• alexa, play mirrors by justin timberlake
• hey guys, im so sorry this update took so long. life has been a mess but i promise to be more consistent.
• also, aot ended! i have not been okay since lol. literally started it when i was 12 and now im 22 and now it's gone. can't even tell yall how many times ive cried over sasha and eremika since lol. if it weren't for aot tho i wouldn't be here writing these silly fanfics and i still cannot believe i wrote one that so many people enjoyed so literally love yall so much. like genuinely cannot thank you enough 🫶🏻🩷
• anyway, yall are here for jean but i only give you more sadness for now.... enjoy :)
—————————
You eventually left the shower floor and found the energy to to make yourself food which lead you to where you were now, mindlessly picking at your plate as you stared blankly at the table in front of you.
Your shaky hand forced the fork up to your mouth, almost gagging as you took a bite of the food, not feeling well enough to eat but knowing if you didn't you'd only feel worse. You couldn't think of anything positive, anything good that would stop your occasional crying, because quite frankly, everything was miserable.
You felt so angry about Kendra and then arguing with Jean, yet so heart broken and upset that instead of talking it out, you both let your anger speak for you, and now you once again lost him. Guilt also sat heavy in your gut because of what happened between you and Connie which also left you disgusted with yourself yet somewhat relieved that nothing more happened.
You contemplated texting Jean over and over but figured it was for the best if you waited- wanting to organize your own thoughts and feelings before attempting to fix things, if it were even possible at this point.
Your heavy head slowly turned to the front door, another knock feeling as if it were pounding into your skull. You sighed, forcing yourself to stand from the chair, dropping your fork onto the plate, the metal hitting the glass with a loud 'clank' which furthered the ache of your brain as your shaky legs carried you to the door.
You found Mikasa, Hitch, Sasha, and Annie on the other side, Annie instantly moving in to engulf you in a hug. "We were so worried about you last night." She sighed, leaning back as her hands met your shoulders. "Is everything okay?" She asked, that question making you choke up as you slowly shook your head.
"Do you just not feel good or?" Sasha asked, stepping into your apartment with the others behind her. She lifted her arm, raising her tote bag up. "We brought snacks and stuff since all of us are pretty hung over." She gave you a small smile which you returned but you could feel your heartstrings pulling and tugging at the subtle gesture, which made you only want to cry even more.
"Eren said Jean was mumbling about it... did something happen between you two?" Mikasa asked, a look of concern dusted on her face and your slow nod before the tears swelled in your eyes gave her the answer she needed.
"It's okay." Mikasa wrapped her arm lovingly around your shoulder, slowly walking you past the now cold plate of barley eaten food that sat on your table and over to the couch that only made your stomach turn even more, remembering what happened in that exact spot. "I can't sit here." You shook your head, taking a step back from the girl.
"What happened?" Hitch asked, the look on her face showing confusion and concern as she watched your nervous expression.
Annie's eyebrows furrowed, knowing you had left with Connie, leaving only one scenario in her head that would lead to your current discomfort. "Did you sleep with him?" She asked, your stomach hitting the floor at her question. No, you'd didn't, but the kiss itself felt so intimate, you felt you practically did. Through pursed lips and a deep breath, you shook your head. "We kissed..." you trailed off.
"Wait, who?" Sasha gave a confused look as she looked between the rest of the girls, all of them shrugging before they looked to Annie and back to you, your eyes swelling with tears again. "I'm so fucking stupid." You choked out.
"Connie." Annie sighed.
"Constance?!" Sasha gasped. "What about Jean?" She looked back to you with a panicked expression, only furthering the ache in your gut, your hand reaching around your lower stomach to hug yourself. "We..." you felt your throat swell and your eyes grow watery as you shook your head.
Hitch frowned, walking over to you as she slowly took your hand. "Let's just sit down, relax, and you can tell us what happened, if you're comfortable, of course." She said softly, walking you to the recliner instead of the couch. You nodded, sitting down onto the chair before bringing your feet up, balling yourself up in a saddened and anxious manner.
And it all spilled out.
Not easily and it took multiple breakdowns to get the words out but you eventually managed to spill the entire story, leaving all of your friends pretty shocked to say the least.
"First off, it's technically not cheating if you're not together anymore but also technically you guys weren't together in the first place." Hitch tried to reason, but she knew it wasn't right in the first place and so did you. You frowned, eyes averting to the floor as you peeled more skin from your lip. "It doesn't make it right." You whispered.
"I know." Hitch frowned.
"Maybe just don't tell Jean?" Sasha gave a half smile, but you just shook your head in return. "Sasha, I garuntee Connie already told him." You looked over to her, the saddened look deep in your eyes making your heart shatter.
But you were right.
Because Connie currently paced Jean's apartment, nervous that he was about to get thrown out of his window and down to the concrete to die.
"What do we need to talk about?" Jean blankly stared at Connie, knowing what he wanted to say wasn't any good. Connie picked at his lip, his nerves at an all time high as he thought about how to say what he wanted to, but Jean felt like shit and was growing impatient with his friend. "Dude, I don't have all day, I have shit I gotta deal with." He glared, his leg bouncing in anticipation, arms crossed as he leaned against the back of his couch.
Connie took a deep breath, turning to Jean. "Look, it's my fault." He started, Jean just growing more confused. "Spit it out." He frowned.
"I can't." Connie shook his head which only made Jean grow more agitated. "Dude-" "Okay!" And then Connie spoke. "We were really drunk, like really really drunk, and she was emotional and vulnerable and I took advantage of that and it was wrong and a mistake-" Connie spewed out his words and Jean's mind went to the worst case scenario. "Are you trying to tell me you fucked y/n?" Jean stood from the couch, stepping towards Connie who instantly cowered down, backing away. "No no no." He frantically shook his head. "We just kissed." He replied.
Jean felt everything in his being collapse, his heart, his gut, and his mind felt as if it were being crushed. Sure, he knew he was in the wrong for what he did too, and he knew you had split- which in a way made it not wrong- but he couldn't help but feel so betrayed by not only you but by Connie. "Just kissed? Like you "just kissed" my ex?" Jean felt his jaw tighten, his cold gaze scaring Connie to no end as he spoke with panic. "Look, it was intimate, like super intimate, and I'm sorry because it was my fault-" "That doesn't make it any fucking better." Jean's fists clenched by his side. "I wanna know every fucking detail."
"Look..." Connie coward further away until his back hit the wall, another deep breath escaping his lips as he avoided eye contact with Jean, attempting to remember every little thing. "I was drunk, she was too, we both barely remember it." He looked back to Jean, hoping he would calm down. "We were just sitting there and I started to get flirty and I hinted it and then she climbed onto me and it just happened."
"She climbed onto you?" Jean stepped closer, scaring Connie even more. "So, she is the one who initiated it-" "No!" Connie cut him off. "It was all me- I swear." He shook his head. "I laid her down. I kissed her. I touched her. It was me." He stressed, not wanting any blame to be on you.
"You touched her?! The fuck do you mean you touched her?! And you want me to believe you didn't fuck her?!" Jean now stood directly in front of his friend, his heartbeat so rapid to the point he felt light headed. His anxiety and anger were getting the best of him and he didn't know what to do with these feelings. He wanted to punch Connie, but he knew he'd be in the wrong.
Connie swallowed thickly, trying to push through the hangover and ignore the throbbing in his skull. "We didn't have sex. I swear." Connie replied, "I just- I don't know. I don't remember." He shook his head. "I know I didn't like touch touch her but my hands were... exploring-" "You fucking idiot." Jean reached up, shoving Connie's shoulders until they hit the wall. "I can't be mad at her- whatever- we split and I fucked up too but you-" He brought his index finger to Connie's chest, pressing hard. "You had no right! You of all fucking people know how fucking much she means to me and I've overlooked all the attraction you had towards her- fuck, I even let you dance with her at the fucking club- but now the second her and I split you jump into the fucking act?! Seriously?! What kind of fucking friend are you?!"
"Jean, I'm sorry. I stopped the second I realized and I instantly felt bad." Connie choked up, "I didn't want that to happen and everything I say is jokes, man. She's my friend, I wasn't thinking- she wasn't thinking." He tried to reason, but Jean's mind was clouded and he didn't wanna listen to anything he said. "Maybe if for once you'd use your fucking brain and stop thinking with your dick, shit like this wouldn't happen! You had no right-" "I know!" Connie yelled back. "That's why I'm here telling you!"
And Jean snapped, bringing his hands up to shove Connie against the wall again but this time with much more force, knocking the wind out of him for a brief second. Connie let out a small cough, looking at Jean in disbelief as he attempted to catch his breath.
Jean had a temper, that was known by everyone in his life, but he had never put his hands on one of his friends. A push that truly didn't cause any severe pain to Connie, but it was enough to make Jean come to his senses and to process just how fucked everything currently was, and how hard it was going to fix.
He looked at the fear etched on Connie's face, Jean instantly feeling bad about his actions. His breath hitched, his throat closed, and his lips pursed tightly as he took a shaky step back from Connie. "I-I'm sorry." He choked up, his eyes narrowing as tears swelled, blinking to free him of the blurry vision. "I-I just. Dude- I-" he stuttered, feeling all of his emotions from last night to now hitting him like a train at full force, and Connie noticed the shift instantly, making him gather himself. "You don't have to apologize." He shook his head, "I deserved that."
"I fucked up, dude." Jean stressed, reaching up to wipe his tears as he turned away from Connie who couldn't help but feel extremely guilty right now. "You didn't do anything." Connie tried to reassure but Jean just shook his head. "She was here. I kissed her. She stayed the night. I should've just told her to fucking leave but she was so desperate and I just-" "What are you talking about? Who?" Connie gave Jean a confused look, stepping closer to him.
Jean turned back to Connie, wiping more guilty tears from his eyes. "Her." He said again, not even wanting to say her name right now, the thought alone making him want to throw up. Connie's eyebrows only sunk more, "Dude- I don't know-" "Now is not the time to act stupid." Jean let out a frustrated huff, shaking his head as he drug his arm across his wet eyes, walking back towards the couch.
"Bro- I don't know what happened last night." Connie argued. "Well... other than that but I don't know who you left with-" "Fucking Kendra." Jean said back, her name tasting like poison on his tongue. "She came here and just- fuck."
Connie looked to the side for a moment before looking back to Jean, quick to defend his own actions. "Now- I know what I said was bad- but I feel what I did was only fair-" "You kissing the girl that I have been in love with since I was a kid isn't fair no matter the fucking circumstances." Jean glared towards Connie who just brought his arms up in defense. "Look, I'm sorry, genuinely, I didn't want this to happen." He frowned. "I joke but you know I'd never disrespect you like that-" "Well, you did." Jean cut him off, making Connie purse his lips, their eye contact intense enough to make anyone nervous.
There was a thick silence that fell between the two. Connie leaned his back against the wall, hugging his arms over his chest. "I'm sorry. Deeply. Please, just be upset with me, not her. She didn't do anything wrong. She was hurt and vulnerable and I took advantage of that." Connie put every bit of the blame on himself, feeling as if you did nothing wrong and he wanted Jean to understand that more than anything.
But you sat on the opposite end and put all of the blame on yourself, feeling as if Connie did nothing wrong and you made the choice to initiate what had happened.
And Jean blamed himself. Jean felt that if he never reacted the way he did about you fighting Kendra, none of this would've happened. He felt it could've gone differently if it weren't for him starting that silly argument with you.
Jean's head ended up in his hands, his palms growing wet from the tears, his headache growing worse with every passing second. Jean couldn't hold back anything anymore. He couldn't bring it in himself to feel numb anymore.
Connie held a heavy frown, his heart breaking as he watched his friend break down, looking weaker than he ever had before, knowing he was the partial cause of that pain. "Jean, I-" Jean shook his head, wiping more tears before he cut his friend off. "Look, just go. I need to be alone." He sighed.
"Jean, I think you need someone to-" "Connie just fucking go." Jean retorted, his teeth seething together as he looked away from his friend. "I need to get my mind right before I deal with you- and Marco- and y/n."
"Marco?" Connie's eyebrows furrowed before Jean sighed. "It's a long story... please just go." He was defeated, watching his friend's face sink even further. Jean didn't want to push him away, but he didn't want to say anything he didn't mean to anybody he cared about, so he needed time to think and Connie's presence was only going to make it harder for him.
"Okay," Connie pursed his lips before he pushed his exhausted body from the wall, walking towards the door. "If you need anything, I'm here man." He gave a weak smile, Jean not even responding as his friend left the apartment, the clicking of the door leaving him in complete silence once again.
Glued to the couch, as if he were cemented to it, his skin sinking into the cushions as he once again stared ahead. This spot made him anxious, sitting here like an empty shell, remembering everything that happened in this very spot, yet he couldn't bring himself to move. The anxiety grew more and more yet he stayed there.
All he could think about was you. Every single aspect of your entire being took over his thoughts, consumed him as a whole. And so his eyes closed, his head leaning back as he pictured you.
~ 8 years ago ~
Homecoming.
A night some high schoolers thought was stupid and not worth the money, time or effort, but you and Jean didn't think that. Jean in general enjoyed dressing himself up, boosting his teenage arrogance even more- but that wasn't his favorite part of the school dance- his favorite part was seeing you in your overpriced dress that fit you in the most elegant way, adorned by your favorite color.
It was 12 am, after the dance, and after the after-party that was hosted by the seniors. You and Jean were tipsy and running back to your house, your giggles echoing throughout the neighborhood in the night. Your heels hung loose in your fingers, your spare hand holding up your dress from dragging against the concrete as you moved. Jean paced close behind you, a giddy smile on his face as he tried not to trip over his dress shoes. His tie hung loosened around his neck, brushing his skin through the few undone buttons on his dress shirt.
You both had one thing on your curious teenage minds, which is the exact reason you were rushing to get back to your house.
You eventually stumbled onto your porch, trying your best to stay quiet as you turned to Jean, another giggle escaping your mouth before you brought your pointer finger up to your lips, shushing the boy before you. He smirked, grabbing your waist before pulling you closer to him. His palms were sweating, anticipation coursing through his veins as he brought his lips to yours in a nervous yet eager kiss.
"Jean." You giggled out his name, his hands squeezing your hips tighter as he broke the kiss, his wide smile mirroring yours. "You're gonna get me in trouble." You whispered, knowing if your parents caught you still out this late with Jean you'd get the lecture of a lifetime.
Jean's smile leaned into a smirk as one of your hands moved to clutch around his hanging tie. "We'll be quiet. I've snuck in before, they'll never know." He leaned down, his lips placing soft kisses to your neck, a feeling you've never felt before sitting low in your stomach, your body burning up from his touch alone. Your eyes closed, your hand tightening around the silky tie, "I'm scared." You confessed.
"Why?" Jean asked, leaning back from you, not wanting you to feel uncomfortable in any way. You looked away from him, your face heating up. "I've never done something like that before and I've heard it hurts and stuff so...." This felt like such a stupid thing to say, because neither of you knew what you were doing, because neither of you had really discussed something like this before. Jean was incredibly respectful on the topic of 'sex' because you were both young and he never wanted to overstep any boundaries with you.
But tonight you had both expressed the interest over a buzzed conversation in the basement of some senior's house.
"We don't have to." Jean gave you a gentle smile, also feeling a bit anxious about the entire thing himself. "I still want to come cuddle for a little bit though." He leaned forward, kissing your forehead, the small gesture making your nerves relax. "No- we can." You replied in your flustered state, Jean finding it rather adorable. "Are you sure, my love?" He asked, his fingers gently cupping your chin as his soft eyes searched yours. You nodded, "Yes." You whispered back.
So, through another soft giggle and another mischievous smile, you went back into your house as quietly as possible, running up the stairs and to your bedroom.
You tossed your heels and small clutch bag onto the bed before going over to your window, unlocking it and lifting it before leaning out, Jean waiting at the bottom. "Come on." You whispered, motioning your arm for him to start climbing.
This was something you both did often, the biggest perk of your relationship being the fact you were neighbors, meaning it was a common reoccurrence for him to sneak out through his window and climb up to yours. Something you typically only saw in movies, so to live it was even better.
He pulled himself onto the roof before walking towards your window and climbing in, instantly connecting his lips with yours as he entered.
You smiled, your hands meeting his cheeks as your lips danced into a kiss that was so different from the others you've shared with him. This one was sloppy, rough, filled with desire and need that both of you anticipated.
Jean walked you back towards your bed, laying you down onto the soft mattress as the kiss deepened. There was something you had never felt before coursing through you. Your mind growing foggy the more you thought about what was to come. Jean leaned back, looking down at your puffy lips. "Are you positive?" He asked again. "Are you?" you shot the question back, watching him smile. "I am if you are."
"You're a pain." You giggled, grabbing his tie and pulling him back down into the kiss.
And that night was the first time you and him had ever connected so close. So deeply. The closest you can get to another human being, tying your souls together in the most passionate and intimate way.
Jean held you close, your sweaty bodies hidden under your thick comforter. He smiled, still in awe of what had just occurred. "I love you." Jean whispered and though this wasn't the first time he said it, it somehow held a deeper meaning than all of the little 'I love yous' before.
You smiled, leaning into him even more, still flustered and warm. "I love you." You replied.
~ present day ~
Your eyes opened, your headache coming back instantly. A dream. A memory. That's all it was. And here you were, back to the reality of the situation.
"Are you okay?" Mikasa asked, noticing you were awake.
The other girls had went home but Mikasa refused to leave you alone, knowing you were in a bad state right now. You sat up, your entire body aching, the same as it did prior to your nap. You felt yourself choke up instantly, remembering your little dream that wasn't a dream- a past memory. "I need him." You shook your head, reaching up to wipe your tears that flooded out in seconds.
"Y/n..." Mikasa frowned, walking over to sit down next to you, instantly engulfing you into a tight hug. "Do you wanna go over to his apartment? I'll go with you." She gave a soft smile. "I'm sure he wants to talk to you as well."
You thought for a second, because truly, you wanted too. You wanted to talk to him more than anything, but you knew it wasn't the time. You had to think things through and get yourself together before approaching the situation. "I need time." You sighed, leaning back from Mikasa. "How it's looking right now though... I can't imagine us getting back together and it being healthy." You hated saying that out loud but it was clear you both had personal issues to work on before being together again- at least that's how you saw it.
Mikasa gave you a frown, her hand reaching out to sit on your knee. "I think you both have toxic traits to unlearn and not project towards each other but I don't think that means you can't form a healthy bond."
"I kissed his best friend.... I can't go back from that." You looked away from Mika, your hands growing shaky again. "It's over."
"Look, I may not know Jean like you know Jean, but I know when it comes to you, he's the most understanding person there is. That man would do absolutely anything for you. If you explain the situation- I don't think it'll end as badly as you're picturing." She reassured, not wanting you to think it's the end of the world. "Just give it a few days- collect your thoughts and emotions- and then try to talk to him."
"I just... I wish things were different. All of this could've been avoided if I had just stayed home with him." You felt your eyes swell again. "My life has been nothing but hell recently. Fuck- I was on the verge of killing myself because of Reiner and finally I saw a fucking positive light when Jean showed back up and now it's gone and I don't know what to do with myself. I just feel empty and sad and-" you stopped your rant as your breath hitched and more tears fell. You had never felt so disheveled and weak before. As if absolutely nothing happening in your life was working out for the better- and you just needed a break.
"Do you want me to stay over? We can just hang out and watch movies the rest of the day. I'll even stop and get us breakfast before work tomorrow." Mika offered, reaching up to push her dark hair behind her ear with her long nails. "I'll go home and let Eren know and pack a bag." She offered.
"You don't have to..." you sighed, not wanting to burden her with any sort of negativity.
She shook her head, "I insist." She gave a sweet smile, standing from your couch. "Will you be okay by yourself for a little bit?" She asked, grabbing her purse from the recliner. You nodded, "yeah." You forced out a smile, the small gesture making Miaksa smile in return. "Okay, I'll be right back." She nodded before making her way out of your apartment.
You were anxious sitting alone, you couldn't lie, but it's not like you had any other choice and it was only for a short period of time. So, you sat in the same spot on the couch, avoiding your phone at all costs since it was bound to only make your anxiety worse- hoping Jean would reach out.
What felt like five hours was actually only five minutes before there was a knock on your door, the sound only making your anxiety worsen- thinking the worst.
You sat still for a few seconds, allowing another knock to echo before you heard your brother's voice call your name, the breath you'd been holding in instantly releasing as you realized who it was.
You forced your shaky legs off of the couch, the warm comfort of your position vanishing as the cold air hit you, making you feel worse. You hugged yourself as you walked to the door, swinging it open to see Markus who was clearly taken aback by your appearance. "Woah you look ugly as hell." He snickered, your shoulders sinking as you glared up at him. "Fuck off-" you went to swing the door shut but he stopped it, letting himself inside. "Was gonna come brag about the super model I hooked up with last night but I'm assuming there's bigger news." He sarcastically stated, concluding that you were clearly upset about something that he missed out on.
You didn't respond as you made your way back to your sunken cushions of the couch, the warmth once again hugging you. Markus followed, sitting on the recliner before examining the mess that you were. "So..." he awkwardly trailed off. "Should I be worried?"
"To sum it up-" you took a deep breath, wanting to say everything without crying. "Kendra and I got into a fist fight- I won- Jean and I started arguing- we split up- and then Connie and I kissed and now I want to kill myself."
"You and Connie kissed?!" His eyes widened. "Dude, you're wrong for that-" "I fucking know, Markus." You cut him off, knowing your brother wasn't gonna hold back and it would only make you feel worse. "Why do you think I am like this right now? Because I'm innocent?" You sarcastically asked, your brother looking away for a brief second before looking back to you. "You can lose the attitude." He pointed, only trying to tease you to cheer you up but you weren't in the mood for it in the slightest. "Markus-" "I'm sorry." He quickly apologized.
There was a moment of silence before Markus spoke again, "Have you talked to him at all?" He asked, watching your saddened expression sink further as you sniffled. "No," you said plainly, staring at the floor ahead of you. Markus pursed his lips before looking away again. "Well, have you eaten anything?" He asked, looking back to you as you slowly nodded. "A little. Mika is bringing food over." You replied.
More silence fell between the two of you. Markus listening to your shaky breathing and your occasional sniffling that broke his heart more than a brother would like to admit.
He looked over to you for a brief second before looking away. Moments like this were always awkward between you two. Normally, when you were upset with something, he'd just say stupid shit until you were laughing, but he felt this time you needed genuine help, and he normally wasn't super good at these types of things. He cleared his throat, bringing his hands together. "Look, I may not be the wisest..." he paused, leaning back into the chair. "But I think you and Jean need to just lets things be." He gave you a gentle smile.
You wiped your puffy eyes before wiping your nose again. "What do you mean?" You asked, tuning in to what he wanted to say. Markus shrugged, "exactly what I said." He leaned his elbow onto the arm of the chair, positioning himself to face you more. "You both have sat here acting like a couple, doing everything a couple does, yet saying it's not a 'relationship' but why? So what you both came out of relationships, you were BOTH miserable, it's so clear that you want to be together so, just be together."
"It's not that easy-" he cut off your retaliation, "Why not?" He asked. "If you weren't ready you wouldn't have given him any part of your heart and you already have." His words sat with you for a moment, leaving another silence to fall between you both as you looked away from him, knowing he was right. Markus continued, "You guys are too focused on it going wrong and thinking of the worst instead of just letting things be." He gave you another smile. "I to this day remember the night you walked into the house after I snooped in on your conversation of him calling you his "girlfriend" on our front porch." He laughed. "And then me having to drive you guys to all your dates and having to hide the fact he snuck into your room multiple times, and having to deal with how cringe you guys were all over social media." He teased. "I was happy for you when you got with Reiner because I had hope but even I knew Jean was always gonna be the one. Even then, I wish I would've just slapped you both and told you to not break up because of something so stupid as temporary long distance."
More silence as you processed his words, knowing he was serious. Markus just watched you think, as if he could see the gears turning. "Too sappy?" He laughed.
You were able to pinch out a small laugh, wiping another loose tear as you shook your head. "No," you choked out. "You're absolutely right."
"Never thought I'd see the day where you admit I'm right-" "Don't ruin it." You glared, making him laugh again. "Look, I'm telling you what mom and dad would both tell you too." He pointed his index finger to you, "So, when you get yourself together and talk to him about everything, I want you both to just let it happen."
You nodded again, "I can't promise he'll forgive me-" "I know Jean too. I also grew up with him." Markus laughed. "You guys will be okay, I promise." He gave a gentle smile to which you returned, feeling more comfort than you did before about everything.
"Do you want me to stay here?" He offered to which you shook your head. "No, that's okay." You rejected the offer. "Mika is staying with me tonight. I don't wanna be around a ton of people right now." You looked to your brother who nodded, "I understand," he gave a reassuring smile. "Can I at least hang out for a little bit? Make sure you're okay?" He searched your saddened puffy eyes and your dry skin from the tears he could tell have been pouring out all day. You nodded, forcing out another smile. "that's fine."
Meanwhile, Jean opened his eyes from a long nap, a large frown instantly sitting itself upon his face as he came to the realization that his dream was in fact just a memory and you weren't actually here with him. He was frustrated, not even being able to escape the thought of you in his sleep.
He let himself touch base with reality, forcing his heavy body off of the couch, ignoring the twist in his gut that made him want to throw up as he began walking towards his art studio, a room he typically felt peace in.
He pushed the door open, the room holding a different feeling than usual. It felt cold and bare, his eyes immediately landing on the easel where that large canvas sat, the one that held your flawless portrait that he'd put so much time and detail into, his heart instantly tightening in his chest as he stared at it, almost searching for some sort of answer.
Jean thickly swallowed, his eyes swelling again as tears formed. His shaky legs attempted to walk to the canvas, his feet stumbling as he approached the painting, his hands grabbing either side of it as he leaned over, his tears now falling onto the portrait. He was completely broken and all he wanted was you.
He let out a heavy sob, leaning back as he reached up to wipe away his flooded eyes, not caring that the tears were sliding down his arm, creating a mess of himself. He turned to lean his back against the wall, sliding down until he met the floor once again, and he couldn't help but sit and cry and let it all out.
This became his spot for the next 20 minutes, not able to keep any sort of composure as he bawled his eyes out, hands shaking, barely able to catch a steady breath. Jean wanted one thing right now, one person, one touch, one voice, and knowing he couldn't was sending him into an absolute spiral of pure sadness.
His head felt like it was being beat in at this point, the pressure almost unbearable as he caught his breath, tears not even coming out anymore. He leaned his head back against the wall, "Fuck," he swore out loud to himself, now staring at the ceiling, his eyes feeling like pure cotton and his nose completely red and dry. "Oh my fuck." He said through shaky breaths again.
His head leaned over to the left, looking at the stacks and small crates filled with sketch books. He knew most were filled with drawings of you, most he kept hidden for years, not having it in himself to throw them away.
But there were some that weren't of you.
But of her.
And it made him sick.
He clenched his jaw, leaning off the wall and crawling over to the crates, grabbing the few sketchbooks he knew had portraits of her. Although not a lot, he searched every single sketchbook, ripping out the pages that held any sign of her, dropping each sheet into the paper shredder that sat underneath his desk. He didn't stop until they were clear of absolutely any sign of the woman he grew to hate, to regret, to fear.
And they were left with only you.
But he'd never get rid of those.
Multiple sketchbooks of nothing but sketches of you, some finished portraits. Jean loved drawing you back in high school and even through the beginning of college. To him, you were the divine example of a woman's anatomy, which is why he used you as a reference in most cases.
But you weren't all he drew, of course, you were just his favorite thing to capture.
He let out a heavy breath, tossing the last sketchbook to the side as he looked at the now full shredder, feeling relieved in a way. Although he knew this didn't change what he had already done.
A knock on his door sent him out of his focus, forcing him to stand up from his spot, his legs now numb from sitting, pin needles coursing through his feet as he walked out of his art studio and to the front door.
He opened it to find Marco, someone he knew he'd have to talk to soon but the sight of his face made him sick to his stomach. "Is Devi with you?" Jean asked which made Marco give him a confused look before replying. "No, why?" He asked.
"Perfect." Jean nodded, stepping aside for Marco to come in. Jean knew he had to tell him now, because he knew Devi wasn't going to fess up and he himself couldn't stand the guilty feeling of knowing what she had done. Marco turned to Jean as he entered, immediately concluding that he'd been an absolute mess all day. His hair was everywhere and not combed, his eyes were red and swollen, and Marco could visibly see how dry his skin was from crying. He frowned, "Are you alright?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
Jean let out a huff, shaking his head. "No," he replied, shutting the door. "But I think we're both gonna need each other." He gave Marco a sympathetic look which only confused him. "Dude, I'm okay, I'm-" Jean cut Marco off. "I want Devi on the first flight home tonight and you need to extend your trip for another week."
"Why?" Marco's eyebrows furrowed. "I know what she did was wrong but she's still my girlfriend. I love you and y/n, but y/n did almost give her a concussion, dude. That's not cool."
Jean was on your defense immediately, like he should've been last night. "What's not cool is Devi cheating on you last night." He knows he shouldn't have said it like that and his words caught Marco off guard, his eyebrows furrowing even more as his stomach dropped to the floor, anxiety immediately making itself at home within him. "What?" He asked, although he heard what Jean said.
"Look, I have a lot to explain. A lot. But I need you to know-" "Jean, I need to know now." Marco stared into his friend's eyes, all possible scenarios running through his head. "How do you know?"
"Kendra told me." Jean sighed.
"And you believe her?" Marco asked, tilting his head. "After all she's done-" "Trust me, I know, but I believe her this once." Jean held out his index finger before letting his arm fall back to his side, another sigh leaving his dry throat. "I don't know with who, I don't know exactly when, but I know she did."
"You never liked her." Marco scoffed. "Come on, Kendra lies. Are you serious? You really think-" "For fucks sake Marco. I am on the verge of jumping off of the nearest cliff right now. I have a migraine that feels like I've had my head smashed by a semi-truck and feel so sick to my stomach that I want to remove my intestines- but yes, I'm gonna stand here and lie to you, just to get a fucking reaction. Give me a goddamn break." Jean turned to walk into the kitchen, shaking his head as his hands reached up to rub his forehead, wanting the pain to be gone.
His words made Marco fall silent, his mouth hung open in realization. Devi had already lied to him about meeting with Kendra, and then leaving the party to show back up again with Kendra... so maybe it was the truth. "I'm sorry." Marco apologized.
"You're fine." Jean sighed. "I'm sorry you have to go through this and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you." Jean turned back to Marco and he could see the devastation on his face and could practically feel his heart shattering into pieces.
Marco just stared at Jean with a lost look, not knowing what to do with himself. "Jean, I-" he breathed out which made Jean frown before walking over to his friend and engulfing him into a tight hug.
The gesture made Marco break down instantly, so Jean only hugged him tighter, also needing the comfort for himself in this moment. "I'm so sorry, man." Jean stated, muffled into Marco's shoulder. "I'm sorry too." Marco returned, knowing Jean was also hurting.
They comforted each other until it grew later in the evening, where they just sat on the couch in silence, letting themselves cry whenever they needed.
Jean let Marco vent, expressing how he'd break the news to Devi, Jean being sure to give him advice on how to let her down in a manner that wouldn't cause her to react, and Marco agreed to stay another week.
A random movie played on the tv, the lighting a dim orange in the open living space, Jean and Marco now empty of all tears as they sat on opposite ends of the couch. "So, last night..." Marco looked over to Jean. "I didn't really give you much of a chance to fully explain what happened." He stated, knowing Jean put his feelings aside for a little bit to help comfort himself, which in a way made him feel selfish. "I'm assuming it wasn't good though."
Jean sighed, looking back at the tv. "Dude, I fucked up so bad." He shifted in his spot, pulling the large blanket up further to comfort him a little more, smelling of you since it was the one you'd always share with him. "So, after the whole fight, when her and I went around back-" he looked back to Marco. "I was frustrated because of the mess, and the fear she caused others because she went a bit crazy on her." He let out a small laugh. "But I was also worried cause I knew you'd be upset about her going after Devi as well and I knew Kendra deserved it but my main concern was y/n getting herself in trouble, and I poorly expressed that." He sighed, looking back towards the tv, the topic making him anxious again. "We got into a pretty heated argument and I don't remember exactly what was said but it was just mean and then we said 'we're done' and she left."
Marco frowned, watching Jean pick at his lip. "You said Kendra told you, meaning something else happened." Marco equated, watching Jean take a deep breath. "Yeah..." he stated, releasing the sigh. "I don't remember how I got home, well, I think it was Niccolo but I don't know and I haven't checked my phone- anyway, I don't remember pretty much everything other than Kendra showed up here at some point and we kissed and she begged me to stay the night as a 'one last time' thing so I let her because I was far too gone and too numb to care at that point and then I woke up to a whole letter which is how I found out about Devi."
"Jean..." Marco frowned. "Y/n won't take lightly to that." He didn't want to upset Jean anymore but he knew that news would upset you. Jean pursed his lips, "Yeah, I know." He stated in almost a cold tone, but he wasn't gonna mention what happened between you and Connie, because that wasn't Marco's business. "I don't know what's going to happen but I fear this is it."
Marco frowned, shaking his head. "No, I don't think it is." He disagreed, making Jean look back over to him. "How?" Jean laughed.
"You're both too in love with each other." Marco shrugged. "Look- I know you were trying to take it slow and wait but you guys were literally acting like a couple." Marco let out a soft laugh. "Come on, friends don't have sex and spend the night together every night and go on dates and-" "I get it." Jean laughed. "Fuck, I even told her I loved her-" "Are you serious?" Marco's eyes widened.
Jean nodded, "Yes." He nodded. "I wouldn't let her say it back but I needed her to know." He frowned, now remembering all those little moments with you once again. "Although someone who loved her wouldn't have done what I did-" Marco cut Jean off. "Last night was tragic for you both and you were both grossly drunk." Marco defended. "You both have gone through shit and you both have had a messy few months, I think you both need to just let it be."
"Let it be? What do you mean?" Jean's eyebrows furrowed.
Marco laughed, "Like, just be. Stop worrying about not being ready, and waiting, and not using 'labels' and just be together. I know it's mainly her but you're also convincing yourself you need time, which would be more understandable if it weren't obvious how badly you both just wanted each other." Marco gave Jean a warm smile. "So, just be together. Don't worry about society's standards for a relationship and how much time it should take and all that other garbage, do what makes you happy." He advised, watching Jean give him a half leaned smile, shaking his head. "I'd give up everything and anything if it meant I could have her... I just wish none of this was happening."
"You guys will be fine, I promise." Marco gave another reassuring nod. "I'm not going to let either of you mess anything up, believe me. I watched you two fall in love, if anything is meant to be, it's you two."
Jean choked up at his friend's words, letting out a small laugh as he reached up to wipe his eyes before the tears could fall. "Fuck, man."
"Too much?" Marco subtly laughed, leaning back into his spot on the couch. "My bad."
Jean shook his head, "It was perfect, thank you." Smiling hurt, but he forced one out towards his friend who returned the gesture.
Marco fell asleep on Jean's couch, meanwhile Mikasa fell asleep on yours. You and Mika had spent the evening watching horror movies together, cuddled up on your couch. Although you were still not okay, having her there with you helped a ton and you couldn't be more thankful for a friend like her.
But while Marco and Mikasa slept, you and Jean were wide awake, miserable knowing you both worked in the morning, not able to sleep because you both couldn't stop thinking about each other.
You both stood in your bathrooms, staring at your gloomy presence. You both had dry, tear-stained cheeks, puffy and picked at lips, swollen eyes, red scleras, and what couldn't be seen was the ache in your chests.
It was crazy to think you both stood there, craving each other, but both fearing what could be once you confessed what had went down. Both feeling guilty. Both of you blaming yourself for everything you were feeling.
You both heavily sighed, letting your shoulders sink down. It was an attempt to maybe wash your faces, maybe get yourselves cleaned up a little bit. But brushing your teeth was all the further you'd both gotten before you felt utterly exhausted once again.
Flicking off the bathroom light, you drug yourselves into your bedrooms and threw your tired bodies onto your beds, lying there feeling numb and helpless, staring at the walls until your eyes closed and you both were able to fall asleep.
The next day was miserable for both of you. Even more so since you both forced yourselves to go to work.
"I would've talked to Levi for you." Mikasa frowned, "If you don't feel well you don't have to come." She stated as you both approached the shop. You shook your head, grabbing the door handle, "I'm okay." You reassured. "Thanks again for breakfast and thank you for being there." You gave her a warm smile which she returned. "Don't thank me." She declined, following you into the shop. "It's what friends are for."
"Hey!" Sasha greeted, making you look up towards her and who stood next to her. Connie swallowed thickly before awkwardly turning and walking towards the back room, avoiding further eye contact with you.
You frowned, the tension thick in the air. Sasha awkwardly laughed before grabbing her scheduling book from the shelf. "I'm assuming you guys haven't said much..." Sasha commented as you and Mika walked over to the counter.
"What happened?" Eren asked, squirting more windex onto the glass cases before swiping the paper towel across.
You looked over to Mika, thinking she would've told him but she just shook her head. "It wasn't my business..." she softly smiled to which you nodded, looking back to Eren as you let out a heavy sigh. "A lot."
"Have you talked to Jean?" Hitch asked, noticing that even through the makeup you put on, you could tell you were holding back tears. You shook your head, "Nope."
"Connie told him..." Sasha frowned. "He said he wasn't upset with you but more so at Connie." She stated, making you frown. "I'm more guilty than Connie..."
"What happened with you and Connie?" Eren nosied in, watching you tense up. "If you feel comfortable to explain." He followed up, which you appreciated. You shook your head, "not right now. I give any of you permission to explain. I don't want to think about it anymore." You frowned, turning to go towards the back room.
"Y/n, he's back there." Hitch noted as you turned back to her, shrugging. "I'm at work... I don't have a choice." You turned back around, going about your business, and into the back where you were met with Levi and Connie.
"Hey, kiddo." Levi nodded, leaning against the wall as he dunked his tea bag into the steaming cup. You just politely nodded, not giving him much of an expression. "Hi," you said softly.
"Why are you all so moody today?" He asked, leaning off the wall and going over to his desk. You ignored the comment as you looked over to Connie who had his headphones on, forcing himself to stay focused on the drawing tablet in front of him. He knew you were in the room but he couldn't fathom the thought of looking at you.
Connie had stayed up practically all night, high, alone, staring mindlessly at his television with his PlayStation controller in hand as he distracted himself from every little thing. Every thought, every feeling, every memory. He was distraught and disgusted with himself, unable to accept what happened.
He forced himself here, hoping you wouldn't show up but going against all his wishes, you did.
He felt your presence as you sat down at your desk, his body tensing up as he reached over to his phone, increasing the volume of his music that was so loud to the point you could hear it. You glanced over, noticing as he reached back, pulling the hood of his hoodie up before turning away.
You looked back towards the door as you heard it click, Levi now nowhere in sight which left the two of you alone. You turned to Connie who sat in his own little world, your lips curving down in a frown, not wanting things to be ruined between you both.
You stood from your desk, making your way over to his desk before tapping his shoulder. He looked up from his tablet before looking back down, ignoring your gesture. You frowned, reaching up and pulling his hood back from his head, which knocked out one of his AirPods. "Dude," he glared, now looking up at you.
"We need to talk." You sternly stated, making him sigh as he sat his pen down, removing his other AirPod. "About what? The fact we made out? The fact we both did something really stupid and now I feel like a piece of shit who not only took advantage of you but disrespected my best fucking friend. Both of them?!" He motioned to you.
"Connie, I participated. You didn't take advantage of anything. Besides, we've kissed before. This doesn't have to be awkward and weird." You argued, watching his saddened and high eyes look away from you. "Y/n, what we did was fucked-" "I know." You cut him off, growing frustrated. "Connie, I get that, but we can't just avoid each other and never speak again."
Connie pursed his lips, shaking his head. "It'll never go back to normal."
"Why not?" You asked. "Sure, right now, it's rough, fucking believe me, but this doesn't have to be a life altering experience. Seriously, our friendship is over because of one stupid mistake?"
"No." Connie sighed, "But right now it's a bit complicated, don't you think?" He looked back to you, your expression falling as your shoulders fell. "Yeah... you're right. I'm sorry about all of this." You apologized, turning to walk back to your station.
"It's not your fault..." Connie replied.
"Was Jean mad?" You asked, sitting back down into your swivel chair. Connie let out a tiny huff, tilting his head for a moment. "Mad, upset, disappointed, all of the above." He shrugged, grabbing his earbud that had fallen out. "At me more than you... I think."
"He should be more upset with me-" "You should just talk to him." Connie chimed in, "Well... give him a few days and yourself, of course, but you guys will be fine." He gave you a weak smile, putting his AirPods back into his ears.
You nodded, your lips held tight together, smothered in chap stick in hopes to heal your anxious picking. You turned back to your desk, grabbing your own headphones out from your bag, slipping into focus, zoning out the world around you and giving all your attention to your work to stop thinking about yesterday and everything else fucked in your life at the moment.
Jean's day was going as dull and as miserable as yours though, only he barely had any distractions, and all day his lectures and instructions were cloudy. He'd forget what he was talking about and zone out, repeating himself multiple times, and all of the students could sense he wasn't fully there.
The final bell rang, Jean nodding as all the students began gathering their bags. "Alright, guys, tomorrow we will begin our portraits so be sure to have a reference ready." He forced out a smile towards his students who all nodded, waved, and smiled back as they exited the classroom.
Jean sat at his desk until he heard the chatter and the cluster in the hallways disappear- until there was silence.
He let the stillness get to him, his elbows sat firm on his desk, his hands folded together in front of his mouth, fingers pressing into his skin as he thought and thought and thought, until he felt himself choke up again. Holding it back all day was difficult and although he knew this wasn't an appropriate place to cry, he just couldn't help himself.
A knock on his classroom door made him instantly tense up, quickly wiping the tears before they fell any further. "Come in," he shouted, grabbing a stack of papers to make it seem as if he were doing something prior.
The door opened to reveal another one of the teachers whom he never really spoke with, in fact, he only knew her because of you. "Miss Finger." He politely nodded. "What brings you here?"
She softly smiled, "We have that meeting- you weren't there so they sent me to come grab you." She reminded, Jean cursing under his breath as he sighed. "I totally forgot, I'll be right there." He looked back to Pieck who just softly smiled again, closing the door behind her before she walked further into the classroom, confusing Jean. "Um?" He mumbled.
"Look, the students have been mumbling about you all day and it's fairly obvious something is wrong. Now, I know we don't know each other all that well but I must ask- is it about y/n?" She gave him a soft look, his expression instantly sinking at the sound of your name, his heart tightening. "Uuuh- yeah." Jean sighed, looking away from Pieck "How do you-" Pieck cut Jean's confusion off. "My boyfriend is friends with Reiner..." she trailed off.
Jean pursed his lips, nodding. "I see." Was all he said. "I'm sure you've heard great things." He awkwardly laughed, leaning back in his desk chair.
Pieck smiled, shaking her head. "Terrible things actually." She let out a small laugh. "But, I know better than to listen to them." She reassured but Jean just furrowed his eyebrows. "Sure you're not some spy just getting more intel for them?" He asked half-sarcastically.
Pieck laughed, shaking her head. "No, I'm not." She denied, telling the truth. "I heard some stuff went down..." she adjusted her long skirt as she sat down on top of one of the students desk, across from Jean's desk. "I'm not here to pry or get all the juicy details- that's not my business-" she smiled, "I'm here to just say that I believe you two belong together." Her words threw Jean off. "But, you don't even know us." He commented.
"I don't have to be your best friend to see the obvious." she giggled, "Y/n was always someone I was able to get along with, I always liked when she was around because she made me feel comfortable." She smiled, "But Reiner never deserved her." She stood from the desk, "and from everything I've heard... you do." She nodded.
"What have you heard?" He asked, standing from his desk chair.
"Like I said, terrible things, but coming from Reiner, I know everything he says means the exact opposite." She laughed, beginning to walk out of the classroom, Jean following. "Plus, a man only gets that jealous when he knows he couldn't do the same. To him, you're evil, so you must be taking care of her." She looked back, giving Jean another reassuring smile.
Jean laughed, shaking his head. "There's a lot going on between her and I right now... not good things." Jean simply stated, not wanting to go into detail. "I appreciate your kind words." He nodded, giving her a small smile.
She just smiled in return, closing his classroom door behind him as he stepped into the hallway. "Let's get to this meeting. We're already pretty late." She politely nodded.
The rest of the evening was gloom, as was your entire day, and just when you thought things couldn't get worse, you were extremely wrong.
"Are you sure you'll be cool by yourself?" Markus asked, leaning against the corridor wall outside of your apartment. You rolled your eyes, "I'll be fine." You nodded. "You have to get back home."
"I do but my sister is important." He teased, moving his hand to pat your head but you grabbed his wrist before he could do so, moving it away. "Don't be annoying." You groaned.
"It's my job." He shrugged. "So, ya sure you'll be good?" He asked again to which you nodded. "Just let me know when you make it home safe." You smiled.
Markus sighed, "Alright. Call me if you need anything." He smiled, turning to walk away. "Bye, loser." He waved, walking down the hallway.
You entered your apartment, turning and locking the door, anxiety settling in at the realization of you being alone.
Markus worked, you knew that, and you didn't wanna hold him up, so you insisted on staying by yourself. Of course, you knew you had people who would come, but you were tired of burdening everyone to be your 'body guard.'
You forced yourself to eat before taking a long shower, throwing on Jean's hoodie afterwards for comfort, although it hurt more than it did bring you peace but you didn't care, you just needed some part of him right now.
So, 10:30 pm at night, you decided it was time to go to bed after watching random YouTube videos for the last hour and a half. You clicked the button on your television remote, the screen going black before you tossed the plastic onto the coffee table. You slipped your slippers on before standing from the couch, stretching your aching back, a whiff of Jean's scent going through your senses. You frowned, "I miss you so much." You mumbled, still feeling hopeless about the entire situation.
Just as you were about to go towards your bedroom, a knock on your apartment door halted your movements.
It was late, so it was odd, and sent your anxiety through the roof instantly.
You waited until there was another knock and another and one more. "Hello, is anyone home?" A girl's voice, one you couldn't exactly recognize through the door, but it wasn't a man so it made you feel more comfortable.
Poor decision.
You walked over to the door, grabbing the handle and opening it to be met with complete dread. Regretting every decision you have made within the last 30 seconds.
There she stood.
Like she had any business standing here to begin with.
The sight of her alone making you want to spiral into another manic episode and beat the living shit out of her again.
"Hi. I'm sorry to drop in like this." Kendra gave you a weak smile, as if she were portraying some type of innocent image of herself that only pissed you off more, your teeth grinding together as you stared at her.
Your grip on the doorframe was tense, as if you were attempting to break it. Your jaw tightened and through your teeth you spoke, "What the actual fuck are you doing here?"
• don't forget to vote and let me know your thoughts and opinions as always. thank you <3