The next day was not much better for Hanni, not only did she haven't seen you throughout the whole day, the only reply Hanni got from asking Jun why he didn't answer his phone was him saying he had his phone on silent the whole night and only got to check it right after he finished his assignment.
Little did she know that Jun's just blatantly lying to her. He was never doing any assignments last night; he was out partying with his friends.
Last night was a torture for Hanni. Even if it's just a mild panic attack, Hanni who never experienced it her whole life, was suffering so much that she had to pace back and forth, catching her breath every few minutes while her head was being a mess.
"Are you okay, Pham Pham?" Haerin had to be the one to notice her friend's somehow downed mood throughout the whole day and right after their last class finished then Haerin immediately asked Hanni which Hanni just nodded quietly.
"Have you seen Yongjae today?" Hanni asked rather softly spoken and slightly weak in her tone as Haerin just shook her head. "I haven't actually. Are you two okay? Did you have a fight?" Haerin asked despite knowing what actually happened between the two of you.
With a light smile, Hanni just shook her head. "We're okay." Her whisper was trying so hard to remain calm despite the not genuine smile she had on her face.
"Do you think I made a mistake Haerin..." Hanni asked after a short silence as her friend just glanced over to her, feeling a bit confused. "...how did you know that Yongbok's the one for you?"
"I don't think I'm able to give you a concrete answer to that Pham Pham..." Haerin's being honest to her friend as Hanni could only nod slightly. "...but if you're asking me how I know... I think my only answer is I don't..." Haerin's answer only confused Hanni more.
"...at least not immediately. And I'm saying this is not based on the first few days of Yongbok being with me. Yongbok and I took months of getting to know each other more before eventually we decided that we wanted something more between us." Haerin's basing her love story for Hanni's sake. "And even the first day of us officially together, I didn't get to the conclusion that Yongbok's the one for me instantly. But that idea just grows day by day. It's the way I'm being treated by him, the way he talks to me, the way he'll always be there for me when I need him..."
"Always be there..." Hanni whispered to herself. "Above all, the way that Yongbok's not hiding anything from me and being honest with me are the ones that I appreciate most about him..." Haerin concluded her opinion. "...honest..." Hanni's mind immediately drifted away from what happened between her and Jun earlier that morning...
"I called you a couple of times last night but you didn't pick your phone up. Something happened?" Her tone was calm as ever but not her heart that's beating unevenly with the thought of that nightmare she experienced last night remained in her mind.
"Yeah about that..." Even Hanni could distinguish the uneasiness in Jun's tone. "...I- I left my phone in my bag. I've been doing my assignments all night and forgot that I had it on silent the whole night..." and as clear as the hesitation in his voice.
"I see..." Was Hanni's only manageable answer. But the longer she's looking at his face, the more she's realizing. "You're okay?" She asked, somehow still felt a bit worried for him. "Just a headache. It's all fine." He answered rather nonchalantly.
"Look I have to go now or I'll be late for class okay?" Jun glanced over at his watch as Hanni could only sigh silently as she nodded her head before Jun just left her sight while hissing caused by the headache he got from 'doing his assignments all night'.
"If this is love..." Hanni closed her eyes as she breathed out silently. "...why am I feeling this sadness instead of happiness?" A person as cheerful as Pham Hanni, being all down and seemingly tired was too hurtful for Haerin to see as she just wrapped her arm around her, hugging her close as Hanni instantly broke down into tears.
"Believe in what your heart wants..." Haerin whispered as she was patting Hanni's back, comforting her. "...eventually, you will finally find the happiness you're looking for. Just believe in your heart."
Two weeks later
"You sure you're okay today Hanni? You seemed tired ever since you clocked in this afternoon." Chaeyoung asked as she was cleaning the steamer while peeking over at Hanni a few times at the front counter. "I'm okay, just a bit tired from work and classes. That's all"
"You young people nowadays, always working hard while being too hard on yourself." Chaeyoung ranted as Hanni just formed a guilty smile. Chaeyoung then proceeded to make cups of hot latte for the two of them before handing one to Hanni.
"How's flat white been treating you?" Chaeyoung asked as Hanni just chuckle slightly. "His name is Jun unnie. I know we used to call him flat white before." Hanni clarified as the older woman just shrugged. "Well he is still flat white to me."
"It's been two weeks and as of now he's been treating me okay." Hanni answered. "Just okay? That doesn't sound convincing." Chaeyoung made tch sounds. "I mean Jun did take me out to lunch, dinner, we had walks at the park some times. But it's just that, every time we're together, it's really hard for me to open up to him as Jun seems to be keeping his own personal life away from our conversation as much as possible."
"And sometimes he might not be there when I needed someone to talk to but he always comes up with reasons of his own and as things stand between us now, I just couldn't help but to trust his reasons." Hanni took a sip of her coffee before sighing lightly.
"How's your best friend been holding on?" As if she knew what was happening, Chaeyoung calmly asked the younger woman who remained silent for a short bit. "Ever since I told him about Jun, we haven't spoken face to face until now... not even in texts also..."
"I tried to confront him but failed every time as I'm scared that I'll only make things worse. I don't know what happened between us but it's breaking me down every time to see that he lost his smile every time our eyes met." Chaeyoung who heard that could only sigh in silence as she instantly caught the bigger picture but decided to keep it to herself.
"I'm sure he still cares a lot about you." Chaeyoung whispered trying to comfort Hanni who could only nod her head with a sigh. "Have you ever experienced losing your best friend unnie?" Hanni asked as she sat down next to the older woman.
"I have." Was Chaeyoung only response. "How bad was it?" Hanni whispered as Chaeyoung leaned back on her seat with a sigh. "I can't even explain to you how hard it is to lose your best friend. She passed away years ago because of Covid and I'm still hurt by it till this day."
"The pain was so gut-wrenching that it'll break me down every time I'm alone thinking about it." What Chaeyoung said was not what Hanni would be expecting to hear but it's the truth and truth sometimes hurt.
"I'm sorry for your loss." Hanni patted Chaeyoung's hand gently as Chaeyoung just nodded before the sound of the bell echoed in the café as someone just entered. Setting their cups aside, Hanni quickly rose back up to the counter.
Probably not the person Hanni would like to see at the moment but she saw Danielle walking in and it didn't take long before she recognized Hanni and gave her a light wave.
"Hi Hanni. Didn't know you're working here." Danielle greeted with her usual bright smile. "Yeah, I didn't really tell anyone I'm working here. So what can I get for you tonight?" Hanni asked with a light smile on her face.
Danielle's going through the little menu by the counter while humming quietly to herself. "I'll have the iced mocha and also..." She then got to her phone before scrolling down for a bit. "...a large ice Americano please."
"One mocha latte and one American-" Hanni's fingers suddenly stopped as she couldn't help but think of someone by the mention of Americano. "Is Yongjae coming here as well?" Hanni looked over at Danielle who just nodded innocently.
"We're finishing up a report for our module. I was planning on doing it by his house but he said he couldn't so I suggested it here instead..." Danielle clarified as Hanni just nodded while her heartbeat went up almost immediately. "I see... out of the many places in the area, you chose here..." Hanni whispered in her heart as yet again, the jealousness in her unwantedly kicked in.
Danielle got the drinks paid before she went over to a table by the side after Hanni done preparing it for her. As Hanni was cleaning the coffee machine routinely, the sound from the bell at the door echoed again as Hanni took a peek at the door and her eyes saw you.
As soon as you walked in, her eyes met with yours for a split second before she turned her head back quickly facing the coffee maker as this sudden panic she felt crawling up her body again while her breathing slowly became unstable and her hands lightly trembled.
"Hey you okay?" Chaeyoung who noticed the awkward body movements from Hanni. She went over to her as she noticed how Hanni's try to calm her breathing as well as her shaky hands. "Hey, what's wrong?" Chaeyoung gently held onto Hanni's hands as they're slowly getting calmer as well as her breathing.
"I'm okay..." Hanni heaved out as she took a deep breath in. "This happened a lot to me nowadays, I don't know what to do about it..." She whispered as Chaeyoung sat her down. "You sure? You can go home now if you want."
"I'm okay, I'm just..." Hanni held onto Chaeyoung's hand. "I need to talk to him unnie. My best friend's here..." She looked at the older woman in the eyes and Chaeyoung could only sigh at the sight of Hanni's suddenly teary eyes.
"Okay, but I'm keeping an eye on you, the second time I see you like this, I'm sending you home. Okay?" Chaeyoung said sternly as Hanni just nodded. "Thank you unnie..."
Calming herself down, Hanni's been patiently waiting as she sometimes stole a few glances over at the table where you and Danielle sat on. You had your hoodie on and most of the time you're spending it staring at the laptop screen while your fingers were typing.
Danielle did most of the talking as you're less vocal and more movement.
After an hour plus had passed, Chaeyoung gave Hanni a signal that you and Danielle were packing up and ready to leave and immediately she waited at the counter, obviously nervous.
"Bye Hanni." Danielle walked past the counter first while waving her hand subtly at you as you gave her a wave back before Danielle exited the café.
Every second was excruciatingly painful for Hanni as eventually she saw you walking towards your direction and as expected, you just walked past the counter without even looking at Hanni and was approaching directly at the door.
"Yongjae." Hanni bravely called out to you as your steps were halted when you were directly in front of the door. "What is it?" You asked, trying to sound calm, not even brave enough to turn around. "Can I talk to you?" You heard her calm yet trembled voice as you're basically gasping for air.
"Sorry I can't tonight." You answered her as you immediately exited the café and was about to walk away before instantly you heard the sound of the bell echoed. "Do you hate me Yongjae?" Hanni's raised a voice echoed in your ears and it forcedly made your feet stop still at your spot.
You couldn't find anything to say back to her as the words were like stuck behind your throat and in a split second you felt her hands turned you over to face her.
And for the second time that night, your eyes and hers made contact, both unreadable towards one another. "Can you tell me what I did wrong to you?" Hanni whispered trying to remain calm. "...if I have ever wronged you can you please tell me. I can't cope with this anymore..."
"You didn't do anything wrong to me Hanni." Was your only answer as words remained hard to come out your mouth. "Then why do you keep avoiding me? Why every time I see you, you don't even want to look at me." Hanni's voice cracked as the tears were slowly building up in her eyes.
"Hanni. You need to remember that you already have someone. To continue our lives like we used to be is difficult and you should know it, at least it is difficult for me. He doesn't need me here, interfering and he doesn't need that unnecessary jealousy towards me." You said as she just sighed out. "So it is about Jun after all." She whispered while looking away from your eyes.
"Always has..." Was your only response.
"You hate me now do you? It seems like I betrayed our friendship over a man." Hanni's mind was foggy and clouded as she's not thinking straight. "How can I ever feel such a thing Hanni..." That broke you down as the tears you've been holding in were dropping down your face.
"I have no right to control your life. We're just friends. Friends don't decide for each other." Every word that's coming out of your mouth was torturing you from the inside. "...at least now that one of us is already taken. It's hard for us to keep being like we are used to Hanni..."
"I know but I hate it... I hate it..." Hanni cried out as she placed her hands on your shoulders. "I don't want us to stop being us. I still want to see your texts every now and then, I still want you to send me funny videos and pictures and make me laugh anywhere. I still want us to go food hunting every now and then..."
"...I still want us to be us Yongjae. Can't we?" Hanni holding out hope but the expression on your face says otherwise. "Maybe not now. But somewhere in the near future, let it be weeks, months or even years, I will still be here for you. Just not now Hanni..."
Seeing your saddened face and those tears running down your cheeks, Hanni just wanted to wipe those tears away but her heavy heart just won't let her. "I understand. If that's what you want. Now that I know that you don't hate me, it'll make things easier to cope with. I am still your best friend and I will always be grateful that I am."
"But please talk to me when we run into each other after this okay? Please just send me texts like you used to do even if it's just once a day then I'll be okay with that..." In the end, you just couldn't cope with how heartbreaking the sight of the woman in front of you. "Okay. Maybe not all the time but... I'll do it once in a moon..."
"Thank you Yongjae..." Hanni whispered as she let her hands off your shoulders slowly.. "...I'll get going now." You whispered as Hanni let out a few sniffs while nodding her head.
With a heavy heart, you left the café area, leaving her behind.
After a few hours passed by after that encounter between you and Hanni, her shift's finally coming to an end. "Hey." As soon as Hanni finished working for the day, Jun greeted her outside the café as he was just standing by the bench waiting for her.
"Hi." Hanni greeted him with a light smile while she approached him. "You okay? You look tired." He asked as the tiredness was visible in her expression.
"Yeah. I'm sorry Jun, I am tired right now so I probably can't have the walk in the park tonight. I'm sorry." Hanni heaved out a light sigh as Jun just nodded his head in understanding. "I'll walk you to your car."
"So what have you been doing today?" Hanni asked while the two were walking slowly side to side. "Nothing much. I just stayed at home most of the time." Jun answered rather nonchalantly and that's been the problem between Hanni and Jun, she couldn't make him open up to her more.
"So, are we having lunch or dinner tomorrow?" She asked again, trying to sound cheerful. "Sure, up to you, just let me know when you're free." He answered as Hanni just nodded, slight disappointment shadowed her heart.
So the two finally made their way to where Hanni's car parked and as she got to the driver's door, she noticed a plastic hanging by the side mirror. "What's this?" She grabbed onto the plastic as she felt the warmth emitting from it but couldn't see what was inside from the outside view.
"Did you buy this?" Hanni turned to Jun as she was holding the plastic in front of him. "Oh that... y-yeah, yeah I bought it. For you" He formed a light smile.
Hanni felt a bit grateful as she formed a light smile. "Thanks." She quickly went over to him and wrapped her arms around Jun as she felt his arm wrapped gently around her neck.
She never knew how a hug filled with love feels like, mostly what she knew is that a hug filled with love is warm and cozy and it'll be a safe space for lovers to return to every single time.
Yet she couldn't feel that way but then again, she never fell in love with anyone before so maybe the description she got from movies and books was just an exaggeration so she just tightly wrapped her arms around him.
"Good night." She whispered to him as she let him off her embrace while Jun just nodded with a smile before Hanni got into her car.
Jun gave her a wave as she did to him before he departed her sight slowly. As she's waiting for her car to warm up, Hanni glanced over the plastic on the passenger seat before grabbing it.
She unfolded the ties before noticing a familiar food container and it was no other than her favourite tteokbokki from the stall she always buys from and not only that, she also found a few packets of her favourite bread and a cup of cold boba milk tea which is also from her favourite shop.
And at that time she was confused... apart from tteokbokki, Hanni hadn't mentioned any other favourite food of hers and Jun couldn't have known all of these foods as her favourites let alone it's too accurate just to be a coincidence.
Her mind was in confusion before it immediately realized and the tears suddenly built up again... "You didn't buy this Jun..." Jun never bought her all these foods after all.
It's you who bought it for her.
Well, well, well what do you know... I shed a few tears when I wrote this chapter...
So it's only natural that I'll continue to write even sadder chapters ahead...
...right?