with the girls because then I wouldn't have to think about the double meaning this had.
His mom walks into the room a few minutes later holding an air mattress, "Jess you sleeping in here or in Camila's room?"
I shrug looking at her letting her make the decision for me as the adult. Lilith rolls her eyes placing the air mattress in his room, not sensing any debauchery within the situation.
"No funny business, I'm too young to deal with kids." My eyes go extremely wide in discomfort, "Woah."
Not that I experienced it often, but I hated this kind of teasing from adults.
Jayden let's out a deep groan massaging his forehead awkwardly, neither of us knowing exactly how to respond to that. She snickers at both our reactions before kissing her son on his head and leaving.
I stand up to turn off the light but bump into his father who was making his nightly rounds.
"Oh, my bad." I apologize catching my balance.
"No worries kiddo," Diego waves away my concern and at his movement I'm filled with extraordinary uneasiness as the scent of cinnamon spice floods my nostrils, reminding me of my father.
I stared up at him for a moment longer than normal which didn't faze him in the slightest, he met my eyes with a hint of sympathy almost as though he could sense my loss and parental yearning.
"Sleep tight, we're down the hall if you need anything." Diego's words dripped with a sincerity that practically forced my lungs to stop operating.
He then looked at his son almost in warning, "Goodnight Jay." Jayden playfully salutes him, "Night dad."
Once he's gone I sigh somberly then flip the light switch and turn to Jayden's silhouette which I could faintly make out in the darkness.
"Which bed do you want?"
"Either is fine."
"That doesn't really help."
"I'll take the air mattress."
I roll my eyes deciding not to combat the decision, "Cool beans," then wait for him to hop off the bed before mounting it myself.
"Night."
It wasn't long before I sensed myself drifting away from consciousness, but eventually I began to toss and turn, my memories of the day plaguing my mind.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM."
"Don't you dare move an inch Jessica."
I look around trying to squint my eyes and see something, anything— everything was imperceptibly blurry and bright.
"Let the girl go!" My pupils dilate relentlessly in attempt to create some kind of focus.
"Jessica, you move even a little and I'll shoot you."
There was an inescapable desire to puke and fervent thirst within me.
"What's... what's going on?"
I feel a pang of pain explode in my back following the ring of a gunshot and suddenly I'm toppling over in paralysis.
I couldn't move, couldn't scream, only fade into nothingness.
When I rouse I'm drenched in sweat and panting with a solid hand over my mouth.
"You're going to wake up the whole house Cortez!" Jayden whisper shouts. My eyes scan the room in panic and disorientation before realizing where I was and that it was all just a horrible dream.
"Did you have a nightmare?" I nod in relief that that's all it was, shoving strands of stray curly hair out of my face trembling and breathing heavily as he drops his hand and goes back to his previous position on the floor.
"I don't think I can go back to sleep." I whisper my voice sounding hoarse.
"Oh god."
The sound of Jayden shifting on the air mattress fills the room and eventually I feel the dip of the bed that forces me to scoot over anticipating his imminent presence.
"Lay down." He encourages.
"I-I can't—"
Jayden sighs in what appeared to be an attempt to remain patient and understanding of my situation before he reaches for my arm sending shocks through my entire body and pulls me down to lay with him.
My torso instinctively moved closer to him in a desperate search of warmth that would quell my tremors but I went stiff at the recognition of my desire for his staggeringly comfortable proximity.
Jayden had probably been in this exact position with hundreds of other girls and I feared what his interpretation of the situation would be.
"Jay, this isn't—"
"Just go to sleep." He cuts me off in reassurance evidently sensing my bubbling anxiety.
I suppose if he had insulting intentions he would be trying to keep me awake or coaxing me to do something I don't want to. But he wasn't, his only pressing concerned seemed to be my well-being, and it was honestly a side of him I never expected. A large part of me wondered why he had the reputation of an emotionless serial player and what exactly I had done to earn a glance beyond the facade.
With growing exhaustion, my face lethargically falls upon his shoulder with ladened eyes and I focus on the faint sound of his pulse to find some semblance of peaceful slumber.
When I come to again the sun is beaming through the sides of his curtain covered window and there's a vague sound of chaos growing downstairs.
I roll my neck and stretch my limbs out feeling the physical exertion of my actions yesterday. Everything in me screamed to lay back down and allow my body more recuperation time but I knew Jayden's absence meant I was nearing tardiness.
With painful swiftness, I climb out of the messy covers and grab the bag placed on his desk to ready myself.
Once I'm done I head to the bathroom to take care of my hygiene secretly grateful for the fact that I had the entire upstairs area to myself to prepare without interruption or the pressure of conversation.
There was intermittent laughter and shouting that rung through the house which felt grossly unfamiliar in comparison to my cold household wherein there wasn't even an effort to greet each other in the morning.
I awkwardly make my way down the stairs nervously contemplating how I would naturally integrate with the group. Kaylee is the first to come into my view line and I observe her eating breakfast loudly while making effortless conversation with Camila and Diego.
As I approach the final steps, the three turn their attention to me in welcome which alerts the mother and son, who seemed to be discussing something important in the kitchen, to my presence.
Diego beckons me over and motions towards the food on the table in encouragement as Jayden takes a seat in one of the empty chairs and Lilith comes behind me placing her hands upon my shoulders in a deliberate manner.
"How did you sleep?" She questions, leading me towards one of the last empty chairs at the table.
"...Fine." Everyone ignored my cloddish tone going about their business.
Jayden appeared to be hurriedly trying to finish an assignment that was likely due today while Lilith began to serve me a plate of food laughing at something her husband said to the young girls beside him.
My eyes skeptically scan the room waiting for someone to snap me out of this fantasy. Instead I'm met with a full plate and a vitalizing smile.
"Jayden hurry up and drive all the girls to school." He scoffs rolling his eyes before directing his attention back to his assignment, "No see, I was planning on only taking myself to school. Screw everyone else." Lilith hits him upside the head for his snarky sarcasm which makes me cringe slightly in response while everyone else chuckles at the scene in unison.
"Alright, fine. Let's go." Jayden snatches his book bag and practice duffle off the floor standing up in irritation and I shove a few bites of food into my mouth while I still could before following the small crew that had traveled towards the front door.
We climb into the car and it dawned on me that this was the first time in a long time I had been driven to school by anyone other than my father.
Jayden bops his head along to the song on the radio with the girls chatting together in the background and me just staring out the window distractedly.
The calm before the storm.
Once we arrive at the school Jayden and I send our siblings on their way before sauntering inside. He begins to complain about the assignment he hadn't finished but had to turn in and I nod along with halfhearted attention until my intuition tells me to slow down the pace. My eyes almost instantly fall on my parents standing at the end of the hall seemingly having a heated discussion in front of the main office doors.
My palms go damp with sweat and I find myself fearfully frozen in place. My odd movements catch Jayden's attention and he tries to follow my eye-line to gain some context and understanding.
I wasn't sure why I hadn't anticipated them showing up to school in search of us when they had endured an entire night of absolute silence regarding our whereabouts.
Their stern positioning in the hallway was too close to my homeroom class to risk actually attending at this moment. I contemplated facing them and attempting to explain the situation in hopes of simmering their rage but there was no excuse I could find that would guarantee me any safety. The school day hasn't officially started and my attendance hadn't been marked yet so they wouldn't confront any issues with dragging me out of here.
"..Holy shit, holy shit..." I whispered repeatedly to myself as I considered the threat level, biting my lip so hard I was sure it would bleed.
"Hey. Relax." Jayden moves to calm my panic standing in front of me and blocking my view, in turn blocking theirs.
I was too busy unconsciously hyperventilating to focus on what he was saying.
"Cortez." He snaps in my face finally getting my attention. "Parents can't stay on school grounds past the first bell unless they're volunteers. Do your parents look like volunteers?" He slows his speech as though I'm a toddler but it was honestly what I needed in this exact moment. I shook my head answering his simple minded question trying to quell my intrusive symptoms of anxiety.
"So we stay out of their way till first bell. We warn our siblings and then we're good, alright?"
I nod finding some relief in the solid plan that felt almost stupidly obvious once uttered. "Great, let's go." He causally puts his arm around me trying to keep me from freaking out as he led me back outside and I wouldn't say it to his face but I really appreciated the gesture.
Jayden directs me towards the dugout on the baseball field not too far away from the school that was completely empty. We sit on the steel benches that had a mild bright red tint from the playing area dirt.
I sit uncomfortably stiff with my book bag clenched tightly in my grip watching as Jayden lazily drops his practice bag on the floor before gently prying my bag out of my hands to place it on top, effectively keeping it from getting dirty.
He stares off at the field and trees surrounding the diamond shaped arena unknowingly allowing me a few seconds to internally regulate.
"How bad does it get with your parents?" Jayden asks with noticeable hesitation still observing our surroundings.
There was a long pause of silence as cold wind smacked the concrete dome we resided in and I tried to decide how honest I should be.
"It's not pretty, I can tell you that much."
His eyes met mine and my stomach churned anticipating his next question.
"So why do you stay? You know they won't hurt Kaylee, why haven't you gone for help?"
"I don't know that. And I wouldn't even know where to go. Being a homeless young girl alone in a shelter always felt like a worse alternative to getting beat everyday."
Jayden clenched his jaw as he stumbled to find a way to argue with my logic.
"No one should have to endure that."
There was no plausible way to dissent his statement either, so we were left with two confounding truths.
"Can I ask you something?" He hums in response scanning my face for some indication of what was going through my head.
"Why do you... care so much?"
"What do you mean?"
"I just— I've always had this perception that you were the selfish school playboy. And the relationships you've been involved in never really contradicted that perspective... Now I feel like I've misjudged you."
Jayden sighs with a quiet chuckle that held no real amusement.
"I've never been too good at relationships."
"Why not?"
He went quiet looking back at the empty field and I worried that I had pried too much and offended him.
"I've found that girls fall for the mask I wear, so I never take it off, but eventually— it's exhausting. Being what everybody wants me to be is draining."
"So when someone starts to see through the mask you move on?"
Jayden nods mutely meeting my eyes with a hint of surprise, almost as though he hadn't predicted I would understand.
"What are you so afraid of?"
"That no one will like the actual me as much as the me I present."
"Why does that scare you so much?"
He shrugs with a genuine rumble of mirth.
"I don't know Cortez, that's why I envy you. You can't even fathom how deep that fear runs when you're socialized."
"Well I find it harder to yearn for something I've never had. People don't generally like me."
The amusement leaves his face as I weakly laugh to myself looking at my shoes.
"I do." My eyebrow quirks as I meet his eyes.
"I should terrify you Gonzalez."
"Because of your parents?"
"That— and I saw through your facade within days of actually talking to you."
Jayden's laid back and collected persona paled upon the impact of my words, not knowing how to feel about the realization.
"And what conclusion have you come to?"
I stare at him finally feeling completely at peace with being in his company. The lingering worry I held about his intentions faded away as it hit me that his fascination and allure towards me circled around the fact that he predicted I was the one person he could be unapologetically himself with, free of judgement due to how harshly I've been judged for choosing to ignore social expectations and remain staunchly reserved.
"That this Jayden is infinitely more enjoyable than the one you pretend to be."
His lips contort into a smirk and he breaks our eye contact to seemingly process my statement.
The bell rings echoing through the dugout and I stand with a sigh of relief grateful that the suspense of my expected downfall was over, I could go to class without fearing a deadly interference.
Jayden mirrors my actions lifting my bag and his, leading the way back towards our building.
As we near our homeroom Jayden slides my bag off his shoulder and passes it back to me. I take it feeling timid as Kevin Borelli and Andre Durant watched the exchange from afar leaning on the adjacent lockers.
Jayden watched as the heat flooded my face and mistook it for rebounding stress.
"Look, if your parents show up at any point just..." He struggled to form words of advice that would soothe me.
"Ten feet." I offer making his eyebrow quirk as he casually tilted his body weight onto the wall.
"What?"
"Ten feet. It's a thing I say. I just have to keep putting ten feet in between life and death."
The corner of Jayden's mouth lifts while he shakes his head amused, "Ten feet, just keep putting those ten feet dork."
I couldn't help the involuntarily minuscule smile at his encouragement. He looked at me admiringly for a bit with an evolving smirk and mysterious gleam in his eyes, and I found myself distracted with trying to fully understand his true character.
Jayden catches me staring at him and I instinctively shift my focus down towards the ground trying to conceal any sign of nerves. He was just a boy. An attractive and intriguingly complicated one but still just a guy.
"Why are you looking at the floor?" He questions and I could hear the foreign traces of delight in his voice.
"I just—like my shoes. There're very um.. in style."
Jayden snickers at my weak cover up suddenly pulling my arm with swift boldness so I was now inches away from his body and no longer rocking on the balls of my feet. I could practically hear his heartbeat and feel his body heat from how close to him I was standing.
I sharply inhaled then stopped breathing altogether.
He slowly leans down so he was now directly next to my ear, "Still thinking about your shoes Cortez?" The depth and smoothness of his tone makes my insides tingle and cheeks flush abruptly.
"Hey Gonzalez! Coach excused us from class so we could fit in a session before the game. You coming?"
Jayden backs up slightly and holds my gaze for a another few seconds before fully releasing me and taking a few steps backwards with a horribly hidden grin.
"Have a good day at school Cortez." I roll my eyes wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans finally feeling like I could breathe normally again before shaking my head with an ineliminable grin of my own and turning to walk into class.
I quickly take my seat and start to tap my pencil lightly as I turned over the events of the past two days.
Not only had I snuck away from my violent parents and taken their favorite child with me but I had used one of the most well known boys in my schools house as my refuge, and found out in the process that he is so much more than what he pretends to be. On top of that he seemed to be somewhat interested in me and my well being and though the reasoning was more clear to me now I still failed to comprehend his inclination towards me beyond nonjudgmental friendship.
I knew I was beautiful underneath my scars and thinning outline. Though I felt average even on a good day, if I removed the bias of festering self hatred it was inarguable that I was genetically given desirable features. My scalp held a manageable dark brown curl pattern that was never naturally flat but not kinky enough to cause ample frustration. My eyes gleamed a soft auburn color that complemented the lightskin tan of my complexion. And my figure, though delayed in development and somewhat sunken from lack of proper nutrition, had the potential to be fetching.
But even with an analysis like that I couldn't convince myself that a guy like Jayden Gonzalez could be attracted to me in any way.
The school day floated past my eyes in what felt like seconds. As the hours rolled by and the class lectures flowed in one ear and out the other I only grew more nauseously apprehensive.
By the final bell I was a fragile mess on the verge of collapsing.
Outside of the school building Camila and Kaylee were rambling and practically pacing, filled with unextinguished energy from the day, making Jayden laugh as he tried to give them his undivided attention.
I walk over slowly and carefully as to not let my knees buckle under the pressure. When I reach them I hesitate speaking to avoid allowing my voice to give away how intimidated I was by the prospect of facing the music.
"Come on Kaylee... we have to go home." The excited chatter ceases.
Jayden stares at me perplexed and with resolute observation as I avoided his gaze knowing he would convince me to just stay another night at his house.
"Cortez there is no way you're going back tonight, or at least not right now." I finally look up at him, "Jayden if I postpone it, it will only be worse. My parents don't simmer down they only get angrier. If I let them... get all their anger out tonight. I'll be fine..." I tried to convince myself while convincing him.
It was understood that I had to face the wrath of my parents sooner or later. If I ignored the problem today they would only show up here tomorrow and be ten times more persistent.
"Jessica do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?" I knew he was in no mood to joke around when he called me "Jessica" instead of "Cortez."
"I can't run away forever." I catch Kaylee out of the corner of my eye staring up at me horrified that I was actually suggesting we go back, but what did she really expect? Me running away was one thing but they would stop at nothing to get their baby back. Deep down she knew we had to and neither of them were going to persuade me otherwise, a fact that evidently made him appear defeated as he realized it.
"If anything happens Jess... just come over. I don't care how long you have to stay just don't— don't do anything stupid."
Though the feeling of having someone worry about me was foreign and almost irritating, I couldn't help but vehemently appreciate it.
With numbness, I nod instead of responding grabbing Kaylee and dragging her along with me, mentally preparing myself for what was to come.
"Jess I'm sorry." I look down at her snapping out of my daze to piece together what she was talking about. "If I hadn't pushed you to go through with this you wouldn't be in so much trouble. I should have been protecting you. It's my job to protect you."
We stop walking, I pull her close to me and kiss the top of her head not minding the momentary distraction. "It is not your job to protect me. Don't blame yourself for things that have nothing to do with you." The irony of my advice was that I constantly chastised myself for a number of worldly problems unrelated to me.
As soon as I saw she was calm I released her and started rubbing my temples, forcing my feet to keep moving forward. It took everything in me to appear strong when I really just wanted to disintegrate in terror and give up. I could drop Kaylee off and then run, but what are the odds of that actually working? They were probably standing by the window waiting on our arrival and as soon as I came close to the front door they'd shoot me down.
I guess at this moment all I could really do was try to imagine how blissful death would be and put in my guess for how the afterlife looked because it was likely I would be finding out soon.
We reach our front door and I felt myself shrinking with unease as Kaylee stepped forward to unlock it.
Once the door swung open I was blasted in the face with the stench of alcohol and putrid cigarettes. My wary eyes scan the foggy room and I count three empty liquor bottles on the dining room table and a half full one positioned in front of Christian who was sprawled out on the couch appearing dead to the world.
I noiselessly shut the door and direct Kaylee towards the stairs careful not to break the silence in any way.
When we reach the top of the stairs I'm startled by my mother's groggy figure slumped over on the floor in front of her bedroom with a glass of wine spilled over on her lap.
I waver between my desire to lock myself in my room granting myself another night of peace and helping the woman who has ruined my childhood.
Kaylee looks at me with wide intense eyes signaling to me onward with alarm as I reached towards my mother and began to struggle lifting her by her armpits.
"What are you doing?" She shouts in a whisper.
"Just go to your room and close the door."
Her face contorted in reluctance before she heeded my instructions turning to leave as I dragged my mother into her room.
It took ample effort to lift her dead weight onto the bed but I eventually succeeded with a grunt of exertion.
As I placed my hands on my hips catching my breath I see her begin to stir and my instincts demand me to run.
"Jessi bear?" Despite the painful screams of my intuition I take a step closer to her surprised to hear the nickname she often used on me when I was a little girl.
"Yeah mom?"
"You know you— you ruined my life."
I sigh overwhelmed with disappointment and take a cautious seat at the edge of her bed.
"I know ma."
My mother's body trembled as she begins to sob uncontrollably. I watch the scene from a decent distance in shock, not knowing what an appropriate response would be.
"I can't believe we drove him away." She was in hysterics at this point but I was mainly taken aback by her statement of shared accountability. Whenever she spoke of my father and his abandonment she never admitted to having any part in it.
"It's okay mom, calm down." Part of me wanted to rub her back and soothe her but the other more evil part of me wanted to revel in her pain.
"I loved him— so much." She continues, burying her face in the sheets in a drunken frenzy.
The still drying stains from the wine on her lap began transferring to the pastel colored sheets of her bed but she didn't seem to mind or even notice.
"Then why... why did you cheat on him?" I ask hesitantly almost expecting her to snap out of it and smack me across the face in retaliation. Instead she slowly quiets her sobs and lifts her head slightly to look at me with blood shot eyes.
"Because I worried he loved you more than me." The sincerity of the vulnerable statement threatened to shatter me. Kaila was never one to share her insecurities and honest thoughts, it's what drove her towards another man instead of attempting to communicate with my father.
"He loved you mom, why did it matter who he loved more?" I choked out pushing away my urge to cry alongside her.
"I don't know Jessi bear, now we're both worse off because of it."
"What do you mean?" My eyebrows furrowed as I desperately searched her face for answers.
"You think you have it bad, try being married to him."
It suddenly dawned on me that if Christian had no problem hitting me as a child and no issue adding Kaylee to the mix with a plan to eventually replace her, he would find no difficulty with smacking his wife around to get what he wanted.
It was no wonder she hated me. After she was able to persuade herself into believing that I drove my father away, it was likely even easier to convince herself that I drove her towards the sick man she married and still dealt with today.
I begin to look at my mother with new observant eyes free of hatred and suddenly full of worry as I scanned her body. I spotted the residue of healing bruises all along her arms and neck that filled me with a rage I didn't even feel towards my own beatings.
"How—"
"I'm sorry Jessi bear but it's easier to let him take his frustrations out on you than on me."
Kaila's tears resume but they were less manic and emotional now, more self pity centered.
"Why would you let him hurt either of us?"
"I—I'm not a strong woman."
I couldn't understand why I felt like my world was imploding and crashing down around me. Yet through all the chaos I could almost see a glimmer of hope.
"Let's just leave mom. We don't have to deal with him, we grab Kaylee and we go somewhere far, start fresh."
The thought of leaving Jayden and his family after everything they had done for me was agonizing but if this was my way out I'd be insane not to take it.
"With what money Jessi bear? I never finished school, all my money is his, he's attached to all my credit cards, there's nowhere to run."
I was frantic at this point on the verge of shouting but I fully refrained knowing this conversation would immediately end if Christian arose.
"I can take a break from school and get a job, you can get a full time somewhere that doesn't require a degree. We can make it work."
She begins to laugh lazily her eyes beginning to droop as she cradled her head in her arms.
"Christian De la Cruz owns us."
"But he doesn't have to— it doesn't have to be this way."
"...He owns us."
Kaila repeats almost as if it were subconscious second nature at this point, a phrase that had been drilled into her so deeply she would never forget or challenge it.
I watch in defeat as sleep overtakes her killing all traces of hope in me. There was no going backwards with my mother, no chance of starting anew, the damage has already been done and she was way too far gone. My only hope was to make sure Kaylee and I didn't get stuck in a similar fashion.
I silently stand wiping the stray tear on my face that betrayed me and traveled to my room finding Kaylee asleep on my bed instead of her own. I only sigh in response and climb in next to her after kicking off my shoes and lay flat on my back staring up at my ceiling fan.
Although it was still early afternoon, the exhaustion of my day began to creep in along with the temporary security in knowing my assailants were both in a drunken rest which allowed sleep to take over me.
"I promise Jessi bear, one day we're going to move to a huge castle together with hundreds of rooms and people asking how they can make your day better."
"Just us?"
"Well mommy too of course."
I faced my father sitting on his lap as both my hands clenched his fingers tightly. The strain on having to work and go to school made his eyes appear sunken but I hardly took notice.
All I could focus on was the whimsical nature of his tone as he promised me the world and more.
"But mommy is gone all the time, how can she come to our castle?"
Being the one who watched me at night meant my mother hardly saw me when I was awake, which created an unbreakable bond between my father and I.
"Once we have our castle, mommy and I will never have to work or go to school again." He bounces me on his lap which only increased my giggles of excitement.
"How far away is it daddy?"
"Only ten more feet."